Wedding Etiquette Forum

XP: Problem with [not]BM

I have a friend who, for some reason, thinks she's a BM. I never told her she was a BM but, she is a close friend, so I guess she just assumed. She invited herself along to an appointment at David's Bridal and asked a mutual friend (who is a BM) for a ride to it. She proceded to try on BM dresses at the appointment with some of the BMs. I didn't know she was coming until they were already on their way. She always asks questions about planning but, I try to avoid it and switch subjects, only to have her revert back to questions 5 minutes later. She's a really sweet girl and isn't the type to push anything on anyone, so I don't think she's just trying to "pry" her way in. Now, some of my BMs have started tagging her in pictures they've taken during wedding-related things (against my request) and talking about BM details. Each BM was originally told who else was in the wedding party, so I'm not entirely sure how it came about. I would add her if I could but, budget makes it difficult. I already have seven BMs and will only have 100 guests, as is (I know there's no set rule, but I think it would look a bit strange with the ratio). I know you're never supposed to tell someone when they aren't a bridesmaid but, I don't know how to handle this situation. While I really don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't think it's really possible. Help??

I'm also away this may not go over so well on here, so I'm fully ready for flames, haha.

ETA: Appointment happened this past Friday.
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Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM

  • edited April 2011
    You should have put a stop to it when she showed up to try on BM dresses.  The other girls probably assume she is a BM because she's been involved in things. 

    I agree that it looks strange to have a large wedding party with a relatively small wedding, but looks shouldn't be everything.  If you want the girl in the wedding, make her a BM.  If you don't, tell her she's not.  I don't see any other way around it.  Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
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  • You are way behind on telling this girl she isn't a bridesmaid. You should've called her after the dress debacle and broken it to her gently. At first, she was totally to blame, but now you are.
  • Out of curiosity, why didn't you say something to her after the dress appt? I understand not saying something then and there because that would have been embarrassing in front of the other girls, but presumably at that point you realized that there was a misunderstanding, so I don't know why you let it continue and made things even harder.

    Like hlq said, you just have to be straight with her, but I would imagine it might hurt your friendship for a bit since it'll probably hurt her feelings and make her feel embarrassed.
  • Yeah, why on Earth didn't anyone (you) say anything when she was trying on freaking bridesmaid dresses?!
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    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • Why the hell didn't you pull her aside when she tried on BM dresses? Seriously, you should have said "X, I'm so sorry, but I didn't know you were going to be here. We came here to try on BM dresses.  Are you sure you are comfortable being here when you aren't in the wedding party?"

    I bet everyone assume she is one now.  Honestly at this point, you need to let her be one. It has gone too far to correct her now. It will make everyone/ everything awkward & uncomfortable. Honestly it would be like you kicking her out.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • The appointment happened this past Friday. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how to tell her, but to no avail. One of my sisters (BM) told the one girl who ended up tagging said girl on Facebook that the girl wasn't a BM, but it didn't seem to register. I had a feeling she thought she was a bridesmaid a little while ago, but I honestly just dismissed it, thinking I may have been taking things differently than what she intended. After the appointment, I have no idea how to handle it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-problem-notbm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa2ce34a-1132-4511-8cbb-a92fb638a4f0Post:110776cc-cdf6-4b98-81b5-d29241c5d07e">Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]The appointment happened this past Friday. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how to tell her, but to no avail. One of my sisters (BM) told the one girl who ended up tagging said girl on Facebook that the girl wasn't a BM, but it didn't seem to register. I had a feeling she thought she was a bridesmaid a little while ago, but I honestly just dismissed it, thinking I may have been taking things differently than what she intended. After the appointment, I have no idea how to handle it.
    Posted by SpokenVows[/QUOTE]

    Oh ok, not too late then.

    Well then just take her out to lunch ASAP & explain that there appears to be a misunderstanding. Can she maybe be a reader?

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Oh ok, your OP made it sound like more time had passed.

    Just suck it up and call her. Explain that you're so sorry for the misunderstanding and that the reason you didn't tell her over the weekend is that you were embarrassed for whatever it is you've done that made her think she was a BM because clearly this is all your fault (that's what you should say to her, not what I am saying to you).
  • HANDLE IT NOW. Call her up and tell her she isn't a bridesmaid.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-problem-notbm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa2ce34a-1132-4511-8cbb-a92fb638a4f0Post:de7427cb-6eb8-4b7e-8a60-8e6e3c090cd3">Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM : Oh ok, not too late then. Well then just take her out to lunch ASAP & explain that there appears to be a misunderstanding. Can she maybe be a reader?
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Asking her to be a reader is a good idea. After all this, I don't want to cut her out altogether. I feel really bad that it did get this far, but I also definitely didn't want to sit her down and tell her she wasn't a BM, if that wasn't what she was actually thinking.</div>
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  • Omfg Georgia. I love you. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-problem-notbm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa2ce34a-1132-4511-8cbb-a92fb638a4f0Post:e7507316-c48c-47f6-bc04-039778f0f58d">Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]HANDLE IT NOW. Call her up and tell her she isn't a bridesmaid.
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Lol.</div><div>
    </div><div>I guess I'm looking for what to actually say to her. Everything I've come up with sounds bitchy, and I really don't mean to be. (Though that may be unavoidable...)</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-problem-notbm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa2ce34a-1132-4511-8cbb-a92fb638a4f0Post:ce4976ac-506b-406e-8064-f04cb993a004">Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh ok, your OP made it sound like more time had passed. Just suck it up and call her. Explain that you're so sorry for the misunderstanding and that the reason you didn't tell her over the weekend is that you were embarrassed for whatever it is you've done that made her think she was a BM because clearly this is all your fault (that's what you should say to her, not what I am saying to you).
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Much better than anything I've come up to say. Thank you!</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-problem-notbm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa2ce34a-1132-4511-8cbb-a92fb638a4f0Post:80e335c8-754f-4b39-9658-793f3e8b2d1f">Re: XP: Problem with [not]BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just stand all the girls in a line, and say "If you're a bridesmaid in my wedding step forward" and as she starts to step forward, push her over.
    Posted by SarahR11[/QUOTE]

    DED.
    image
    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • I good way to break it would be saying something like "I know your really excited for the wedding but I feel like you are making yourself part of our wedding party. I love you and cherish your friendship but if we put all of our friends in the wedding party we wouldn't have any guests!"

    Good Luck.
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