Wedding Etiquette Forum

Step- Sister is off her rocker!

So I feel like my situation may be fairly unique. My step-sister is absolutely INSANE.  To try and make a long story short I will try and spare some of the more tedious details.  

I have issues with my biological father, I have had issues with him my entire life.  Lately it's been a little difficult, and his wife (my step-mother) and her daughter have been making comments that make me feel like I some kind of failure as a daughter, even though I have been trying the last 3 years to get closer to all of them. In fact, it's only gotten worse since I got engaged. Because of this, I decided that I did not want to go over to their house on Christmas Day.  I didn't call him either, which in hindsite I should have, but I didn't feel like having an emotional battle on Christmas.

So here's where the issue comes in.  My step-sister sent me some nasty messages on facebook.  At first I just told her to please leave my relationship with my father between me and him, and to please stay out of it.  She flipped out and much nastier, meaner messages followed in with she called me a variety of things like, "deadbeat daughter, poor excuse for a daughter, miserable human being" and she ended by threatening me not to mess with "her" family or she'll "beat some sense" into me.  

Needless to say, she is no longer invited to the wedding.  Even if she apoligized, I don't think I could accept it.  I'm just worried this is going to cause problems with my dad and his involvement in the wedding, and our relationship is already so complicated.  What should I do?

Re: Step- Sister is off her rocker!

  • I would not have responded to her message or to any subsequent messages (tempting though it may be). You're right, it's none of her business, but I think acknowledging what she is saying is only going to drag her into the mess.

    And I know this isn't what you want, I wouldn't want it either, but if you're worried about further damaging your relationship with your father cutting her from the guest list will likely do just that. If she shows up and talks trash and causes a scene, then she will look crazy in front of a whole mess of people and that will be that.

    Sorry you're going through all of this.
  • I say talk to your dad - you're right! Your relationship with him is between you and him, and should you decline your stepsister an invitation, simply print up the messages as a reason why, should anyone try to give you mess for it.
    "So what? So it's not going to be easy. It's gonna be hard.
    Really hard. But I wanna do that because I want you
    - all of you, you and me, every day. Forever."

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • I have, and he insists he doesn't feel any of what she is saying.  He was disappointed I didn't come over on Christmas, but when I explained to him why he understood.  However, I'm not sure if anything will actually come of it and change.  My step-sister has already cut her mother out of her life for an extended period of time (between 3-4 years if I remember correctly), so I'm afriad that my step-mother's fear of being cut out of her daughters life will prevent my father from saying anything.
  • I would try to talk to dad alone. Maybe meet for some coffee or a light lunch at a quiet place where you two can talk- with out the step-sister. That's all i can think of, Good Luck.
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  • I agree with the PPs who suggest speaking with your father, but I would also block her from being able to send you messages on FB so that she can't keep getting after you about it.

  • Wow, just wow.  I agree about talking to your dad - maybe you can screen print facebook for your reference if needed?  I truly hope it doesn't come to that.  Maybe a face to face talk with him, cementing that you want to repair your relationship, but are unsure how to react to your stepsister, maybe that will help.  Good luck!
  • Delete her from your FB and block her.  What a bunch of nonsense.  
  • Oy!  Wow...

    Tough one.  Not sure if you ever had a relationship with your stepmom and stepsister but regardless...

    I would find a time to get a hold of your father or meet with him when they are not around to discuss your concerns and feelings.  I know you probably do not want to deal with an emotional battle but just be upfront in telling him you two have had your issues, probably both at fault at times, but that you really want him to be part of your life and special day.

    Be honest and tell him, However, you cannot get along with so and so and even though they are part of his life you do not want the negative relationship with them to interfere with you guys or your day. He may not be happy but hopefully he respects it...you don't have to pit him against them and tell him you are not trying to do so.

    I guess he will respond one of two ways and you will have then tried to do what you could.  Good luck...I hope it goes well and works out.

    Remember...people who demean other people usually have some sort of shortcomings of their own.  Be the bigger person and try to work it out with your dad alone.
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