Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)

[Deleted User]

Okay I am unsure what I should do about this and thought you ladies would be helpful. 

We are having no kids at our wedding but will allow OOT guests to bring kids because obviously they can't get a sitter in town (they're all family and everyone will be at the wedding themselves) plus we wouldn't expect them to leave them at home states away.

We are also having our son (ring bearer) and FI's Cousin's daughter (flower girl) who will both inevidebly be there. 

BUT FI's cousin also has a 5 year old son.  Is it okay for us to say that her son can't come when he daugter does or do we have to make an exception there...?

AdeleDazeem

Yes, I'd allow the brother to come.

And this sounds like a whole lotta kids for a "no kids" wedding.  :-)

[Deleted User]

Well most likely the relatives that live OOT that have kids won't come themselves.  They are all younger/not much money for traveling and don't usually visit so I highly doubt they'll come, but in the case that they do accept the invitation, I don't think we can say they have to leave their child home... or can we??  If we can then I would be okay with that but I was under the impression that you can't?

ootmother2

Invite the 5 year old.  Splitting siblings can only cause hard feelings.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:7196e111-fc3a-4476-89d8-8c68e1684057">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Well most likely the relatives that live OOT that have kids won't come themselves.  They are all younger/not much money for traveling and don't usually visit so I highly doubt they'll come, but in the case that they do accept the invitation, I don't think we can say they have to leave their child home... or can we??  If we can then I would be okay with that but I was under the impression that you can't?
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

If you're really having a "no kids" wedding, then you can ask them to leave their kids, but that increases the odds that they won't come. 
It might not be a good idea to pick and choose who gets to bring their kids and who doesn't, because it could lead to some hurt feelings and resentment among those that didn't bring their kids to a "no kids" wedding, only to find that it wasn't really a "no kids" wedding.

alka131

I agree with PPs...it would be weird to split up a family, so invite the brother.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:7196e111-fc3a-4476-89d8-8c68e1684057">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE], I don't think we can say they have to leave their child home... or can we??  If we can then I would be okay with that but I was under the impression that you can't?
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

People have children.  Children are not welcome everywhere.  If you don't want the kids to come, of course you can say that they can't come.  My parents traveled a lot together while I was growing up.  I wasn't always invited.  They worked it out and I had fun weekends with my friends or grandma.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:4163d81a-f0f1-40ac-ae8d-8007e0db300c">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?) : If you're really having a "no kids" wedding, then you can ask them to leave their kids, but that increases the odds that they won't come.  It might not be a good idea to pick and choose who gets to bring their kids and who doesn't, because it could lead to some hurt feelings and resentment among those that didn't bring their kids to a "no kids" wedding, only to find that it wasn't really a "no kids" wedding.
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

This, people who are in town might be confused as to why heir little Sally couldn't come to the wedding because you said no kids, but then little Johnny from TX gets to attend. It's perfectly fine to say no to all kids, with the exception of those in the BP and nursing infants. Just know that it may greatly decrease your OOT guest attendence. In your case, I would allow the brother to come, but reconsider all of the OOT kids.

[Deleted User]

Well we weren;t really planning on putting "Adults only" reception or what not, but just addressing the invites to the parents (of the IN town guests) names only.  Does that change anything?

Also, I highly highly doubt that the OOT w/ kids guests will come, considering we aren't close with them and they don't have much money.  We're only inviting them out of obligation, but again I really doubt they will come. 

So if, worst case scenario there were like 10 kids there at most, would in town guests who's invite was to them only still be offended do you think, or no?

I've been to adult only receptions when I had to leave my son, but that had kids there, and I just assumed that A. the parents just rudely brought their kids anyway, B. they may be a close family member to the Bride & groom in which case an exception was made or else they are siblings of those in the wedding party or were from out of town.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:0866531a-c0b6-4ef0-85ad-1b9f3da591bc">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Well we weren;t really planning on putting "Adults only" reception or what not, but just addressing the invites to the parents (of the IN town guests) names only.  Does that change anything? Also, I highly highly doubt that the OOT w/ kids guests will come, considering we aren't close with them and they don't have much money.  We're only inviting them out of obligation, but again I really doubt they will come.  So if, worst case scenario there were like 10 kids there at most , would in town guests who's invite was to them only still be offended do you think, or no? <strong>I've been to adult only receptions when I had to leave my son, but that had kids there, and I just assumed that A. the parents just rudely brought their kids anyway,</strong> B. they may be a close family member to the Bride & groom in which case an exception was made or else they are siblings of those in the wedding party or were from out of town.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

I'd be pissed if I were an OOT guest who brought my invited child and someone assumed I was being rude by bringing an uninvited kid.

I really think you should just do BP kids (and siblings if need be) and call it a day.  Too much opportunity for confusion and hurt feelings here.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:a4460e53-80de-4133-8174-900ebce85db2">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would definitely allow the brother of the flower girl to come. Ditto PPs, it sounds like a lot of kids for a no-kids wedding. Why are you having the "no kids" stipulation?  Why not just open it up to everyone, and serve the kids kids' food to keep costs down and give them a separate table or a separate room to play in or be babysat. If people want a kid-free night they will leave them at home with a sitter, and if they are OOT and want to bring them then they can still attend your wedding. I'm all for kids-free weddings (having one myself) but not with all these exceptions, it's just asking for trouble and feelings of resentment from those who were told they can't bring their kids, and come and see other people with kids.
Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]

The reason for the no-kids wedding is because the OOT guests that have kids probably aren't going to come anyway, and of the guests that are IN town who have kids... well we'd be looking at having at <em>least </em>45 kids coming to the wedding and well... that sounds horrendous.   Lol. 

jem8407

I think what you are doing is totally cool and respectful for the OOT guests.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:a9a17f16-aeeb-4c18-81ea-1103b1ca995f">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?) : I'd be pissed if I were an OOT guest who brought my invited child and someone assumed I was being rude by bringing an uninvited kid. I really think you should just do BP kids (and siblings if need be) and call it a day.  Too much opportunity for confusion and hurt feelings here.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

You're right I shouldn't have used the word 'rudely'.  I just meant brought their kid without having it cleared first because I've thrown events where people have done that/assumed their kid was invited and just shown up with them and never said anything before hand. 

I also meant that when I see the kids at the adults only reception I assume that the kids are any of the 4 situations.  Like thinking in my head "they're probably close to the couple and the exception was made, or maybe the parent just brought them w/o clearing it with B&G first (in that I don't feel that it was tacky of the B&G that so and so kid is there, maybe B&G had no idea and parent just brought them?) or maybe it is an OOT child etc"     ...I don't select one of those and assign it to said kids.  Haha.  :)   Anyway my point is that I am not offended by the couple when I see kids at their adults only reception.  :)   But I can see how people may. 

Okay so then a new question.  When we sent out the Save the Date magenets to the OOT guests I wasn't aware that we could exclude their kids, and we did put on the Save the Dates "Jones Family" or whatever.  So being that those were addressed the way they were, are we locked in to inviting their kids, or is it okay to put "Mr & Mrs. Jones" on their invites?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:a1c8e4ca-74a6-45fa-98c7-c81b08a67efb">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?) : Still, that IS rude if guests bring other people who were not invited, child or not. And I would say in terms of the Save the Dates, "Jones Family" means the whole family. So I would say you're stuck with the kids.
Posted by jamierobin[/QUOTE]


Oh I just meant that I didn't look at Mom & Dad with kid at adults only reception and think to myself "how rude they must be" because I have no idea what the situation is why their kids are there.  Could be any number of reasons that the exception was made so I can't/don't judge... nor do I judge the B&G because maybe they had no idea.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-kids-wedding-exception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ab7f6213-25a9-4873-8599-eefeac28ee34Post:54a27018-e80a-4016-a7a6-464b1d41a767">Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question about No Kids at Wedding (exception?) : Oh I just meant that I didn't look at Mom & Dad with kid at adults only reception and think to myself "how rude they must be" because I have no idea what the situation is why their kids are there.  Could be any number of reasons that the exception was made so I can't/don't judge... nor do I judge the B&G because maybe they had no idea.
Posted by kari_lynn222[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying. But if a guest who made special arrangements to have their children looked after showed up to a wedding where there were a bunch of kids, I could see them getting upset and being confused about why they couldn't bring their kid. If you don't have kids, you wouldn't think twice about kids at an adult only reception because you didn't have to go through the trouple of finding a sitter.

[Deleted User]

I have a son and have been to several weddings where he was not invited and/or the invite said adults only, and there were a few kids there (5-10) and I've never been offended.  I guess I just assume that special circumstances might apply to a few kids but not all.  ::shrugs:: I guess that is just me. 

Also, maybe the B&G are okay with say 10 kids at their wedding but don't want 50 kids running all over the place, so they only invited a select few that fall under the "special circumstances" catagory. 

I guess I see though that not everyone would be understanding. 

2Bwed2011

I think it would be rude to invite people from out of town to travel to your wedding - which likely involves at least one overnight stay away from home - and not invite their kids.  It's two totally different things to a) get a babysitter for 4-5 hours to attend a wedding or b) make arrangements for an entire weekend.

We aren't necessarily having a "no kids" wedding, but we have drawn a firm line in that we are only inviting kids of immediate family, the wedding party and OOT.  We are not inviting any locals to bring their kids because that would add like 30 extra people that we cannot afford to pay for.  And ALL of our local friends have told us anyway that they want an adult night out so I feel zero guilt about this.

hlq2011

For FSIL's wedding, kids weren't invited under the age of 12 or so.  Those OOT guests who had kids left them with family back home - i.e., cousin's kid was left with cousin's wife's parents.  If people want to come, they can make arrangements.  You can just disallow kids outright, out of town or not.

I think if I was in your situation, I'd forego the child attendants and be done with it.

We are inviting children we have a relationship with - essentially, we're stopping at cousins of us.  Cousins' kids aren't invited.  One exception is a couple aunts and uncles who've said they aren't coming, their kids aren't being invited.

mattycam

I understand your dilemma. If you invite everyone with a child, your guest list would probably double, at least I know mine would.

I wouldn't call my wedding a "No kids wedding" because there will be a few exceptions. I have been to a weddings where although it was a predominately adult reception, there were a few kids there (ex. children under 2 because there is no cost to them, family etc.).  I have an 8 year old who is not invited to every event I attend however, if I am given enough notice, I can make the necessary arrangements for my son...but that's me, not everybody. 

With that being said there may be a chance that you will have guests that will attend and guests that won't due to their children and I'm pretty sure there may be a chance the same instance will happen at my wedding.

I also think it is unanimous that you should invite both son and daughter of your Fi's cousin

2012JulyBride

If you don't want kids at the wedding, but there is a possibility that OOT will come and be traveling with the kids, hire a babysitter for the ceremony and/or reception and give the guests that option. Your child is always an exception (really, what sane person will complain that the bride & groom's child is attending?). Most weddings do have flowergirls and it wouldn't be right for one child to attend because they're a girl. If you wanted to limit it to just those 3, then I would address the invitations to the parents and include a note to those with children that you will have child care set up and they can RSVP for that as well, so you know how many will be using that service. Your FI's cousin may opt to have the children not attend the reception and your son may have more fun being with other kids than 1 or 3 at the reception.

MegieM

When I was a teenager I did quite a bit of babysitting, and I had parents who I new well ask me if I could sit for their out of town friends in their hotel room.  If you have a kid yourself you probobly know a sitter or two. You could always ask them if they would be able to help oot guests who may travel with their kids, then offer the info on your wedding website.  That way oot guests have options if they don't want to leave their kids at home but you don't invite the kids to the wedding.