Small Wedding - Big Reception Etiquete

tracie&ben

I have a friend who is asking my advis and I really don't know what to tell her.

She wants a smaller intimate wedding, but then a big dinner and dance reception. Would it be rude to send the reception invite only to certain people?

danieliza1127

This was talked about today, check this post out: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-reception-but-not-ceremony

twilight.rose

Short answer: Yes, it is rude.

For the long answer, as Dani suggested, you can read the two thousand other posts on this topic.

danieliza1127

I don't think it's rude if the ceremony is truly intimate with only immediate family.  It becomes rude when the ceremony is like 150 people and then the reception is 200 people. 

loop0406

I agree with danieliza1127 .

If I wasn't a close friend/relative and I only got invited to the reception, I would go. Most friends that aren't close like going to just the reception anyways

tayylor65

I've been invited to a wedding like this and wasn't offended whatsoever.  She just had her family and very closest friends at the ceremony, maybe 50 people, and then a large reception of ~150.  I think it's completely understandable especially if the ceremony is very religous; I was happy to be included in the celebrations.

MommyMarta08

I'd invite everyone if the ceremony was in a church and the reception in a hall- most people only go to the reception anyway. 

ajhuddlestun

I am having a similar ceremony.  I asked for helpful hints on my wedding month board and only received hate mail about how awful it was to do this.  I'm a private person and I like the closeness of just family.  It can be more relaxed.  We have a very scrict cut off to insure people don't feel left out and it's understandable.  It must be top priority to make sure peoples feeling get hurt.  However, remember the day is about the bride and groom not 200 other people.

Kristin789

Well, I'll add this:
No one goes to these "big reception later" parties, because they are clearly just an opportunity to collect more gifts.

A friend of mine told me that if he and his FI got married in Los Angeles where they live and work, they'd have to plan and pay for a party for 400.  But moving it to Hawaii, they got the 30 guests they really wanted, and then they could still score a lot of really cool gifts by having at big reception later.

I know a woman who is still pissed bec very very few people came to the big reception later for her daughter - they rented out a dinner cruise boat but only about 15 people came...

So tell your friend that this is really rude, and no one does it anymore, because no one goes anymore.  If she wants a small ceremony, I totally understand that - we only had 25 people witness our ceremony.  But then we had a reception for those 25 people.  Period.  There was no "gift collection reception party" later.

deb84

The reception isn't later like days or weeks later. It is just like any other wedding reception RIGHT AFTER THE WEDDING.  She just wants to have a small ceremony and big reception.  It is what FI and I are doing.  We are having a VERY small immediate family, wedding party only (50 ppl) ceremony in a backyard by a lake then having a huge dinner and dance that very same evening/night (350 ppl-counting the 50 from the wedding).  I can't imagine anyone being offended.  They are not at all required to bring a gift, we just want them to help celebrate our marriage.  They are provided with a nice dinner and drinks, plus dancing.  That is what most people who aren't immediate family go to anyway.  I see zero problem with this but I am slightly bias. 

rachaelb16

I would be offended.  Why would you feel close enough with someone to invite them to your reception but not the actual ceremony that is being celebrated?  If you want an intimate wedding, then have one, but sorry you can't have the best of both worlds.  And I don't care how many people tell you they are fine with only being invited to the reception, trust me most o them are singing a different tune behind your back.

aj:  If you consider that "hate mail" you need thicker skin, that club board is the definition of puppies and rainbows.  Don't ask for opinions if you don't truly want them. 

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-reception-etiquete?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeaf284-531b-4d09-880b-7ae7356ce5a9Post:778abf00-5113-4f75-91dd-9353890bf410">Re: Small Wedding - Big Reception Etiquete</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a similar ceremony.  I asked for helpful hints on my wedding month board and only received hate mail about how awful it was to do this.  I'm a private person and I like the closeness of just family.  It can be more relaxed.  We have a very scrict cut off to insure people don't feel left out and it's understandable.  It must be top priority to make sure peoples feeling get hurt.  However, remember the day is about the bride and groom not 200 other people.
Posted by ajhuddlestun[/QUOTE]

<div>I am sorry but we are puppies and rainbows on the July '11 board.  E will tell you how it is.  The simple fact of the matter is that you came looking for "planning advice" when in reality you were looking for justification.  Good luck here.</div>

amysmomma

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-reception-etiquete?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeaf284-531b-4d09-880b-7ae7356ce5a9Post:778abf00-5113-4f75-91dd-9353890bf410">Re: Small Wedding - Big Reception Etiquete</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a similar ceremony.  <strong>I asked for helpful hints on my wedding month board and only received hate mail about how awful it was to do this</strong>.  I'm a private person and I like the closeness of just family.  It can be more relaxed.  We have a very scrict cut off to insure people don't feel left out and it's understandable.  It must be top priority to make sure peoples feeling get hurt.  However, remember the day is about the bride and groom not 200 other people.
Posted by ajhuddlestun[/QUOTE]

You're kidding right?  Wow...

squirrly

I was invited to, and attended a brunch reception following a private ceremony for a friend in March.

I hated it.  HATED.  Our other friends also went, and were also all somewhat peeved about it.  We're good enough to celebrate with you, but not good enough to actually witness the marriage?  I'm not a fan.

The ONLY time I think it's suitable is if you really have 300 family/friends to invte, and your family church seats 50 people.  In that case, I'd rather just go to the reception than being packed in like sardines.  BUT, if, like my friend, you chose a venue that only holds 40 for the wedding but has no specific tie to you or your family, then I think that's crappy and selfish.

DavidandAmyClark

Sorry I am also off topic but aj: you do realized the puppies and rainbows read other boards too?

Ditto to Liberty and Squirrly.

hccpsu

I'm always surprised by the number of people that are offended by this, unless it is the "150 cermony vs 200 reception" situation.  If someone wants a private ceremony for whatever reason, and then a reception, I couldn't care less.  I'd be very happy not to have to attend the ceremony because I usually find them pretty boring and would love to skip them.  I don't, but I wish I could.  To me the ceremony is between the bride and groom and I don't understand people being offended by not being invited to watch something that really has nothing to do with them.

MommyMarta08

Yea I really wouldn't care. 

irshis20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-reception-etiquete?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeaf284-531b-4d09-880b-7ae7356ce5a9Post:83c0387e-124e-4c19-8e39-56061a277434">Re: Small Wedding - Big Reception Etiquete</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be offended.  Why would you feel close enough with someone to invite them to your reception but not the actual ceremony that is being celebrated?  If you want an intimate wedding, then have one, but sorry you can't have the best of both worlds.  And I don't care how many people tell you they are fine with only being invited to the reception, trust me most o them are singing a different tune behind your back. aj:  If you consider that "hate mail" you need thicker skin, that club board is the definition of puppies and rainbows.  Don't ask for opinions if you don't truly want them. 
Posted by rachaelb16[/QUOTE]

This.

I really don't understand the recent trend toward excluding people from wedding ceremonies, then inviting everyone and their mother to a big, fancy reception. It makes absolutely no sense to me that you would invite people to come celebrate something that you didn't want them to witness. If you view a wedding ceremony as an intimate affair, to have a blow-out party in conjunction and in celebration of it is crazy. The WEDDING is the main event, not the after party.