Help with guest

Knottie_22382896

I need advice on what to do with this guest.

She's a friend of mine, we used to be close but because of her hanging out with the "wrong crowd" I decided to keep my distance. She is drinking too much and I just recently found out she is also doing drugs. She has a different boyfriend every week. We all tried to talk to her and see whats going on with her life but all she says is "I'm okay" and changes the subject.

A week ago was my friend's sister's 21st birthday. She was invited and went to the club with my friends.  A couple of minutes later, she disappeared. They were looking for her and couldn't find her. After about an hour, she showed up again and was asked by my friend where she went. She said she went to the bathroom to smoke some cocaine and that she brought some inside her bag. They were horrified, because there were police officers outside the club. They talked to her and she wouldn't listen and finally asked her to leave.

I am so worried that she's going to bring some drugs on my wedding day. We will have a police officer there.I want to talk to her about this, but I don't know what to say without her getting offended. I don't want to uninvite her but I also feel like a I am taking a risk with her on my wedding.

brielleinlove

Take your wedding out of the equation.  What would you do if you weren't getting married and your friend were behaving this way, and you were concerned for her?

That is what you should do.

Knottie_22382896

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:e05afe44-3ecb-4561-bdbd-88c5f9c3e740">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Take your wedding out of the equation.  What would you do if you weren't getting married and your friend were behaving this way, and you were concerned for her? That is what you should do.
Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

We tried taking her out and talking to her but to no avail. I don't know what to say/do anymore.

brielleinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:b2f1e70e-15d9-4083-9450-46ac69312d65">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with guest : We tried taking her out and talking to her but to no avail. I don't know what to say/do anymore.
Posted by AprilS2[/QUOTE]

<div>I am so sorry you are going through this; it is heartbreaking to watch someone you love in the throes of addiction.  Are her family members involved at all?  Have they been talking to her?  If you know any of her family members, I would try giving them a call and saying something like, "Hi, SoandSo, have you noticed that Susie has been getting out of hand with her drinking lately?  Based on what I've observed, I'm getting really concerned for her."  It sounds like this may be beyond any help you can potentially give, and it's clear that your friend isn't ready to accept help for her addictions on her own.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as your wedding goes, you can't really control her behavior; she's an adult and she is going to do what she is going to do.  At best, you can let the police officer know that you have an addict among the guests and to keep an eye out for any illegal behavior.</div>

Knottie_22382896

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:1d7a12a8-1dad-48fb-8153-e2965bb662d5">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with guest : I am so sorry you are going through this; it is heartbreaking to watch someone you love in the throes of addiction.  Are her family members involved at all?  Have they been talking to her?  If you know any of her family members, I would try giving them a call and saying something like, "Hi, SoandSo, have you noticed that Susie has been getting out of hand with her drinking lately?  Based on what I've observed, I'm getting really concerned for her."  It sounds like this may be beyond any help you can potentially give, and it's clear that your friend isn't ready to accept help for her addictions on her own. As far as your wedding goes, you can't really control her behavior; she's an adult and she is going to do what she is going to do.  At best, you can let the police officer know that you have an addict among the guests and to keep an eye out for any illegal behavior.
Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

Her uncle knows...her parents dont give a damn. Her uncle let her borrow his car to drive to/from work. He recently just took the car and told her he will drive her everywhere since he cannot trust her. She ran away and now leaving with some guy we dont know about.

TKzilla

I have never heard of someone smoking cocaine. Is that what the kids are doing these days?

brielleinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:0c159223-edd7-42ec-b063-64f4b120fb40">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never heard of someone smoking cocaine. Is that what the kids are doing these days?
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

<div>It's possible to smoke cocaine.  A lot of people will put it in a bong.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: April, it sounds like this girl needs way more help than you are able to give her, and it's too bad her family seems so uninvolved.  It's a cliche, but it's true: addicts need to decide for themselves when they are ready to get help and stop their behavior.</div>

TKzilla

Ahhhhhh snow capped mountains LMAO I vaguely remember this from college. Mother of god.

Knottie_22382896

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:a9de52b4-06a3-47b3-ae15-1d0b14e2d5c1">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with guest : Man, when did I get so uncool. OP, I agree with the first post, this isn't a wedding problem, it is a friend problem. Forget your wedding and focus on your friend.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I don't know how to help her anymore. My fiance thinks we should not invite her because we will have small kids in our wedding and he does not want to take the risk of her causing drama there. My MOH and other friends (who are her friends too...completely just gave up on helping her and are distancing themselves as well) seem to agree that we should not invite her.

kmmssg

Here is what it would like if I were in your shoes:

Friend, we need to talk about the cocaine.  I love you, I want to help you, but you have to help yourself.  I want you in my life, but only if you are drug-free.  I love you, I love the times we have had together, and I want us to be long time friends.  That can't be if there are drugs involved.  You will have to choose between our friendship and the cocaine.  I won't be around it, I won't be with you if you are using.  I love you.  Please give this up.

No mention of the wedding.

If she won't give it up, give her up.  Period.  This from a MOB who did the eulogy for my addict/alcoholic brother.  He was my very best friend in the entire world and with exception of my DH and kids, NO ONE ever loved me more than he did.

Make your discussion with her about the coke and the friendship.  If she chooses the coke she ends the friendship.  You don't invite people you aren't friends with, right?  You would get a pass from me if she got an STD - this is way beyond that simple kind of etiquette.

Also, if she has become an addict, they will steal in heartbeat to buy more coke.  Purses, cameras, etc are left unattended at receptions.  Don't think that can't happen.

I hope this helps.  If she was going to continue with the coke we would  be finished.

Amyzen83

" You would get a pass from me if she got an STD - this is way beyond that simple kind of etiquette."

Drugs can lead to STDs :-P sorry I couldn't resist the pun.

But seriously, I'm very sorry you have to deal with this! I agree with Kmmssg, drug addicts can have unpredictable behaviour and theft is one of them, if there are officers or security guards then you could still invite her, but warn them about her. If I were in your position even if you sent a save the date already or verbally invited her, I think you should get an etiquette pass, because like others have said, this is way deeper than etiquette, and she is living a destructive lifestyle that only she has the power to change. Sometimes those people need "tough love" and one of the ways to provide that is give her an ultimatum, either get help and stay clean or she can not be a part of your life including important milestones such as your wedding. Pretty soon she's going to be pretty loney with only her drugs to show for it.

Also I don't know much about the drug lifestyle, but she could also become physically violent which is never good.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:abf176b3-7990-45b6-996a-e5fcc41b2c8ePost:b7f73b06-e26a-44df-9a6a-b45e899dc97e">Re: Help with guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is what it would like if I were in your shoes: Friend, we need to talk about the cocaine.  I love you, I want to help you, but you have to help yourself.  I want you in my life, but only if you are drug-free.  I love you, I love the times we have had together, and I want us to be long time friends.  That can't be if there are drugs involved.  You will have to choose between our friendship and the cocaine.  I won't be around it, I won't be with you if you are using.  I love you.  Please give this up. No mention of the wedding. If she won't give it up, give her up.  Period.  This from a MOB who did the eulogy for my addict/alcoholic brother.  He was my very best friend in the entire world and with exception of my DH and kids, NO ONE ever loved me more than he did. Make your discussion with her about the coke and the friendship.  If she chooses the coke she ends the friendship.  You don't invite people you aren't friends with, right?  You would get a pass from me if she got an STD - this is way beyond that simple kind of etiquette. Also, if she has become an addict, they will steal in heartbeat to buy more coke.  Purses, cameras, etc are left unattended at receptions.  Don't think that can't happen. I hope this helps.  If she was going to continue with the coke we would  be finished.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. You cannot "talk" someone out of being an addict, but you can give tough love and not enable behavior. Stick to your guns and don't tolerate use. I agree with how the previous poster wrote this. Stick to the friendship, not the wedding.

You can't control her addiction, but you don't have to a part of it

oh, and there is a saying in AA "How do you know an addict is lying?" "their lips are flapping"...plan and simple, addicts lie. Even if she promises not to do coke at your wedding, it's hiighly possible someone will catch her in the bathroom doing it....



to other PP..It's smoking cocaine, really just using crack?!?!?

starryeyed0806

Smoking cocaine = crack.

MuppetOverlord

"If she won't give it up, give her up. Period."


This. She's out of control, she's an addict. Be her friend, talk to her. If she chooses a different path, that's her decision, but you don't need to be a part of that, you just need to address it and be available to support her if she makes the right decision.