Who to seat at the head table

clwalter2

Hi ladies...I have a question regarding head table seating assignments.  We are not having a wedding party (for various reasons, FI has tons of brothers/friends, it would have gotten out of hand), and now I'm trying to decide the seating arrangement for the head table.  It's a longer table with 12 open slots, so 6 for me and 6 for FI, if we decide to split evenly.  I am planning on having my mom, sister, and some best friends, all of whom are single.  FI wants to include his best friends, most of which are married.  So, would it be tacky/weird to have his friends sit at the table, and the wives at a separate table?  I was planning on seating them as couples, but he's insisting that the head table would technically be for people we'd have in our wedding party, thus significant others would be seated elsewhere.  What is the proper way to go about this?  I'm stumped.....

Jen4948

Well, I think you're going to piss off a lot of people if you force couples to sit separately.  I'd ask your fiance to give up that idea in the interest of maintaining calm and peaceful relations with the people he wants to split up.

strlzfan11

If you're not having a WP, skip the head table altogether or just have your parents (and grandparents if there's enough room) sit with you.

OliveOilsMom

I agree with PP, skip the head table. Also, you could cause hurt feelings by choosing some people to sit at the head table and not others.  It's one thing if the people at the head table were in the WP, but you could have someone thinking, why is John sitting up at the head table and not me.  He wasn't in the WP.

H & I had a sweetheart table and we both enjoyed the time alone we had at the reception. 

lyndausvi

It's bad enough to be split up from dates as part of a WP, I would be do right PISSED to be spilt up from my SO "just because".  It's not even like you will be at the head table very long anyway.

Have a sweatheart table, or just your parents or anything other than spliting up couples.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

No, if you had a wedding party you would still need to sit spouses together, so your husband is wrong about that.

Just do a sweetheart table. Or sit with your parents.

MoxieMickie

In Response to Re:Who to se

Lisa50

Hmmm ... if there is no wedding party, why is there a head table?  Did I miss something?

H's best man and his daughter, my son (my best man), my mother, the minister (my cousin) and H's sister all sat at one table with us.  Other tables had families -- up to 3 generations -- seated together, with groups of friends at another table or two.

lcatterton

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:fb2cad8c-f954-4ca5-8cb5-06778a3fa884">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : This.  If one of us is in the WP and there will be a head table sans dates, we express our displeasure to the couple privately and the one not in the WP usually skips the wedding.  If we got to a wedding and found out we were being split up at the reception as regular guests, there would be a very public discussion about how royally insulting it was and we'd likely BOTH leave the reception.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

So, I've never been to a wedding where the head table included spouses/dates of the wedding party, so I actually have a question regarding this comment..

How would you handle a bridesmaid with a husband and two kids? Do I put three extra seats at the head table and make it way larger than necessary or do I split the couple and put the husband in the crowd with the kids? (If I did this, I would actually put them with my parents at one of the very first tables next to the head table..)

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:fb2cad8c-f954-4ca5-8cb5-06778a3fa884">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : This.  <strong>If one of us is in the WP and there will be a head table sans dates, we express our displeasure to the couple privately and the one not in the WP usually skips the wedding.</strong>  If we got to a wedding and found out we were being split up at the reception as regular guests, there would be a very public discussion about how royally insulting it was and we'd likely BOTH leave the reception.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

If your H was in a wedding and you were just a guest why would you skip the wedding if just the WP was sitting at the head table? I've only ever seen once where they allowed spouses/dates sit at the head table. I've usually seen it where the bride and groom are with the WP(BM, MOH, GMs and BMs) at the head table and spouses/dates are either all together or seated with friends/family they know.

Is it an etiquette faux pas to have JUST WP at the head table? I understand that with the OP having NO WP and wanting a head table and splitting couples is wrong and they should have parents/siblings at the head table or do a sweetheart table. What is so wrong to have the BMs and GMs sit with the bride and groom for dinner and their spouses/dates and kids(if it is a kid friendly wedding) sit at another table?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:5bd342a5-2403-4fa6-84ff-74007aea9fe5">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : So, I've never been to a wedding where the head table included spouses/dates of the wedding party, so I actually have a question regarding this comment.. How would you handle a bridesmaid with a husband and two kids? Do I put three extra seats at the head table and make it way larger than necessary or do I split the couple and put the husband in the crowd with the kids? (If I did this, I would actually put them with my parents at one of the very first tables next to the head table..)
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]


I will just state in the beginning I' do not like head tables at all.  As a WP members I think they are useless and downright uncomfortable.  Because of that we sat our WP members throughout the room just like any other guests.  They sat with people they would have sat with if they were not in the WP. 

I do not subscribe to the fact the WP membes have to sit close to the couple during dinner.  The couple is rarely there anyway.

Calypso1977

So, would it be tacky/weird to have his friends sit at the table, and the wives at a separate table? 

yes.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:be818823-db4b-4033-89a1-26abd94bd3cf">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : Because it is literally saying that our relationship is less important to the couple than photos or "tradition".  Have you ever sat alone at a wedding with people you don't know?  Why am I supposed to suddenly have a great time sitting with the other "dates" of the WP?  What do we have in common besides the fact that we are all the victims of a silly photo op. I have never ever heard of a singe good reason to split up couples at an event that is supposedly celebrating love and commitment.  However, if you would care to try and give one, I'm definitely game to hear it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I've never gone to a wedding where my SO(FH or different person) was in the WP and I was not but I have gone to weddings where I was seated at a table with people I didn't know. I chatted with the people during dinner and than during the dancing part hung out on the dance floor. Would it be different if the couple had a head table for WP only and other guests could pick where they sit vs a seating chart? My sister did that because they saved money not having escort cards and they didn't want to seat someone with someone who they might not know or be getting along with at the time. They had a head table for the WP and the rest of the guests picked their own seats. My FH sat with my parents, his parents and some good friends of my family.

Maybe my FH and I are odd, in that anyone we might pick to be in our WP, their dates/spouses know other friends/family of ours that they could sit with and would probably rather sit with them vs us. The one time I saw the spouses/dates sit at the head table, the wife of one of the GM's said she would rather sit with us vs the WP because she wanted dinner to catch up with us(the table of college friends and their dates) since she doesn't get to see everyone regularly. If my FH and I asked people today to be in our WP, I can't think of a single spouse/date of a WP member that doesn't know at least 1 person being invited besides their spouse/date.

haileyschwebbs

was in a bridal party this weekend... she did a head table with all of us... i sat inbetween 2 of the husbands groomsmen... they were quite sweet but it was very strange that mine and one of their fiances sat together... it is rude to split up couples and head tables are tacky and from the 1980s go contemporary. 

StephJean83

I think each couple has the right to decide if they want to do a head table and who sits at it. I was in a wedding 9 yrs ago and my friend is still getting crap from her mom because the parents didn't sit at the head table just the WP. I think there are some expecations of a couple attending a wedding when one is in the WP and one isn't. I guess to me the dinner is 1 1/2 hrs out of 5/6 hr reception that I have the rest of the night with my FH.

If you can sit with your H during the dinner at wedding he is in, does other parts of being split bother you? Him missing cocktail hour for photos or him sitting with the WP during the ceremony?

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:acbc0f6e-0e5e-476d-b949-b040ef326e33">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : No, because at that point he is acting as a groomsman or a bridesman, and the ceremony (and photos) are all about the couple.  <strong>The WP's "job" is over after the ceremony</strong> however and the reception is about thanking the guests.  Hence why I want to spend the part that is supposed to be thanking me for coming and DH for being in the wedding WITH the person I want to spend it with.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


Would it be better to say the WP "job" is over at the start of the reception, at the end of the grand march, if they do photos post ceremony? What you say to a couple who has both you and your H in the wedding BUT they want the bride's side on one side and groom's side on the other at the head table?

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:5b82ca4c-a03b-4ac1-8f80-fe5706262061">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : The same thing I say to couples who split up ANY dates in ANY way for the sake of a headtable.  "This is silly and uncomfortable, and honestly kind of rude.  Have you considered a sweetheart table?  Or sitting both sides in a King's Table set up?  Then you could have everyone together and actually be able to visit with them too!" I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're having a "traditional" head table with everyone lined up and facing the "audience" while they eat.  You are probably also not including dates.  This is the only reason I can fathom that you would spend two days trying so dammed hard to convince me that it's not rude.  But you aren't going to.   You keep coming up with scenarios and asking me how I would react to THAT, like you're searching for the loop hole that makes me go "oh, well in that case, it is okay", but you have still yet to answer my fundamental question of WHAT GOOD REASON is there for doing it?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I asked because I was chatting with my sister and I asked her how they came to the decision to do a head table and have it be by sides since the BM is married to one of the BM and 2 GMs are married to 2 BMs and the MOH and I were the only ones with dates that weren't at the head table. She said that she talked with the BMs who's H's were in the WP and they all said to do bride's side/groom's side for the head table.

A good reason for doing it in my personal opinion is that it is what the bride/groom want to do. Yes the reception is to thank your guests but at what point does the bride/groom do what they want for the reception even if the some guests think it is rude or something they don't like? If a bride wants to do bouquet toss but some guests think that is a waste of time does she not do it?

FTR, we haven't made plans about a head table since we don't have a venue. One of the venues we looked at has a stage area for the head table that seats 16 people, without dramatically cutting who we want in the WP, if we did head table with dates, that wouldn't be feasible. We might do parents, siblings(with dates) and nieces/nephews, we might do traditional head table with just WP, we might do a bunch of round tables and we just sit with whoever. We have time to decide and I would hope that our friends/family in our WP wouldn't skip our wedding just because for maybe 2 hrs they couldn't sit with their date while they eat dinner. At every wedding my FH and I went to we didn't talk to each other throughout dinner because he was catching up with friends of his and I was meeting his friends and their dates or catching up with the ones I knew. Actually throughout most of the receptions we didn't even see each other because we were catching up with friends or dancing which is what most of the couples were doing.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:71ea0441-a288-4e38-a9c4-37fda156aa4d">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who to seat at the head table : 1) If it's something that the guests find RUDE?  Then there is never a time when the bride and groom should do it.  Comparing a bouquet toss, which I hate but has never ruined my fun at a wedding when I'm allowed to sit it out, is a bit of a stretch.  Now, if you were comparing prodding all of the "single" guests to join in on a toss because the bride wants to do it and no one is participating, then yes that's closer to the head table example and is also something that is never acceptable.   2)  Again, why is not having 16 people all facing front and on display for dinner a bad thing?  What does it detract from your wedding?  You cannot visit with anyone other than those sitting directly next to you, everyone stares and snaps photos while you're trying to eat, and you'll spend most of your time likely up doing table visits anyway.  So, what is the benefit to having a head table? 3) I never get this mentality, where the friends or family are implied as being bad friends/family members because they react poorly to being treated rudely, but the bride and groom never seem to see that TREATING their friends and family rudely makes THEM the bad friend/family member.  Of course people can survive sitting without their spouses for dinner.  But why would you want any part of your wedding to be something your loved ones have to suck it up and deal with?  Don't you WANT them to have a good time? 4) And that's likely what you will be doing at your own wedding too.  DH and I saw each other for a grand total of about 30 minutes at our own reception.  But there is a big difference between CHOOSING to do that and not having any options.  If we're at a wedding that is DH's friends, I tend to hang with him so that he can show me off and introduce me to people.  When it's my friends, it's the same thing in reverse.  When we go to an event for a mutual friend, then we tend to split off more so that we can both catch up with people since we are both close to people at the event, and not necessarily the same people.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Is the bride and groom being rude for doing the spotlight dances(father/daughter, mother/son, 1st dance) if their friends really just don't want to "suck it up and deal with it" and sit out dancing during that time? Is the bride and groom being rude if they opt to do a nontraditional cake, like cheesecake or pie, if their guests would really love a big cake on display? Is the bride and groom being rude if they don't ask all of their guests what food to serve, after all the reception/dinner is the thank you to their guests. What if some guests REALLY hate country music but the bride and other guests REALLY love it, you will offend some guests by playing it, should it be cut from the list? The mentality that you have to make sure each guest isn't offended by something you do is what bothers me the most because doing something not to offend one person(or group of people) that results in offending/being rude to someone else is just setting up the bride and groom for failure. Every bride/groom should just elope and not having the big wedding. What if the frat brothers decide to sing to me(which they do if there are enough of them) at the wedding reception offends some other guests because they feel left out? Should we tell the guys beforehand that there won't be any traditions of theirs because it could make other guests feel we are being rude? I should probably tell my FMIL that she might want to bring her Epipen because it would be rude of me to not allow tree nuts from being available to any of our guests just because she has an allergy, right? God forbid I do one thing that might offend one person. Thanks for clearing this up for me. I will be sure to tell my dad that his dream of a father/daughter dance might offend someone who doesn't have their father with them anymore(or ever had him in their life) so we can't do that because it is rude to that possible guest.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-to-seat-at-the-head-table?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aca3543d-528d-4564-aa8f-da3499b61ae8Post:748e444d-b5fc-462e-8dc3-84f8039180f4">Re: Who to seat at the head table</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you misunderstand the word "offensive".  Please purchase a dictionary and get back to me when you have a proper understanding of the difference between doing something offensive to others and liking different types of food/music/etc.  You're being utterly ridiculous at the moment and sound like a petulant child.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I was a guest at a wedding a year ago and the BM got up to do his toast and although he never crossed any lines of being inappropiate, he did push it a few times. It was funny, entertaining and gave guests some insight into who the groom is and what he was like growing up if they didn't know him or know him well. People at the table I sat at were offended by his toast, even so far as vocally letting their disdain known during the toast by gasping and after by telling everyone at the table how awful it was. I don't know if the couple knew what was going to be said before the wedding or not but they knew him and his humor and how he does things. Should that couple have said, "John I know the BM but your humor might be offensive to people who don't know you, so just do a form BM toast if you give one so as not to offend people"?

I think people who find "traditions" of weddings to be offensive or rude will find something offensive or rude no matter what the couple does short of not inviting them, which I'm sure that would be considered offensive or rude. Maybe a musical preference was not the best example but I think if someone finds it rude that a couple uses a certain song for the first dance because that "would be their first dance song" is rather stupid reason for not doing something at your wedding. Or having a BM or MOH who's toast might just push the line and one person gets offended by it, shouldn't be a reason as to why you don't have that person as the BM or MOH or have them give a toast if they want to.