Not sure if this is strictly an ettiquette question, but figured I'd ask here anyway.
I got married last October in a fairly small ceremony. I'm a really bad planner and so is my husband so despite our best intentions it was kind of mish-mash and crazy (I like to think it was charming, sort of). Anyway, I was friends with a big group of girls in high school, but in the 5 years since graduation I've drifted away from them a little, due to a lot of reasons. I don't feel too bad about it; I know it's just something that happens as you grow up. But I'm pretty sure that the rest of them are still fairly close. One of these girls was not invited to our wedding. She's been incredibly rude to both of us in the past and my husband just really doesn't like her. She was a "maybe" for me, for old times' sake, but a definite "no" for my husband, and we decided together that if her presence was going to be a detriment for him, we would just save ourselves the trouble and not invite her. The other girls were still invited, which in retrospect was a mistake. Damage done, though. She found out through a mutual friend that she was intentionally not on our guest list and drama ensued. She sent me a really nasty message via Facebook and pretty much confirmed all of my thoughts about not inviting her.
She got married earlier this month. As expected, I was not invited to her wedding and I was also not bothered by it in the least. I did send her a brief note congratulating her, and also apologized for the way I handled not inviting her. I know she was hurt, and though I also know her hurt feelings were unavoidable, as I look back there are more graceful ways I could've dealt with it. She hasn't responded and I don't expect her to.
Anyway, getting to my question in a sec, I promise. Another old friend is getting married this September and I am not invited to her wedding either. A mutual friend told me recently that everyone is still angry over my wedding and essentially they are punishing me for my (not lightly-made) decision. This is a wedding I wanted to be at. Even though she and I aren't particularly close anymore, I'm still quite fond of her and I'm a little sad at not being invited. Mostly I'm upset that she and her fiance decided they didn't want me there because they think I treat my friends badly. No one has asked about why the first friend wasn't invited and I think they've assumed it was just on a whim or I was upset with her over some small thing and using my wedding to get back at her for it.
So my question is this: Knowing that she has made her decision (and also that she is well within her rights to invite or not invite anyone she chooses), should I at least try and explain the situation to her? This whole thing has left a really bad taste in my mouth and it upsets me to think that anyone would believe that I'm just going around intentionally hurting people for my own amusement. I don't expect her to magically change her mind about inviting me (and I think that if I did go, it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone), I just want her to understand that I had a complicated decision to make and I went with what I thought was my best option.
Also, is it appropriate to send a gift? I'm really very happy for her and her fiance and I of course want to give them a wedding present, but given all of this drama and weirdness, I'm just not sure if that's okay.
Thanks so much for any advice you can give.