Advice or Control?

QuilaShaquila

Hello,

My name is Shaquila and I've been engaged for about a year. My engagement began when my finance asked permission to marry me from my mother and grandmother and they told him yes. My fiance and I have decided on the date of April 18, 2014 to marry but, my  mother is causing a big controversy over our date. She insist that we should push the wedding back an entire year which would be the exact month I'll be graduating from college. Right now my finance and I are paying for our entire wedding by ourselves so I feel as if we are the only people who have a say so in our date. In your opinion am I being mean or disrespectful by ignoring my mother or am I doing the right thing?

[Deleted User]

You and your FI know when the best time for you to get married. If that date is the one that works best for you, stick to your guns and let her know your minds will not be changed.

BrandyB93

Do you feel you need another year to plan and get ready for your wedding? Consider your mom's advice, maybe she has a good reason for it. If you're the one paying for the wedding you, of course, have the ultimate say so in the matter. I personally do not find it mean or disrespectful to decide against your mother's advice. 

MrsGandthebeag

If you're paying you have control.  Are you of traditional college age out of curiosity?  If so, waiting until you graduate college probably isn't a bad idea.  If you're older though, I guess it doesn't much matter.  

misssunshine17

How old are you? If you're going to still be in school in 2015?

I was engaged at 20 and will be married at 23, a year and a half after graduation. I would highly recommend waiting until you graduate. 

Simply Fated

You are paying so you have control, but I would consider her adbice. Why does she want you to wait?

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-or-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae634a39-e9b6-42ed-b122-de388b6708d3Post:6cf11d64-e00f-4cdd-b051-d33308a86e57">Re:Advice or Control?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Advice or Control?: Most college grads are between age 23 and 25 these days. Graduating at 20 is very unusual.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think she's saying she graduated at 20--my math has her graduating at 21.5-22, which is when the average college student graduates since the average student goes straight from high school to college (not everyone obviously, as some people wait a few years).</div><div>
</div><div>OP, depending on how old you are, waiting another year wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea, however, it's not mean of you to decide to get married in 2014 if you and your FI are paying yourself.

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daffydillie

I think if you are living on your own, paying for your own wedding, and able to afford it I say keep your date. If you are planning on living with either set of parents or unable to support yourselves I say wait.

AddieCake

The biggest question is why she wants you to wait. If she has valid reasons, it might be something to consider. 

artbyallie

Honestly, the last semester of any degree program (and please tell me you're a non-traditional student or getting a graduate-plus level degree, because otherwise you're probably too young) is pretty stressful and crazy, and I would not want to have a wedding immediately following because I'd be way too tired.

But seriously, how old are you? By my math, if you're a typical college student, you got engaged as a freshman, so 18/19? Yikes. I started dating my now-H my freshman year of college and obviously he was the one, but we dated 4.5 years before getting engaged and got married a year after that. And I feel like I was only barely ready.

hoffse

Some thoughts:

1) It's not rude to ignore your mother's advice - you are paying for it and that's your perogative.  

2) I apologize if this is too blunt, but I have to say it.  While it might not be rude, it COULD be foolish.  Consider why your mom wants you to wait - is it age?  Is it finances?

3) I think it depends on where you are in life.  It could be that you've been working since high school and you go to college part-time.  Or it could be that you're young with a part-time job (or he has a job) that lets you fund a wedding while in college, but you are still in your very early 20s going to school day in day out.  We don't know that.  But I think most brides on here would advise against getting married until you can afford it.  The reality is that if you are going to be married regardless, then the year doesn't really matter.

4) All that said I really do get where you are coming from.  FI and I are getting married in early April.  He is still in law school about 3 hours away from me, and he has another full year left after this one before he graduates  We made this decision for a few reasons.  First, I am an attorney and we got engaged at the very beginning of his first year and the very beginning of my last.  For us to wait for him to graduate would have been a three year engagement, and that was not necessary for our circumstances.  By then we knew I had a job lined up, we knew how much I would make, and we both knew what his scholarship/loan situation was.  He took two years off between college and law school to work and save money so that his loans wouldn't be crushing.  We stil scheduled the wedding almost two years later to give me time to take the bar, settle into my new job, and save some money.  We have been together since our senior year of high school 8 years ago, and most of our friends were really surprised we waited this long.  We both feel that this was the first time in our lives when we could afford it without really putting a strain on our marriage.

If you haven't thought about this or really sat down with your FI to discuss how your finances would be with you as a student, I would do that before setting a date.  It's not always fun, but it's very important.  Personally, I would never ever get married while one of us was still in college - largely because the jobs you can get with a college degree are vastly different than those you can get without one.  Law school to me is different - we are older, more financially aware, and we can afford for me to be the sole breadwinner in the event he can't find employment upon graduation.  Talk to your mom and see what is driving her concerns, and recognize that she likely has a more long-term perspective than you about how relationships and money work.  

lauralaur

If you're paying you don't need to do as she asks but as others have said I would consider her reasoning. I will tell you my own story:

I got married at 22. When I got engaged I was still in school and splitting my time between living at home and staying with my fi. My parents still gave me a good deal of financial support, including paying for school. When I got engaged, my father mentioned to me that oh, by the way, if I was adult enough to get married, then I would be adult enough to pay my own way, and all financial support from him would end (which it did when I graduated anyway). It was in my best interest financially to wait some time to get married after graduating, we got married almost a year after I graduated. With or without my parent's financial support, that did give me a second to start my career, save for the wedding as we paid for a good chunk ourselves, and for fi and I to set up our own place prior to getting married.

Does your mother still support you financially in any way?

Avion22

Have you considered how being married will affect your studies?  It could impact whether or not you are eligible for financial aid, so if you have aid now you may lose it, or have to reapply.  If you don't qualify now, you might if you are married.  Do you live in student housing?   Does your mother cover any of your school-related expenses?   Are you on her health insurance plan?    

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-or-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae634a39-e9b6-42ed-b122-de388b6708d3Post:6cf11d64-e00f-4cdd-b051-d33308a86e57">Re:Advice or Control?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Advice or Control?: Most college grads are between age 23 and 25 these days. Graduating at 20 is very unusual.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

it depends on when she graduated from high school and how many credits she took a semester especially if she went year-round. i graduated from high school when i was 17 (i worked hard to get ahead) and graduated from college on my 20th birthday (busted my a$$!)

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-or-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae634a39-e9b6-42ed-b122-de388b6708d3Post:eb10616b-3ef4-427c-88ed-53f029dc3ee3">Re:Advice or Control?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Advice or Control? : it depends on when she graduated from high school and how many credits she took a semester especially if she went year-round. i <strong>graduated from high school when i was 17 (i worked hard to get ahead) and graduated from college on my 20th birthday (busted my a$$!)</strong>
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Yes, but Stage is right in graduating from college at 20 is unusual.

I think that if you are the average age of a college junior right now (between 19 and 21) then it might be good to consider the reasoning why your mom wants you to wait. Ditto the questions to consider layed out by PP's : how old are you? what is your financial state? where do you currently live? I think that waiting may not be a bad thing, but considering you are paying for you wedding on your own, you have the final say.

lovesclimbing

I got married in between semesters just this past Christmas break and it wasn't a big deal.  I managed to get a 3.4 GPA even with the planning.  This semester just started and so far, it's going great!  I don't think it's a mistake to get married during college.  I have two other friends who have gotten married during college who don't regret a thing.

In addition, I don't think age is a huge deal.  I have many friends who got married at 19-20-21-22ish and who have had happy marriages for two, three, four, five years already!  Now I know that's not a terribly long time but so far, they're still going strong and are very very happy!  I also have a roommate who got married at 19 during college and got a divorce 7 months later and another friend who got married at 23 in college and divorced 9 months later.

So, I think people can certainly have wonderful marriages even at a young age.  It all depends on the maturity of the couple, how realistic their expectations are, and how hard they are willing to work.

I say keep your date unless you believe your mother has a legitimate concern that should be addressed.  Personally, I would not want an engagement that long but that's me.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-or-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae634a39-e9b6-42ed-b122-de388b6708d3Post:a6ce2dbe-3ce2-40cb-ae8c-b23a8a1253d1">Re: Advice or Control?</a>:
[QUOTE]I got married in between semesters just this past Christmas break and it wasn't a big deal.  I managed to get a 3.4 GPA even with the planning.  This semester just started and so far, it's going great!  I don't think it's a mistake to get married during college.  I have two other friends who have gotten married during college who don't regret a thing. In addition, I don't think age is a huge deal.  I have many friends who got married at 19-20-21-22ish and who have had happy marriages for two, three, four, five years already!  Now I know that's not a terribly long time but so far, they're still going strong and are very very happy!  I also have a roommate who got married at 19 during college and got a divorce 7 months later and another friend who got married at 23 in college and divorced 9 months later. So, I think people can certainly have wonderful marriages even at a young age.  It all depends on the maturity of the couple, how realistic their expectations are, and how hard they are willing to work. I say keep your date unless you believe your mother has a legitimate concern that should be addressed.  Personally, I would not want an engagement that long but that's me.
Posted by lovesclimbing[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes this is true but it's seriously a bigger gamble than waiting a couple years.  Psychologically, most people hit maturity in their mid to late 20s, sometimes not until their 30s.  I am 26, and I am a VERY different perosn than I was at 21.  FI and I have been dating since then, and our relationship has gotten better.  But many people grow apart during that time, and you just have no idea until you actually get there.  The other thing is inancial security - most college aged kids don't know what life costs, because they take out a loan or their parents pay, and they have plenty of money to live on, especially if they are on campus with a meal plan, etc.  Finances are the #1 cause of divorce, and I feel like you minimize your chances of divorce if you wait until you can actually see how each of you approaches money in the real world.  Obviously some are ready for it - but I just don't see the point.  If you are going to be together forever anyway, what's a year or two of dating or being engaged, compared to a year or two of marriage?

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