Wedding Etiquette Forum

My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"

My fiance dated this girl a few years ago and stayed friends with her ever since they broke up.  She happens to be planning her wedding at the same time as we are and is getting married a month after us.  A few weeks ago, we received a Save the Date from her.  Rather, he received a StD, since my name wasn't included.  It was addressed to "Mr. (my fiance's name) and guest".  Now, he's told me that he always talks about me whenever he talks to her, so she's well aware of what my name is.  Not to mention that my name is plastered all over his Facebook page.  It's easy enough to find.  We've been engaged for months, so it's not like we barely know each other.  Doesn't etiquette state that if a guest you'd like to invite has a significant other, whether married, engaged, or in a serious relationship, then you're supposed to find out that person's name and include them on the StD/invite?  That's what I did when I sent out my Save the Dates and it really didn't take much extra effort.  I figured that it's simply a polite thing to do.

So I'm wondering... am I over-reacting?  Or am I right in being offended that not only didn't she bother to hop online for a quick second or to text my fiance to find out the spelling of my name, but that she didn't even bother to include it at all, as though she considers me to be unimportant in my fiance's life?  That's how it feels, anyway.
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Re: My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"

  • You're right to be offended, as it was a faux pas on her part.

    However, it's not worth getting worked up over. Clearly you and your FI know that you are important in his life (hence you're getting married)! So in the long run, what does it matter what his ex thinks or writes?
  • Yeah, it's a crappy thing to do.  But there's really nothing you can do about it except for be the bigger person and make sure you print your name clearly on the response card.  It's one of two things -- either she's just really clueless and made a faux pas without meaning to, or she's a snippy little twit who is trying to get in a dig.  Either way, rise above it.
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  • I would probably be a little annoyed, however, it's just the STD.  See what happens with the invitation.  And really what are you going to do about it?  Call her?  Throw a fit?  Not go?  Are you truly ok with this friendship?  Are you sure you're not mostly upset b/c it's your FI's ex-gf who did this? 

    Just trying to help you gain some perspective, you don't really need to answer my questions.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-ex-considers-merely-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae71a158-b4f8-4678-8ce4-49c23e428daaPost:5544abcf-ad5f-4723-86f6-44047ed7dc84">My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance dated this girl a few years ago and stayed friends with her ever since they broke up.  She happens to be planning her wedding at the same time as we are and is getting married a month after us.  A few weeks ago, we received a Save the Date from her.  Rather, he received a StD, since my name wasn't included.  It was addressed to "Mr. (my fiance's name) and guest".  Now, he's told me that he always talks about me whenever he talks to her, so she's well aware of what my name is.  Not to mention that my name is plastered all over his Facebook page.  It's easy enough to find.  We've been engaged for months, so it's not like we barely know each other.  Doesn't etiquette state that if a guest you'd like to invite has a significant other, whether married, engaged, or in a serious relationship, then you're supposed to find out that person's name and include them on the StD/invite?  That's what I did when I sent out my Save the Dates and it really didn't take much extra effort.  I figured that it's simply a polite thing to do. So I'm wondering... am I over-reacting?  Or am I right in being offended that not only didn't she bother to hop online for a quick second or to text my fiance to find out the spelling of my name, but that she didn't even bother to include it at all, as though she considers me to be unimportant in my fiance's life?  That's how it feels, anyway.
    Posted by GreenEire[/QUOTE]

    I would be upset, too. It was bad form from an etiquette standpoint and a personal relationship standpoint.

    However, it's not worth getting too upset over. Focus on your own wedding and following the proper etiquette.  It's fine to be annoyed, but I would advise just to let it go after giving it a big eyeroll to your FI.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-ex-considers-merely-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae71a158-b4f8-4678-8ce4-49c23e428daaPost:5544abcf-ad5f-4723-86f6-44047ed7dc84">My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance dated this girl a few years ago and stayed friends with her ever since they broke up.  She happens to be planning her wedding at the same time as we are and is getting married a month after us.  A few weeks ago, we received a Save the Date from her.  Rather, he received a StD, since my name wasn't included.  It was addressed to "Mr. (my fiance's name) and guest".  Now, he's told me that he always talks about me whenever he talks to her, so she's well aware of what my name is.  Not to mention that my name is plastered all over his Facebook page.  It's easy enough to find.  We've been engaged for months, so it's not like we barely know each other.  Doesn't etiquette state that if a guest you'd like to invite has a significant other, whether married, engaged, or in a serious relationship, then you're supposed to find out that person's name and include them on the StD/invite?  That's what I did when I sent out my Save the Dates and it really didn't take much extra effort.  I figured that it's simply a polite thing to do. So I'm wondering... am I over-reacting?  <strong>Or am I right in being offended that not only didn't she bother to hop online for a quick second or to text my fiance to find out the spelling of my name, but that she didn't even bother to include it at all, as though she considers me to be unimportant in my fiance's life?  That's how it feels, anyway.</strong>
    Posted by GreenEire[/QUOTE]
    1. If you're offended, be offended. You don't have to ask anyone's permission.
    2. Do you REALLY care what your FI's ex girlfriend thinks of your relationship? Because her opinion really shouldn't matter to you. Also, she might just be clueless. Maybe she did it out of sheer ignorance. Maybe not. Either way, it doesn't really matter because what can you do?
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  • You could always sign the guest book Mr Green and guest 

    =-)



    Ditto others.  She was wrong but don't let it get to you.
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  • She's snubbing you for sure. But... that being said, if your FI wants to remain friends with her it's probably not worth getting worked up over. She's probably a little jealous of you. Just remember: you already won. If you go, smile your biggest brightest smile and keep telling yourself that. :-)
  • Thanks guys.  I guess I just needed a little perspective.  It's not the end of the world and I am super happy with my fiance, so I'll just focus on that.  :)
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  • Sounds like she's being a douchebag beyotch but as the others have said you should just ignore it. It's not worth loosing sleep over.

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  • Could be she's just clueless. My husband got "and guest"ed to my coworker's wedding a couple of years ago. The bride asked me if I had changed my name, but didn't bother to find out his.
  • amys325amys325 member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    To the OP:

    A similar thing happened to me a few years ago.  My now husband and I weren't engaged yet, but had been together for at least 3 years.  My husband was IN the wedding as the Best Man and not only did the invite say To Mr. X and Guest, but when we got to the reception, the place card said Mr. X and Guest....and this is after he responded that him and I would be attending.  I was annoyed.

    They are the same people who put "We prefer cash gifts" on their invitation....so I know they aren't that bright. 

    But still...I was offended!  Ugh.
  • I don't think it's obviously a snub.  I didn't know that "and guest" was considered rude until coming here or that people would be offended by it being on a STD/invitation.  I think you need to get over it and keep moving.  If she was really trying to snub you, she probably wouldn't have invited him with a guest at all.


  • Don't say anything, but you can be happy with the knowledge that she was in the wrong here, and was petty enough to do it on purpose. Don't sink to her level by acknowledging her slight on you.
  • MRadsMRads member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    I've been invited to 5 weddings since being engaged and 4 of them were to me and guest, including the one to my sister's wedding.  FI was offended, esp over my sister's, but some people are just kind of clueless.  It could be a snub on her part, it might not be, but I wouldn't be overly concerned about it.  I do know that we will not be addressing any invites to "and guest" unless the guest is truely a guest.
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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Some people have this crazy idea that people are called "and guest" until they are married.  So your FI's ex might just be doing the wrong thing but not mean anything.

    Or maybe she was indicating that if you could not attend, your FI was free to bring another person.

    Who knows.  I'd stop worrying about it and focus on 1. your own wedding, and 2. how to look kick-ass if you decide to attend hers.
  • I would be pretty pissed about that. She's obviously commiting the etiquette crime on purpose to piss you off and make you feel insignificant.

    Bitch about it to us and the privacy for your home with your FI, but to her you're the sweetest person in the WORLD and sooo happy that she has found happyness! (buuut she can kiss your as* do the same back to her come wedding std and invite time ;) )
  • You're right that you should have been addressed by name. But some people really do think "and guest" is correct for any couple that isn't married. She might have intentionally been being a bitch or she just might be clueless.
  • My cousin addressed a STD to my brother and his fiancee as "Mr. G LastName and Guest." I don't think it was an intentional snub or anything on my cousin's part; I just think she's clueless. She had no reason to be, since she'd asked *me* a month before how my brother's fiancee spelled her name, but whatever. My brother's fiancee is offended, but she's joking about it, and I'm sure she'll move on. You should, too.
  • hccpsuhccpsu member
    100 Comments
    Are you going to invite her to your wedding?  If so, then you could address her invitation to "Ms. Ex and Guest" to see how she likes it  :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-ex-considers-merely-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae71a158-b4f8-4678-8ce4-49c23e428daaPost:cc32393d-3633-4cbf-8b98-4af5a3dc7eb7">Re: My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would probably be a little annoyed, however, it's just the STD.  See what happens with the invitation.  And really what are you going to do about it?  Call her?  Throw a fit?  Not go?  Are you truly ok with this friendship?  Are you sure you're not mostly upset b/c it's your FI's ex-gf who did this?  Just trying to help you gain some perspective, you don't really need to answer my questions.
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. If the invitation doesn't have your name on it - it's an obvious snub.
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  • Don't worry about it.  She's the one that looks like an assss for not using proper etiquette. 
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  • I get really insulted when I'm a "and guest" and FI and I refuse to attend weddings if one of us is a "guest".  My cousin, who I had never met (long story), took the time to write FI name on the invite.

    We've been together a really long time (longer than most couples getting married and living together for just as long).  So they all know me and know my name.

    MO is if you can't take the time to write my name (and they all know my name) then I can't take the time to attend.

    BUT I can be a beyotch
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-ex-considers-merely-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae71a158-b4f8-4678-8ce4-49c23e428daaPost:cba6213a-0083-44bc-874c-40d92c6419de">Re: My fiance's ex considers me to be merely "and guest"</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're right to be offended, as it was a faux pas on her part. However, it's not worth getting worked up over. Clearly you and your FI know that you are important in his life (hence you're getting married)! So in the long run, <strong>what does it matter what his ex thinks or writes?
    </strong>Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    It does not matter.  Hey, at least she included you ... if she were being vindictive, she would have addressed to him only. 
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