Wedding Etiquette Forum

fmil gueslist issue

Our invitations were supposed to go out last week. We have A LOT of out-of-country guests that need to know the details asap, and the invitations have a long way to travel. When we sent out other cards to the regions that our guests live, they have taken weeks to get there! 

Anyways, the point is- invitations were already supposed to be in the mail. FMIL had over a year to compile her guest list, and still hasn't. I've sat down with her many times and helped her put together a list- she told me the info and I typed it all up, organized and all. I have emailed this list to her several times, as she always seems to "lose" it on her computer.

The problem is she STILL hasn't made up who to invite, doesn't have half the addresses, and doesn't even know the names of a bunch of guests! This is a problem in itself, but she's also taken to emailing me tidbits of information. Almost every day I wake up to emails saying "please add X, Y, Z to the list. The address for B is...", and when she comes over she has all sorts of post-its with chicken scratch of the info. I honestly can't keep up with her method of bit-by-bit additions, and haven't been able to always update HER list with all her new bits of info. When she asks me for the "latest" list, and I send it to her, she gets all annoyed that I don't have all the other bits of info that she has emailed me.

I don't want to be mean, but I asked her to put together a list. I tried helping her, but now it seems like she just won't do the list on her own- she just passes info to me and expects me to keep up (which I can't- she has over 150 guests and it's all over the place!). When fh asked her why she won't update her own list, she says she's "afraid to ruin it".

I'm so frustrated... first because we can't send out her invitations, and second because she won't do anything herself! Any advice on what to do? I don't want to piss her off, but I also don't want to be her secretary for the rest of the wedding-planning!

Re: fmil gueslist issue

  • Is she paying for the wedding?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:6e423666-5006-44ca-8a13-c7b13d17e3ff">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : I know this is normally a factor, but this situation is a little ridiculous. I would say to her, "Here is the latest copy of the list.  Please add whoever is necessary and get it back to me in X days, or I will send the invitations out with the current/latest list I have."
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. It is impossible to invite guests if you don't have their contact information or even their names! Give her a firm deadline that you need the names and addresses by and inform her that invitations will only go to those people.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:6e423666-5006-44ca-8a13-c7b13d17e3ff">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : I know this is normally a factor, but this situation is a little ridiculous. I would say to her, "Here is the latest copy of the list.  Please add whoever is necessary and get it back to me in X days, or I will send the invitations out with the current/latest list I have."
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Yeah, I agree. If she is paying for the entire wedding, I would suggest sitting down with her and doing her final list together (some people are terribly unorganized), but if not, I agree with this.</div>
  • When you say she is afraid she will ruin it, it makes me wonder if she is computer illiterate.  Is she not computer savvy and afraid she will ruin what you emailed her?

    FI needs to take over here.  Have him go to his mom's and sit down with her to finish this.  It is his family and if he should be more involved here than you make it sound.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:aa1aa84d-1f4d-4668-81d3-e3b25af56007">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is she paying for the wedding?
    Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

    <div>She is paying for some stuff, but not for the wedding itself.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:6e423666-5006-44ca-8a13-c7b13d17e3ff">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : I know this is normally a factor, but this situation is a little ridiculous. I would say to her, "Here is the latest copy of the list.  Please add whoever is necessary and get it back to me in X days, or I will send the invitations out with the current/latest list I have."
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem is that with the current list, I can barely invite 20 guests since that is all that I have complete info for! And I know she'd kill me, and potentially bury me in someone's backyard.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:05c8953b-0d1e-4b1b-9851-9fccb5f654e3">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]P.S.  If your wedding is May 11th, the earliest the invitations need to go out is March 11th so you still have three weeks.
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem is that more than half of the invitations need to go overseas, and anytime I've sent something overseas (some more remote regions in Europe), things have taken up to a month! I'm not worried about the guests in Canada or the USA, usually mail only takes a few days to reach the destination here.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:c7980105-9268-4493-a2ea-6035763146ff">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]When you say she is afraid she will ruin it, it makes me wonder if she is computer illiterate.  Is she not computer savvy and afraid she will ruin what you emailed her? FI needs to take over here.  Have him go to his mom's and sit down with her to finish this.  It is his family and if he should be more involved here than you make it sound.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>She is completely fine with computers, she's on it all day! I've even shown her how to add to the guest list, many many times. She has told me, though, that "if I'm not interested in doing something, I won't do it. That's what I had kids for, that's what you're here for". She's said this on numerous occasions, so I'm thinking that while she wants to invite a bazillion people, she just doesn't care to get it all together?</div>
  • This is similar to my FMIL.  My fiance has stepped in and been firm with her and told her that if we don't get the info, they're not being invited...and as of right now, they're not.  It's been almost 3 months and she hasn't provided the information (and she's been sent my excel spreadsheet a number of times).  She doesn't work and I swear she spends 12 hours a day on Facebook...she has time to do this.  Set a date, have your fiance share the date with her and then be firm.  Can your venue accommodate people if she comes to you with 20 extra after the date you set?  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:3c4d33cd-b09c-4e75-9c53-d313467cbde3">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : Did you not send Save the Dates?
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>I wanted to send Save the Dates (even had a cute one picked out) but his family said that it's a dumb idea and that people will think those are the invitations, since they're not used in Europe (around 1/2 the list is European, that's where both our families are from).</div><div>
    </div><div>I think I'll have to ask fh, again, to sit down and get this done. Even if the list is put together, I don't even want to think about how long it'll take me to address another 90+ envelopes when they need to be rushed out asap! grrr</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:4af1354c-aa5b-4fd7-93ac-caeda59d8e9d">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is similar to my FMIL.  My fiance has stepped in and been firm with her and told her that if we don't get the info, they're not being invited...and as of right now, they're not.  It's been almost 3 months and she hasn't provided the information (and she's been sent my excel spreadsheet a number of times).  She doesn't work and I swear she spends 12 hours a day on Facebook...she has time to do this.  Set a date, have your fiance share the date with her and then be firm.  Can your venue accommodate people if she comes to you with 20 extra after the date you set?  
    Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

    <div>oh no, tough situation for you too!</div><div>
    </div><div>my FMIL is always on fb, skype, EVERYTHING as well. And she doesn't work either. I think that's another part that irks me... I have so much on my plate (2 jobs, masters degree, launching my company, wedding planning, and I still have to do her job?) and she doesn't really have many responsibilities, yet can't get it done.</div><div>
    </div><div>Unfortunately my venue needs final numbers 3 weeks before (so mid-april) because we've given our guests choice with their meals, so they need to know how many of each entree they should pre-order from their vendors. </div>
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2013
    Talk about beating a dead horse, but can you just copy and paste it into an email and ask her to make changes to that? Even a .doc format may help. Sounds like you're fighting a losing battle with that one. Sorry, you may need to suck it up and use her scraps of paper. I do agree on getting your FI involved.
  • edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:dd995ed5-5338-47ca-b2ab-5664a118a416">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Talk about beating a dead horse, but can you just copy and paste it into an email and ask her to make changes to that? Even a .doc format may help. Sounds like you're fighting a losing battle with that one. Sorry, you may need to suck it up and use her scraps of paper. I do agree on getting your FI involved.
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I'm scared of... getting stuck with the scraps, emails, phone calls...</div><div>
    </div><div>I have turned it into a normal document, and even printed it and asked her to fill in the blanks (which i highlighted) with a pen, so I could just type all the remaining stuff up in one hit. But, no such luck!</div><div>
    </div><div>I hope this doesn't forshadow my marriage lol!</div>
  • I'd agree with the firm deadline. I'm having a similar issue. I asked my fiance what to do and he says if I get any other names past the deadline to just ignore them. As long as I have the important people (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) then I'm OK. And if they are mad about it later you can always say you sent it and maybe they never got it haha
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:b54d2549-dbcc-4e28-af60-45a505404127">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd agree with the firm deadline. I'm having a similar issue. I asked my fiance what to do and he says if I get any other names past the deadline to just ignore them. As long as I have the important people (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc) then I'm OK. And if they are mad about it later you can always say you sent it and maybe they never got it haha
    Posted by Andama08[/QUOTE]

    <div>hahaha I like the way you think! We do have important family covered (because I know their info and I got it already- luckily).</div><div>
    </div><div>I guess I can tell her end of the month, and that's it? Invites go out to those who I have full info for, and otherwise tough luck?</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:515262ed-986e-4aa2-bffb-af1ca1bb2d47">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : That's what I would do.
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for the advice, Sylvia. I think that's what I'll have to do, after I focus on growing some balls. I'm actually kinda scared of her... and her reaction.</div><div>
    </div><div>But it has come to that, so there's no other way around it. </div><div>
    </div><div>BTW, I kept meaning to say that I love the pics you chose!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:114e2c9d-feb6-45db-a83a-34a0888f98e2">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil gueslist issue : The only problem with this is that you need to call anyone who hasn't RSVPed.  For the OP I doubt she would be able to get phone numbers if she can't get addresses ;)
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>gahhhhh.... good point. So passive-aggressive fantasy stops here lol!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-gueslist-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aeb4805c-5acc-46fb-9232-29987560ccd4Post:a5ccab9f-add3-44a5-9ff4-527ebc1cec37">Re: fmil gueslist issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]A girl can always dream ;)
    Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

    <div>yes, we can!</div>
  • Sounds like you're getting lucky to me!  If she won't give you the addresses, then her guests aren't invited.  And you aren't stuck paying for them.  Next time she tries to hand you a slip of paper, hand it back to her, say you're too busy to be keeping track of things like that, and you'd feel just so terrible if you lost it, so unless she writes everything down on the actual list, you aren't sending the invites.

    And if she doesn't, oh well. 


    EXCEPT SCRATCH ALL OF THAT

    tell her son to do the above :)
  • *High Five* STARMOON! lol I agree, definitely not your fault and noone can be mad. You did all you could to get addresses.
  • I agree with the other posts about setting a firm deadline... but tell her the deadline is a few days before the real deadline, because even if she tried to make the deadline, she sounds like the type who will be late anyway.

    If she doesn't meet the deadline, have your fiance make up the list for his side (he must have a good idea of who needs to be invited from his side), and then try to get addresses from someone else in the family (grandma? aunt? email the people?) or try getting their addresses off the internet?

    Then, if there's anyone who she wanted to be invited, but didn't get an invitation, she only has herself to blame and that's not your problem. Sounds like you need to look out for yourself and do what's best for you, and not whats best for FMIL. After all, she doesn't seem too concerned about your out-of-country guests getting their invitations, so why should you care so much about her guests getting theirs?
  • >>I think that's what I'll have to do, after I focus on growing some balls. I'm actually kinda scared of her... and her reaction.

    If your parents' names are on the top line of the invitation, then your parents are hosting the wedding, and GUEST LIST is one of the things that the HOSTS do.  Turn this over to your mother and have her talk to FMIL.

    It's been my experience that sometimes a parent person can try to manipulate someone who is their own kid's age... but when a same-age person talks to them, all of a sudden, they shape up and do what's due.
  • In Response to Re:fmil gueslist issue:[QUOTE]gt;gt;I think that's what I'll have to do, after I focus on growing some balls. I'm actually kinda scared of her... and her reaction.If your parents' names are on the top line of the invitation, then your parents are hosting the wedding, and GUEST LIST is one of the things that the HOSTS do.nbsp; Turn this over to your mother and have her talk to FMIL.It's been my experience that sometimes a parent person can try to manipulate someone who is their own kid's age... but when a sameage person talks to them, all of a sudden, they shape up and do what's due. Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Don't listen to Kristin.
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  • I had the same issue with FMIL-- I finally had FI say to her this weekend that we are ordering invitations March 1st.  If we do not have addresses by then they will not get an invite.  You've done all you can do and the ball is in her court.  Have FI deal with her, or better yet is there someone else in the family you can go through to get the addresses.
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