Toss out invite?

llfinch

Okay, I have been lurking on here forever, since I joined way back in the day when my sister got married. So, my question is this:

I just recently had my cousins husband blow up to me on fb about not changing my last name, here is the post:

"WHEN U GET MARRIED U GET MARRIED if u want to keep your last name DONT GET MARRIED AND LET HIM ADOPT YOUR DAUGHTER THAT IS MESSED UP, if you love him and u want him to be a dad to your daughter let him, BUT BE A WIFE TO HIM ALSO.................. NOT A PRINCESS, because u are not royalty.........................."

There have been many issues in the past few day, such as racial and homophobic statements in response to their views of the people I am friends with. Apparently they do not approve that I have black friends and gay friends, which they have posted on my wall about. They are rather dramatic, and live for things like this. Should I go ahead and just invite them and hope (pray?) they behave, or just not send an invite?

emilyinchile

This is one of those where it depends on your circumstances. Will not inviting this cousin and her husband cause WWIII in your family? If so, I'd do it. It's unlikely they will actually cause some kind of disturbance on your wedding day (and if they do, you can ask venue staff to kick them out), and your interaction with them will be limited to "hello, thanks so much for coming, ok, we have to go mingle now." No big deal.

If no one in your family will care though, and you're ready to cut ties with them forever, you'd be fine not to invite them.

midgetthemighty

How big is your family? If you're inviting all of the other cousins/SO's and not them, it would probably cause more drama than it's worth to not invite them.

I'm sorry they're ignorant in their beliefs about certain things but if they really disagree with the marriage that much, they won't show anyway.

Birdie1483

I'm not inviting a particular cousin because he's threatened to kill my aunt and brother in the last year. He also says crazy stuff on FB as well. However, his parents are no longer with us, so it's easier for me to not invite him.

Ultimately, if you are really uncomfortable with them being there then I wouldn't invite them. I know family dynamics can be complicated, but I put my foot down with my cousin because I just really didn't want to be in the same room with him on one of the most important days of my life.

hlq2011

Will it make your life more difficult not to invite them?  If it will, you probably should just invite them and do your best to ignore them other than the 2.3 seconds you have to spend saying hello.

But if people won't notice or care, skip them.  They're clearly disrespectful of you, and I don't blame you for not wanting them around on your wedding day.

slwager

maybe it's not correct etiquette per se but racism and homophobia are dealbreakers for me.

i would say no.  then again, a gay rabbi is marrying us.

llfinch

My family is quite large, and her family has always been the pot-stirring sort. They are your typical drug-doing, hard drinking, yet hardcore religious type. They have no concept of thinking beyond what their parents taught them. I am the snobby one (princess) because I moved away to NY and got my MBA. They pushed my limit yesterday when I posted the McDonalds incident link on my wall, and they stated "f*ck the fagets" And yes, they included the spelling error. They then tried to justify it by saying "the Bible says it's wrong". At this point, they have made it quite clear they are okay with supporting hate crimes and racism. I am just at the point where I am sick of even hearing about them, based on their narrow-mindedness.

jessicabessica

Do you have any positive relationship with them?  I would not invite them, based on what you've described here.  I would also make it so they couldn't post on my FB wall. 

specialk84

Why are you still friends with them on FB?

I wouldn't invite them.  I know it might cause drama in the family, but I still wouldn't do it.  If I did invite them and they made any disparaging remarks about any of the (many) gay people in attendance, I would show up on the evening news.  I can see it now: bride in a big poofy white dress kicks asshole's butt.

Judith233

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_toss-out-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:afd44746-74fc-45e8-a405-205f25357dc2Post:d9079560-c6d6-4437-9321-67ecbd07438f">Re: Toss out invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have any positive relationship with them?  I would not invite them, based on what you've described here.  I would also make it so they couldn't post on my FB wall. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

This, especially the FB issue.  Block the heck out of them.  And I would be tempted to report them for hateful speech just to be a b!tch.

lyndausvi

I wouldn't invite them.  If anyone asks just refer them to your FB wall.  I think that says it all.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Personally, I would not invite people like this to my wedding (and would cut them out of my life in general), even if it would cause family drama. 

SarahPLiz

I think first of all you need to defriend them on FB. Those types of attacks are not appropriate, especially if they can't spell or use proper grammar. 

Don't invite people you can't stand. 

llfinch

Done, and done. Unfriended, blocked and reported. Thank you for your advice, ladies. I was wondering if I was being too harsh, but you're right, I really have no room in my life for people that feel the need to attack others. I am just bracing myself for the fallout...

emilyinchile

You haven't addressed the issue of how this is likely to go over with the rest of your family.

How is this likely to go over with the rest of your family?

llfinch

Its causing a ripple. They are known as the odd/crazy/redneck ones, so no one blames me, and my parents support the decision. I am getting the general impression that this has been bubbling under the surface for some time and that it was inevitable that someone would call them on it. They don't want hard feelings in the family, but some statements/actions are unacceptable.

emilyinchile

Gotcha. That sounds like the best of both worlds then.

LilyWater09

IMO - you already know the answer to this question in your heart.  Execute on that answer and you will be at peace with yourself.  Block them from you on FB and you wont feel any of their guilt afterwards. 

I know easier said than done but I have learned there are alot of things in life that we grow up and are just expected of us - sometimes we need to outgrow />others< expectations of us and meet our own expectations.