Critique my invite wording

mocha beans

Here's what I've got.  It's a DW that everyone is invited to with a welcome home/open house party 2 weeks later.

On the invitation itself:

Please Join Us As We,

mocha beans real name

&

mocha beans' FI's real name

Begin Our Marriage Together

Thursday, September 23, 2010
5pm
Lanikuhonua, Phase 2
Kapolei, Oahu, Hawaii

Dinner to follow
Roy's
Honolulu, Hawaii

On the other info card:

Celebrate with us at home
Saturday, October 9, 2010
2pm
real address

For travel information, visit
wedding website address

Please RSVP by September 9, 2010
via our website or phone
phone #'s here

Mahalo!  (thanks in Hawaiian, I thought it'd be cute, yes, no?)

Website will have directions in Hawaii.  The restaurant lets you do tableside ordering, so no meal options need to be preselected.  We are putting this whole shindig on ourselves, and both sets of parents are divorced, in other relationships, or deceased.  I wanted to avoid the word salad by listing all the parents with appropriate relationships.

I'm going to run errands and then go to work, so I'll answer questions tonight.

(why did I off doing this until the last minute?)

danieliza1127

It should be in the third person.  I would do this instead:

The pleasure of your company
is requested at the marriage of

You
to
Your FI

Thursday, the twenty-third of September
two thousand ten
five o'clock in the evening
at Lanikuhonua, Phase 2
Kapolei, Oahu, Hawaii

Dinner to follow
Roy's
Honolulu, Hawaii

mocha beans

That's what I was unsure about Dani; I wasn't sure if it should be in first person because we are issuing it or if third person language would still apply.  I'll change that.

danieliza1127

Yeah even coming from you two, it would be third person.  There are plenty other options besides just what I suggested, but at least do third person. 

Julz629

Also, I don't know if you were planning on doing it on the actual invite, but I don't think the random capitalizations are correct (i.e. Please Join Us As We & Begin Our Marriage Together).

squirrly

Dani's right.  The other way to word it would be:

Mocha Beans Last
and
FI Beans Last

request the pleasure of your company
at their wedding

Thursday, the twenty-third of September
two thousand ten
at five o'clock in the evening

Lanikuhonua, Phase 2
Kapolei, Oahu, Hawaii

Dinner to follow
Roy's
Honolulu, Hawaii