Are RD's required?

Gatorsgirl731

I don't even know where to start with this....
Ok things you need to know.
1. My mom and FI and I are paying for the majority of the wedding.
2. My mom wanted to throw a party before the wedding.  (Normal ppl would call it a RD)
3. My mom and step dad got divorced last year but still date when he isn't on match.com, he is a giant a** and only starts being nice to mom when she is about to get $$$$.  She just sold her house, and all of a sudden he wants to get back together.  This weekend I get a text that they put in an offer on a new house together...WTF?
4. FI hates stepdad.  Like I said he is a giant A**.  FI can see right through him, as can the rest of the family.  I put on my smile and go on with life,  she is my mom she is a grown up and I can't stop her.  FI will not fake it, so he just does not go around.
5.  I was married before.  After the "wedding" (a JP and two witnessess) my mom tried to save face and threw a party at my stepfathers restaurant, which is in a seperate state where I lived at the time.  Everyone kind of looked at it like a reception.  I had no hand in it what so ever.

Ok so here we are now,  FI and I are getting married at a local park.  It is very laid back extremely relaxed.  Neither he nor I are real "showy".  Most of the ppl coming will be from out of town.  My mother decided she wanted to throw a RD,  mind you everyone who is invited to the wedding that is in town the night before can come to the RD.  Last night she texted me that the RD was going to be at my step dads restaurant.  I for one am not comfortable with that.  I know for sure FI will NOT go, for many reasons. So now what?  I am so excited about my marraige, but I am dredding my wedding! 

HockeyFan4

if you are not doing a rehersal, you do not need to do a rehersal dinner.  If you have a rehersal, you need a dinner (but it can be laid back and simple:pizza, cookout, etc).  Inviting OOT guests to the rehersal dinner is nice but not mandatory.

meganb1977

Having a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are not mandatory as far as etiquette goes (I'm sure some venues/churches might want you to do a rehearsal).  However, if you do a rehearsal you should host the wedding party with their significant others afterwards but as pp mentioned it can be something simple like pizza.  Also as pp mentioned, inviting out of town guests is a nice gesture but not a breach of etiquette if you don't...we did not invite out of town guests as they were staying 30 minutes away from the restaurant where we had the dinner, they did not have transportation, and they had more entertainment and dining options within a block or two of their hotels.

In your case, I can understand both your mother's wish to have it at your stepfather's restaurant and your fiance's reluctance to attend.  Perhaps the simplest thing to do would be to forego doing a rehearsal, thank your mother for the offer and if she and your stepdad want to host a get together for some of their family and friends who are in from out of town that is fine but you and your fiance have other plans for the night before your wedding so it won't be a rehearsal dinner.  If the restaurant isn't close to where you are having your wedding anyway it sounds like it really wouldn't be practical.

Gatorsgirl731

The restaurant is 30 min and a toll bridge away from the wedding site.  PPl will be staying all over the place as far as lodging goes.  BP includeds FI, me, FFIL, my son, and MOH.  The party will be so much bigger than that.  I feel sick.  I know this is going to cause WWIII if I am totally upfront with her.Yes she is that kind of person.  She does not understand why FI and I don't jump up and down that her and stepdad are back together.  We are not because the are constantly breaking up, he is constantly calling her horrible names, me names, DS names.  He is an aweful person and as soon as she is left alone they get back together.   She is incappable of being alone, and always has to "show" everyone how well she has done.  ie the "dog and pony show".  I have two options 1. play her game, fake my way through a RD, make an excuse for FI, and get "my day". or 2. Say NO, and suffer her wrath.  Which includes being told I am a horrible mom, rotten kid, not talking to me for several months if ever, a ruined wedding day, but a happy home.  I wish I was being dramatic.

lyndausvi

RDs are only required if you have a rehearsal.

I completely understand why your mom wants a party the night before.  I had one myself.  I loved it.  I also why she wants to have the party there.  I assume she is getting a sweet deal.

I understand why your FI would not want to attend if he hates him so much.

Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation.   Decline the party and deal with the consequences with your mom.

willywally5

This sounds like a rotten situation. And you really only have two choices, as Lynda said. I guess you pick the lesser of the evils and go with that. 

If you choose to accept/attend your mom's party, I'd only stay a very short time and then bail. I'd also want FI to go with me, but whatever. I mean, you both hate this guy so at least you'd have each other to lean on during the assured unpleasantness.

If you decline and 'suffer her wrath', what REALLY will she do? Will she NOT come to the wedding? Will she just be unpleasant (which it souds like she is anyway, so what difference would it make)? Will she cancel the checks she's written for the wedding? Or is she just being a big, bluffing bully? 

Gatorsgirl731

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-rds-required?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16e024a-0046-412e-9452-2cfb71f79b7aPost:2f1ce83e-17f1-448e-8011-8d47cec3e66a">Re: Are RD's required?</a>:
[QUOTE]This sounds like a rotten situation. And you really only have two choices, as Lynda said. I guess you pick the lesser of the evils and go with that.  If you choose to accept/attend your mom's party, I'd only stay a very short time and then bail. I'd also want FI to go with me, but whatever. I mean, you both hate this guy so at least you'd have each other to lean on during the assured unpleasantness. If you decline and 'suffer her wrath', what REALLY will she do? Will she NOT come to the wedding? Will she just be unpleasant (which it souds like she is anyway, so what difference would it make)? Will she cancel the checks she's written for the wedding? Or is she just being a big, bluffing bully? 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

All of the above and what I said above.  Then add make up a few things about me and FI.  Turn FI into the bad guy and trash talk him till the end of time.  Once she threatened to try and take my child from me.  She would not be able to, there is no reason the state would allow it.....unless she could pay for it.  At some point MY father would step in.  For most ppl who really know her, it is easier to just go with what she wants.  But for me this is going a bit far.  I know she knows how we feel about step dad, I mean really how many of you could stand a man who calls your mom a "gold diggin wh***, or more importantly your child a little basatrd son of a b****.  For some reason she "forgets" all that when ever he turns the charm on.  They still have to pay for everything that is provided at the restaurant, it is a partnership and the partners agreeed that they don't eat for free.  It's a fine dining restaurant so the cheapest dish is 20 bucks.  I DO think that she prolly hasn't even thought about how uncomfortable i would be celebrating my wedding there, that is just her.  In the past I have just done it for her, but FI was not raised that way, and he can't just smile and nod.  That is who he is, and I can't and won't make him change who he is.  Ugh, I am heading to her condo in a few.  I am going to approach the RD from the angle of how uncomfortable I will be, and see if it can be held somewhere else.  She just sprung it on me in a text last night, so I haven't even brought it up to her yet.  But apparently my MOH's mom has known for a few days. *****MOH and I have known eachother since we were in diapers b/c our moms are BFF's.  Her mom is trying to help me out with my mom, but she is just as awwed as I am.  This really should be on Jerry.  There is so much more, that would help, but I am just touching on the high points.

banana468

Ditto Lynda.

It sucks but you may have to work the angle that you're not comfortable with the dinner there and hope to move on from that.

If she creates a scene or threatens, understand that they're EMPTY threats.   Unless she is holding something over your head about illegal activity or inability to care for your child, she's not going to take him away from you.   If she doesn't show up to your wedding over that, SHE is the one who is going to look poorly - not you.

And if she tries to guilt you, remind her that someone who loved you wouldn't use threats to get her way.

transcriber87

I had the same question about a month ago about RD's.  We didn't have one, but our circumstances were nothing like what you described

Gatorsgirl731

Update....
Went to her condo to get my boy.  Flat out told her that I was uncomfortable, her response was "Oh Rachel it will be in a different room and no one will care about that!"  To which I responded......get ready for it...."I WILL!"  I said it and I am so proud!  If we were a cartoon you would have seen her face getting red and smoke comming out her ears.  So I figured I went this far...and added "Etiquette requires a RD ONLY if I have a rehersal, I am sure FI, me, his BM, and my MOH can figure out walking accross a bridge, but if you want to have a (air quotes) party, then that will be fine, but we won't be able to make that".  It's a small win for me, but just one more step.

banana468

Good for you!

It sounds like she pushes to get what she wants because no one tells her no.   If she knows that you're serious about saying no I'm guessing that she'll come around eventually.

Gatorsgirl731

This "no" thing is pretty new for me, which is sad because I am 32.  But after 32 years I finaly figured out I have to start living MY life for me.  I have to do what makes me, FI, DS, and who ever else hopefully comes along.  FI and I spoke last night at this point we are going to suck it up when it comes to her relationship with steptdad, until after the wedding.  Neither of us want that day ruined.  We only have 26 days to go so it is do-able.  After that if she can not deal with how we feel, then I will cross that bridge.  When I picked DS up from her condo, there were a few things that seemed a little odd to me.  FI and I had told her we did not want DS around stepdad for now because it is too confusing for him.  Well, when we left we met FI at my FFIL and FMIL's house where a bunch of family was down.  When we headed hom DS rode in FI's car, on the way home he told FI that him and grandma left her condo late at night and went to stepdad's house then got up real early and came back to grandma's condo.  After FI told me this, it suddenly became clear why she had called me at 9:30 to tell me to take my time and enjoy my morning.  Yuck!