I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q

sweetcanadian1979

Ok i know that you can't kick out a bm or MOH which i would never dream of doing anyways, and that it is a friendship ending move.

What about when one drops out for no reason? Would that be a friendship ending move too? I mean if someone really had a good reason that's perfectly acceptable but what about if it is just because you had only your 2nd fight in the relationship & rather than deal with it one chooses to run away.

Basically i am asking what if the shoe is on the other foot, then what?

Edit*** JIC anyone was wondering the fight was seriously only because i asked if anything in this wedding was going to be about me & my fiance or was it always going to be about her needs. She has dictated everything from the start & i finally put my foot down. That's it, i was nice about it too. Just asked that one question & it turned into this huge thing.

kate2188

I have no background as to what led up to your question, but that does not sound like NBD to me to ask if anything about YOUR wedding was going to be about YOU. Was your BM insisting on wearing white? Did she want to walk down the aisle last? Did she want the first dance? This sounds like a pretty inflammatory question which might lead me to step down if I were a BM, too.

Remember again that we have no context of what caused  you to ask this question. This BM's only jobs were to buy the dress and to show up on time and sober on the big day. Is there any chance you were trying to get her to do more than that, then when she refused, asked that step-down-inducing question?

As far as if this is a "friendship-ending move" on her part, I think that's up to you. I think when a poster on here asks if she can demote or remove a BM or MOH and people tell them not to unless they are ready to end the friendship, this is a warning of what may happen, not a statement of what always happens. Whether or not this ends the friendship is up to you and your bridesmaid to explore as you heal any wounds from this situation, not for us to answer.

sweetcanadian1979

I tried to fix it already, i also asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted, i haven't gotten a response yet.

There are lots of things but the 2 biggest are that my fiance wanted an outdoor wedding, not an indoor wedding at all but she doesn't like bees & told us that if we wanted her in the wp we absolutely could not have an outdoor wedding. Well she was more important to me than venue but my fiance was pretty upset.

I am paying for hair because i want it styled (idc about which styles) & my hair dresser is going to do it for cheap, way way cheaper than anywhere else. My BF is very high maintenance as i am finding out & said that is not good enough for her, she wants a higher end salon (she liked my hair trial though, my hair dresser does a good job) so i felt like that was a slap in the face, basically saying who i choose is not good enough.

There is more that i would rather not get into but after the latest one where she told me my plans were not good enough for her & that she would make her own plans i had it, i kindly (honestly not one mean word came from me) told her that it upset me that nothing i ever did was good enough for my own wedding & that at some point it had to be about what my fiance & i want, we are considering our guests & bp in every step of the way ( i have only specified color & material for the dress, nothing else about their attire i care about, shoes, make up, accessories, hair, nothing at all, completely up to them) .

She then said she was going to step down so that we could have what we wanted & so that it wouldn't all be about her anymore (her words).

I have not asked for anything from them, i have only mentioned dresses once & have done everything on my own.

I am quite hurt that she would do this & no i don't think i will get over it because you shouldn't treat your bms bad but that goes both ways & they shouldn't treat you bad either. I told her i would expect this from other people but not from her, through everything she has been through i am the only one who has ever fully been there for her no questions asked any time day or night & we do not only talk about the wedding, we talk about everything all the time.

sweetcanadian1979

There were 5 aspects of the wedding that she was telling me how to do things in order for her to be comfortable, never mind us at all. So ya to me i felt after the last one i had the right to ask if any of it was going to be about us & what we want. I went out of my way to make her comfortable, but this last time was the straw that broke the camels back. If i kept letting her tell me how everything should go it wouldn't even be my wedding, it wasn't how we wanted it but i am a people pleaser.

kate2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:b6becf9b-587c-48d0-847f-4a3f3bfc46f6">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]I tried to fix it already, i also asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted, i haven't gotten a response yet. There are lots of things but the 2 biggest are that my fiance wanted an outdoor wedding, not an indoor wedding at all <strong>but she doesn't like bees & told us that if we wanted her in the wp we absolutely could not have an outdoor wedding.</strong> Well she was more important to me than venue but my fiance was pretty upset. I am paying for hair because i want it styled (idc about which styles) & my hair dresser is going to do it for cheap, way way cheaper than anywhere else. My BF is very high maintenance as i am finding out & <strong>said that is not good enough for her, she wants a higher end salon</strong> (she liked my hair trial though, my hair dresser does a good job) so i felt like that was a slap in the face, basically saying who i choose is not good enough. There is more that i would rather not get into but after the latest one where she told me my plans were not good enough for her & that she would make her own plans i had it, i kindly (honestly not one mean word came from me) told her that it upset me that nothing i ever did was good enough for my own wedding & that at some point it had to be about what my fiance & i want, we are considering our guests & bp in every step of the way ( i have only specified color & material for the dress, nothing else about their attire i care about, shoes, make up, accessories, hair, nothing at all, completely up to them) . She then said she was going to step down so that we could have what we wanted & so that it wouldn't all be about her anymore (her words). I have not asked for anything from them, i have only mentioned dresses once & have done everything on my own. <strong>I am quite hurt that she would do this & no i don't think i will get over it because you shouldn't treat your bms bad but that goes both ways & they shouldn't treat you bad either.</strong> I told her i would expect this from other people but not from her, through everything she has been through i am the only one who has ever fully been there for her no questions asked any time day or night & we do not only talk about the wedding, we talk about everything all the time.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1st bolded part- I'm so sorry she pulled that on you. That was very kind of you to try to accomodate her in your venue and completely unneccessary; I'm sad she didn't appreciate it.</div><div>
</div><div>2nd bolded part- Was she offering to pay for this higher end salon? Just like when a bride says she wants all of her girls to get her hair done and has to pay for it, when a BM says she has to get her hair done at XYZ fancy place, she better be ready to open her wallet to pay for it or shut her mouth about it!</div><div>
</div><div>3rd bolded part- I would be hurt, too, and I agree that this goes both ways. It sounds to me like it's for the best that she decided to step down. A BM isn't required to do much, but she is required not to place demands on how you run your wedding. I hope you take time to heal before you decide for sure if the friendship is or is not worth saving, though; before all this wedding craziness started, you must have had a reason to ask her to be in the wedding, right? I hope you can remember what those were and decide if this is worth repairing.

</div>

sweetcanadian1979

Yes kate before this she was the person i thought she could always count on. We have been friends for 15 years, which is why this hurts so bad, i expect more from her & she knows i would NEVER ever pull any of this.

I am realising now though that she is not the person i thought she was. I keep tk & my blog private from my real life people, i even tried to search for myself on google to see if tk came up & it didn't but today after she told me that, she sent the board that is my home board to one of my other maids whom she doesn't know.

I don't know what the purpose of that was, but i am offended that she would do that to me,  a friend who tries to backstab someone on purpose is not a friend. This bm is actually on here as i am close enough to mention it to her & have her join but my MOH did NOT know that but she DOES know i want it to stay private as my place to go without any real life people around. Not that i sit & b*tch about everyone, matter of fact i have never had a complaint about the bm but that's not the point.

I told her that if she chose to get her hair done there that she would have to pay for it as i have a perfectly fine hairdresser whom i am paying to do hair. She seemed ok with that.

We have only had 1 fight before & it was a small one 4 months ago, so i never knew how she acted before when someone put their foot down. I wasn't expecting her to go behind my back that's for sure.

The more i respond to questions the more i remember, so maybe this isn't such a good idea, i will just get more upset. I would rather not end the friendship but the way this has all happened i honestly don't know how i can get over it.

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:904f05e3-d87c-4ce6-8968-cdb6d60e3f6d">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]I would work on mending the friendship and leave the bridesmaid thing out of it for now. Your fight just seems to have escalated over relatively small petty things. So, she wants her own hairdresser, fine. Then, she pays for said hairdresser, problem solved. As far as your venue, I would have just told her that while you appreciate her concern, you and your FI's decision is final (unless she has a legitimate serious allergy to bees). If it's not a matter that concerns her, tell her your decision has been made and change the subject. She only had input if you let her. As far as details that don't pertain to her, don't discuss them with her. Your question was definitely inflammatory, as a PP noted, <strong>and I think you were trying to get a rise out of her.</strong> Apparently, it worked. Mend the friendship and see where it goes from there.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

Not at all & she knew that, not my style with her. I mean obviously i have done pretty good if we have never really had a fight or even arguement before. After she tells me 2 weeks from some something i planned a year ago because she ASKED me to that what i planned was not good enough for her & she would make her own plans seperate from us i just couldn't keep it up anymore. I bent over backwards for her.

kate2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:830cb73b-5fef-43e9-adf4-c68b50f56439">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes kate before this she was the person i thought she could always count on. We have been friends for 15 years, which is why this hurts so bad, i expect more from her & she knows i would NEVER ever pull any of this. I am realising now though that she is not the person i thought she was. I keep tk & my blog private from my real life people, i even tried to search for myself on google to see if tk came up & it didn't but today after she told me that, she sent the board that is my home board to one of my other maids whom she doesn't know. I don't know what the purpose of that was, but i am offended that she would do that to me,  a friend who tries to backstab someone on purpose is not a friend. This bm is actually on here as i am close enough to mention it to her & have her join but my MOH did NOT know that but she DOES know i want it to stay private as my place to go without any real life people around. Not that i sit & b*tch about everyone, matter of fact i have never had a complaint about the bm but that's not the point. I told her that if she chose to get her hair done there that she would have to pay for it as i have a perfectly fine hairdresser whom i am paying to do hair. She seemed ok with that. We have only had 1 fight before & it was a small one 4 months ago, so i never knew how she acted before when someone put their foot down. I wasn't expecting her to go behind my back that's for sure. The more i respond to questions the more i remember, so maybe this isn't such a good idea, i will just get more upset. <strong>I would rather not end the friendship but the way this has all happened i honestly don't know how i can get over it.</strong>
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]

<div>It's going to take time. Again I'll say that it sounds like it's for the best that she backed down, since it sounds like being involved in the wedding brought something very different out in her. My best advice would be to give it time and when something crummy that happened with her during the wedding planning process comes to mind, try to think of two good memories of your friendship. It's hard going through a major fight with a friend, but it's best not to say when it's fresh that it's something you may NEVER get over; just let yourself breathe and reflect and work out emotion.</div>

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:148bdb10-97f7-4bfb-8909-1aa16b1bd169">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]This girl sounds insane. This post is kind of funny (<strong>not ha-ha funny, but just odd) since so many people post about how their bridesmaids don't do enough </strong>- it sounds like yours wanted to plan your entire wedding but didn't want you to be a part of it. I would definitely be hurt if I were you. I think she was making some strange demands of you.  I hope you two can get past this. Perhaps her not being in the wedding will be a good thing? You guys might be able to focus on other aspects of your friendship that is not wedding related and just move forward. I feel terrible for you that she acted that way - it sounds ridiculous. Hoping you two can mend the friendship :)
Posted by cebrady89[/QUOTE]

You wouldn't believe how i got b*tched out for not having them help me more. I was putting baskets together for something, i had a friend over & said hey can you help me with this (5 baskets) & i had a bm go off on me for not phoning a member of the wedding party & ask them to come help me instead.

I said sorry but i was not going to make my friend that was there feel like they were worthless by asking a member of the bp to come help when my friend was already at my house. I thought it would be rude. I got a major tongue lashing.

My fiance thinks it will be a good thing, i kept it all to myself this whole time, but he could tell how upsetting it was every time something was not good enough for her.  i don't though because i never imagined my wedding without her by my side.

kmmssg

Any chance you can still arrange to have an outdoor wedding?  If she had been allergic to bees I would have changed venues in a heartbeat.  The fact that she just doesn't like bees would not have made me tell my FI sorry, but that outdoor wedding you wanted is out because Princess isn't feeling it.

AlmostMrsStrong

Oh honey, that really sucks. There maybe something deeper going on in her life and her lashing out is her (crazy) way of dealing with it. I agree with PP, this is going to take time to heal. If you feel like being the bigger person, call her and ask her what's going on in her life. If not, it may be best to let this one go. Some people can drastically change when they aren't getting their way.

Stackeye210

Give your friend some time and then try talking to her again.  I think while the question you asked was probably appropriate it probably sent her into a tail spin.  Her defense mechanism was to get mad and storm off like a baby.  Let it marinate for a bit and then go talk to her.  Someone like that will need time to pull themselves out of brat mode before they'll be receptive to any sort of criticism.  

Good Luck.  

KatePlusNate04

Has she always acted this way? It's odd that someone would act perfectly nice and normal and then all of a sudden go crazy. If this is a precedent for her, I would say that you should possibly question your friendship with her over the way she acts period, not just regarding the wedding.

If this behavior just developed since you got engaged, is there a reason? Is she jealous do you suppose? Is she in a happy relationship of her own? Not that there is an excuse, but I'd be curious as to what prompted her to act like this if she normally does not, and if this is the first time I saw this behavior, I'd be a lot more concerned about her and wanting to mend the friendship.

I agree with Stacks. Give it some time (if you do in fact want to still be friends). I would not change the venue for her unless she has a deadly allergy to bees. I would also tell her she can pay for her own hairdresser if she wants someone upscale. But give her some time to stew and then re-evalulate.

mica178

OP, did you edit some of your responses?  I distinctly remember that you said something about inviting a friend over, asking her to help with baskets, and being told that you should ask the WP to do that. 

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:4eef36e0-279c-4125-be95-8aadd6a09fb5">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q : You wouldn't believe how i got b*tched out for not having them help me more. I was putting baskets together for something, i had a friend over & said hey can you help me with this (5 baskets) & i had a bm go off on me for not phoning a member of the wedding party & ask them to come help me instead. I said sorry but i was not going to make my friend that was there feel like they were worthless by asking a member of the bp to come help when my friend was already at my house. I thought it would be rude. I got a major tongue lashing. My fiance thinks it will be a good thing, i kept it all to myself this whole time, but he could tell how upsetting it was every time something was not good enough for her.  i don't though because i never imagined my wedding without her by my side.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Right here Mica.  It's like halfway down I think.

</div>

angryangry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:19b1fbcb-dd0b-4375-8d45-cda2b8d53bbf">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, did you edit some of your responses?  I distinctly remember that you said something about inviting a friend over, asking her to help with baskets, and being told that you should ask the WP to do that. 
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

<div>It's still there. OP, try to take some space from the whole situation and think about it again later when everyone has cooled down.</div>

rebarobert2012

I think it really depends on whether or not you want to end the friendship.  If my MOH acted like that and then removed herself from my wedding party, I guess I would pretty much be ready to end the friendship.  I guess it just depends on how you feel and whether or not you still want to be friends with her.

Maggie0829

Um, you do realize that this is you and your FI wedding, not hers, right?  Because it seems like you are planning this wedding for your best friend and not for you and your FI. 

Honestly, I think you are better off that she isn't in the wedding any longer.  This doesn't mean that you two can no longer be friends and it may be better for your relationship that she is no longer a BM.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:b6becf9b-587c-48d0-847f-4a3f3bfc46f6">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]I tried to fix it already, i also asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted, i haven't gotten a response yet. There are lots of things but the 2 biggest are that <strong>my fiance wanted an outdoor wedding, not an indoor wedding at all but she doesn't like bees & told us that if we wanted her in the wp we absolutely could not have an outdoor wedding. Well she was more important to me than venue but my fiance was pretty upset.</strong> I am paying for hair because i want it styled (idc about which styles) & my hair dresser is going to do it for cheap, way way cheaper than anywhere else. My BF is very high maintenance as i am finding out & said that is not good enough for her, she wants a higher end salon (she liked my hair trial though, my hair dresser does a good job) so i felt like that was a slap in the face, basically saying who i choose is not good enough. There is more that i would rather not get into but after the latest one where she told me my plans were not good enough for her & that she would make her own plans i had it, i kindly (honestly not one mean word came from me) told her that it upset me that nothing i ever did was good enough for my own wedding & that at some point it had to be about what my fiance & i want, we are considering our guests & bp in every step of the way ( i have only specified color & material for the dress, nothing else about their attire i care about, shoes, make up, accessories, hair, nothing at all, completely up to them) . She then said she was going to step down so that we could have what we wanted & so that it wouldn't all be about her anymore (her words). I have not asked for anything from them, i have only mentioned dresses once & have done everything on my own. I am quite hurt that she would do this & no i don't think i will get over it because you shouldn't treat your bms bad but that goes both ways & they shouldn't treat you bad either. I told her i would expect this from other people but not from her, through everything she has been through i am the only one who has ever fully been there for her no questions asked any time day or night & we do not only talk about the wedding, we talk about everything all the time.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]

I haven't read through the entire thread so this might have been addressed but...
I would have stopped with her right here. Her venue choice would not have been considered over my FI's- unless she has some life threatening allergic reaction to bees. I would have gotten her some freakin netting to put around herself so the bees don't attack her. So does this girl never go outside?

KatoNorway

mbody- I agree. I just can't believe OP placed BM wishes in front of her own FI's. (If she was allergic- ok I get it, but she's not!) Sorry OP- FI should have come first.

oldfaithfull

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cant-kick-out-bm-moh-im-not-but-q?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b16f8252-bfae-4754-97d4-5a3b0c70e682Post:d41c5fb6-3ddc-4e6e-91ae-69fc9688e7dc">Re: I know you can't kick out a bm or MOH (i'm not) but have a q</a>:
[QUOTE]Has she always acted this way? It's odd that someone would act perfectly nice and normal and then all of a sudden go crazy. If this is a precedent for her, I would say that you should possibly question your friendship with her over the way she acts period, not just regarding the wedding. If this behavior just developed since you got engaged, is there a reason? Is she jealous do you suppose? Is she in a happy relationship of her own? Not that there is an excuse, but I'd be curious as to what prompted her to act like this if she normally does not, and if this is the first time I saw this behavior, I'd be a lot more concerned about her and wanting to mend the friendship. I agree with Stacks. Give it some time (if you do in fact want to still be friends). I would not change the venue for her unless she has a deadly allergy to bees. I would also tell her she can pay for her own hairdresser if she wants someone upscale. But give her some time to stew and then re-evalulate.
Posted by KatePlusNate04[/QUOTE]

This is why you can't believe everything you read...we are only getting one side of the story here.   I noticed when the ex MOH posted in the other forum the op quickly deleted the topic. That just didn't sit right with me .