Wedding Etiquette Forum

Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long

One of my bridesmaids works with me. She is actually a level below me, but we work very well together so it is not a problem. The wedding invitation that was sent to her was to her and her boyfriend. Well I guess he broke up with her. She has also been sick the past few weeks, so I did not exactly want be any sort of additional cause of stress. She asked if she could bring this other co-worker (call him A) that we work with as her date instead. I said sure. A is also at her level and I have a great working relationship with him. I did not invite A because if I did I felt obligated to invite the other 3 people at his level. One of which I really did not want to invite.

So A cannot make it. I heard from another co-worker that she then intended to invite the guy I really did not want to invite, call him R. R is also at her level. I do not have a good working relationship with him. In fact, this all may be solved when he reads my review of his performance and does not want to come. R also has a habit of needing to be the center of attention. In that, at other friends weddings he has choreographed and performed a dance for them (he is not that good of a dancer). As I said, I specifically did not invite a couple other people I work with, so I would not feel obligated to invite this guy. My FI met him once and also was not a fan. Since she is a bridesmaid, he would essentially be around the whole weekend, so Welcome party, rehearsal dinner, wedding.

Can I tell her he is off limits? I originally named her boyfriend on the invitation and agreed to this specific other person. So am I stuck then with whoever she wants to invite? I don't really want my intimate rehearsal dinner to include a guy I barely want to deal with at work.

Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long

  • If you say she can bring a guest, I don't think you can tell her who she can and cannot bring.
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  • MissKate2011MissKate2011 member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    Let her invite him.  You'll be so busy you probably won't spend too much time with him anyway and it will give her someone to talk too.

    Just casually mention that you hope he's not planning on choreographing a dance routing... which he probably won't since you're about to give him a bad work review - JK.

    I don't see how you can decline him if you already approved another guest who can't attend.


    Edit: I just want to say I was kidding about the choreography part ;)
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I'm torn with this one. I think a lot of it depends on whether or not she already invited him. Since you already let her substitute once, she might have assumed it's okay. If she already invited him and you tell her she can't bring him, you are putting her in an awkward position because she now has to uninvite him.

    Also, did you tell her that you really didn't want him there? I would think that if she knew that since the beginning that it's strange that she would want to bring him as her guest.
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  • edited May 2011
    If you told her she can bring a guest, I think it's her call.  Like you said, it's possible he might not want to come given your working relationship.  If you're worried about him wanting to perform, tell your DJ or bandleader that you do not want them to allow guests to do a solo dance, take the microphone, or otherwise perform unless you specifically approve. 
  • b0710b0710 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-say-anything-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b18a5ae9-7b35-4e10-809f-356e5a51e1a7Post:5a9f93b3-0f3e-4173-a7fc-4ae0e7998bd1">Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you told her she can bring a guest, I think it's her call.  Like you said, it's possible he might not want to come given your working relationship.  If you're worried about him wanting to perform, tell your DJ or bandleader that you do not want them to allow guests to do a solo dance, take the microphone, or otherwise perform unless you specifically approve. 
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.
  • I told my BM she can bring a date if she wishes but it can NOT be either of the two drug addicts that have been in PRISON that she dated, broke up with , ect..that stole from her. I FORBID IT..she can like it or hate it but there is no reason single people are required to have a +1, I just refuse to have known criminals and still current pill poppers at my wedding.
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
  • MRSBJSMRSBJS member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-say-anything-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b18a5ae9-7b35-4e10-809f-356e5a51e1a7Post:ae91d7ec-43e8-4f0c-83ef-7fde4da4f63d">Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I told my BM she can bring a date if she wishes but it can NOT be either of the two drug addicts that have been in PRISON that she dated, broke up with , ect..that stole from her. I FORBID IT..she can like it or hate it but there is no reason single people are required to have a +1, I just refuse to have known criminals and still current pill poppers at my wedding.
    Posted by ShakeUpTampa[/QUOTE]

    So what you're saying is....I shouldn't try to get my boyfriend/drug dealer out on a furlough so we can attend your wedding? lol  
  • Can I tell her she can only bring a date to the wedding? and not everything else? We have said that significant others are invited to the rehearsal dinner, but he is not that. Our wedding is out of town (live in LA, wedding in Vegas) so for Thursday night we are having an informal get together and then splitting off for bachelor and bachelorette parties. Is it ok to tell her, she can bring someone to the wedding Saturday but not Thur and Fri? FI would not be thrilled to have some guy he could not stand the one time he met him at his bachelor party.
  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-say-anything-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b18a5ae9-7b35-4e10-809f-356e5a51e1a7Post:cca05e53-3dd6-43ac-888d-75196508ef05">Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Can I tell her she can only bring a date to the wedding? and not everything else?</strong> We have said that significant others are invited to the rehearsal dinner, but he is not that. Our wedding is out of town (live in LA, wedding in Vegas) so for Thursday night we are having an informal get together and then splitting off for bachelor and bachelorette parties. Is it ok to tell her, she can bring someone to the wedding Saturday but not Thur and Fri? FI would not be thrilled to have some guy he could not stand the one time he met him at his bachelor party.
    Posted by theanglfac[/QUOTE]

    I would say normally I don't see a problem with the limitation on the RD and pre-parties, however; if he is coming with her to the wedding since it is OOT, then what will he do the entire time while everyone else is doing wedding festivities?

    I'm not really sure how I would handle this one so I am interested to see what other posters have to say......

     

  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Bachelor parties are always just for the good friends of the groom. There's absolutely no reason to invite him to that.

    Otherwise I think you're in a pretty gray area. If your friend hasn't yet invited him, I would speak with her about it. Obviously you're close, so I'd imagine she'd understand. If she has already invited him though, univiting him is likely more trouble than it's worth. Let him come to the rehearsal and the wedding -- you'll hardly notice he is there.
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-say-anything-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b18a5ae9-7b35-4e10-809f-356e5a51e1a7Post:cca05e53-3dd6-43ac-888d-75196508ef05">Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can I tell her she can only bring a date to the wedding? and not everything else? We have said that significant others are invited to the rehearsal dinner, but he is not that. Our wedding is out of town (live in LA, wedding in Vegas) so for Thursday night we are having an informal get together and then splitting off for bachelor and bachelorette parties. Is it ok to tell her, she can bring someone to the wedding Saturday but not Thur and Fri? <strong>FI would not be thrilled to have some guy he could not stand the one time he met him at his bachelor party.</strong>
    Posted by theanglfac[/QUOTE]

    I don't think you can get out of having him at the other rehearsal dinner or welcome party, but FI is not obligated to have him at the bachelor party.  He doesn't even know this dude.  Bachelor parties are for friends of the groom so I don't know why the guy would even expect to be invited to this.  As long as he knows that he'll have free time that night and will have to figure out something to do, he should be fine.
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that you do not want him there. I had to do this to my BM. I do NOT like her on again off again boyfriend. My fiance does NOT like him.  I felt extremely bad about doing it at first, but when it comes down to it... it is OUR wedding day, mine and my FI's. I don't want someone there who I am not comfortable with. I did tell my BM she was welcome to bring a guest, but he was not invited. Remember, its YOUR day.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-say-anything-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b18a5ae9-7b35-4e10-809f-356e5a51e1a7Post:77d6ca77-925a-4037-8639-6a496ff54603">Re: Can I Say Anything - A Bit Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that you do not want him there. I had to do this to my BM. I do NOT like her on again off again boyfriend. My fiance does NOT like him.  I felt extremely bad about doing it at first, but when it comes down to it... it is OUR wedding day, mine and my FI's. I don't want someone there who I am not comfortable with. I did tell my BM she was welcome to bring a guest, but he was not invited. Remember, its YOUR day.
    Posted by Jilly5487[/QUOTE]

    ew... this is so bad. how are you going to feel when your BM doesn't want you to bring your hubby to her wedding? are you going to be ok with it being HER day and denying you your significant other's company?
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  • MissKate2011MissKate2011 member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    The bachelor party is sticky.  If everyone but him is invited then I really think that proper etiquette would dictate that he also be included.

    Remember that etiquette is about polite behaviour and excluding one person isn't very polite.

    As long as he's not the only young male excluded from the festivities I don't see a problem with not inviting him but if he's the only one who isn't included that's really hurtful.
    BabyFetus Ticker
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