I'm actually transplanting this from the "Moms and Maids" board.... It seems like that board is a bit sleepy and, after getting some very passionate (and prompt) responses here to my previous post, I'm hoping to get some similar feedback to my dilema here, though it isn't necessarily "etiquette" related. I hope that's ok......
My FMIL is VERY close with her sister. As she explained it to me, FMIL's sister is the only family she has left (dad died when she was younger, as did the oldest sister, mom died about three years ago... She has other extended family, but her sis is the last of that nuclear family). I appreciate her closeness with her sis-- my family is much the same way in terms of how close we all are, but there are many more of us (for instance, Thanksgiving dinner is usually about 40 ppl). However, this closeness is starting to bother me, as she is making it an issue with many of our wedding plans.
It all started with the rehearsal dinner, for which FIL's are paying. I really want to have a very intimate dinner with just our wedding party, parents, and us. The wedding the next day will have about 200 guests, so I wanted to have that night before just be those closest to us. However, she insisted that her sister (and her DB second husband) be invited, though her sis has no role in the wedding (and therefore, in the rehearsal). To keep things fair, that means we are extending an invite to either all my aunts and uncles (+10-12 extra people) or our attendant's parents (+8 people). My only request for the RD was pushed aside to accommodate her wishes, since its her money. I'm getting over it.
There's been little things in the interim, but this latest incident is becoming the straw that might break the camel's back. I was discussing flowers with her (for which, yes, she's paying) and showed her the list of different arrangements we'll need. This included the list of corsages/boutonnieres, one for FI, one for each of his groomsmen, one for each of the parents and one for FI's grandmother. She got all flustered and asked why I wasn't giving the aunts and uncles flowers. I explained that I have just too many and it would be a snowball effect. Then she asked who my godparents are (I knew where she was going with this-- FI's godmother is his aunt) and I explained how, since I was born Jewish, I do not have godparents. She continued to be all a-twitter but never came right out and said she wanted her sis to have a flower, though I anticipated this issue and knew that her wish would be for her sister to be honored with a flower.
So, here's the deal-- I know it's her money. I also know that it's only $20 or so to give her sis a flower (by no means a bank-breaker). But, I am really having a problem with her constantly trying to elevate her sister's status in our wedding. I love her sister. She's a wonderful woman. But I also love my many aunts and uncles, both blood relatives and those many adults in my life I call "aunt" or "uncle" because of their special place in my life. I don't want to turn our wedding into a three-ring circus or the Oscars (you know, "There are so many people I'd like to thank...."). I believe that it is honoring these people enough to have invited them to our wedding. And I'm really starting to resent that she wants make her sister appear more important than all those people who are important to me.
So, what would you do? Give in and order the aunt a flower? Say something about my feelings? Not say anything since she didn't flat-out request a flower for her sis, though I know it's an issue? I'd really appreciate any advice you could offer. I'm really starting to become territorial and defensive about my family because she is making such an issue about her side of the family and their importance.