FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?

ravensbride49

I'm actually transplanting this from the "Moms and Maids" board.... It seems like that board is a bit sleepy and, after getting some very passionate (and prompt) responses here to my previous post, I'm hoping to get some similar feedback to my dilema here, though it isn't necessarily "etiquette" related. I hope that's ok......

My FMIL is VERY close with her sister. As she explained it to me, FMIL's sister is the only family she has left (dad died when she was younger, as did the oldest sister, mom died about three years ago... She has other extended family, but her sis is the last of that nuclear family). I appreciate her closeness with her sis-- my family is much the same way in terms of how close we all are, but there are many more of us (for instance, Thanksgiving dinner is usually about 40 ppl). However, this closeness is starting to bother me, as she is making it an issue with many of our wedding plans.

It all started with the rehearsal dinner, for which FIL's are paying. I really want to have a very intimate dinner with just our wedding party, parents, and us. The wedding the next day will have about 200 guests, so I wanted to have that night before just be those closest to us. However, she insisted that her sister (and her DB second husband) be invited, though her sis has no role in the wedding (and therefore, in the rehearsal). To keep things fair, that means we are extending an invite to either all my aunts and uncles (+10-12 extra people) or our attendant's parents (+8 people). My only request for the RD was pushed aside to accommodate her wishes, since its her money. I'm getting over it.

There's been little things in the interim, but this latest incident is becoming the straw that might break the camel's back. I was discussing flowers with her (for which, yes, she's paying) and showed her the list of different arrangements we'll need. This included the list of corsages/boutonnieres, one for FI, one for each of his groomsmen, one for each of the parents and one for FI's grandmother. She got all flustered and asked why I wasn't giving the aunts and uncles flowers. I explained that I have just too many and it would be a snowball effect. Then she asked who my godparents are (I knew where she was going with this-- FI's godmother is his aunt) and I explained how, since I was born Jewish, I do not have godparents. She continued to be all a-twitter but never came right out and said she wanted her sis to have a flower, though I anticipated this issue and knew that her wish would be for her sister to be honored with a flower.

So, here's the deal-- I know it's her money. I also know that it's only $20 or so to give her sis a flower (by no means a bank-breaker). But, I am really having a problem with her constantly trying to elevate her sister's status in our wedding. I love her sister. She's a wonderful woman. But I also love my many aunts and uncles, both blood relatives and those many adults in my life I call "aunt" or "uncle" because of their special place in my life. I don't want to turn our wedding into a three-ring circus or the Oscars (you know, "There are so many people I'd like to thank...."). I believe that it is honoring these people enough to have invited them to our wedding. And I'm really starting to resent that she wants make her sister appear more important than all those people who are important to me.

So, what would you do? Give in and order the aunt a flower? Say something about my feelings? Not say anything since she didn't flat-out request a flower for her sis, though I know it's an issue? I'd really appreciate any advice you could offer. I'm really starting to become territorial and defensive about my family because she is making such an issue about her side of the family and their importance.

ravensbride49

My FI is wonderful with all this... When his aunt came up on the guest list of the RD and I explained my feelings to him, he went to his mom... Unfortunately, he said something to the effect of "My FI wants a small RD for these reasons and therefore, doesn't want aunt included." As a result, once she approached me about the issue and explained her side, I acquiesed, especially since I didn't come across wonderfully. (FI and I have since talked about how to better approach future situations like this... As in, finding our stance as a unit and presenting it as such. "WE feel blah blah blah...." I was his first serious gf, so this is all very new to him. And her, I should add).

In regard to the flowers, I explained how I felt, again, and he said that his aunt did not need a flower and he understood why I felt this why and he completely agreed that, if no one on my side besides my parents were getting flowers, then his parents (and grandmother, who is the only grandparent who will be attending) should get flowers, too. However, I feel like he over-simplifies things (he's a guy-- he doesn't think the way a woman does), so I wanted to see what you ladies (key word, ladies) thought about the situation.

FI loves his aunt but also is very close with my family and doesn't really want any of the "pomp and circumstance" that his mom seems to want. He understands that there are many people in both our lives who are important and is on the same page with my view that inviting these people to our wedding is honor enough.

I may have misrepresented the problem here-- I'm not concerned necessarily about it being "even." I am very close with my family. VERY. I don't like to compare or compete between the two families, but for these purposes, I'd say that FI's relationship with his aunt is just as close as the one I have with all of my biological aunts and uncles, as well as several people who I call aunt/uncle because of their role in my life. It has never been about being "even" in the sense of tit-for-tat, if your aunt is involved, then I get to involve mine. It just bothers me that she feels that her sister is more important than those people who have been important in my life... Which may be petty, but I have been reacting ever-increasingly to FMIL's comments about her family, especially her sister, with internal frustration/hurt. I just am getting frustrated that she feels her sister should be honored above the people who, in my life, symbolize the same role FMIL's sister has played in FI's life.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:b0e1ed09-4976-4d8e-9cfb-423b477cf480">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it's a little presumptious to keep adding her sister in, but she's paying, and it's just a flower.  If she were insisting that her sister actually play a role in the wedding, then maybe I'd speak up, but this seems like a pretty harmless compromise.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This.  This is your future mother in law making a request.  She doesn't have parents, this is her last nuclear family member.  My MIL was in the same sort of position, so we elevated her best friend/cousin, who ended up dominating the wedding pictures in a way that my similarly related relatives did not.  That was okay because I"m not as close to my parents' cousins, and it meant a lot to my husband's mother.
<div>
</div></div>

tenofcups4me

I can see both sides of this. My mom has a sister, my aunt, who I'm very close with -- 2nd mother type of close. But when DH and I got married, we opted for a very intimate ceremony -- just us, parents, sisters and their families. I know my mom really wanted me to invite my aunt (and my uncle) and on one level, I really wanted to too because they are more special to me than my other aunts and uncles.

But I know my dad would have been really insulted if I invited mom's sister and not his siblings. And I didn't feel right inviting all my aunts and uncles and not DH's aunts and uncles -- I don't think he would have really cared, but to me, it would have felt like a slap in the face to his parents. So I do think "fairness" enters into it to a certain extent.

In my case, because I am very close with my aunt, I called her directly and explained the situation -- that much as I wanted to invite her, I felt I'd have to invite these other people too and if I did that and was inviting aunts and uncles I wasn't that close to, I would have wanted to invite some friends too, and then of course if I was inviting friends, I'd invite my cousins. And suddenly my 13 person wedding would be up to 150 people.

But back to your situation -- I'd probably be inclined to stick with the limits for the rehearsal dinner but give on the flowers if FMIL actually comes out and asks for them. But if she doesn't ask, I'd probably just ignore the hints.

DramaGeek

Ditto letting Fi deal with it, and ditto it not having to be "equal" across the board.  Hell, we invited my two OOT aunts and uncles but not the local set, and one of H's aunts/uncles came (out of 6) and they were all local. 

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:3207085a-b1cc-4d6d-935d-5c7d5bc217ad">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]I may have misrepresented the problem here-- I'm not concerned necessarily about it being "even." I am very close with my family. VERY. I don't like to compare or compete between the two families, but for these purposes, I'd say that FI's relationship with his aunt is just as close as the one I have with all of my biological aunts and uncles, as well as several people who I call aunt/uncle because of their role in my life. It has never been about being "even" in the sense of tit-for-tat, if your aunt is involved, then I get to involve mine. <strong>It just bothers me that she feels that her sister is more important than those people who have been important in my life... </strong>Which may be petty, but I have been reacting ever-increasingly to FMIL's comments about her family, especially her sister, with internal frustration/hurt. I just am getting frustrated that she feels her sister should be honored above the people who, in my life, symbolize the same role FMIL's sister has played in FI's life.
Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

No, I think the bolded line is the problem.  You seem to want to define what she (your FI's aunt) means in his family because you're close with your aunts.  Your FMIL feels very differently about her sister's role in the family.  I really think you're getting your feelings hurt over nothing - she's not saying your family is unimportant, or less important or whatever.  She's not trying to exclude your family - sounds like she's perfectly willing to pay to include them at the same level as her sister.  She just thinks including her sister is more important than you think it is to include your aunts and uncles.  On THAT level, it doesn't need to be even.  They don't need to be the same.  It's ok if she gets a flower and the others don't.  If your aunts ask, you can say, "Eh, she's his godmother & that's a big deal for their family," and that would be accurate. 

It really seems like you're the one trying to limit his aunt, not FMIL trying to elevate her sister ABOVE your aunts and uncles.  It's just really, really important to her to include her sister. 

But, I also get the feeling you've drawn your battle lines and are looking more for validation that it's ok to squash the aunt's involvement than anything else.  If FMIL was asking for her to do a reading, to be ushered in as a guest of honor, to be announced/part of the entrance to the reception I would definitely say it's ok to say no to those things.  But attending the RD and getting a flower are NBD at all, in my view. 

It's great that your FI is trying to be supportive, though. 

PsyDet 2155

I would probably just let her get a flower to avoid any conflict.  She will be your mother-in-law and it probably won't do much good to make her upset, especially if she's paying for the flowers.

jeanna85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:3207085a-b1cc-4d6d-935d-5c7d5bc217ad">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI is wonderful with all this... When his aunt came up on the guest list of the RD and I explained my feelings to him, he went to his mom... Unfortunately, he said something to the effect of "My FI wants a small RD for these reasons and therefore, doesn't want aunt included." As a result, once she approached me about the issue and explained her side, I acquiesed, especially since I didn't come across wonderfully. (FI and I have since talked about how to better approach future situations like this... As in, finding our stance as a unit and presenting it as such. "WE feel blah blah blah...." I was his first serious gf, so this is all very new to him. And her, I should add). In regard to the flowers, I explained how I felt, again, and he said that his aunt did not need a flower and he understood why I felt this why and he completely agreed that, if no one on my side besides my parents were getting flowers, then his parents (and grandmother, who is the only grandparent who will be attending) should get flowers, too. However, I feel like he over-simplifies things (he's a guy-- he doesn't think the way a woman does), so I wanted to see what you ladies (key word, ladies) thought about the situation. <strong>FI loves his aunt but also is very close with my family and doesn't really want any of the "pomp and circumstance" that his mom seems to want.</strong> He understands that there are many people in both our lives who are important and is on the same page with my view that inviting these people to our wedding is honor enough. I may have misrepresented the problem here-- I'm not concerned necessarily about it being "even." I am very close with my family. VERY. I don't like to compare or compete between the two families, but for these purposes, I'd say that FI's relationship with his aunt is just as close as the one I have with all of my biological aunts and uncles, as well as several people who I call aunt/uncle because of their role in my life. It has never been about being "even" in the sense of tit-for-tat, if your aunt is involved, then I get to involve mine. It just bothers me that she feels that her sister is more important than those people who have been important in my life... Which may be petty, but I have been reacting ever-increasingly to FMIL's comments about her family, especially her sister, with internal frustration/hurt. I just am getting frustrated that she feels her sister should be honored above the people who, in my life, symbolize the same role FMIL's sister has played in FI's life.
Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

"pomp and circumstance"? its dinner and a flower- that you dont even have to pay for. NBD. If you think it's a problem, decline FMIL's offer to pay for the flowers and RD and pay for it all yourself.

sb9411

I'd say let her make any choices she wants to regarding her sister. Let her give her flowers, invite her to the Rehearsal dinner. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to do the same. If you have more extended family, it doesn't necessarily have to be even. You can thank your aunts and uncles for being there to share your day. Let her bring her sister along and do whatever she wants. The day of (and the day before) it won't make much of a difference to you.

mypalbabs

You're the one imagining a giant snowball effect.  Obviously, the aunt is a very special person to your FMIL.  So if she wants to buy her a corsage, let her.  You do not need to buy everyone who is also an aunt or uncle a flower, or invite them to the rehearsal dinner.

If I read that giant wall of text correctly, her husband passed away, correct?  Think of the aunt as the stand-in future father-in-law for the day.  And even if the actual father in law is still alive, for the sake of all that is holy, let it go.

Why keep fighting this battle at every step of the way?  Unless she wants the woman to join you in your marital bed, just let it go.

Dramatic people do dramatic things.  Stop being dramatic.

ravensbride49

FFIL is not dead-- he's paying for this, along with FMIL (thus, FIL's are paying) and, might I mention, he has a sister who is not being included in any way with any of these plans. In addition to FI, they also have a daughter in college, so I don't really understand how this is the "only family she has left," as she put it before (but that is neither here nor there).

I'm not trying to cause drama... That is why I put my own wishes about the RD aside when FMIL approached me after FI talked to her. I haven't given any indication that the related minor incidents have bothered me, nor have I said anything to her about the flowers (I basically pretended I didn't know where she was going with her line of questioning because I wanted to talk w/ FI first). I have drawn no "battle lines" and am not looking for validation. I'm seeking advice about what you ladies would do, since this is a problem for me (not because I want to squash the special place his aunt has in his life or limit her role in our wedding, but because it is not possible for me to honor all the people in my life who have played that same role) and because I think my FI over-simplifies the issue. I'm trying to be sensitive to FMIL's wishes in regard to her sister, not bulldoze over it.

I realize that it's not a huge deal to give her a flower. My concern (and the reason it bothers me) is that it's not just the flower. It's the dinner. And the comments. And the flower. And... what next? Does she get to be a part of the processional with the parents? Listed in the program? Where does it end? Like I've said, I love FI's aunt. I love FMIL. They are both wonderful women who are very dear to me and I don't want to hurt/upset either of them. But, neither do I want to diminish the role others have played in my life by honoring her above them. I feel like that would hurt others and I don't want that, either. So, I'm wondering where I draw the line (and how to do it) by asking what you ladies would do in the same situation.

Rosie109

I think the bottom line is as of right now, the two examples you have given, are not completely crazy. If your FMIL includes her sister in other things that you view as going over the line then your FI needs to say something. It is very difficult to balance getting your views across when you are not the one paying for it. Above all you need to keep your eyes on the prize. 

What I would do if I were in your situation is to let these two things go. 

Rosie109

I will be honest though, I have a feeling a couple other people are going to post their opinions echoing other PP and you are going then going to post a wall of text in which you give more and more excuses as to why FMIL's sister should not be included in the ways that FMIL wants her to be. I don't think you are searching for advice at all, I believe you are completely searching for validation. 

ravensbride49

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:15396aaa-6045-4e6f-9239-3b568b7a3815">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be honest though, I have a feeling a couple other people are going to post their opinions echoing other PP and you are going then going to post a wall of text in which you give more and more excuses as to why FMIL's sister should not be included in the ways that FMIL wants her to be. I don't think you are searching for advice at all, I believe you are completely searching for validation. 
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]
Not at all... Considering all the feedback, I am definitely leaning toward letting it go or possibly even being pro-active and offering to add the flower to the list. I don't need people to blow smoke up my butt-- I am genuinely asking for advice. If I wanted validation for my POV, I wouldn't have posted here, I simply would have taken my FI's word as the end of it (that I was "right," that it is unfair, and that his aunt doesn't need a flower).

People made some faulty assumptions, so I corrected them. That was the purpose of my latest "wall" of text.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:4262717f-1e91-4b1d-a849-eb9c5a53036b">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]FFIL is not dead-- he's paying for this, along with FMIL (thus, FIL's are paying) and, might I mention, he has a sister who is not being included in any way with any of these plans. In addition to FI, they also have a daughter in college, so I don't really understand how this is the "only family she has left," as she put it before (but that is neither here nor there). I'm not trying to cause drama... That is why I put my own wishes about the RD aside when FMIL approached me after FI talked to her. I haven't given any indication that the related minor incidents have bothered me, nor have I said anything to her about the flowers (I basically pretended I didn't know where she was going with her line of questioning because I wanted to talk w/ FI first). I have drawn no "battle lines" and am not looking for validation. I'm seeking advice about what you ladies would do, since this is a problem for me (not because I want to squash the special place his aunt has in his life or limit her role in our wedding, but<strong> because it is not possible for me to honor all the people in my life who have played that same role</strong>) and because I think my FI over-simplifies the issue. I'm trying to be sensitive to FMIL's wishes in regard to her sister, not bulldoze over it. I realize that it's not a huge deal to give her a flower. My concern (and the reason it bothers me) is that it's not just the flower. It's the dinner. And the comments. And the flower. And... what next? Does she get to be a part of the processional with the parents? Listed in the program? Where does it end? Like I've said, I love FI's aunt. I love FMIL. They are both wonderful women who are very dear to me and I don't want to hurt/upset either of them. But, neither do I want to diminish the role others have played in my life by honoring her above them. I feel like that would hurt others and I don't want that, either. So, I'm wondering where I draw the line (and how to do it) by asking what you ladies would do in the same situation.
Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

You have no idea if they've played the same role because you haven't lived your FMIL's life or your FI's.  STOP SAYING IT'S THE SAME BECAUSE THE NAME OF THE BRANCH ON THE FAMILY TREE IS THE SAME.  Seriously.  That doesn't make it "the same".  I get that you're hurt.  I'm trying to point out that there's no REASON to be hurt.  She's NOT diminishing your relationship with your relatives in any way whatsoever.  She's just asking to honor a relationship in THEIR family that is special.  You can give your aunts and uncles flowers if you want.  Or nothing.  Or buy them all a unicorn.  Whatever.  But don't feel like your family and his family have to be treated exactly the same way - life just isn't like that.

And, you ARE diminishing her role as godmother, because you don't have godparents.

As for what to do if she asks for a bigger active role in your wedding, please re-read my advice above, because I already gave you that.  I'd say no.

Sorry, but I'm not validating what you want.  My advice is as it stands - give in on the flower and the dinner, unhurt your feelings, and go have a glass of wine.  Take a deep breath.  Calm.  This REALLY isn't something to get worked up over.  I promise. 

cm42878

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:3207085a-b1cc-4d6d-935d-5c7d5bc217ad">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]
<strong>
he said something to the effect of "My FI wants a small RD for these reasons and therefore, doesn't want aunt included."</strong>]
<strong>
 inviting these people to our wedding is honor enough.</strong>



<strong>It just bothers me that she feels that her sister is more important than those people who have been important in my life...</strong> <strong>Which may be petty</strong>, Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]

I am wondering if maybe he stated it the way he really wanted to, that it is you who is making the big fuss out of this. i have an aunt I am very close with and considered giving her a boutinere, but I was afraid it might upset my mom and not honor her in the way she should be honored. However if FMIL want to PAY for the flowers and has no worries and wants aunt to have a flower I agree NBD. ITs a stinking flower!!! And listen to squirlly, I dont post here often because they normally give much better advice than I do, but she gives great advice!! But it really does not have to be even, and you can honor all of the special people.
 
I am not sure where to even begin about the second line, but I find it funny that people should be Honored to be invited to your wedding. I find it an honor that people will take time, money, a day off whatever to attend our wedding. I am not princess Diana they are not attending the wedding of the century!!

I dont see it that FMIL thinks aunt is more important than anyone in your life, she asked about special people in your life as well. And she offered to pay for flowers for these special people as well. SO if in fact you wanted to honor these special people you could. Stop being dramatic and either pay for it yourself or let her have the damn flower and RD invite!!

ravensbride49

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:d41bf561-e9b1-478a-b919-ba973fa2b567">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD? :<strong> I am wondering if maybe he stated it the way he really wanted to, that it is you who is making the big fuss out of this</strong>. <font color="#ff0000">Nope. I actually purposefully asked him his opinion on the matter before voicing minie so that he wouldn't just acquiese to my wishes, to the detriment of his own. And I asked him again after he told me how he had worded it to his mom. He just isn't used to being a social unit with anyone or having to present himself as such to his mom. </font>i have an aunt I am very close with and considered giving her a boutinere, but I was afraid it might upset my mom and not honor her in the way she should be honored. However if FMIL want to PAY for the flowers and has no worries and wants aunt to have a flower I agree NBD. ITs a stinking flower!!! And listen to squirlly, I dont post here often because they normally give much better advice than I do, but she gives great advice!! But it really does not have to be even, and you can honor all of the special people.   I am not sure where to even begin about the second line, but I find it funny that people should be Honored to be invited to your wedding. <strong>I find it an honor that people will take time, money, a day off whatever to attend our wedding. I am not princess Diana they are not attending the wedding of the century!!</strong> <font color="#ff0000">If they didn't mean anything to us, we wouldn't invite them. We are honoring them in that we want to share our special day with them, not that we are deeming to allow them to come to our wedding. </font> I dont see it that FMIL thinks aunt is more important than anyone in your life, <strong>she asked about special people in your life as well</strong>. <font color="#ff0000">She didn't. She never offered to invite the others to the RD and didn't offer to pay for their flowers. FI and I were the ones to say that, if aunt was invited, then we had to invite others. But that's not really important in this discussion, just thought I'd mention it. </font>And she offered to pay for flowers for these special people as well. SO if in fact you wanted to honor these special people you could. <strong>Stop being dramatic </strong><font color="#ff0000">I don't know where you are getting "dramatic" from... I can be dramatic. I'll give you dramatic if you're itching to slap someone out of a dramatic funk, but this is not dramatic. This is asking for advice. Nicely. Patiently. Without whining or arguing. In order to make sure no one gets hurt. Because I LOVE all the people involved. No "woe is me!" "my FMIL is a witch." Not even a "my life is oooooooover!" or a "she's ruuuuuuuining MYYYYYY wedding!" (disappointing, I know). And, again, if you'd bother to read, you'd see that I even said I was going to take the advice of those who offered it. So, if you're looking for drama, perhaps you should look within because it seems that the only one bringing the drama is you and those like you who are determined to find fault with everybody else, regardless of reality. Curtain call.... </font>and either pay for it yourself or let her have the damn flower and RD invite!!
Posted by cm42878[/QUOTE]

cm42878

OP- You are so right, I should have known that I could never understand the complexity of your situation!! Maybe because you are posting on an internet forum where there is no way that people can know 100% the full twist and turns of your family and situation. However you are coming on here to ask for peoples opinions, we can only give the opinions bases on your information. To me posting about a flower and a seat at a dinner they are paying for is being dramatic!!  And being superfrustrated or hurt when FMIL says about her family because of this situation deffiantly makes you dramatic.

Also maybe you should take your own advice and read closer before telling someone who is 13 weeks prego to get a glass of wine!!

And now I see why the long time posters on this board get frustrated!!! Why do people ask someones opinion and then get pissed off when its not what they want to hear?

polichik

Dude, ravensbride, it takes a lot for me to write somebody off, but your amount of defensiveness is honestly shocking. People don't just make sh*t up in response to posters. Posters responded to your OP, and not a single one of your 1290 "clarifications" changed the opinions on the matter. Do you really not understand that the advice you're being given is thoughtful, valid, and something to think about?

I"ve had plenty of my opinions and decisions ripped into, and it was always because I was being an ass and just couldn't see it. Each time, I took the advice that was given to me, stopped trying to "clarify" and justify everything that I said so that people would take my side, listened to the other posters, and was better off for it.

And please, please don't C&P what I just said and write another novel telling me how I don't understand you. If you really feel that people don't understand your point, you might want to take a break, regroup, then think about it some more. Because this is just getting absurd.

Oh, and although I can't speak for CM, I'm fairly certain that she was being empathic, not sarcastic. You might be better served by not assuming that everyone's being mean to you.

ravensbride49

For the love of all that is holy, I SAID I was taking everyone's advice, I stopped trying to clarify, and all I am asking is that people STOP continuing to harp on the point, since I have already stated numerous times that I am heeding the advice I received on this board.

Can you really blame me for being defensive when I am doing EXACTLY what people are asking of me and yet continue to be criticized for not listening to people? I don't really know how many more ways I can say "I'm taking your advice" than I already have. Is there some kind of penance I'm supposed to perform before everyone gets the heck off my back?

smokeybailey

You should really take eveyone's advice.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-her-sister-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2cdf92e-b5fd-49ff-badf-ecd758629222Post:b55d3fb2-b6ef-4bb4-ad2c-fe4d3a616660">Re: FMIL and her Sister... WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should really take eveyone's advice.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

This just made me spit pop out of my mouth I laughed so hard.

squirrly

Ravensbride,

We get it.  You're listening now.  However, it's a message board, and people will find the post late and want to add their two cents.  Sometimes they'll read the other responses, sometimes they won't.

Also, just so you're aware, up until your latest post, your responses were coming across as VERY defensive and really not as though you were open to the advice you were getting.  That's why people kept pushing.  I think it's highly likely that some of your more neutral/open thoughts on the matter didn't make it through the keyboard to the screen for us to read. 

It's NBD.  Best of luck.

And Smokey, thanks.  I'm laughing my butt off at you.