FMIL question - longish

mmdpm

Ok here goes.  Just got off the phone with FMIL, who is, excuse my colloquialism, loaded for bear.  She just found out that I am keeping my maiden name. 

I always thought I would eventually take FI's name but, things have changed since I became a doctor.  I have licensure to deal with, DEA registration and some papers that I have authored.  She told me that I was an uber witch and that I didn't deserve son.  Seriously lady?  If he's okay with it why does it matter?

So any advice on how to defuse this situation, which is just another in a long line of FMIL craziness. 

laurenclaire1386

Ok, normally, I'm not one to condone tattling, but I'd tell FI. And let him deal with his mother. And by deal with his mother, I mean he would need to tell her that your name is none of her fucking business, not to ever talk to you like that, and to get out of 195fucking3.

tenofcups4me

You do nothing, but I'd ask your FH to have a talk with her -- basically saying that you have decided to keep your name, he supports you completely, and it's not up for discussion. Oh... and he should totally read her the riot act for talking that way to you.

Beyond that, if she brings it up again, tell her you're both happy with your decision and there's nothing to discuss. Then change the topic or walk away.

sarah0725

Interestingly, this is the first time I have ever heard the phrase "loaded for bear."

I think your FI should be handling his mom from now on. If she is going to call you up and say nasty things to you, then she doesn't get to talk to you on the phone. Since it's his mom, he should be absorbing the brunt of any grief she wants to give the two of you.

britne28

Wow, she needs to get up to speed with the modern times.  Don't let her pressure you, it's your identity.  If your FI is ok with it then stick to your guns.  If he is ok with it he should tell her to back off and let you both be.  He should also let her know that it is not ok to call you names or say you don't deserve him.  Aside from it's our right to decide our names you have very valid reasons over and above that to keep your name. 

sarah0725

Yet again, evidence that everybody on this message board shares a collective brain. :P

ohwhynot

There's nothing you can do but ignore and prepare yourself mentally to receiving cards, letters, etc. addressed to Mmdpm Husband-last-name.

My own mother still writes to me with my ex's last name even though 1. I never did take his last name, and 2.  we are now divorced.  

It sucks, but it's one of those things that you may as well just give up on trying to make her see reason.  It'll never happen.  And woe unto ye if you ever have kids and have them take your last name - I swear the sky will cave in. 

SwedishChick2011

I don't know if there's really anything you can do.  She's probably really traditional and/or is somehow embarrassed that you won't take her son's name.  Honestly, if your FI is okay with it, just let him handle his mom.  Hopefully he can talk some sense into her.  Congratulations on becoming a doctor! 

EmmaBride2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-question-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2d1bf56-a148-461a-b068-8b5a8dd263b5Post:73529f0c-48e8-4616-8441-9ef260e1bb2d">FMIL question - longish</a>:
[QUOTE]She told me that I was an uber witch and that I didn't deserve son.
Posted by mmdpm[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, back away slowly, and let your FI deal with her. What a nut! </div><div>
</div><div>It's none of her business in the first place, plus, you have a very good reason for keeping your name. If my career was more established, I probably would have kept my name also.</div>

christhj

First, congratulation, you have accomplished a great deal and there is nothing wrong with wanting to still be recognizable as that person.

It is crazy of her, mostly because it is none of her business. As long as your future husband is comfortable with it that is what matters.


Just know you are not in the "My FMIL is CRAZY" boat alone! 

mmdpm

See I really don't care if privately I get called his last name, it's just profesionally since that's the name I am known under to the government, insurance companies, patients, etc.

FI knows too since apparently after she got done ripping me a new one she called him.  He told her he already knew and was comfortable with it.  As for kids, they'll be his last name.

Arrgh, thanks knotties for making me feel better. 

georgia_bride09

I'd tell her to kiss my grits if I were in your situation.

laurenclaire1386

Oh and ditto OhWhyNot. My mom didn't change her name to my dad's last name. My grandmother, my mother's very own mother, refuses to acknowledge this and goes so far as to give my mom engraved stuff with the wrong last name on it. She once wrote my mom a check with the wrong last name and my mom couldn't cash it because duh, it wasn't made out correctly. People get stubborn when you keep your maiden name.

britne28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-question-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2d1bf56-a148-461a-b068-8b5a8dd263b5Post:8d25e219-569e-4ec5-b513-14c525beeede">Re: FMIL question - longish</a>:
[QUOTE] My own mother still writes to me with my ex's last name even though 1. I never did take his last name, and 2.  we are now divorced.   Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Wow, that would drive me round the bend if my mother did that. 

mmdpm

FI said that we were all going to have to have "a comin' to Jesus" and he would "tell her how the cow ate the cabbage." 

He's full of these little tidbits, one of the reasons I love him.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-question-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2d1bf56-a148-461a-b068-8b5a8dd263b5Post:e055f163-c318-4df1-9e25-c904420177db">Re: FMIL question - longish</a>:
[QUOTE]See I really don't care if privately I get called his last name, it's just profesionally since that's the name I am known under to the government, insurance companies, patients, etc. FI knows too since apparently after she got done ripping me a new one she called him.  He told her he already knew and was comfortable with it.  As for kids, they'll be his last name. Arrgh, thanks knotties for making me feel better. 
Posted by mmdpm[/QUOTE]

Just out of curiosity, have you told her this?  That socially you'll be Mrs. FI Last, but professionally you'll be Dr. mmdpm Last?  Maybe that would ease things for her.

In any case, I'd tell your FI he needs to deal with his mother.  Then, I'd (try) to forget the conversation happened, and have selective hearing if it comes up again with her. 

tenofcups4me

Laurenclaire, not everyone gets that way when you keep your last name. My family and inlaws have been wonderful about respecting that I didn't change my name. My friends are great about it; Dh's less so -- I'm still amazed how many of them assume I changed my name when they're all extremely liberal and like to fancy themselves progressive. At least most of them remember once they've been informed, but there are a handful who seem to keep "forgetting."

ohwhynot, I can't believe your mother is so disrespectful. I can't imagine tolerating that from my own mother, but then honestly, I also can't imagine my mother acting like that.

mmdpm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-question-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b2d1bf56-a148-461a-b068-8b5a8dd263b5Post:0c82f9a2-a070-468b-a1d5-4c043ab6cde1">Re: FMIL question - longish</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL question - longish : Just out of curiosity, have you told her this?  That socially you'll be Mrs. FI Last, but professionally you'll be Dr. mmdpm Last?  Maybe that would ease things for her. In any case, I'd tell your FI he needs to deal with his mother.  Then, I'd (try) to forget the conversation happened, and have selective hearing if it comes up again with her. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

She knows this but still thinks it's wrong, I shoud be his last name.  But oh well, at least FI and the knot are on my side.

ohwhynot

Well, my mom is 82 and she doesn't really mean disrespect - at this point, I think she honestly believes that of course I MUST have changed my name.  Or at least that's what I tell myself - it's one of those things that is honestly not worth having even 2 seconds of angst over.  

I suspect that, back when we were married, she knew darn well that I had kept my name but wanted to get in her 2 cents worth by refusing to acknowledge it.  Again, not worth a fight to me. 

laurenclaire1386

Well, no, not everyone does. Conversely, my other granmother (dad's mom) has never had a hard time swallowing the fact that her DIL didn't take her son's last name.

JessAndTrav

Everything state above.

zippityb

She should just be happy to have a doctor in the family. In your field, your name can be considered a commodity. It's like an actress who gets married and chooses to keep her last name because that is how everyone knows her.

nona49

i think this is fairly common in the medical and legal professions.  I plan to be dr.my-lastname professionally and mrs.his-lastname socially.  our kids will have his last name.  he fully supports this---but he too is an MD.  I wanted it this way, not only because of licensure and what not, but for other patient and practice related issues.  If his family has an issue with this, oh well.

petdoc2010

Congrats!  I'm about to graduate veterinary school myself and am getting married two weeks later.

I knew this would be a problem for me, but I worked with a vet over the summer that had the same issue.  She didn't hyphenate her name, instead she just added her husbands name on and her maiden name became her middle name.  So, professionally she is Dr. E (maiden name) and personally she is Deborah 'Husband's Name'.  Seems odd, but it works for her and I think I'll probably end up doing the same thing.  It's nearly impossible to change your name for all those licenses and, frankly, I don't care.  Maybe one day I will when I have the patience and time for it, I will. LOL

OH and btw, the whole "your MIL should be happy that a doctor is joining the family" thing doesn't apply to me either.  My FMIL still doesn't like me.  Oh well...

PDXMartha

I know it's complicated, but there are ways to use both names.  A colleague of mine, since she has done research in her maiden name, kept her maiden name for professional use.  For personal life, she took her husband's name.
I don't know the deails for how it works, or how to make it happens (I have a few suspicious, but don't know for sure), but she does it.
Either way, do what you want.

perlaperla

omg! of course you need to keep your maiden name with your circumstances! she is not being understanding of the hard work you have put in to make a name for yourself.  if this really is one of many arguments to come, i would let my FI try to diffuse the situation and if she still cannot stand it, then tough cookies! that's her problem. you will have a thousand things to stress over during your wedding planning alone, plus being is a doctor is no stroll in the park. don't let her get to you and keep truckin!

PDXMartha

oh yea, all the people who mentioned fiance gets to deal with his mother, if she's causing issues - I 100% agree.  You're marrying him, not her.  My fiance usually diffuses for us.  It really prevents drama.

Mique23

Sounds like she does need a come to jesus meeting!!! Your career is established. Is she someone that didnt have a career? Maybe she just doesnt get it.

rlyttle

Personally I would take his name, but also keep your name as well. I have a friend who did this. She still goes by her maiden name, but legally she has 4 names. It's not hyphenated either. This is just easier when you have children. (kinda like celebrities do) I wouldn't tell your FMIL though. I would tell her that your not taking his name at all, just out of spite!! I also have a difficult mother in law. I've found the best way to deal with her is to just put my foot down and go on. GOOD LUCK!!

hillaryeggert

First, I would have absolutely blown a gasket if my MIL did that to me.  But you did mention that you assumed you'd change your last name to his until recently, so is it possible FMIL thought that was your plan and was surprised to learn differently?  It wouldn't excuse how horribly rude she was, but sometimes it helps if you can find something tangible in an otherwise outlandish situation.  I do that with my family and in-laws all the time.

I completely understand about the hassle of DEA/license numbers, etc.  I'm a midlevel provider and if I hadn't gotten married right after graduating, I doubt I would have gone through the hassle.  Good luck!

mmccr

Girl you might as well be prepare for many run ins with FMIL because  I had a similar situations with mine especially with "not being good enough". I was thinking the same thing about you hyphen your last name. I have a business too so my name has a dash behind it too, but still people are going to call you your husband last name I say just answer to it but tell them Oh I go by Mrs Smith. And your FH might say something to his mother but don't count on winning to many of those arguments.