Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Mom's driving me MAD (a little long)

I'm trying to get together our guest list. The majority of my guests will be from New Orleans, so I'm trying to get it hammered out early. My mother wrote out her list of people she thinks I should invite. I questioned her on 4 names.
1.) HER friend that I haven't spoken to in years and always makes a scene anywhere she goes. Really not someone to have around when you want things running smoothly.
2 &3.) Two of HER first cousins that I've never met (she says I met them when I was really little - though that hardly counts!). The reason they rub me the wrong way is they've never been bothered to contact us in any way in my memory AND they didn't show up to my Grandfather's funeral (the funeral home was less than 10 miles from their own home!) or even send a sympathy card! 
4.) My father's aunt/uncle. I'll try to condense the story there: he married and had a child then decided to become a woman and they split. Kept in touch with his/her kid though never a thought for my father (though they ended up being raised in the same house like brothers) and has never contacted us in any way my entire life. 
She insists I am obligated to invite these people that mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING  to me when I'm cutting my own friends to accommodate our large family. 
I hate to have this attitude but it's not her wedding, it's mine, and I want to be surrounded by people that my FI and I love and that love my FI and me, not people that we could care less about. 
I'm almost afraid that even if I cut these people and send out the STDs and invites to only the ones on the "official" guest list that she'll make off with some of my extras and send them to my no's anyways!
Does anyone else have this type of problem?!

Re: Mom's driving me MAD (a little long)

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    edited February 2010
    Let me ask the obligatory, 'is your mother paying for the event?'
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    Nope, FI and I are putting all the money towards it. They MIGHT pay for the rehearsal dinner OR my dress. That's it.
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    Well, in that case, just explain to her that you cannot accommodate all of these people within your budget and do not desire to have people who haven't played a significant aspect in your life at the event. 

     

    There's always some hair-pulling when it comes to the guest list, but she'll get over her initial hurt even if these friends/family don't make the list.

     

    In regards to your mother taking invitations, if you're seriously concerned about that there's a pretty easy way to prevent this: don't give them to her or let her know where they are. 

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    Haha, sneaky sneaky.
     It's not a serious concern, just one that was brought up by a mutual friend of ours. My mom is seriously heavy on the tradition of her family - not taking into account that my fathers family and my FI's family have their own traditions, and that I may not agree with some of the traditions of her family. This friend was kidding, but it gave me a stress related nightmare (those four guests were the only ones that showed up!)
    I've always fantasized about my mother and I addressing the invitations together over a few mimosas. 
    I'm probably just stressing over nothing?
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    Ditto Sun.  Tell her that you are unwilling to cut some of your guests that you want at the wedding and have a somewhat significant relationship with so she can have certain people that you apparently don't have a relationship with.  This is your party and you're paying for it, so you should get the final say on the list.  If she continues to throw a fit, tell her she can pony up whatever it costs extra per guest beyond your budget.

    Don't give her extra invites or STD's.  If she gives them all the info word of mouth and they still show up, I'm not sure what I'd do then except suck it up and chew mom a new one later.
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    Your wedding is May 1, 2011.

    So your invitations go in the mail MARCH 20, 2011 (six weeks before).

    And your RSVP date is APRIL 10, 2011 (three weeks before).

    Even if you are thinking about STD's - which lots of people, esp those over 40, think is completely pretentious - the STD's are sent at the 6-month mark, which for you would be NOVEMBER 1, 2010.

    Right now, this is FEBRUARY.  Not the time to be fussing about a guest list...

    See below:
    Q.How far in advance should you send invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card?
    A. Invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding -- that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners. It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier -- say three weeks before the wedding date -- so you can get a final head count and start making a seating chart (if you'll have one) before the final-week-before-the-wedding crunch begins.
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    Way to NOT actually answer the question Kristin.

    OP, tell your mother what the other people said.  It's just not in the budget to invite these people and you won't do so. 
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     i agree with Banana.  

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    Even if you are thinking about STD's - which lots of people, esp those over 40, think is completely pretentious - the STD's are sent at the 6-month mark, which for you would be NOVEMBER 1, 2010.


    Kristen-

    I have never heard that people are against STDs because they think they are pretentious. I know some people are opposed because your guests list becomes set so far out from the actual event, but never because they are pretentious. Please explain..
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    Oh please don't ask her to explain...
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
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    I say...your money, your guestlist and if mom doesn't like it then she can pay for those 4 extra people out of her pocket. If you want to include her with the invites you can, just make sure she doesn't know if there are extras so she can't create anymore or add addresses for people you don't want there.

    Fwiw...my wedding was May 1st 2009. I believe we sent out std's with our Christmas cards, invites around...Feb 10thish and had an rsvp date of April 1st. 90% of the guest list were out of town and because there was a festival in the town the day of the wedding (oops) they had to have hotels reserved a month in advanced, so the April 1st corresponded to that.
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