Wedding Guests Inviting Their Kids... Who Aren't Invited!

NewYearsBride7

So my RSVP's are starting to roll in and already an issue... I'm sure lots of people must deal with this one.

A friend of mine, used to be a very close friend but more of an obligation invite these days.  She e-mailed me to RSVP for the wedding, well her invitation was addressed to her and her live-in-boyfriend.  However, she RSVPed that her, the boyfriend and her 2 kids will be attending.

I'm not against kids, its just my fiancé and I both have large families, the only kids we invited were any first cousins we have that our still young, otherwise, if we invited everyones kids our guest would have went up by a good 50!  So its an all or none situation. 

I mentioned this had happened to my sister-in-law and BM, so she was talking with this guest the other day and casually mentioned that her Mom is babysitting my nephews the evening of the wedding and could do the same for her.  Apparently, she didn't even consider it, just said she's so excited to bring the kids and be able to dress the boy in a tux.  Ahhh!   If she was the close friend she used to be I'd just pick up the phone and explain the situation, but I'm not sure how to handle this without hurting anyones feelings.

Suggestions??

jenellsrevenge

If you don't stop her now, then what are you going to do when someone else does it? If you really don't want to up your guest list by 50 with all of the extra kids then this needs to be nipped in the bud. You can't very well let her bring her uninvited kids and not let others.

Manwaithiel

You pick up the phone and say "Sorry, the invitation was only for you and your BF. We aren't able to accomodate more than family kids."

twilight.rose

You do run the risk of her becoming offended and not attending. However, that's really not your problem.

You still need to pick up the phone, and say something like, "Susie, I'm so sorry, but the invitation was only for those listed on it. We simply can't accommodate additional guests. We look forward to seeing you and John at the wedding." You needn't offer a lengthy explanation as to why you can't accommodate her children.

If you're inviting her to your wedding, I feel that you should be close enough to her to make a phone call to explain the situation.

iamjoesgurl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guests-inviting-their-kids-arent-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b60813ea-c16f-44dc-8c29-ff7454de79acPost:fb3087ce-221f-49cf-9686-51837d79244b">Wedding Guests Inviting Their Kids... Who Aren't Invited!</a>:
[QUOTE]the only kids we invited were any first cousins we have that our still young, otherwise, if we invited everyones kids our guest would have went up by a good 50!  So its an all or none situation. 
Posted by NewYearsBride7[/QUOTE]

First, you say it's an all or none situation but that is not true if you invited some children.

You should be calling her to explain that you were not able to invite children (although it sounds like you did invite some children so you might need to clarify) and explain that you hope she and her boyfriend will still be able to come.  If you just let it go, you might have hurt feelings from other guests who won't understand why her children could attend but their children could not.  By the way, she may also be hurt that her children aren't invited and she may decide not to come.

tpender13

Yes, you need to call her and let her know her kids aren't invited. You can say something about it space/budget constraints if that applies to you, and let her know that you really want to see her but you understand if she can't make it.

Put your feet down and keep them there, or accept that you'll have a bunch of kids running around.

MissyCee

Get it over with quick, call her. I had the same problem with several people. If you're concerned about coming across in a bad light, maybe you could say something like "I'm sorry, we are unable to allow children but I can recommend a good babysitter/daycare/etc" This is what I did, I actually hired a babysitter and offered her services to people. Not saying you should pay for a sitter or anything, maybe just make a suggestion of where people can stash their kids for they night?

mgietler76

I agree with PP, if you invited her to your wedding you should be close enough to give her a call or maybe you shouldn't have invited her at all.

cherbein

Perhaps I'll be told that this is bad etiquette, but when I made my response cards I made personal ones for each invite that listed the invited people by name along with a column for whether they were attending or not and their food choice.  This is my attempt to limit people adding uninvited guests.  As the invitations just went out, I guess I'll see soon if it works!

I'm going to agree with previous posters that you have to nip this in the bud early.  Don't wait until this person has gone and bought a tux for her little boy.  Just politely explain that due to space/budget concerns the children invited were limited to only your cousins or that you are trying to keep this mainly an adult event and are not inviting children outside of your family.  She'll either understand or not, but you have to put your foot down and keep it down.  The same goes for people who try to add an "and guest" when they weren't given one.

whitma87

i would call her and say that due to your venue and buget, you do not have the space nor the money to acommodate any of her children, or any of your other friends children. i would also say that you have already had a head count of who was coming, and only have enough chairs and food for x amount of people.

it seems like this topic comes up alot in this board, it drives me crazy that people would do this!! for my invites, i am going to put an extra letter in with the card, saying that we are saving x amount of seats in your honor. if theres a family who has 2 adults and 4 kids, i am going to only put the couples name on the front of the invite, and a letter saying that we'll be saving 2 spots for the ceremony/reception in their honor. that way, they wont be offended and they'll be very clear that they cannot invite their kids.

marissa_claire

Yeah, you really just need to bite the bullet.  Wedding stuff is touchy, but I would just say 'we'd love it if your son could come, but we know so many people with so many kids that we are doing an adult-only reception."  I think it's just not terribly uncommon these days so she should understand.

anewday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guests-inviting-their-kids-arent-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b60813ea-c16f-44dc-8c29-ff7454de79acPost:de0b3fe7-8baa-488d-a02e-0d2d0e1fc250">Re: Wedding Guests Inviting Their Kids... Who Aren't Invited!</a>:
[QUOTE]i would call her and say that due to your venue and buget, you do not have the space nor the money to acommodate any of her children, or any of your other friends children. i would also say that you have already had a head count of who was coming, and only have enough chairs and food for x amount of people. it seems like this topic comes up alot in this board, it drives me crazy that people would do this!! for my invites, i am going to put an extra letter in with the card, saying that we are saving x amount of seats in your honor. if theres a family who has 2 adults and 4 kids, i am going to only put the couples name on the front of the invite, and a letter saying that we'll be saving 2 spots for the ceremony/reception in their honor. that way, they wont be offended and they'll be very clear that they cannot invite their kids.
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]

<p>Sadly, still expect people to try and RSVP with their kids, friends, and grandkids.  I did the same thing you did.  I addressed it only to the invites and listed "we have reserved two (2) seats for you".  We still received RSVPs for the 2 people plus a grandchild or their 3 children.  I had to call to let them know that the invite was only to the persons listed on the card.  I hope that you don't have to deal with this like I have.  </p>

chiwawa

Be as nice as you can about it, but definitely tell her the kids aren't invited.  Be firm.  If she gets offended, oh well.  As you've said, she's not that close a friend these days, anyway.

We're not inviting any children under twelve.  Period.  Close friends and family know this and know why and they're fine with it.  For everyone else, we've put the following on our wedding website:

"We feel that a wedding is an adult event and boring for children.  We have not planned any kid-friendly activities to keep them occupied, and we feel that our wedding is the perfect excuse for their parents to have a fun night out with other grown-ups!   Please remember to make appropriate arrangements for your  children.  Thank you!"