Mean Cousins

jennithebaker

I have a slight problem. I have a cousin who is about 2-3 years younger than I am. He is a thug, a jerk, a prick, always in trouble and just a bad kid/young adult. He grew up torturing me, calling me horrible names and making any family event miserable. I know I was older, but being a kid who was picked on at school as well as having few friends, it was hard for me. Also, being a family member I didn't want to cause trouble.  I'm not sure if my mother did much to recitfy the situation, as he is on my mom's side, all she really did was try to keep us seperated, but I had almost no support from any family member to help stop it. But it never stopped, and to this day, I DREAD any family event where he will be present.

So, my issue/non-issue is I do not want him at my wedding. I don't want to even consider it. He hates me, I loathe him.  My fiance tries to reassure me he wont come anyway, but seriously, I do not want to take that risk.
Should I invite him to avoid family problems? Or do I deal with it and let everyone know -why- he isn't invited when asked? My mother wont be happy, I'm sure, but I want my wedding day with my husband to be one of joy and happiness with our families; ones we love and want to share the day with. Having him there will make me a wreck.
I know I've answered my own question, but I just would like some feedback. He isn't that big a member of the family, so who knows, maybe no one will notice. I'm sort of the black sheep of the family, so maybe they expect me to be a Bridezilla about people.

scurtis07

Is he an ass to anyone else in the family? You should feel nothing but comfort and joy on your wedding day, so don't invite him, if your family gives you a hard time, explain, it isn't like they will boycott your wedding because he isn't going...

squirrly

Are you close with his parents?  Do you want to remain that way?  If so, I think you have to invite him.  If not, then I wouldn't.

But - seriously.  You don't have to hang out with him at the wedding.  Say hello, move on.  If he bothers you, get the venue's security to speak with him. 

I suspect, though, if you don't invite him he might attend anyway, if he really wants to make you miserable.  AND, he'll just torture you extra at future family functions.  So, really, the better plan is to learn how to tell him to STFU and leave you alone.  That's an all purpose solution that will serve you well at other times too. 

loop0406

It depends on your guest list, are you inviting only close friends and family?  Since he's not close then that can be your excuse when your mother or whoever asks ; "We are only inviting close family members and friends"  but if everyone in your family except him will be invited, hopefully it won't cause such a stir with your relatives.

laurenclaire1386

Who's paying for the wedding? Whoever pays deserves a say in the guestlist.

scurtis07

How old are you? I agree with PP, you should be able to tell him to shove it. If you are grown up enough to get married, then you should be grown up enough to tell someone to stop picking on you. If you see him again like engagement party/shower, tell him to knock it off. What does he do now? Noogies? Weggies? It is obvious you have had a rough childhood, with him, but try and make him know that you are a confident woman now, and he is still a bratty little kid.

mbarnhart

"He isn't that big a member of the family, so who knows, maybe no one will notice.?"

If he's in the family, he's in the family. No such thing as a "big" or "small" member.

jennithebaker

He and I are going to pay for it ourselves. It's going to be a smallish wedding anyways. Since it's so early in the planning stages, I gues I'm not going to think about this particular subject until it happens.
Anyway, everyone's feedback is very much appreicated. Wedding planning is a bit overwhelming even in the early stages (as well as very exciting), and having this website will probably be very helpful. Just those crazy bride thoughts creeping in!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Don't stress too much jenni - I thought the planning was stressful in the beginning too, what with making sure everything gets booked.  But once everything is picked, the rest falls into place.  You'll do great

Good luck with the cousin situation.  He sounds like an asshat.

wadingmoose

I firmly believe you don't have to invite everyone and that if you dont' want someone there, it's ok not to invite them.

But that isn't always a popular opinion and it's probably not one that your family shares.

ARod22

If you don't invite him, just remember that you will hear about it from other family members, possibly for years to come.  So, if it's worth it to you...

JanoBean75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mean-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b62ff11d-4658-4193-9c40-fa8f4b594ee2Post:53d487ce-417c-419e-a443-915e75cb92c3">Re: Mean Cousins</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I firmly believe you don't have to invite everyone and that if you dont' want someone there, it's ok not to invite them. </strong>But that isn't always a popular opinion and it's probably not one that your family shares.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

I agree 100%. If I had a cousin that treated me like dirt and everyone knew it, he'd not be invited and I wouldn't care what the family thought. They could have tried to stop it when you were younger, but they didn't.

honeybunches101

Don't invite him. You're paying for the wedding, you get to decide.  If it's a smaller wedding, you might be stressed out worrying about if he'll show up or if he'll cause a scene etc.  It might be better to get the awkwardness out of the way early and explain to family members who ask that you don't want him there, rather than worrying about it on your wedding day.

jenellsrevenge

I woudln't invite him.

We are not inviting a couple of members of both of our families for various reasons, and one of them is my FI's brother. He cheated on his wife, put us in the middle of it, had an inapropriate relationship with his cousin,  lied about everything to everyone, and now chooses to blame everything that he has done on his parents.

My FI refused to invite him, he hasn't seen him in over year and avoids him because he wants to beat the crap out of him for lying and blaming everything on their parents....so yeah...sometimes its just betterto not invite people and avoid all of the drama.

aprilmelissa1979

Its your wedding. You should be happy on your wedding day. If he treats you badly and you do not talk to him then do not invite him.

I have several family members and cousins I am not inviting. I do not feel bad about it. If my family says anything about it I politely remind them that its my wedding and that I am paying, therefore they have no right to dictate who gets invited. (I of course say it in a nice way)