BM Drama Surprise!

glennona79

So I was hanging out with one of my BMs last night and she went off on a rant about my MOH.  Apparently, she is annoyed that my MOH asked her to contribute to the cost of the shower.  Its not a big or expensive event, just brunch in a local restaurant, prolly about 20 people.  She even admitted the cost wasnt a huge burden, but she was angry that she was even being asked to contribute.  She said that it is the MOB or MOH's responsibility to do this, and that the BMs shouldnt have to contribute.

A little history - the three of us went to high school and have been friends for over a decade.  My MOH lives 5 hours away, so we dont often all get together, except a few times a year.  My BM got married 2 years ago; both myself and my MOH were BMs in her wedding.   (Her shower was thrown by her MIL, BTW).  She had 8 other BMs in her bridal party as well.  Apparently, at one point my MOH had (jokingly I assume) said to her "Wow 10 bridesmaids - arent we special" - tacky yes, but Im sure not meant maliciously.  Apparently, my BM is still pissed about this because she brought up last night in a very long rant, where she basically told me she doesnt even like my MOH anymore.  I understand that they have grown apart but I had no idea she was so angry at her.

So Im thinking that the resentment over the shower is stemming from this old, unresolved issue.  I dont particularly want to get involved with that (its between the two of them IMO) but I do need to deal with the immediate issue of the finances.  I know that the shower is optional for all involved, but Im thinking maybe this is an issue she should have brought up BEFORE the invitations were mailed with all the BMs names listed as hosts?  I have certainly paid for showers where I was a BM.

Its not even really a money thing either - with the exception of my MOH, all my other attendents make a lot less money than her- and I tried to keep costs low by selecting a $100 dress that they ALL loved.  (I paid $300 for the giant tacky dress she made me wear at her wedding and didnt complain).

So what do I tell her about the shower?  What is the correct ettiquette?  Am I wrong in thinking that she is out of line on this one?

WildRumpus

I'd tell her that you're sorry that she feels that way, but that if she has a problem with it, she needs to take it up with your MOH

Mrs.B6302007

Ditto.  You need to stay out of it.

FWIW, it's not unheard of for all BMs to help towards the shower so it's not an unusual request but it does sound like it might be for the wrong reasons.  Even more reason for you to stay out of it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Honestly, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to contribute. Well, not asked, but demanded. The person who hosts should pay. If the MOH said, "I was wondering if you wanted to cohost the shower? If we both go in on it, it should be about $150 each," that's fine. Sending all the BMs a bill isn't fine.

But it's none of your business and she needs to take it up with the MOH.

mwhitson14

Tell her that you're sorry that she is upset, but if she has a problem, she needs to talk to your MOH about it, that you'd rather not get in the middle of it.

duckie1905

You need to stay out of it.

And, I would get pissed if I was asked for money too.  It sounds like your BM didn't really have a hand in planning and never offered to assist or co-host the event (otherwise, her money/time would've already been invested and there probably wouldn't have been a need for a special request for money).  I'd be mad too if someone else planned an event (no matter the cost) and then asked me after the fact to chip in money.

Regardless, this is between the BMs. 

eastunder1

I would be irritated if I was basically told I was contributing to a shower too.  Yes, a lot of BMs do split costs of things like this, but its not to be expected or mandated.  Its something they should volunteer for, should they want to.  I don't blame her for that aspect. 

I think that your history or their prior altercations don't really have anything to do with this, and you're making it out to be more than it is.  Stop trying to bring "meaning" into it from things that happened ages ago. 

I hate, hate, hate when brides come on here and try to say that things aren't about the money or that money shouldn't be an issue.  A person has no way of knowing someone elses needs, expectations, or current situations concerning money.   What they do with their money or whether or not they make enough to "be able to easily cover things" isn't anyone elses concern nor should it be used to justify something.  It just irritates the crap out of me.   </rant />

banana468

I'd be irritated if I was told to contribute too.  I disagree that the MOH needs to pay for it, but all the attendants together need to plan TOGETHER if they're going to contribute that way.


But for you, just say, "I understand that you're upset with her but I need to stay out of this."

leayn

i'm in my friend's wedding this july and her sister is the maid of honor.  she doesn't work and is away at college about 4 hours away from us.  i haven't been in any weddings as an adult - this will be my first.  maybe its my lack of knowledge, but when her sister called me to come up with a plan and set the menu for the bridal shower i assumed i would be paying for most of what we talked about, which i definitely am, and i didn't think anything of it.  i love my friend and am happy to be in her wedding, and i want her shower and everything else to be awesome.  if that means i have to pay for it, so be it.

glennona79

From what I understand - the BMs all discussed hosting the shower.  This is something that is just coming up now....after the invites have been mailed.  My friend is sometimes a little meek when dealing with big groups, so she might have just gone along so as not to cause waves and is now upset about this.

In any event, I just want this to go smoothly.  Should I just pay for it myself (through my mom offering to pay for her portion)?  Should I tell her that she should have brought this up when the planning happened months ago?  I just dont want to put undo stress on some of my less financially stable bridesmaids because this girl has a problem with my MOH.

glennona79

Also, not that its about this, but she asked a lot more of me from her wedding than Ive asked of her on mine.  I DONT think its fair for her to complain to me what a big inconvenience my wedding is when she is a bridesmaid.  Im not an "oh my special day" girl, but seriously, BM etiquette 101 is "dont involve the bride!"

Sorry for the rant.

bebargas

I wouldn't even tell your BM you are sorry. She needs to get over it. If she doesn't want to participate with the cost and feels so strongly that she doesn't need to contribute, then she just needs to tell your MOH that. She shouldn't be bringing it up to you and adding to your list of stuff to worry or stress about especially considering that the money isn't an issue.

sweetviolet

I can understand you wanting to be the peacemaker between your two friends, but I think the advice given to you previously still stands. If the BMs all discussed hosting the shower, then your friend had her chance to voice what role, if any, she wanted to play in hosting the shower. If she just went with the group instead, then that's on her. And if issues with your MOH are greater than the shower (which it sounds like they are), then I would ask her if she's talked to your MOH about any of this, and if she hasn't, encourage her to do so.

brookelynpaisley

You shouldn't be involed in matterd related to your shower. The BM needs to sort this out with the MOH.

And "prolly" isn't a word.

glennona79

Oh but "prolly" is such a fun abriviation!!!! 

Thanks fot the advice guys....Im just gonna not do anything at this point.  If she brings it up to me again, Ill just ask her to talk to my MOH.  I dont want my wedding to be some kind of battle ground for the two of them, but I also dont want to play the "but I did this for YOUR wedding" game.