Wedding Etiquette Forum

MIL Problems - help needed, stat

Sorry if this is a bit long, but I really need your help. Please help!!
My fiance' and I visited his mother and announced our engagement. We've met a handful of times before, and she's always seemed warm - she's hugged me and told me that I make him happier than she's seen him in a very, very long time and that she's happy that I'm there for him and to take care of him. But when we told her about the engagement, she was at most luke-warm to the idea, and she actually kept changing the subject back to herself and not the wedding!! We couldn't even get a word in edge-wise about our engagement/the wedding. My fiance kept bringing the subject back to our engagement and the planning, which we told her that we would like her to be a part of. He said that her changing the subject back to herself shouldn't be taken personally, as it was just her - her personality and how she converses. 
But we still felt really disappointed by her reaction. There wasn't a single "congratulations" or "welcome to the family." In fact, she even said that my engagement ring (which we told her that we picked out together) wasn't her style (we didn't ask), and then she went on ad nauseam about the kind of ring that she likes (apparently the opposite of what we picked out). We both suggested at different occasions that she and I to do things together (to get to know each other and do some mother/daughter in law bonding) and that I have no problem driving to where she lives (she lives under 2 hours away - my parents live MUCH further away and I visit them), and her reaction both times was that we "live too far away."  Cough cough - she just visited her daughter 3 hrs away. What kind of answer is that? Before the engagement, she loved me!
Okay, so we decided that maybe she wasn't prepared, she felt bad about her son getting married (he's the second son and the last to get married in his family), something. So we let it go. Then, two weeks later we saw her again, and, when the wedding subject was brought up at some point, all she could say was that she didn't see what the big deal about weddings is, etc. But she loved her daughter's wedding and thought it was perfect. Even more, she keeps intimating that our wedding (because it's not across the street from her or something) is a burden for her or something. She keeps complaining about the "distance" and how "inconsiderate" it is that we want the wedding to be near us (again, less than 2 hours away). To top it off, she hasn't offered to contribute in any way.
My fiance is leaning towards just going forward without her input because she has a strong personality and he knows how upset she is making me (and him). But he doesn't want to make waves, and the way he deals with her is to just "yes" her and then do what he wants and not clue her in about it (the opposite way he is with me).  I feel really weird about the whole situation because I don't want to make waves either, but I feel that her behavior is exceedingly rude. He's tried to bring it up with her, but nothing's changed.
PLEASE HELP! What do I / We do (or not do) ?Any and all advice is welcome!

Re: MIL Problems - help needed, stat

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-problems-needed-stat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b71d0c81-368c-42ad-b792-7cb43ee2c1b9Post:02610aab-c279-4b95-84cf-21ae8b9ce7a3">MIL Problems - help needed, stat</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry if this is a bit long, but I really need your help. Please help!! My fiance' and I visited his mother and announced our engagement. We've met a handful of times before, and she's always seemed warm - she's hugged me and told me that I make him happier than she's seen him in a very, very long time and that she's happy that I'm there for him and to take care of him. But when we told her about the engagement, she was at most luke-warm to the idea, and she actually kept changing the subject back to herself and not the wedding!! We couldn't even get a word in edge-wise about our engagement/the wedding. My fiance kept bringing the subject back to our engagement and the planning, which we told her that we would like her to be a part of. He said that her changing the subject back to herself shouldn't be taken personally, as it was just her - her personality and how she converses.  But we still felt really disappointed by her reaction. There wasn't a single "congratulations" or "welcome to the family." In fact, she even said that my engagement ring (which we told her that we picked out together) wasn't her style (we didn't ask), and then she went on ad nauseam about the kind of ring that she likes (apparently the opposite of what we picked out). We both suggested at different occasions that she and I to do things together (to get to know each other and do some mother/daughter in law bonding) and that I have no problem driving to where she lives (she lives under 2 hours away - my parents live MUCH further away and I visit them), and her reaction both times was that we "live too far away."  Cough cough - she just visited her daughter 3 hrs away. What kind of answer is that? Before the engagement, she loved me! Okay, so we decided that maybe she wasn't prepared, she felt bad about her son getting married (he's the second son and the last to get married in his family), something. So we let it go. Then, two weeks later we saw her again, and, when the wedding subject was brought up at some point, all she could say was that she didn't see what the big deal about weddings is, etc. But she loved her daughter's wedding and thought it was perfect. Even more, she keeps intimating that our wedding (because it's not across the street from her or something) is a burden for her or something. She keeps complaining about the "distance" and how "inconsiderate" it is that we want the wedding to be near us (again, less than 2 hours away). To top it off, she hasn't offered to contribute in any way. <strong>My fiance is leaning towards just going forward without her input</strong> because she has a strong personality and he knows how upset she is making me (and him). But he doesn't want to make waves, and the way he deals with her is to just "yes" her and then do what he wants and not clue her in about it (the opposite way he is with me).  I feel really weird about the whole situation because I don't want to make waves either, but I feel that her behavior is exceedingly rude. He's tried to bring it up with her, but nothing's changed. PLEASE HELP! What do I / We do (or not do) ? Any and all advice is welcome!
    Posted by hyperpolyglot[/QUOTE]

    Yeah I really think this is one of those times you should listen to your FI.
    Photobucket aedesisgettingmarried.weebly.com
  • Is there any reason you can think of that she would be against this wedding, i.e. age, time together, etc.?

    If not, you can only reach out to her so much, continue to try to reach out, but don't get your hopes up about her reaction.  If you do go ahead planning the wedding without her, don't expect any contributions.
    Good luck.
    As my fiance is fond of saying, "Just Relax....."
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    Your FI has to find out what's going on.  Not just "yes" her, really get her to talk about why she is acting like this.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Since she's not interested, I'd leave her out of stuff. If she sparks an interest in something, you can decide whether or not you want to indulge her. You can't force anyone to have an interest in your wedding planning. And it sounds like you'd be better off not including her anyway, because she's kind of a turd.
    image
  • I understand that maybe you're disappointed at her reaction, but not all parents have to be involved in the wedding planning.  They certainly don't have to contribute financially.  I think this is a situation where you just need to adjust your expectations.  She is making it clear that she's not really interested in the planning of it, so you and your FI just move forward.  You don't need her input anyway. 

    This goes for your Mom and friends as well really.  No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are, and really you and your FI are the only ones responsible for planning it.  So have fun and get started!  Don't let others bring you down.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm sorry that you and FI are having to deal with this.  Unfortunately, some people just don't love planning weddings and no one will be as excited about your wedding as you and FI.  Since you said her other children are all married maybe she is just "weddinged out".  Personally, I would back off about pushing her to contribute or help plan.  Let her know that you would love her input and opinions throughout the planning process and have your FI talk to her about how important it is to him (and you) that the two of you spend some time together and get to know each other better.  It is nice of you to want to include her but if she doesn't want to be included there is nothing you can do.
    image
  • Don't force a relationship with your MIL. If she doesn't want one, then that's just that. She's clearly got her own problems about this, but there's nothing wrong with you guys getting married, so don't start thinking that either.

    She also doesn't seem interested in planning a wedding with you. So fine, she doesn't. Just let her not do it.

    Have the wedding where you want. Try to be as accommodating of her as possible. If she's annoying, bite your lip, roll your eyes to your fiance and then vent about it later.

    Family is weird. As I said, she clearly seems to have her own issues with this which she doesn't seem very willing to tell you about, so just let her be that way about it and try not to worry about it. Your FI needs to do the majority of the dealings with her because it is his mother. I would honestly recommend that he not be a "yes man" too much, but that's another thing you really can't force.

    Just try to stay out of her way and do the planning as much as you can to your desires, compromising where you must.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    Hawaii with my best friend =)
    Photobucket
  • I agree that you should adjust your expectations and proceed ahead with your wedding planning without her.
  • Thanks everyone for your help. I really appreciate it. 
  • I posted in the other thread.. but this Mom has already had a son and daughter get married.. another wedding isn't gonna be as much spark and pizazz/excitement for her.. also with the financial part of it, they are not required to pay. so be happy with what you get
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • I'm sorry for both of you she's not as excited/happy as you'd like her to be! I think your fi has the right idea- ultimately it's your day, plan what the two of you want, and just stop worrying about her input/happiness on the day. It'll all be just fine.
  • I would keep her up-to-date on happenings, but not try to elicit many opinions.  That way she won't be out of the loop and can chime in/participate if she feels.  The best you can do is to be courteous and keep the lines of communication open. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Sorry about that!  Unfortunately, you can't force enthusiasm upon others.

    Depending on how "traditional" your FMIL is, she might be deferring wedding planning to you and your family, since traditionally the wedding is the responsibility of the bride's side.  My FMIL is wonderful, but she stays out of the wedding planning because that's my mother's and my thing.  She's been super gung-ho about the RD, though.

    Or, maybe she has financial problems right now and doesn't want to promise things on which she can't deliver.  Or she has something else going on in her life that is distracting her.  Just because she doesn't want to talk about your engagement doesn't mean that she doesn't like you.

    Just plan your wedding.  If she warms up to wedding planning and/or offers to help (financially or otherwise), great.  If not, well, you're already prepared.
  • A lot of times MILs freak out because they will no longer be the most important woman in their sons' lives and they go through a grieving process (which many times will manifest itself in complete insanity).  Give her some time.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Totally agree with ZRex who posted just above me.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards