I am not sure if I am posting this to vent, or to ask for help in sorting out this tangled situation. Here is the background:
My fiance and I moved out of state together over a year ago, and both sets of parents were very happy, and we all got along. Back in July, my FI and I started discussing marriage from a very practical point of view, i.e. when we should get married with our work/grad school schedules, where we should do it, given that all of our families are spread out across the country, etc. After a lot of discussion, we decided May would be perfect. I asked him if this meant that we were engaged, and if we should tell people. He told me that, despite practical considerations, he still wanted the romance and surprise of proposing, so we agreed to keep it quiet. However, we started quietly planning important aspects of the wedding, including the venue, photographer, and looking at rings together.
In September, we had set a date, booked a venue, and hired a photographer. We made sure the date worked by expressing a desire to have a family reunion of sorts. On a Saturday, we went ring shopping together and tentatively picked one. Since we were going on vacation the first week in October, I had a feeling that was the day, and we were both excited. When we returned home that evening, FI got a phone call from his older brother, who had also been living with his girlfriend out of state for several years. They were adament that they opposed the idea of getting married and having kids, since marriage is the "worst contract anyone could ever sign" according to the lawyer girlfriend. Lo and behold, the phone call is to inform us that the brother and girlfriend have finally decided to get married the following September.
After getting over the vague disappointment I felt at hearing this so soon after having happy wedding thoughts of my own in my head, I realized that this was actually great. FSIL (is that still the term if it's FBIL's fiancee?) had said some pretty disparaging things about marriage to me, but now she would have to change her tune!
Fast forward to October's vacation, and we got engaged on the beach in Cabo! It was beautiful and I was so glad FI had decided to go the romantic proposal. As soon as we returned to the states (in the airport in fact!) we decided to share the happy news with our families. We called his family first because we had a feeling my younger sister wouldn't be able to keep it quiet for even 2 seconds. The first thing out of his mom's mouth was "I hope your brother won't be upset. When are you going to tell him?" No "congrats" no happy words at all. Needless to say, my FI was crushed. They did go on to ask about details, but it was not an overall good conversation. We called my family after, who gushed and welcomed him to the family, and cried and told us both that they couldn't be happier. It broke my heart to see how much that positivity meant to my FI.
His parents are actually wonderful people, but I am just perplexed by this attitude. I understand wanting both her sons to have their big day, but even after we explained that we had been planning for a while and had chosen many details, she practically asked if we would change our plans to accomodate his brother! While I am very happy for them, we should not be asked to change everything because they have completely changed their tune after 5+ years.
Now, I am attempting to keep his family involved while not overstepping these weird family boundaries. FMIL seems interested when I tell her details, but has made it clear that she does not want to be too involved. The drama and entitlement involved in his brother's fiancee's wedding (because it is 100% hers and not his) are the subject for a completely different post, but I can't help feeling that there should be plenty of love and happiness to go around. I am not letting it get me down because everyone else is so enthusiastic, but I know how hurt my fiance is, and how much he wishes they were more outwardly enthusiastic.
P.S. Sorry for the suuuuper long post.