Wedding Etiquette Forum

WWYD/Should I do?-Long

A little backstory. A couple years ago, FI broke his foot playing basketball. Beginning of last summer, he broke his other ankle in 3 places (the worst the doctors ever seen) playing basketball. He was on crutches for 2 months and a walking boot for almost 5. He used to play basketball in high school and really was very good at it. Now, he just plays at the gym and what he's lost in skill, he makes up in aggressiveness. He throws his height around and plays really rough. I knew it was only a matter of time before he got hurt.

A couple months ago, one guy he plays with asked FI if he wanted to be in his new community league starting here soon. Fi asked me what I thought about it and we went over the pros and cons. We decided, together that it wasn't the best idea right now and we would look for him a league once we moved.

He texted me a little bit ago and told me that he has to stop by and pay the guy for the league?? As I said, we decided a few months ago that it wasn't the best idea right now and I haven't heard anything about it since then. Apparently he changed his mind and forgot (didn't) tell me.

Why I'm upset:
  • OBVIOUSLY his bones can't take it or something (just too aggressive)
  • He'll look like an idiot if he gets hurt right before the wedding
  • Our honeymoon involves a lot of walking and he'd be KO for that
  • I feel like he went behind my back and reneged on a decision we made together
  • They play every sing Sunday. As it is, we see each other every other week, very rarely, two weekends in a row.So now, I either have to make the decision that i only get to see him starting late Friday night and him leaving Saturday night. Or me always the one driving to see him because he has a game
  • He's a big baby if he gets hurt
Why I should be happy for him:
  • He really loves basketball and I know how happy it makes him
  • He's a big boy, he can make these decisions and if he gets hurt, its on him. I'll get to laugh at all our wedding pictures forever if he has crutches/boot on
So, should I explain to him why I'm upset and remind him that we decided not to do it, Tell him why I'm upset, but still encourage him to do it since he obviously really wants to, or just be a supportive FI and not say anything at all?
"In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs

Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long

  • WOW! Sorry about that!
    CN: FI and I made a decision together about something, he decided to do it anyway. I'm upset for various reasons. I don't know if I should tell him I'm upset or just be a supportive FI.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I don't think it's wrong to explain it sort of the way you did here, as long as you phrase it like, "So, these are my concerns about this league, but obviously it's your decision to make."
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  • I think I would have to say something.  It would be along the lines of "I thought we decided you weren't going to do it for these reasons" and then remind him the very valid reasons.  I would say the biggest reason is the whole getting to see each other thing.  You don't know he will get hurt, but you DO know this will make your times together a lot harder and a lot more one-sided since  you'll have to go see him every weekend.
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  • Is playing but not being as aggressive not an option for him?  Does he get too wrapped up in the competition to control himself?  I'm recovering from a stress fracture from running right now.  I am running a half-marathon on our wedding day with some friends & family (not FI) and my FI is concerned that I will injure myself during the half-marathon and be limping around at the wedding & on the honeymoon.  But I've promised him I am just running easy instead of going for a personal record.  It's just for fun to be with my friends & family (and to relieve some wedding day stress).  That's our compromise. 
  • I can see being upset because you guys made the decision together and he didn't tell you.  But it makes me wonder how "together" you really were you made the decision.  I feel like if you really made it "together" this would have been a whole lot less likely to happen.
  • I would explain it the way you did here to him(except maybe not call him a baby, but I call my FI a baby all the time when he's sick or hurt cause he is one!). I would also ask him why he feels the need to join this league. Is it because he feels bad turning this friend down, or because he really wants to play basketball that badly?
    I would also throw in that ankle injuries are serious and the ankle is a very week joint and his chances of re-injuring are high, especially the way he plays.
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  • I think his chances of getting hurt are really good. If he's playing every weekend, and now it's a real competition instead of just a pickup game, I think he will. But you're right, I don't know FOR SURE. And, I feel like if I say anything, I'm going to guilt him into not doing it now and then I'll feel really guilty. I think my best best is to tell him why I'm upset that he went back on something we decided on together, but still encourage him to do what makes him happy?

    No, not playing agressive is not an option for him. He things he's still all that, but no, he's just really big and apparently forgot a lot of what he was taught in high school. That stinks too, because he had a change to go play for Clemson on a full ride scholarship.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:1044e49c-845b-4396-a1d1-50501028ec60">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can see being upset because you guys made the decision together and he didn't tell you.  But it makes me wonder how "together" you really were you made the decision.  I feel like if you really made it "together" this would have been a whole lot less likely to happen.
    Posted by JK10910[/QUOTE]
    I really thought we did make it together. We discussed it for half an hour, weighing everything out. Maybe he just saw it as me saying 'no' and didn't like that? That was not my intention though. I'm just really worried about him getting hurt before the wedding and me having to come see him all the time instead of swtichign off.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • And, FWIW, I'm not suggesting in my post that you steamrolled him or anything, LVB.  But I know some guys have a tendency to just agree to things even when they don't want to, and then be kind of passive aggressive about it.  Or maybe he was on the same page and did change his mind.  I guess that's not really my place to judge, I'm sorry.

    I think you should talk to him and explain your concerns about him going back on a decision that you thought you made together and not talking to you about it. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:25884f21-373f-4c0d-8cd5-25e53dee202f">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I. I would also ask him why he feels the need to join this league. Is it because he feels bad turning this friend down, or because he really wants to play basketball that badly? I would also throw in that ankle injuries are serious and the ankle is a very week joint and his chances of re-injuring are high, especially the way he plays.
    Posted by BioGirl21[/QUOTE]
    I know he really wants to play. I feel awful for saying this, but I think he's going to be an old man, still talking about how great he was and how he could have made it big!!!! He still really thinks he's awesome at it. Honestly, I think he was fairly good in high school, but he was also the biggest guy on his team and against pretty much any team he played. At 6'10, the coach depended on him  a lot.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:90c88c92-7c2f-4496-92a9-ad6db25d6957">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]And, FWIW, I'm not suggesting in my post that you steamrolled him or anything, LVB.  But I know some guys have a tendency to just agree to things even when they don't want to, and then be kind of passive aggressive about it.  Or maybe he was on the same page and did change his mind. 
    Posted by JK10910[/QUOTE]
    That's what I thought you were saying :)
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Talk to him again.  Joint injuries are no joke.  I dislocated my knee and it has NEVER been the same since.  Even turning funny can cause it to pop out of place.  Same with Noodle's dislocated shoulder.  And if he can't play sensibly then chances are very high he's going to re-injure himself.  And part of a marriage is compromise - it's not like you're asking him never to play BBall again, just not at the level of a straight on competition. 
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  • He really blows off my worries about him getting injured. He says that he refuses to live in the 'what-ifs'. That's so damn frustrating for me. There's a difference of not driving your car because you might get into an accident and not playing basketball right now because your chances of getting hurt  right before the wedding are pretty high.

    Thanks for all your advice ladies. I'm going to talk to him tonight and tell him that I'm upset that he went back on a decision we made together. He'll get defensive, I'll be quite until he calms down and then we'll have a logical discussion. I'm exhuasted just thinking about it.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I'd say something, but I would be really careful.  If it were the other way around, I'd be pretty ticked if somebody (FI included) told me they didn't think I should play a sport I loved or that they didn't think I was capable of playing within my limits so as to minimize my injury risk.  In the end, that would just make me want to play more.

    Now, not being able to hang out b/c of his games on Sundays is a totally valid concern & you could play that card all you want in my opinion.  The others just not so much.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:599a034d-6728-43b3-8750-ae41da2db2c6">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd say something, but I would be really careful.  If it were the other way around, I'd be pretty ticked if somebody (FI included) told me they didn't think I should play a sport I loved or that they didn't think I was capable of playing within my limits so as to minimize my injury risk.  In the end, that would just make me want to play more. Now, not being able to hang out b/c of his games on Sundays is a totally valid concern & you could play that card all you want in my opinion.  The others just not so much.
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
    But he's shown, twice, that he can't play like a normal person. If I were just saying it LOOKS like he can't play and not get hurt, that's one thing. But he's had two pretty serious injuries from the way he plays. But I do appreciate your opinion as another athlete. Oh, and I'm not telling him never to play again. Just not until after the wedding/honeymoon. If he joins a league and gets hurt after we move, so what? If he gets hurt now, it throws a wrench in some things.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:b5b61140-d567-4b52-b261-1d61f8191f2a">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long : I know he really wants to play. I feel awful for saying this, but I think he's going to be an old man, still talking about how great he was and how he could have made it big!!!! He still really thinks he's awesome at it. Honestly, I think he was fairly good in high school, but he was also the biggest guy on his team and against pretty much any team he played. At 6'10, the coach depended on him  a lot.
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    This totally made me think of Uncle Rico in "Napoleon Dynamite"....made me chuckle (not abt your situation, but abt the image I got in my head)

    I know what you mean in your response here, my FI is like that too sometimes with hockey.  I have nothing constructive to add that others haven't said already, I agree with them to talk it over once more and then let it go at his decision.
  • I know.  I'm just sharing how I'd react.  Volleyball isn't particularly injury prone, but skiing is.  And I have gotten hurt.  Not enough to get a snowmobile stretcher ride out, but i probably should have on two occasions.  I know I've gotten at least 2 concussions, and I jacked up my knee once and my hand once.  All different crashes.  And still, if FI suggested I not ski this winter cause I might get hurt before the wedding, I'd be furious.  It's ok for me to get hurt later, but not prior to pictures?  What about the fact that 95% of my runs down the mountain are clean, with no spills at all?  I don't ALWAYS get hurt.  And, I LOVE skiing.  It's one of those things that makes me feel totally alive, 100% myself, and good about myself because it's something I do just for me - and those things are few and far between.  I'm not sure if your FI is as passionate about basketball as I am about skiing, but if he is. . .

    I'm just trying to give you the other side of the arguement so that you can be prepared.  :) 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • First of all, I don't want you to think I'm so vain that it's just about the pictures. For any of the 'poseed' ones, it could easily be hidden. But yeah, he would look awfully dumb standing up at the alter with crutches, and our honeymoon (at least the one we've planned and paid for) would be pretty much ruined. Not to mention, he'd be pretty useless as we were trying to pack up and move. It wouldn't be ideal for him to get get hurt after all of that, but right now, it would be pretty awful. But I think he does feel that way about basketball. I know it makes him feel young again. But I can't just let it go because we did make this decision together. That has to be addressed.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • It's all cool.  I just figured I'd help you have a "practice conversation" so that you're prepared.  Cool
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • I apprecaite it. Especially coming from another athlete.

    Great, now he's saying that he thought "I" said he could. Absolutly not. We decided together that it would be a bad idea. Nice selective amnesia. I'll come out looking like a royal bitch now. Awesome.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Really - the safest angle you have is that it ruins Sundays.  If it were you and me REALLY having the arguement, I'd go after the others like nobody's business, but that one I wouldn't have much defense for. 
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  • So he is playing me for sure. I got one message saying "I thought you said I could play" and then the next message was.."Well, I guess I forgot that we talked about it at all". He is just trying to get out of what we originally decided. Ok, fine. Don't go behind my back. Have another discussion with me, let me know how important this is to you and then go play. Just don't try to do this to me. Grr.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I would definitely talk to him and really explain how you feel about the potential for injury before the wedding/honeymoon.  Because honestly, if it were me, I'd be super mad at FI if he were injured before the wedding doing something he has a history of hurting himself while doing.  And as a pp said, you aern't asking him to totally give it up, just not to play until after the honeymoon. 

    FI & I had an argument/subsequent discussion recently about balancing how much theatre he wants to do and our life together. We'd both already agreed we wouldn't do much next year because of the wedding. But we had different ideas about after. It all is a compromise, it really is, and finally FI understood where I was coming from and agreed we need to talk more and sset some guidelines and ground rules. He said he is really starting to realize his decisions effect more than just him now.

    Hopefully when you talk to him, he will understand you're not saying NO NEVER, but see how you would really feel if you put all this work into planning the wedding and honeymoon only to have him immobile for it all. And that based on his injury history, it is fair to say there is definite potential for injury. Good luck!  I know I was a mess for 2 days while we were hashing some of this out.
    Crosswalk
  • B, I feel like using that argument is the cop out method. I don't want to guilt him into it. By saying that, I feel like I'm saying "It's me or the game, you pick". And I KNOW he'd choose me. But that doesn't feel good to me either. I wish he would choose not to because we've already decided this. But he's a big boy. I have to let him make his own mistakes and then be there to make it all better.

    And thanks Pirata, I do plan on talking to him some more. I just hope we can get somewhere without a big blowup.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • He needs to think "we" not "I" at this point.  You have valid points about the time it takes away from your together time.  And as he's now broken both ankles they will be weakened and you are right there is a good chance he'll be injured for your wedding and honeymoon.  How does he expect to dance with you if he has broken ankles? 
  • LVB, it's funny we're talking about this because I just got off the phone with FI and am all keyed up again. I love the people Fi is doing this show with, but the rehearsal schedule has been very heavy and tonight was a night off. But now he's meeting with our friend/his costar to run lines but he isn't sure what time. I am in the "REALLY? We can't have ONE night that you can pick me up at 5 and I can make dinner and we can watch a movie without you falling asleep after 10 effing minutes?!?!"  mode.

    I'll admit also that I hate that this rehearsal/show schedule runs through the holiday season when it isn't a holiday show. I haven't enjoyed the holidays really in a long time, and now that I really do, trying to pin down a time we can decorate the tree together is proving to be difficult. Not to mention declining friends' holiday party invites because he is in rehearsals or shows and then has to work at 4:30am.

    Oh yeah, it's gonna be a good time when this dam bursts....
    Crosswalk
  • PPs have all made very good points.  I can empathize, because I have a somewhat similar situation.  H was extremely short and very thin all through high school, so was never really able to play sports.  He got his growth spurts after he graduated, so ever since then he's played as much as he could with just local guys who want to play for fun- he plays basketball, football and softball every year.  There was a time (before I met him) that he'd play basketball six days a week.  Now, two knee surgeries later, he realizes he's getting older and just can't put his body through that much anymore.  But it really depresses him.  So he still plays, just not as often, and he always always always wears his knee brace if he thinks there's even a chance he could injure it (during sports, moving furniture etc).  I don't know what ankle injuries are like- could he wear some sort of a brace to minimize his risk of injury?

    I think I know how you feel with not wanting to be the bad guy and ask him to give up something he clearly enjoys.  But I think you have reasonable concerns for him not wanting to get hurt before the wedding and honeymoon.   If I was in your position I think I'd ask him if he could just wait to join a league until after the wedding and honeymoon, and remind him that if he got hurt before he wouldn't be able to do what you had planned for the honeymoon (especially if it's already paid for!).  Alternatively, is there an option for him to play basketball more casually now- like not with a league where it's every Sunday, but just here and there at the Y or something?  If he's simply not able to control his aggressive playing though, I'm not sure that would really help.

    Good luck!
  • In Response to Re: WWYD/Should I do?-
    [QUOTE] I have to let him make his own mistakes <strong>and then be</strong> <strong>there to make it all better</strong>. Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    ^^^
    LOL, if it was me and he did it, I'd let him hobble his a$$ everywhere and just give him the "I done TOLD you!" look everytime he asked for help. If the wedding and honeymoon were screwed up because of it, HE would need to be the one making it all better.
    Crosswalk
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwydshould-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b75de951-98d3-4045-8b26-fbd8625c266bPost:70727bff-43da-4446-a2d3-a7de7384aaae">Re: WWYD/Should I do?-Long</a>:
    [QUOTE] I don't know what ankle injuries are like- could he wear some sort of a brace to minimize his risk of injury?
    Posted by smbrend[/QUOTE]

    I didn't think about that.  Active Ankle makes really good ankle braces.  They're about $50/foot, but that's cheap in the big scheme of things.  <a href="http://www.midwestvolleyball.com/store/store.php?crn=2671&rn=1424&action=show_detail" target="_blank">LINK</a>
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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