What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations

ashleymjo

 

I'm not really even sure how to go about this question... but I need some advice on how to deal with an estranged grandmother and my wedding. I'll try to keep this fairly concise...

 

Four years ago (at the age of 84) my grandmother separated from my grandfather (he was 87). Her reasonings were fairly childish, and she subsequently did and said some very nasty things to the family, leading her to essentially become estranged.

My sister is the only one who keeps in touch with her on a semi-regular basis, and only recently my father has resumed limited contact with her on special occasions (basically Christmas, her birthday, and Mother’s day). My aunt has neither seen nor spoken to her since 2008, and she is largely ignored by her siblings. I have not seen her or spoken with her directly since then, although I do respond to her emails.

I had tried to keep details of my personal life private from her, however, she has found out about my fiancé, and our upcoming wedding, and now I have 8 months to decide whether to extend an invitation to her.

My brother was married a few months after her separation, and did decide to invite her. She accepted, and attended the ceremony, but not the reception (her choice). This went over without too much fuss, as she was seated at the church away from the general family to avoid confrontation.

I do feel badly as she gets older that she has no contact with family, even though the reason is her own doing. But I also don't want to upset other family members by having her there. Personally, I feel that having her at the ceremony would be fine, but if she were to come to the reception it would ruffle too many feathers & cause conflict. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away a year ago, so I can’t ask his opinion or advice.

I'm wondering how I should handle this situation. Do I send her a full invite and hope that she declines the reecption part as she did with my brother? Do I invite her only to the ceremony (yes I know, generally considered tacky, but she would be thrilled to get any sort of invitation), or do I not invite her at all?

I know I still have months to decide what to do, but this has been weighing pretty heavily on me as we try to finalize our guest list. I'd appreciate anyone's opinions on how to handle this situation.

Calypso1977

i did not invite my grandparents to my wedding.  but, we were never close to them and at the time i married, i had not seen or spoken to them in 10 years (since my dad had died).  i honestly dont think either one would have wanted to be there since they never wanted much else to do with me or my sister (or my father, their son!).

KSerafin17

I have not talked to my dad's mother since I was about 10 years old or younger. I am now almost 27. My father does not talk to his siblings and has limited contact with his mother. They only speak on his birthday (when she remembers to call) or Christmas (when he calls her). I did not want to invite her to my wedding, because she truly means nothing to me. However, my father still would like for her to come or at least recieve an invitation. I am going to extend the invitation, for his sake, but she willl not be recognized as my grandmother, will not receive a corsage and will not sit with my mother's mom in reserved seating at the church. She will be a guest, at my father's request and that is that.

I would talk to which ever parent whos mother this is and see what they would like to do. In the end, it will not matter if she is there or not to you, but it may matter to your parent. Weddings are once in a lifetime things, and you would hate to look back and say "I should have done this differently..."

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-estranged-relative-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7d94456-c853-407d-8f7d-d5e8c330a7aaPost:438784e4-87dc-435d-ad7a-6c9e1d68d9b7">Re: What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations : What if the reason for the divorce is that grandma had an affair with someone else's daddy?  Does she still get an invite then?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Took the words right out of my mouth.

</div>

ashleymjo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-estranged-relative-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7d94456-c853-407d-8f7d-d5e8c330a7aaPost:71e34809-9632-452a-8a8a-d33e5b53fb23">Re: What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite her.  I am certain that all the family are mature enough to be civil to her for one day at a social function for your sake.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>To be honest, yes I think (hope) they would be civil, but I also think if she were to come to the reception and stay, they (including my mother, and my aunt) would very likely leave as soon as the dinner is finished. Which is why I have a such a dilemma over the whole situation :(</div>

ashleymjo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-estranged-relative-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7d94456-c853-407d-8f7d-d5e8c330a7aaPost:1cc6df00-def6-4424-892d-8a743975475e">Re: What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite her.  If the reasons for the divorce are, in your opinion childish, I would suggest either you do not have all the facts or GM is in early stages of dementia.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>We were actually in the process of trying to get her mental competency tested, based on some of the things she was saying (that her internet chat friends were telling her she should say) ... but unfortunately my grandfather didn't want to put her through that stress, and he was the only one who could request it without a huge legal to-do</div><div>
</div><div>This was part of the reasoning behind my brother inviting her to his wedding - he was worried if down the road she was deemed to be mentally unfit, then he would have felt bad for not including her.</div>

ashleymjo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-estranged-relative-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b7d94456-c853-407d-8f7d-d5e8c330a7aaPost:b1720b25-0335-4a8f-b44e-5673b215e4fd">Re: What to do about estranged grandmother & invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I would talk to which ever parent whos mother this is and see what they would like to do. In the end, it will not matter if she is there or not to you, but it may matter to your parent. Weddings are once in a lifetime things, and you would hate to look back and say "I should have done this differently..."
Posted by KSerafin17[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think my dad will have an issue with her being there... he's good at being diplomatic towards people even if he's not pleased to be around them. It's other close family members that I worry about who still want nothing to do with her. They can definitely ignore her, but my GM is quite good at making sure everyone knows she's in the room...</div><div>
</div><div>I'm wondering if I should send her a full invite (to not be rude), but have my dad or my sister hint that coming to the reception may not be the most appropriate? GM keeps saying to anyone who listesns that eventually "we'll all get over it" and I'm worried that she'd show up and try to act like nothing ever happened. Then there's the dilemma of where to sit her, as the family tables would be out of the question. </div><div>
</div><div>Additionally... GM now has a "partner" who would absolutely not be welcome at the wedding for a number of reasons. How can I politely make sure she understands this? Should I just be blunt and say outright it in one of my emails?</div>