Wedding Etiquette Forum

Friend from Far.

In a nutshell, I mesed up when picking my bridal party....I wanted to include a close friend from another country (MR) but both my mom and my fi said she'd feel obligated to come and she prob wdn't come any way (at one point she said she might not be able to make it)....not to mention that we talk less now since she is in another country.... MR is traveling from another continent to the wedding (which I am really excited about except now I feel like crap for not putting her into the wdg in the first place).  My FMIL keeps saying that I should have asked MR to be in it, but I don't think that she would feel honored.

Re: Friend from Far.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_seeking-reassurance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8cd3856-b58d-4608-ab89-68346a7196a3Post:f61fe892-7c7e-402a-9584-21c731d16a55">Re: seeking reassurance....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to seeking reassurance.... : Nope.  I think replacing a bridesmaid makes the replacement feel like crap. Would you like to be asked just because someone else dropped out?  Even if that is not the case, that is what it seems like.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    That's exactly what I said to her!  I mean obviously I made a mistake in the first place but rather than correcting it I think I'd be making a whole totally separate and new mistake if I did that...was snippy to FMIL about it...anyway it's way too late now to be discussing what I should have done in the past.
  • Be reassured.  You're right.  It'd be really sh*tty to be a replacement and it is not appropriate etiquette-wise.
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  • I'm having a somewhat similar issue. Three of my BM's are coming in from another state, one of which is my sister who continually tells me she will try her hardest to make it but is as of yet unsure (with only 5 months to go) and the only BM that lives near me (isn't my friend she's my FI's friend and I felt sort of obligated to include her) is now pregnant and is due just four short weeks after the wedding. I am in constant fear I will go from four BM's to just two and then what am I going to do? So I am taking it one day at a time and hoping everything turns out okay. I'm am fairly sure that the people that keep asking you about replacing your fallen BM are hoping you will ask them to step up. I would ask the friend you originally wanted to ask and explain why you didn't ask sooner. Don't just say "Hey I'm a girl short you want in". She might not feel honored about being your second pick, but at least she got picked at all.
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  • how long have you known she's coming?  i would totally ask her.  and i would explain, that you didn't want to ask her because you didn't want her to feel obligated to come to the wedding. 

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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    Miss
    Mrs & ZOMG we built a howse!
    being healthy. blog.
  • I only new it was definite in april/may but at that point the bachelorette party and shower had already been planned...i didn't send invites bc i knew she would be unable to make it and didn't want her feel obligated to send something for  shower that i knew it would be impossible for her to attend...she wouldn't have really been a "replacement" per se since she was the person i wanted to have in the wedding but did not b/c i didn't listen to my instincts...still everyone knows who the wp is....wouldn't want her to think she was an afterthought
  • i would explain it to her.  and tell her that you wanted her in your BP, but the reason you didn't ask her was so that she wouldn't feel obligated. 

    maybe i wouldn't ask her.  but i would tell her what's up and why you didn't.  and then finish it with "i'm just SO glad you're coming!"  let her enjoy the day as a guest. 

    i've seen at weddings where the B&G get the MC to recognize everyone that came from far.  they would thank everyone, and then kind of give a shout out.  i thought it was sweet when my friend did that cause we drove like 8 hours to go to her wedding.  so maybe you can do that... IDK.  i would defintely tell her your initial plan.  i'm sure she'd understand. 

    my GF didn't ask me ot be in hers but she pulled me aside when we were hanging out and she told me why (she has 2 sisters, and only wanted a few BMs).  i appreciated the gesture.  she then invited me to stay in the bridal suite the night before because she wanted me to be part of that stuff.  so really i was an honourary bridesmaid without the expensive dress and shoes and stuff :)  best of both worlds, IMO.

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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    Miss
    Mrs & ZOMG we built a howse!
    being healthy. blog.
  • Does she really need to know that she is a "replacement"? I mean.... fact is, you wanted her in the wedding party to begin with and went behind your better judgement to listen to people. If you really want her there, I don't think it can hurt to skype her and let her know how much you wanted to ask her to be in the wedding party, but didn't want you to feel pressured to HAVE to travel all that way to come. Now that you know she is (with no pressure from yourself) you would absolutely LOVE for her to stand up with you on your wedding day, as a close and dear friend. She doesn't need to know a single thinga bout being a replacement. I don't even understand why you would consider her that, when you wanted her there in the first place.
  • You are absoltely right not to replace the BM that dropped out.  However, I think you would be fine to ask this girl to be a BM now that she is coming.  As Mandy said, you can tell her the only reason you didn't ask her in the first place is because you didn't want her to feel pressured to come.  It doesn't matter that the shower and the bachelorette are already planned.  All that she would need to do is stand next to you on your wedding day; not as a replacement, but as your good friend.

    If you don't want to do that though, then you're totally fine to just keep her as a guest. 
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  • I think you have to listen to your heart in these situations.  I agree with other PPs that if you don't do it as a replacement, but rather a "Now, that I know you are coming, I really want to ask you, I just didn't want to make you feel like you HAD to travel so far" is good.  But if you have other reservations (which it sounds like you do), then you really know better than us.
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