Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4

richterem7

My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year planning a wedding for August of 2013. His younger brother got engaged last week and JUST set his date for July. Do you think he is overstepping his boundaries by placing it before ours considering the short timeline? AND also now I have had a few days planned to get my brdiesmaids dresses fitted and even a wedding shower planned to accommadate his family, and his mother has now made them all joint days. For example, a shower for the both of us and the bridesmaids day for me is now a big day to find her a dress. 

How do I express that I am upset about this? I am supposed to be excited and as selfish as it sounds these are supposed to be days about me, and now I have to share everything I have worked so hard for to make their day possible in the timeline.

What do I do? Or how do I explain how I am feeling politely?

GoodLuckBear14

I think that unless he has already booked his venue and all of the vendors, you don't have anything to get worked up about.

kmmssg

Let FMIL know you would prefer the shopping be done on different days.  Decline the shower if you don't want it.  If they don't have plans on the move and money going down on deposits this may be a non-issue.

richterem7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:7e61a4c2-ccdc-4be7-ba23-7ea0e6d5b9fd">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that unless he has already booked his venue and all of the vendors, you don't have anything to get worked up about.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>They've already started booking things, so I think they are set on it. However, they werent the ones to tell us their planned date, my father-in-law-to-be had to do..</div>

MoonlightSilver

First of all, you can turn down any joint activities if you don't like them. Plan a day with your bridesmaids, and either don't invite your FSIL along or if she IS a bridesmaid, ask her to focus on your event for that day.

As for having his wedding before your's? Not a big deal at all. You get one day. This isn't a rush to get married. No one will think less of you for getting married a month after him. 

NOLAbridealmost

You have no right to get upset about their date. You can decline the joint shower, but you risk the host not offering to throw you your own. I have no idea why the bridesmaids dress fittings involve you or your MIL at all. They can get those altered on their own. Now for YOUR fitting, you are within your rights to not invite MIL or FSIL if it would upset you for her to start shopping around that day. That's understandably annoying. Just invite your own mother, best friend and call it a day.

Jessa1404

I don't think it's a big deal that your brother set his date a month before yours.  Technically, you just get one special day, not a month.  However, I would be upset about all this pre-wedding event sharing business.  I'm surprised your future SIL is OK with sharing her wedding dress shopping with your bridesmaid dress shopping and having a joint shower with you.  Have you talked to her about it?  Maybe you can present a united front to your families.  If not, I would probably show up at her wedding dress day and smile politely.  Then, I would reschedule the bridesmaid dress day for another time that just "happened to be more convenient for the bridesmaids."  Who is throwing the shower?  Etiquette-wise, I don't think you're allowed to complain about it, but if the person throwing it is someone you're close to, I don't see anything wrong with sharing your concerns politely and in private.  

ETA: sorry, reading fail.  I thought it was your brother, not his brother.  I would say tread carefully with the in-laws.  Is anyone on your side of the family thinking about throwing you the shower?  If so, I would definitely decline the joint-shower.  You don't need two.

McRogol

Rather than be bothered by it, enjoy it!  My cousin got engaged 3 weeks after me and set her wedding date 2 weeks before mine.  And we're both super excited to be planning weddings at teh same time.  Not only is helpful to have a family member to talk to about things like guest lists, etc, but it's fun!!  No one enjoys wedding talk as much as brides and I've loved having a family member who feels the same as I do.  We constantly exchange emails and talk on the phone about wedding things - we've also shared vendor info and have helped each other out immensely by taking the lead on researching things like stylists, transporation, and florists.  

I think you need to change your perspective.  

McRogol

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:877b149a-babf-4716-88bc-733709ec2f1a">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]McR, I think the issue is that the FMIL is trying to force togetherness on the prospective SILs.  I do not think forcing friendships ever works. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I completely agree with you that forcing friendships is not a good idea...</div><div>
</div><div>I got a different perspective from the OP - that she was upset about not getting all the attention and having to share the spotlight.  </div>

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:877b149a-babf-4716-88bc-733709ec2f1a">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]McR, I think the issue is that the FMIL is trying to force togetherness on the prospective SILs.  I do not think forcing friendships ever works. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]



Or maybe she just wants to save money and time by knocking out two bridal shore shopping trips and two showers at one time?

lyndausvi

No they are not overstepping their bounds.  They get a day, you get a day.

However, MIL is overstepping the bounds by now making everything joint.   That is ridiculous.    I would definitely separate the shopping days.  There is no reason to combine the two.

The shower is a little tricker.  I'm assuming this shower is just his side of of the family right?  You can decline, but I think you will just look bad.  His family wants to give you both a shower, but logistically 2 showers within the same family can be a burden on people's time.  Especially with both weddings being in the summer, people have plans.  I think you will look better to the family by allowing the joint shower.  Hopefully your side of the family is also having a shower so you will still get one with just you.  

If the shower is a joint shower of his family, hers and yours.  Then no, that is also ridiculous.

nextrightthing

I totally understand why you are upset, but like PPs said, there is nothing you can do about it.  You can decline the joint invitations if you want.

Just concentrate on your wedding and let them concentrate on theirs.

MrsGandthebeag

The year we got married there were 4 (including ours) family weddings within 3 months.  It all worked, we're all really married, and there is no problem.  So, this is a mute point.  

I do however agree with you that your future MIL encouraging this joint stuff boarders on the ridiculous.  I would suggest you get your FI's brother's FI's phone number and talk to her.  She probably doesn't want to share these dates with you either.  A joint shower to me seems like a sh#t show.  That would be a lot of people with different friends, how do you keep the gifts straight, do guests have to watch the two of you open gifts for 3 hours, do you trade off, one opens one and then the other?    

AddieCake

If you let yourself get upset over it, it will only darken your enjoyment of planning your own wedding. I would decline all the joint gatherings, though. 

richterem7

Thank you everyone for your input. I think a lot of it is just the initial shock of trying organize everything so everyone can make it to each of our events and everything. A lot of the issues lies financially with the in-laws. They comitted to giving us money, which we have not gotten and were told they wouldnt be able to help until July due to financial circumstances, however now with it his brother getting married, and prior to us, his wedding took priority over ours, so I am stressed over the financial part that we wont receive help from them at all. The costs for the wedding have been primarily on my parents and my fiance and my shoulders, which would be okay except that his parents had already committed to us. I am just not sure how to feel about all of it I suppose.

PreDempsey

The last thing you want to do is stamp your feet and throw a fit about it, take the high road.
You have an opportunity to see what people like an dislike at their wedding and make yours EVEN better.

nicoleandersonmd

I can understand why you are upset despite the fact that it is different. I have been the sympathetic ear to two close girlfriends now with pseudo-similar stories and they were very upset even though they knew they only had one day. So I do feel, from experience, that part of the reason your upset is because you kind of feel like it does take something away from you....and you may feel like it was intentional, which only adds to being upset. My two friends experiences with this were different, and I honestly did feel that one had the right to be a bit upset, but the other did not. 1. Our friends had been together for about 5 years, but had been friends before offcially dating for about 4 years. The male and his brother are very close (we are friends with the brother also), but the brother has a bit of sibling rivalry. So, the guy A planned a proposal to his GF of 5 years for about 6 months ahd shared all of his plans with his brother -including that it was going to be at dinner time. Well, on the very early afternoon Guy A planned to propose, his mother called him super excited as brother has JUST proposed to his GF of one year and she had said yes. Guy A was super bothered by this, but his plans to propose that evening couldnot be changed (and brother had known this). So he did, she said yes and they set the date for early September. After told everyone their date, brother and his FI set their date for exactly 2 months ahead of time. Of note, the two women did not like each other as one prceived the other as snobby. The brother FI (one perceived as snobby) made passive aggressive comments to/about the first woman all the way through the process-including at the first woman's rehearsal dinner. She commented how expensive her wedding own wedding was, how clichè/childish/stupid some of first girls plans were. She even refused to even show the first girl her own wedding dress because "it was far more expensive then first girl could ever afford, and she did not want to make first girl feel bad". So, I did feel that the first girl had a right to be upset for many reasons. Buttttt..... 2. Close friend and FI have been together for 3 years, got engaged a year ago and are getting married in September. Her brother and his FI have been together for 1.5 years and got engaged about 3 months ago. His FI is one of my friends bridesmaids and they get along well. Now, brother and FI originally set their date in October, but just a week or two ago, brother and his FI moved their wedding to this July stating "they wanted to start having kids sooner", which made me giggle. Haha. But my friend is FURIOUS!! Very very upset. I do not think she has a right to be.... Now as for the conjoint shopping days, just say No and do it on different days. No biggie. I think most can understand not wanting to do it on the same days. As per the conjoint shower, I do get that. But like someone else said, if its really for his side of the family, you will likely look pretty bad if you refuse. But that's your decision. So, to answer your questions less allegorically.... You cannot express how upset you are to anyone other than your FI and maybe some close friends. If you being upset is relayed in anyway to brother, brother's FI or FI's family, you will look petty and ungracious. You may need to share one day (the shower) with someone else; but your wedding day, which I presume is what you speak if when you say "share something that I worked so hard for", will not be shared. As per the money, they will likely only be able to give you half of what they originally thought they could. Fortunately, its early enough before your wedding that you can make some changes.

nicoleandersonmd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:4754987c-2427-4504-aace-b607b3ea2f41">Re:Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us 4 months from now</a>:
[QUOTE]When H and I got engaged, we set our date literally that night because we had 2 possible dates that would work over the next 2 years. You get one day, and while it sucks that your inlaws may not contribute what they were planning to, that is not your FBIL's fault.

We always tell brides not to count on money from others until it is in their hands, and this is why. Finances change, and it sucks but it is life. It could have happened for any number of reasons, it just happens in this case to be linked to another wedding.

I WOULD decline the joint shopping days, I think that is overstepping, but I would accept the joint shower to keep from insulting your ILs. Many brides don't get a shower at all, so while I can understand not liking sharing one, I think it's a bit selfish to say "pay for an entirely separate party just for me".
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



All this.

NYCMercedes

I'm wondering about the other girl and her parents, too, especially as to the shopping trips. FMIL has all these plans for dresses for girls that are not her daughters and not her bridesmaids. That seems strange. OP, your plan to talk to the other bride sure resonates with me. Maybe she's as PO'd as you. As others have said, if the joint shower is for his side of the family, smile and go along with it. As far as sharing your spotlight, that's unfortunate, but vent only here and not to his family or friends.

MsYeck

I'm guessing the other bride knows nothing of these plans. What does the bridal salon say. Most consultants wouldn't be able to handle a bride and her bridesmaids as well as the other bridal party's at the same time and stil deal with MIL on both.

allychase

I'd be pissed about a joint shower too. It's like, yeah you get one day but a bridal shower is supposed to be a party for the bride and shower her with gifts for her home, not for her and her future sister in law who also happens to be getting married. How annoying would it be to watch TWO brides open two separate piles of gifts, not to mention guests having to buy two presents at the same time, which may not work for some people. Your FMIL sounds ridiculous and needs to take a step back. Like PP have said she has no say in joint shopping or alterations days, she's not paying for anything and certainly can't tell YOU when to get your BM together for a day convenient for her. Also what about the brides mother? From what I understand this is your FBILs FI? I have a hard time believing the women in her family are ok with her future FMIL taking control of the shower and shopping days within a few weeks of her getting engaged. Your FMIL has some control issues

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:59a03970-f1c8-41dd-8ce4-3860fa405933">Re:Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us 4 months from now</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'd be pissed about a joint shower too. It's like, yeah you get one day but a bridal shower is supposed to be a party for the bride and shower her with gifts for her home, not for her and her future sister in law who also happens to be getting married. How annoying would it be to watch TWO brides open two separate piles of gifts, not to mention guests having to buy two presents at the same time, which may not work for some people</strong>.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

I see your point. 

However,   It appears that this shower is for IL's side only and It's being hosted by MIL. (although it's not been confirmed).    So reality is there are 2 family weddings a month apart.  The family is going to have to buy 2 shower gifts anyway.  As the host she is well within her "rights" to have a combined shower for her side of the family for her FDILs.

Now the OP can decline.  But is that really smart?  It appears that the shower is already been tentatively planned.  MIL does not really have a choice but to throw a shower for the other FDIL. Can't really have one and not the other, especially when the weddings are so close?    I don't know her financial situations, but that can be costly.  Plus the entire guest list in theory would be the exact same people.  If either FDIL declines and the other still has the shower people are going to wonder why there was not a shower or the other FDIL.    "Because she doesn't want to share the spotlight" is not going to shed a positive light on the situation. Plus I would like to think the OP would attend the FDIL's shower.  How awkward would that be?

The situation does suck.   Declining at this point just will make the OP look like a brat. The other FDIL declining would also.  

    

BubblyBride75

This happened to my friend, her brother and his FI had already been engaged with date set and everything when she found out she was pregnant. She and her then BF set their date for a month earlier than brother's because she didn't want to be huge for her wedding. Her FSIL was not happy about any of it (not being the first to get married or have the first baby - to the point she suggested my friend should get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption - BSC). 

They had a joint shower for just my friends family. I attended and it was actually a lot of fun to have both brides. They turned some of the games into a friendly competition between the brides. Gift opening was not terrible, I think one girl went first and opened all of her gifts before the other girl. The host had pretty boxes for each girl to put her gifts in so that they didn't get mixed up. And the guests played BINGO so we were entertained. My friend's FSIL was the type that wanted to be the center of attention all day and she was, having another bride there definitely didn't keep her out of the spotlight. I also think it made it a little less awkward for everyone because most of the guests had only met SIL once so having 2 people to share the focus made it a little more comfortable. Maybe do a little research on activities for joint showers and if you find a good website point your FMIL to it. But the point is, with a positive attitude, joint showers can be just as much fun, if not more.

The joint shopping trip sounds like a disaster though, I agree with PPs on declining that one.

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:3203a6e0-fc0c-47a2-9506-cf612db97c7c">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]The year we got married there were 4 (including ours) family weddings within 3 months.  It all worked, we're all really married, and there is no problem.  So, this is a mute point.   I do however agree with you that your future MIL encouraging this joint stuff boarders on the ridiculous.  I would suggest you get your FI's brother's FI's phone number and talk to her.  She probably doesn't want to share these dates with you either.  A joint shower to me seems like a sh#t show.  That would be a lot of people with different friends, how do you keep the gifts straight, do guests have to watch the two of you open gifts for 3 hours, do you trade off, one opens one and then the other?    
Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm starting to yawn at the thought of watching 2 brides (especially if I don't know one) open all of their gifts. Super boring! I agree with seeing if you can brainstorm some ideas with FSIL. 

</div>

ciligirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:ad5c26ee-96db-4da9-b97c-b93759d26516">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]This happened to my friend, her brother and his FI had already been engaged with date set and everything when she found out she was pregnant. She and her then BF set their date for a month earlier than brother's because she didn't want to be huge for her wedding. <strong>Her FSIL was not happy about any of it (not being the first to get married or have the first baby - to the point she suggested my friend should get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption - BSC).</strong>  They had a joint shower for just my friends family. I attended and it was actually a lot of fun to have both brides. They turned some of the games into a friendly competition between the brides. Gift opening was not terrible, I think one girl went first and opened all of her gifts before the other girl. The host had pretty boxes for each girl to put her gifts in so that they didn't get mixed up. And the guests played BINGO so we were entertained. My friend's FSIL was the type that wanted to be the center of attention all day and she was, having another bride there definitely didn't keep her out of the spotlight. I also think it made it a little less awkward for everyone because most of the guests had only met SIL once so having 2 people to share the focus made it a little more comfortable. Maybe do a little research on activities for joint showers and if you find a good website point your FMIL to it. But the point is, with a positive attitude, joint showers can be just as much fun, if not more. The joint shopping trip sounds like a disaster though, I agree with PPs on declining that one.
Posted by BubblyBride75[/QUOTE]

Please tell me that is not true.  And she had a joint shower with that woman!  I seriously am sick to my stomach. 

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:87ef05e8-655b-4a41-a68b-0429209169db">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your input. I think a lot of it is just the initial shock of trying organize everything so everyone can make it to each of our events and everything. A lot of the issues lies financially with the in-laws.<strong> They comitted to giving us money, which we have not gotten and were told they wouldnt be able to help until July due to financial circumstances, however now with it his brother getting married, and prior to us, his wedding took priority over ours, so I am stressed over the financial part that we wont receive help from them at all. The costs for the wedding have been primarily on my parents and my fiance and my shoulders, </strong>which would be okay except that his parents had already committed to us. I am just not sure how to feel about all of it I suppose.
Posted by richterem7[/QUOTE]

You're lucky you're parents are even helping. Nobody is responsible to pay for your wedding except you and your FI. Even if your FILs told you they would help you, dont count on it until they actually give you the money. If they decide to not help you and help his brother instead, oh well. Its really not your business. As for the joint shower, you can decline.

BubblyBride75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:da0da151-63e0-48f4-89e2-b899663c9dc3">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now) : Please tell me that is not true.  And she had a joint shower with that woman!  I seriously am sick to my stomach. 
Posted by ciligirl[/QUOTE]

<div>It might not have been as bad as I made it sound, her response to finding out my friend was pregnant were 1) You told me I could be the first one to have a baby! 2) Well are you going to keep it? My friend and her husband had already discussed when they were planning on getting engaged and married prior to the pregnancy so it's not like he was some random guy. SIL also showed up to the shower in a floor length gown. The shower was held in my friend's grandparents barn/garage. So OP, if you really want to be the center of attention that is always an option, trust me everyone there will be talking about you for a long time.</div>

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:31304546-500b-4834-b3ea-566d92e1c49a">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now) : I think this is a little unfair.  No one is responsible for paying for OP's wedding, but that doesn't mean that she can't be frustrated by the fact that the money was offered, OP accepted and then the parents went back on what they said. The fact that the offer has been rescinded so they can give it to the brother instead just adds insult to injury. It would be one thing if the parents just didn't have it, but the fact that they do and have chosen to take money promised to one son's wedding and give it to the other would frustrate me too. If I offer to do something, I follow through and do it. I realize I can't count on others to do the same, but I feel like I'm within my rights to be annoyed if they flake out.  I also think you're missing how these are all compounding factors leading to the OP's frustration. The MIL has made OP's shower a joint shower, hijacked OP's BM dress shopping day AND gone back on her offer to help financially. If it was just one thing I'd be a little annoyed, all three together and I'd be pissed.  
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

Yeah it does suck that her parents went back on what they said, and you're right, I would be frustrated also. So, yes OP does have a reason to be upset, but theres not much she can do about it other than continue to plan her wedding without the help of her parents. It sucks, and I really do feel bad that she is in this situation, but all she can do is continue to plan without their money. Maybe my first post couldve been worded differently.
OP, sorry this has happened to you, but dont let it get you down and ruin the experience. Go over your budget and see what you can do to be able to pay for the wedding yourself, since your parents have gone back on their offer. As far as the joining of events, you really can just politely decline as other PPs have said.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engaged-last-year-wedding-in-august-brother-engaged-last-week-set-wedding-for-a-month-before-us-4-months-from-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b92bfe93-5d88-4881-9d07-f34257c89a4fPost:8a8995a9-de5c-49d8-ba0e-d573202bcd92">Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged last year wedding in August, Brother Engaged last week set wedding for a month before us (4 months from now) : Yeah it does suck that her parents went back on what they said, and you're right, I would be frustrated also. So, yes OP does have a reason to be upset, but theres not much she can do about it other than continue to plan her wedding without the help of her parents. It sucks, and I really do feel bad that she is in this situation, but all she can do is continue to plan without their money. Maybe my first post couldve been worded differently. OP, sorry this has happened to you, but dont let it get you down and ruin the experience. Go over your budget and see what you can do to be able to pay for the wedding yourself, since your parents have gone back on their offer. As far as the joining of events, you really can just politely decline as other PPs have said.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

This.   That said, I don't think you're in any way required to accept "joint" occasions from her, although declining them will probably mean getting nothing from her at all.  I'm sorry your FMIL reneged on you and is being such a jerk.

MuppetOverlord

Years ago on TK, there was a post from a bride who's mother was trying to make it so that she and her sister got married at the same time to save the family money. That was ridiculous and hurtful.

That's not what's happening in your case. You will still have your separate wedding and spotlight.  Perhaps your family or bridal party can take over the shower planning so that FMIL doesn't get a say on the date.

I went to 3 weddings in July one year. Each wedding was memorable and different and special. Yours will be too.