Wedding Etiquette Forum

While we're talking about gifts...

Like a lot of people here, I was kind of surprised that a number of friends on both our sides didn't show up with a card or gift.  Well, it was less thank you notes and we were just thrilled that they were there so no big deal. 

One of these friends is getting married in June.  She's a friend, but not a bff type.  I know that the right thing to do is spend the amount I always spend on a friend of this level of closeness, but there's a little voice in the back of my mind being a spiteful little b.  I guess at the end of the day maybe I am a little bitter about spending money on someone for an occasion they wouldn't spend the money on me for.  I know that you're never obligated to get someone a gift, but I think at the end of the day I just can't show up empty handed.  Would it be super rude of me to just spend $20 on a picture frame or something like that?  Or at that point would just making sure it's a really heartfelt card be better?  

Re: While we're talking about gifts...

  • I'm not really sure what to vote, because I don't care what you spend, but I feel like you should at least pick something off the registry.
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  • orawah878orawah878 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_while-were-talking-about-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b9c62795-448d-4bcf-93a2-6bf7ec2c259bPost:75c840bf-bc79-4fa7-9297-b4f4927ab82a">Re: While we're talking about gifts...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not really sure what to vote, because I don't care what you spend, but I feel like you should at least pick something off the registry.
    Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh sorry I forgot to mention that they don't have a registry.  At least not yet that I'm aware of.  I asked her in an e-mail once and she didn't respond.  So I assume they want cash? </div>
  • I think it's always better to be the bigger person - get her a gift and don't be a b.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_while-were-talking-about-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b9c62795-448d-4bcf-93a2-6bf7ec2c259bPost:500e379e-be77-4aa7-974f-b00b2adbd813">Re: While we're talking about gifts...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: While we're talking about gifts... : Oh sorry I forgot to mention that they don't have a registry.  At least not yet that I'm aware of.  I asked her in an e-mail once and she didn't respond.  So I assume they want cash? 
    Posted by orawah878[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would continue to ask around. If no registry, in this case, I would likely go for the picture frame. </div>
  • A friend of mine did a really small gift (like really small) so as her wedding is coming up right behind mine I am using some deals to access her a more expensive gift but for about the same price. I am taking into consideration that 1) she is moving out of state so not wanting to lug a bunch and 2) what her and her fiance are going to learn to do together once they live together.

    Take an intrest she has and buy something towards that (baking ect). Worst case by some nice wine glasses. I would appreciate those myself I own ONE I got for Christmas and drink wine like multiple times a week haha
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_while-were-talking-about-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b9c62795-448d-4bcf-93a2-6bf7ec2c259bPost:500e379e-be77-4aa7-974f-b00b2adbd813">Re: While we're talking about gifts...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: While we're talking about gifts... : Oh sorry I forgot to mention that they don't have a registry.  At least not yet that I'm aware of.  I asked her in an e-mail once and she didn't respond.  So I assume they want cash? 
    Posted by orawah878[/QUOTE]

    Oh ok. Yeah, probably they want cash. I think either way, spend what you normally would or don't, it doesn't really matter.
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  • It's refreshing to read someone being really honest about this sort of thing on the boards. Most girls go on and on and on about how it doesn't matter at all about the gifts, pretending they don't even notice if someone doesn't buy a gift, etc., etc. I don't think these sentiments reflect the real world.

    Obviously it's a bit annoying to feel you're supposed to shell out $200 when the person spent $0 on you. Obviously. You're not crazy for feeling this way.

    I think you'll feel better in the end if you take the high road and get them something. But considering we're in reality and not some la-la land where everyone is angelic and saintly... You really don't need to spend as much as you ordinarily would. I'd go maybe a bit more than $20 (I spend more on friends' birthday presents) but you don't need to get them a full-on place setting or something $100 or more!
  • I voted spend what you always do, but I was actually in this exact same situation last summer and we did give a little less than we would have otherwise-- like, 20% less, not 50%. Part of me also wanted to not give them anything or something small, but they were (are) actually close friends so we sucked it up. On the plus side, it seemed to remind them that they never gave us anything so they gave us a gift a month later :) 
  • I think a card with a nice note and a small but thoughtful gift would be nice.  I know that gifts aren't "tit-for-tat" ....but chances are they didn't buy you a gift because they couldn't afford it, and spending a lot on them could make them feel uncomfortable.  A nice picture frame is always good, but if you know about their specific interests that maybe go with that (cookbook with a few utensils?)
    DSC_9275
  • Whenever I'm faced with a situation like this (I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes!), I try to tell myself: Don't let someone else's behavior affect my morals/standards.  And I think you would feel better, at the end of the day, being the bigger person.  So, IMHO, spend what you can afford.
  • I think that you should just spend what you can afford on the gift.  If that's not much, that's completely fine. 

    Give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she didn't get you a gift because she really couldn't afford it.
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