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Should I feel bad...?

I invited only a few children (my family, OOT, and infants). I followed-up with one of the guests that didn't send me the RSVP card by the due date. Then she asked me "I can't bring my kids, right?" So I explained to her that I could not invite many of the kids. Her response was "Well then, I guess we'll only attend the ceremony but skip the reception. I don't think you need to count us in for the reception." I already feel bad that I couldn't invite every single kid, but her response made be feel even worse. Should I really feel bad about the fact that she's skipping the reception because I didn't invite her kids? Or am I just over analyzing this?
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Re: Should I feel bad...?

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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    Well... if you had absolutely no kids invited (or just those in your immediate family/wedding party) then I'd say "Nope.  You don't feel bad.  She had no right to make you feel guilty.  It's perfectly acceptable to not invite kids."

    But... you made exceptions for out of town and family kids, etc... There's going to be kids running around and your lines are no longer clear. 

    In the end, you made your choice and now you have to own it.  But, I do understand why it's a bit off putting to know that many kids are invited but not yours.
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    Don't feel bad. Some people just think their kids should be invited everywhere. Also, I doubt she was trying to make you feel bad. She probably just couldn't get a sitter for that long or something.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:69e258e6-3ede-42f8-b3b3-012615637d64">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE], and OOT guests can't be expected to travel without their kids.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    I strongly disagree with this as a blanket statement.
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    If she wanted to bring her kids she should have contacted you sooner to see if it was ok, not wait until you had to call her because she didn't send in an RSVP by the requested due date. I had one person who was having a hard time finding a sitter so they asked if they could bring their kids (this was within 2 weeks of receiving invite). They did end up finding a sitter so it all worked out. It was rude of her not to send in RSVP to start.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:e5d66e4b-e7a2-40ec-b5f2-846262a394e9">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : I strongly disagree with this as a blanket statement.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yup. </div><div>
    </div><div>My parents travelled without us regularly.  That's what grandparents are for (longer trips) and adult children of parents friends.  Heck, I stayed with my 15-16 year old cousin a couple of weekends when my aunt and uncle wanted an adult in the house while they were gone.  </div>
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:fd2d07b8-8a98-47f1-a930-b0bb374ae0ef">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : I should have been more clear. I'm of the opinion that if you want OOT guests to come, you should make it easy on them. It is not cheap and easy for people to find a sitter for a whole weekend, so by inviting OOT guests with their kids it makes it easier for them to travel. Sure, parents go places without their kids, but they might not want to use one of their few get away weekends on a wedding. I feel like a guest traveling 15 minutes should be able to understand why their kids weren't invited but the people from 8 hours away got to bring theirs.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    I don't disagree with you that making it easy is nice, but I don't think an out of town person should feel entitled to bring their children any more than an in town person should.

    I do stand by my statement that the lines are not clear in the OP's situation to me.  They could be quite clear to her so I'll ammend my answer.

    If the total amount of kids that could be invited is 75 and the OP has invited (in her wedding party/family/out of town kids rule) a total of 5, then have at it.  But, if her rule encompasses 70 out of 75 kids, then I think it sucks.  Does that make more sense?
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    minko1986minko1986 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:72a5bf80-c8ec-43d0-97b8-32497b5e03b2">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : I don't disagree with you that making it easy is nice, but I don't think an out of town person should feel entitled to bring their children any more than an in town person should. I do stand by my statement that the lines are not clear in the OP's situation to me.  They could be quite clear to her so I'll ammend my answer. If the total amount of kids that could be invited is 75 and the OP has invited (in her wedding party/family/out of town kids rule) a total of 5, then have at it.  But, if her rule encompasses 70 out of 75 kids, then I think it sucks.  Does that make more sense?
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>Of the 44 non-family and WT kids, I invited 6, of which 2 are under the age of 2, 1 is 3, and 3 are in elementary school.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:fd2d07b8-8a98-47f1-a930-b0bb374ae0ef">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : I should have been more clear. I'm of the opinion that if you want OOT guests to come, you should make it easy on them. It is not cheap and easy for people to find a sitter for a whole weekend, so by inviting OOT guests with their kids it makes it easier for them to travel. Sure, parents go places without their kids, but they might not want to use one of their few get away weekends on a wedding.<strong> I feel like a guest traveling 15 minutes should be able to understand why their kids weren't invited but the people from 8 hours away got to bring theirs.</strong>
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    <div>Liatris, I agree that they <em>should</em> be able to understand, but a lot of people <em>won't</em> understand when they come and see kids running around. In theory, OP can invite whomever she'd like, but I think the lines are blurred when she invites several types of children (family + out of town + infants) instead of having one hard and fast rule (i.e. no kids under 5 or only the WP kids). </div>
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    She probably just needs to get home to take care of the kids for the evening.  Just fact.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:381c76ae-7969-473e-b4f7-a22a54f55d78">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : Of the 44 non-family kids, I invited 6, of which 2 are under the age of 2, 1 is 3, and 3 are in elementary school.
    Posted by minko1986[/QUOTE]

    Yes, but how many family kids are there? 

    To me, family is a large word.  Did you just invite your sister's kids?  Or are we talking all your siblings have a brood plus all your cousins are bringing their triplets?

    I swear - I'm not trying to be a jerk; just get a handle on the situation.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:70949041-152c-4259-832b-256ab9985ec8">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : Yes, but how many family kids are there?  To me, family is a large word.  Did you just invite your sister's kids?  Or are we talking all your siblings have a brood plus all your cousins are bringing their triplets? I swear - I'm not trying to be a jerk; just get a handle on the situation.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    <div>Only siblings kids are invited.</div><div>
    </div><div>Family - 9</div><div>WP - 4</div><div>OOT - 6</div>
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:b4472763-17ff-45ae-bb2b-da7f8e0981b2">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : Only siblings kids are invited. Family - 9 WP - 4 OOT - 6
    Posted by minko1986[/QUOTE]

    Aha! 

    I think you're totally fine to not feel guilty :-)

    EDIT: I was picturing this woman walking into a room of forty kids (who all fell under family/wedding party/out of town) and being a bit indignant.  But, that's not going to be the case at all.  I know her response stings, but I dont' think you've done anything wrong.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:b4472763-17ff-45ae-bb2b-da7f8e0981b2">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : Only siblings kids are invited. Family - 9 WP - 4 OOT - 6
    Posted by minko1986[/QUOTE]

    <div>If you are inviting 19 kids already, and really want your friend there, I'd call her and tell her that you thought about it and she can bring them. </div>
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    I think she means family as in immediate family and I can understand including infants if it is a nursing mother or something like that. 
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    minko1986minko1986 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:b94c48be-d715-419c-9269-2d991ea8f91a">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : If you are inviting 19 kids already, and really want your friend there, I'd call her and tell her that you thought about it and she can bring them. 
    Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]

    <div>But then wouldn't I have to tell the other people and invite 38 other kids?</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:97bd3c33-2776-4dbc-9ebb-3472ef1c49f2">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I feel bad...? : But then wouldn't I have to tell the other people and invite 38 other kids?
    Posted by minko1986[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, I don't think so. You can either make a special exception for her like you did for OOT kids, or you can just leave things be with her just coming to the ceremony. I'm just saying if you want her there, I think it would be okay to give her an exception. It's not like there are just 2 kids at your wedding.  I think the lines just get blurry when you have so many kids coming. </div>
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-i-feel-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba1e64cf-c3ce-40c8-a792-7fa5e5931700Post:69e258e6-3ede-42f8-b3b3-012615637d64">Re: Should I feel bad...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, I don't think you should feel badly. Family kids and OOT kids makes sense to me. Family kids are family, and OOT guests can't be expected to travel without their kids.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    My parents attended OOT weddings without bringing me and my brother when we were kids.  Nobody "made it easy" for them.

    OP, I don't think you have to invite anyone's kids.  She should have realized that if you didn't list her kids on the ivnitation, they weren't invited.  It looks to me like she was trying to trap you into inviting them by claiming that she and her partner would just attend the ceremony.  Even if they did that, they wouldn't be welcome to bring their kids.
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    Thanks ladies--
    I think I'll just stick with the original plan and be done with it. Like many of you said, she just probably couldn't get a sitter or something. I'd just like to believe that she didn't intend anything. And she probably didn't, and I'm just overthinking this.
    I think everyone at my house is just being too emotional and over-reacting about everything right now. :(
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    OMG. It doesn't matter how many kids she invited. OP should not feel bad.
    While it's usually good to invite in circles (which OP did), you are never requird to invite someone's kids. Just like you're never required to invite some co-worker at your office you don't talk to that much. Same deal.

    Invite whichever kids you want to and whichever you don't (though spliting up families is tricky). You aren't breaking etiquette. The only thing is you do have to be understanding if someone decides not to come because of it.

    You can invite this gal's kids if you want to... but personally I wouldn't. Not when she didn't RSVP. Just tell her you'll miss her at the reception, but when you see her at the ceremony be incredibly gracious.
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    I don't think you should feel bad you sound very understanding and you handled it well
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    If they are local enough to travel to the ceremony, I feel like it's okay to expect them to get a babysitter long enough to cover the reception. My aunt and uncl will not be away from their kids period, and would not let anyone else babysit except until very recently, my mother and my grandmother (who are often at the events that they want to attend or is working and  my grandmother wont drive at night) so they missed out on things - a lot of things, and it's their ridiculous choice IMHO.
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