Am I totally out of line? Mother of the bride dress drama.

vickywood

The other week I sent my mother who lives in NC an email letting her know that I wanted to take her dress shopping soon and sent her a link to a store that has lots of beautiful gowns for mothers. I told her to go through the pictures and write down the ones she liked, so that when we find time to go to the store together (I live in NYC) it will be easier to find the dresses she likes.

Somehow my sister who lives in NC got involved and they started going dress shopping together at department stores. At first I thought it was ok, and figured it would be another way for her to get ideas of what the dress styles might look on her. I THOUGHT or HOPPED they were just looking. Today, they send me pictures of the dress my mother really likes after only trying on a few dresses and they wanted to buy it on the spot. For one, even though this dress does fit her body type well, I think she can find something better. The dress to me is boring and I want her to look stunning. But most of all, though I'm grateful that my sister is trying to be a big help, I wanted to be there experiencing this moment with my mother.

The bigist concern they had was time. But, if they plan to just buy it off the rack anyway, the wedding is not till June and we still have plenty of time to look.

Am I totally out of line to tell her not to get it and wait till I come down to NC?

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-totally-out-of-line-mother-of-bride-dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba39757f-d027-454d-b3a1-089c69dd4bdePost:94abc17e-0484-439c-a528-542605961b12">Re: Am I totally out of line? Mother of the bride dress drama.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am with OOT. I think dress shopping is important between bride and mother for the wedding.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

Definitely for the bridal dress shopping, but I never thought so for the MOB dress.  I mean, I looked a little online and sent my Mom links to dresses I thought she might like but I never dictated to her what store to go to or when or where she should shop for it.  In the end, she ended up borrowing a beautiful designer dress from her best friend and she loved it and looked beautiful. That's all that mattered. 

tlv204

Honestly it sounds like you made a specific list of dresses she could choose from and kind of made it sound like  a wedding chore that she was required to do to go shopping with you.  Whether or not that is actually the case, maybe she felt more relaxed shopping with your sister.  Anyway I understand wanting to go shopping with her, but yes it is out of line to ask her to wait until you get there.  She found a dress she likes, you don't have any right to tell her it's not good enough. 

At least she found one.  My mom bought her dress for our wedding 5 days beforehand; for a minute I thought she was going to show up nude.

eastunder1

I can totally appreciate that you are feeling a loss and sad over not getting to have this experience with her.  Thats understandable.  But remember that life doesn't go by a script.  Sh*t happens.  Roll with it.   They probably just intended to look and not buy anything but something she loved came along. 

As far as the fact she already found a dress she loves, roll with that too.  As long as it is an appropriate level of dressiness for the wedding, she can pick whatever she wants.  You don't have to love it either.  It matters that she loves it, not you.  Don't push your butthurt feelings about not being there onto her to make her give a dress she clearly wants to be "the dress."

thesuninherhead

I do not get why this is a big deal. Not in the slighest.

My sister went shopping with my mother for her dress for my wedding. I was happy she found something she liked. That was about the extent of my level of concern on the issue.

Rest assured that there's going to be plenty of moments of bonding between yourself and your mother around your wedding day. They'll probably go a lot smoother if you don't turn this ridiculousness into a drama between the two of you.

ggmae

I understand that you are upset that you weren't able to share in the experience with your mom, but it's something that you need to move on from. Like PP said, there will be other moments shared between just you and your mom - set aside some time with just her on your wedding day.

My mom ended up going shopping with my aunt and finding a dress w/ her. I was just thrilled that she had finally found a dress she loved, since she had been looking for so long.

LSandTT2010

I totally understand why you are upset! I am really close with my mother and would be highly upset if she bought a dress while I wasn't with her. I would just explain to your mother that it is bugging you and that you had hoped to have that "moment" with her. I know several of my friends who have gotten married were very excited to go with their mothers to purchase their dresses, for some people that is a really big deal and a bonding moment that you can't really get back.
I don't feel you are trying to control what dress she wears you are just wanting her to look perfect there is nothing wrong with that.

JessAndTrav

1. I do think that you're out of line. While I enjoyed spending time with my mom looking for her dress, it was really frustrating. Not being able to find things that she liked, things that fit her, etc. My mom isn't too conventional. She wears t-shirts from our local classic rock radio station's blood drives and loves Pink Floyd. She wasn't the mom that had the mom haircut and was president of the PTA. Finding something that was dressy enough that she didn't hate was a challenge.

Once we found something that she liked, I actually didn't really care for it, but so what? She's the one that had to wear it, not me. I was the one that purchased the outfit and I was happy as long as she was comfortable in it and it was flattering to her.

It can be an exciting experience, sure. But if she found it, then fine. Let her buy it and don't get bent out of shape. Learn to roll with the punches, because that's one of the easiest things to do.

2. Hopped = past tense of HOP. Hoped = past tense of HOPE.

sucrets4

I can understand being sad that you weren't able to go shopping with her, but you need to let it go.  You should be excited that she's excited to get a dress.  Heck, you should be thankful that your mom is still around!  It would be more of a slap in the face if you lived in the same place, but you don't.  You moved away and should understand some of the ramifications of that. 

Blusieme

Whether you have a great relationship w/ your sister or not, whether you are thankful that she took mom dress shopping or not, your mom is an adult and her own person.  

Imagine: if your mom found wedding dresses for you online & wanted you to try it on with her present, but you turned around and purchased a wedding gown up in NYC without her b/c you loved it.  You know where I'm going with this.  

Bottom line: Does this mom's dress issue rub you the wrong way, sure. But no one is hurt. Everyone is happy and healthy. heck you HAVE a mom - some brides do NOT. I think that's a bigger heartbreak. Focus your energy on other wedding items. You will have other bride & mother of bride memories. You can let this one go. :-) 

FutureMrsTR

Maybe you could take your mother shopping for her accessories?  Then you can have your moment and your mom can have her dress.  Have her bring the dress and help her find a bitchin' pair of shoes to go with it or something.

Just Jen

My mom also bought her dress without me. I was kinda bummed, since I wanted to just share that day with her. But she was really worried about finding something, so she started early and found "the one" pretty quickly.

In the end, I only care  that she's happy with her dress, though it would've been nice to ooh and ahhh over her a bit

Sheri Ruth

I would think it would be more important that your mother feel stunning inside than wear a stunning dress by your definition. The truth is, if she feels fantastic in the dress she bought and is radiantly happy for her daughter, no dress you pick out is going to do more than that for her appearance. Often the simplest dresses wind up looking the most elegant anyway, as they allow the person to shine more than the clothing.