Wedding Etiquette Forum

Am I wrong to feel so bad about this?

I was recently married last fall. A couple weeks before Christmas, my husband's older brother "John" proposed to his gf "becky." We found out that he wanted to propose in June and she is an awesome gal. When we knew of his intentions, we wanted to put Becky in our wedding, but I had already picked my bridesmaids the winter before. A bridemaid dropped out of my wedding last minute and Becky took her spot, and I was very happy to have her in my wedding.
On Christmas day, she asked my sister-in-law (who was also in my wedding) to be a bridemaid. John asked my husband and their brother to be best man and groomsman. Thus, my husband's entire family is in the wedding party except me. I am sitting there trying to be nice and understanding, but really I want to punch her in the face, because the entire holiday she was giving me the cold shoulder and now I know why.
I want to understand but this whole situation makes me feel that in my brother-in-law and his fiance's eyes that I am not part of my husband's family. And what makes me the most frustrated is ever since John proposed, Becky has shown her dark side and is being incredibly rude to my husband and his brother.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Re: Am I wrong to feel so bad about this?

  • If she's "shown her dark side" maybe it's best you're not in the WP period. Sounds like a bridezilla in the making, consider yourself lucky. I do understand your feelings of being left out of your Hubby's fam tho. Me and SO have been together the longest out of all his siblings and I was left out of his sisters WP who im close with, which everyone was a little baffled by. Count your blessings tho, your not obligated to be standing next to someone like that and attend all the showers ect...
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If you wanted Becky to be in the wedding when you knew she was joining the family, you should have put her in. You didn't need to wait for her to be a replacement. She was either hurt by that, or she has other people that she is closer to than you. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you and doesn't think of you as part of the family. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I get being disappointed. I was disappointed when I was not in my brother's wedding. However, wanting to punch her in the face is an over-reaction. She isn't under any obligation to have you. Personally I think having her as a replacement was a little slap in the face also. It's like she was not good enough to be in the first round of picks On another note, the fact she is being rude and showing her other side could mean you dodged a bullet. I know I dogged one not being in my brothers wedding. SIL Is awesome, however the dress were awful.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • For the record, I did not punch her in the face... Instead, I said to her "You were such a HUGE help at my wedding, that WHATEVER you need for yours, just let me know."
    And...I was cautious to have Becky in my BP as a gf because one of my girlfriends did that for her brother's girlfriend and they broke up and my friend had to un-bridemaid her...
    You are right, if her darkside is coming out, I am glad I don't have to sit there for her shower and other events.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-feel-so-bad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba880dcf-4ef0-4907-afc6-a87df8727c51Post:f6a2547c-f403-4b3f-a842-325a657a724b">Re: Am I wrong to feel so bad about this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you wanted Becky to be in the wedding when you knew she was joining the family, you should have put her in. You didn't need to wait for her to be a replacement. She was either hurt by that, or she has other people that she is closer to than you. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you and doesn't think of you as part of the family. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Also, when you say she asked your sister-in-law, do you mean that she asked your husband's sister, or that she asked the wife of one of your husband's brothers?  If it is the former, perhaps they just decided to ask siblings of the groom to be in the WP.  </div><div>
    </div><div>There are also numerous factors that go into who is in someone's bridal party. One of BMs is getting married in June and I am not in her WP.  However, I had six BMs and invited 200 people to my wedding.  She is only having a MOH (her sister) and is only inviting about 75 people to the wedding.  So, I am just honored to be one of only six non-family members invited on her side.  Point being, there are lots of different factors that influence who is in a person's BP.  Try not to take it personally.</div>
  • What is it about weddings that make people feel everything is a personal slight?  There is nothing mandatory or tit for tat about bridal parties.  It's about having your nearest and dearest standing next to you.  You yourself said you aren't terribly close.

    My best friend at the time didn't ask me to have me in her bridal party, and asked someone who wasn't supportive of the marriage, and was a manipulative judgemental nasty woman.  But you know what?  Not my place to question her about that.  I was entitled to be hurt, but not to want to commit violence, or to take any action whatsoever.  So I didn't.  Hands off, none of my business.  Show up at her wedding, eat the foot, give the gift, have a good time.  Done.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • I won't say you're "wrong" about feeling bad about everything, but I think the reasons are a little messed up. You made her a B List bridesmaid and you didn't think she'd feel slighted for it? It's basically like saying, sorry you weren't good enough to be in my first round of picks, but someone's gone so why don't you step in so I can have an even number. How would you feel? I've been a B list bridesmaid in my FSIL's wedding, and while you may feel pretty honored at first, you always have the lingering knowledge that you're a second choice, and you can either accept it and move on or get bitter about it. I chose the former, but not everyone does, and that's their right.

    Like PP's have said, if she's showing her true colors now, maybe be thankful she didn't ask you. Do you really want to have to stand up with someone on their wedding day who treated your FI and his family like crap?
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  • Maybe she's waiting to see if she has a bridesmaid drop out so she can ask you to have the treasured role of Better Than No One in her wedding. I too distrust the opinions about another person's behavior that are held by someone who reacts by saying they'd like to punch someone in the face.
  • if the girl is so rude, I understand wanting to punch her in the face, I've seen ppl change after they got the ring, don't be mad because she didn't put you in her WP...let it go and keep your dough
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
  • ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    I don't really think the "punch her in the face" comment should be taken so literally I don't think its an immature thing to say unless I mean you really truly mean it. Plenty of people exaggerate about being mad.
  • Why do people concern themselves so much with other people's wedding plans? 

    Seriously? Why do you even care? It's her wedding party. She has every right to choose whomever she wants without any explanations. Get over it. This should not matter to you. Do you know why? Because it has nothing to do with you. You had your wedding day. You ARE a part of your husband's family now, that should not be matter of question. It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job at working yourself up and making someone else's wedding about you. Stop it. 

    And if you're feeling bad (as indicated in your OP title) it should be because you realize now that replacing a bridesmaid with a "second" choice... is rude and unecessary. 

    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-feel-so-bad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba880dcf-4ef0-4907-afc6-a87df8727c51Post:77aa1687-d00a-4c76-925d-b966675f33ea">Re:Am I wrong to feel so bad about this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she's "shown her dark side" maybe it's best you're not in the WP period. Sounds like a bridezilla in the making, consider yourself lucky. I do understand your feelings of being left out of your Hubby's fam tho. Me and SO have been together the longest out of all his siblings and I was left out of his sisters WP who im close with, which everyone was a little baffled by. Count your blessings tho, your not obligated to be standing next to someone like that and attend all the showers ect...
    Posted by MrsElla10[/QUOTE]

    <div> I second this! OP if she is being mean and showing her "dark side", why would you want to be in her wedding? Who knows what would happen if she did ask you to be a BM, you might have had experienced her dark side late in the game and would have to suffer to the day of her wedding...  </div>
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-feel-so-bad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba880dcf-4ef0-4907-afc6-a87df8727c51Post:56aac615-7918-4224-a0df-b959f57accf8">Re: Am I wrong to feel so bad about this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]For the record, I did not punch her in the face... Instead, I said to her "You were such a HUGE help at my wedding, that WHATEVER you need for yours, just let me know." And...I was cautious to have Becky in my BP as a gf because one of my girlfriends did that for her brother's girlfriend and they broke up and my friend had to un-bridemaid her... You are right, if her darkside is coming out, I am glad I don't have to sit there for her shower and other events.
    Posted by bikepro2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>Plus, punching someone in the face only once, is so not worth the jail time and the years of a damaged reputation... </div>
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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