Dilemma Regarding Father plz Help!

mrsnimphius

My father passed away almost 5 years ago. Getting married in June and my fiancee is a wonderful man who understands how big a heartache it is to get married without my Dad around, so we're eloping. When we get back we're having a reception and here's where the situation gets sticky, my mother asked if I'd have a daughter/father dance with my Stepdad. He's a good guy but we're not close. They live several states away. I feel bad, but I really want my fiancee's family to know there is an absence in my life with my father gone that no man can replace, husband and stepfather included. I told my mom I would dance with him, but it wouldn't be a "designated dance"- any suggestions how I can further smooth this over? I'm getting a pissed off vibe from the SF. Thanks ladies!!

hlq2011

My dad passed away last year (the one year anniversary of his death will be three days after my wedding), and I'm not doing a father/daughter dance with my stepfather, and my brother is walking me down the aisle.

The reason I'm not doing a dance with him, though, isn't about demonstrating to anyone that there's an absence in my life.  FI's family and my family know that without having to be told.

I'm not doing it becuase it's too hard for me, and it doesn't feel right having anyone step in "in his place" plain and simple.

I really hope you didn't explain it to them as you did in this post.  I'm sure your stepfather recognizes that he's not your father, and can't take his place.  He doesn't need you reminding him of that.

I'd say simply that it's too hard for you to do a father/daughter dance with someone else, and leave it at that.

Reading over, I realize some of this might sound harsh, and I admit I'm hypersensitive on the father front at times.  So I apologize if any of it seemed harsh, but I'm going to leave what I wrote.

firsttimersluck

I think you need to sit your mom down and let her know that you care about your step dad but that this is a hard time for you because you miss not having your father there for your special day.. it's something you always thought he would be there for and now he's not. designating the "father/daughter" dance to someone that is not him makes you feel like you are taking away from your father's memory and that hurts your heart, no matter how much you care for your step father.
She can't argue with your feelings.

The Mel and Todd Show

Tell your mother what you've told us.  "Mom, your husband is just lovely and I'm so pleased that you have found happiness with him.  Dad dying left a void in my life that will not be filled, and while I would be happy to dance with your husband at my party, I would prefer that it not be in place of a dance with my father." 

I can't imagine any mother who would force this issue.  I simply can't.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dilemma-regarding-father-plz?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba8f299a-3e11-44d3-aafe-87407c13283cPost:b6e65b28-6a9c-4fa9-b556-90ebd028c288">Re: Dilemma Regarding Father plz Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not doing it becuase it's too hard for me, and it doesn't feel right having anyone step in "in his place" plain and simple. Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

This.

I'm a little surprised you've received push back from your family on this one. Unless he was a particularly significant part of your childhood I don't think it's appropriate to assume you'd dance with him for the father/daughter dance.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dilemma-regarding-father-plz?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba8f299a-3e11-44d3-aafe-87407c13283cPost:700ffd20-6069-46b2-a312-5ea25a2fad19">Re: Dilemma Regarding Father plz Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe if you eliminate all 'special' dances except for the bride and groom's first dance, that would help.  I completely understand your reluctance to have anyone step into your dad's shoes for that particular moment, and maybe your mom and SF would be less upset if there were no other special dances either.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]


I don't think that's fair, though.  It's going to be difficult for me to watch FI dance with his mom, when I can't dance with my dad, but I won't take that away from them.

bmoruzzi

I don't have any other advice, I think the ladies did a good job.  I just want to say that I also lost my dad, almost 4 years ago and wouldn't want to do a father/daughter dance with someone else either.  I don't blame you a bit.  Do whatever makes you comfortable.  It's not easy, I know.

mob2689

I would either not have that dance OR if family from your father's side is going to be there, like an Uncle, that would be the "next best thing" to do to avoid conflict only.....and no one should have a prob. with that. That is if you REALY want to have that dance. If you don't want it or are uncomfortable then you don't have to have that dance at all