Non attendance

Knottie_22382494

I am just curious about this although my wedding is still several months out (I saw a similar post on another wedding website but I feel that they have questionable advice) but I was wondering if there is any specific protocol for guests who RSVP yes and don't show.  I understand that things come up (health, personal issues, etc.) that are out of anyone's control but what is the best steps for the guest and host to take if there is no reason given and they just back out?  What if the guest never mentions anything before or after the no show?  I know that gifts are never required but if you had to cancel last minute for a wedding would try to cover your plate?

My main reason for curiosity is that I have heard from several of my FI's family members that a certain member of the family always RSVPs yes and never shows to any event.  If said family member RSVPs yes, I will definitely include that person in seating charts, etc. but I know that I would be very disappointed and very unhappy that I paid a large amount of money for their meal and evening and they didn't even give the decency of a phone call.

Just curious...

Sephiroth

If I had to no-show for some unavoidable reason, I would give the same gift I had intended to give. Which would be completely unrelated to 'covering my plate' in whether I attended or not.

misshart00

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. And it's rude to ask later why they didn't come. I know it sucks but I would just shrug it off.

s-aries8990

I haven't had my wedding yet, but from what I understand, you (as the person hosting the event) just have to lose out. There's no way to recoup losses and although **I** personally think that it's important to show appreciation of the host's hard work via a gift, even if I had to cancel last minute I would try to send a gift, those who no-show don't owe you anything. You just have to account for them and have their chairs and meals ready.

It seems like there is only one repeat offender, so I wouldn't worry about it. Sure $100 wasted is $100 lost, but what's worse, losing $100 or looking like a butt by not being ready for them should they actually attend.

Now, if they do this to you at your wedding, I'd talk it over with FI regarding inviting them to future events - if you've already invited this person, there is nothing you can do for this event, but there's nothing that says you HAVE to have them come for Christmas/Thanksgiving/Baby birthdays, etc.

aurianna

No shows happen. And there's not a lot you can do about it. You can't ask them to cover their plate (and if they offer, you should probably graciously decline). You can't ask them about it.
It's very rude on their part, but there's not much you can do.

For what it's worth, I had 5 no-shows at over $100 a plate (a real burn was we didn't even invite one of them, but when a single guest wrote him in we let it slide since our numbers were looking good. Our bad).
One was sick, another was sick so both she and her husband stayed home, one got robbed of everything they owned that morning and one just forgot. (ETA: They all volunteered this info. I didn't ask them)
Two of them ended up giving incredibly generous gifts that covered the plate, two of them sent generous gifts that did not cover the plate, and one didn't send a gift. (ETA: Not that anyone knew what the plate costs)
In four of the five cases it was just something like "Thank you so much for your generous gift of blah blah blah. So sorry to have missed you, but thanks for keeping us in your thoughts!"

This is NOT etiquette sanctioned advice, but:
You could short your caterer numbers by 1 and rely on the fact that the caterers might make extra meals so you can feed the gal if she does show up.
Or you could short your numbers by 1 and just be prepared to give her your meal if there aren't extras.

Or you could just... not invite this gal. That's also an option.

fperez7542

I know what you mean.  FI has an aunt and uncle who will most likely RSVP yes and not show up.  I already told him that is really messed up and he approached his mom.  The reason for this will most likely be because they are in NY and we are in CT.  They will most likely wait until the last minute to look for transportation and then not show because of this.  At a family gathering they approached me and said they were taking a bus that will drop them off in front of our house.  I researched there is no such bus so they are already misinformed or lying.

As PP unfortunately we can't do anything about this. Just have to shrug it off.

nda8414

You can't expect that someone will "cover their plate".  It's the same thing as if you bought extra hot dogs and hot dog buns for a bbq, then someone decides not to show up...you wouldn't expect them to drop you a check for $2.35.  It's just an unfortunate thing that happens to (almost) everyone.  If you're really concerned about the price of the plate, and if they RSVP yes, and you really don't think they'll show up, I'd leave them out of your final count.  I'm guessing it'll be pretty easy to add them on at the last second.

And while we're on the subject, the amount of the gift does NOT have to equal how much the plate cost, in any circumstance.

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:584622d3-77fa-41d2-8f35-4904c4cf7234">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]This is NOT etiquette sanctioned advice, but: You could short your caterer numbers by 1 and rely on the fact that the caterers might make extra meals so you can feed the gal if she does show up. Or you could short your numbers by 1 and just be prepared to give her your meal if there aren't extras. Or you could just... not invite this gal. That's also an option.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

<div>I was thinking this too, but if the caterer is the same vendor as the venue, then she'd also be short a chair, a plate, utensils, etc. It would look pretty bad, since they RSVP yes.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I wouldn't go out of your way to ask them what's up. But next time you see them you could ask how they're feeling, if they've done anything fun lately, etc. Sometimes those questions will give you round about answers as to why they no-showed.</div>

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:a37f0700-a383-4d39-b3bd-df5ea30a0a33">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't expect that someone will "cover their plate".  It's the same thing as if you bought extra hot dogs and hot dog buns for a bbq, then someone decides not to show up...you wouldn't expect them to drop you a check for $2.35.  It's just an unfortunate thing that happens to (almost) everyone.  If you're really concerned about the price of the plate, and if they RSVP yes, and you really don't think they'll show up, I'd leave them out of your final count.  I'm guessing it'll be pretty easy to add them on at the last second. <strong>And while we're on the subject, the amount of the gift does NOT have to equal how much the plate cost, in any circumstance.</strong>
Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]

Thank you everyone for your posts!  I would have thought that the proper thing would be to inquire of the person so I am glad I came to all of you for advice :)!!

In response to the bolded- I totally understand this point from an etiquette perspecitve.  It seems the general consensus on customs in my area (NY) is that people usually cover their plate for a gift and some even fill in the check at the wedding after gauging how much it costs (eek!).  Obviotualy, after reading this board I totally understand that this is not the right way of thinking.  Personally I have always tried to at least cover my plate but I give based on my relationship to the person getting married.  If I was planning to attend a wedding and had to cancel last minute, I would give the same gift I would have originally given but would also give them a seperate check to cover my plate as I wouldn't want the bride and groom to be out that money that they spent for nothing.  This may seem excessive to some but I would feel rude otherwise. 

I would definitely consider a wedding to be a little different than a BBQ given the cost and time and especially that you (or at least I ) are paying per plate as opposed to estimating how much your guests will eat and buying a large lot of burgers and hot dogs.  Nonetheless, I see your point. 

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:29c63e3e-7569-4775-b849-c61f6b01d684">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>As a guest, if you have to no show, you send your apologies as soon as you are able, be it 2 days before, an hour before, or the next morning after the event is over. </strong>As a host, you do nothing.  If your guest is polite enough to apologize and offer a reason, you graciously let them know not to worry about it.  If they say nothing, you say nothing. I had a third of my guestlist no show.  That's 1/3 of people who RSVPed yes.  A large chunk was due to an unavoidable incident we found out about through a third party.  Most of the others never mentioned missing the wedding, and neither did we.  Yes, we wasted a good chunk of money, but on our wedding day we were so obliviously happy, we couldn't have cared less.  Once things settled down, it just didn't seem like it was worth being petty or losing relationships just to get an explanation.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

That's great to know!  In my long rant in the first post I guess I was trying to ask exactly this!

I am so sorry to hear that about your wedding but I am glad you made the best of it.  I will definitely try to embrace this advice if I find myself in a similar situation.

harper0813

It's an unfortunate thing, especially when the guests don't have a very good reason. Your two options are to cut them out of the list (as long as you didn't send them a save the date) or invite them and don't worry about it.

AddieCake

We had 8 people who RSVP'd yes and didn't show up. I was irritated b/c it meant paying for more food plus an extra centerpiece. Also, 5 of them were actually at the same table, so that meant there were only 3 people at that table, and I worried they felt weird about that!  But there isn't much you can (or should) do about it. 

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:4f3440db-fdf0-4d4c-b5d7-0d7a694be077">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non attendance : Thank you everyone for your posts!  I would have thought that the proper thing would be to inquire of the person so I am glad I came to all of you for advice :)!! In response to the bolded- I totally understand this point from an etiquette perspecitve.  It seems the general consensus on customs in my area (NY) is that people usually cover their plate for a gift and some even fill in the check at the wedding after gauging how much it costs (eek!).  Obviotualy, after reading this board I totally understand that this is not the right way of thinking.  Personally I have always tried to at least cover my plate but I give based on my relationship to the person getting married.  If I was planning to attend a wedding and had to cancel last minute, I would give the same gift I would have originally given but would also give them a seperate check to cover my plate as I wouldn't want the bride and groom to be out that money that they spent for nothing.  This may seem excessive to some but I would feel rude otherwise.  I would definitely consider a wedding to be a little different than a BBQ given the cost and time and especially that you (or at least I ) are paying per plate as opposed to estimating how much your guests will eat and buying a large lot of burgers and hot dogs.  Nonetheless, I see your point. 
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

I agree, it's definitely a different event (and admittedly, I'm sure I'll be annoyed if I have a bunch of no shows as my reception is costing a little more than $2.35 a plate), I was just saying not to expect someone to offer.  I was in a wedding two weeks ago where one of the groom's good friends couldn't come at the last minute, and the friend offered to pay, which was really gracious of him, but the bride and groom declined to have him pay b/c that's kind of embarassing too.  Anyway, I hope your wedding is so awesome that you don't even notice whether this person is there or not!

harper0813

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:ca392c37-e23d-4606-b08e-1b66b9d4ff77">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non attendance : She's talking about people who say they are coming and then don't show up on the day of the wedding.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep, I know! If they have a long track record of not showing up to events they RSVP yes to, an option is to cut them in antipication. Not a great option, of course, if they're a family member - so hopefully they're at least distant family.</div>

Knottie_22382494

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:b51cbb98-a9af-4bed-98d0-e827e2137460">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non attendance : I agree, it's definitely a different event (and admittedly, I'm sure I'll be annoyed if I have a bunch of no shows as my reception is costing a little more than $2.35 a plate), I was just saying not to expect someone to offer.  I was in a wedding two weeks ago where one of the groom's good friends couldn't come at the last minute, and the friend offered to pay, which was really gracious of him, <strong>but the bride and groom declined to have him pay b/c that's kind of embarassing too.</strong>  Anyway, I hope your wedding is so awesome that you don't even notice whether this person is there or not!
Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]

Understood!  I would definitely decline, too!  I guess all I am hoping for is an explanation (or just no no shows!! haha)!

AJuliaNJ

The ball is in their court to contact you. If I had to cancel after RSVP'ing, I would definitely call the host ASAP, apologize and explain, and would probably feel guilty if it was really last minute and add extra onto the gift. If I couldn't call because I was rushing someone to the ER, I would call as soon as I was able after the event. However, that's just me. I'm learning that there are always going to be people that are complete no show/no calls and think this is completely acceptable. In this case, you can't say anything. Hopefully, they will contact you at some point, but you can't count on it. Not everyone understands what goes into planning a wedding and some people have personal reasons they are not willing to share. You have no choice but to let it slide.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:baae9a86-5cc9-4d7b-9ee0-ff32c1ffe62fPost:67f0e302-a2b4-4669-963c-18881d7d4d4d">Re: Non attendance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Non attendance : Understood!  I would definitely decline, too!  I guess all I am hoping for is an explanation (or just no no shows!! haha)!
Posted by NYCBride2013[/QUOTE]

The explanation might be "I didn't want to go" or "I had something better to do."  I wouldn't want to hear that.