Private Ceremony vs the Bridal Shower

lbufton

We are getting married in a treehouse and space is limited to 40, total guests 100. I was going over the list with his mother and she said that "some guests declared that if they were not invited to the ceremony that they would not come to the bridal shower." It never crossed my mind and I have looked up etiquette information online, but it is unclear, I could care less of lost gifts, not the issue. I was having some of my family & friends to the shower but then having them only attend the reception. Is it rude of me to have a private ceremony and invite some of uninvited people to my bridal shower? (they are coming to the reception) Thank You

J&K10910

In a treehouse? 

Yeah...rude.

Nebb

I think its rude of you to have your ceremony in a tree house, where you are inviting almost half of your guests, but excluding the other half.

samurai21

Yes.

mrsamyjones

Does this tree house have an elevator? Sorry, I am more interested in the tree house than your question.

Kati0105

Aww lbufton + lbufton's fi = 4ever!  Is your BFF totally going to be your MOH?  Is your mommy going to make ants on a log for apps?

lyndausvi

I go againist the grain and do not mind a private ceremony and then a larger reception (although I think the ratio should be more 20% invited 80% not than than your 40 invited 60 not).

That said I do not think it's wrong of those people who are not invited to the ceremony to skip the bridal shower for that reason.

FutureMrsDudley55

Yes it is rude.

Kristin789

I don't care that you are having your wedding in a treehouse, so I'll move directly to your questions.

>>"some guests declared that if they were not invited to the ceremony that they would not come to the bridal shower."

Of course not.  She's right. 
Only people invited to the wedding can be considered to be invited to the shower.
There won't be any people who are invited to the shower and not the wedding.

>> I have looked up etiquette information online, but it is unclear

Oh, it's very clear.

>>I was having some of my family & friends to the shower but then having them only attend the reception.

NO no no no no.

>>Is it rude of me to have a private ceremony and invite some of uninvited people to my bridal shower?

YES yes yes yes

Bridal Shower: Can Guests Be Invited to Bridal Shower But Not Wedding?Q.My friends are planning a wedding shower for me and have asked my mother and future mother-in-law for a bridal shower guest list. The problem is that we are having a small wedding, and my mom says that if you invite someone to the bridal shower you must also invite them to the wedding. Is that true?A.It's true -- you can't expect someone to come to your shower and give you a present if you're not planning to invite them to the wedding. The shower is meant to be a party for the women closest to the bride (and often her mom and the groom's mom too). All these close female friends and relatives should also be invited to the wedding.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-vs-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc2952ad-1a33-45e0-941a-61cd5723c858Post:49ad19cd-24ce-42f8-a487-2899d40f3116">Re: Private Ceremony vs the Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I go againist the grain and do not mind a private ceremony and then a larger reception (although I think the ratio should be more 20% invited 80% not than than your 40 invited 60 not). That said I do not think it's wrong of those people who are not invited to the ceremony to skip the bridal shower for that reason.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this. 40 people is not a "private" ceremony, and it clearly puts some guests above others...in a tree, to be exact.

Leaving the shower out of it, this isn't polite.

eastunder1

I think if theyre invited to the reception then that is good enough to be invited to the shower.

I'm not even touching this whole "only inviting half your guests to the treehouse" thing. 

J&K10910

I could get married in a cave, but then I could only invite 7 people.  I'm intrigued by the treehouse.

aragx6

So I'm supposed to buy you a gift for the shower and a gift for the wedding and I don't even get to see you tie the knot? I don't blame your guests for saying no to that amazing proposition.

Celles

I really wish I had thought to get married in a tree.



Google Images.

MyNameIsNot

The ceremony/reception thing aside, yes, it is rude to invite people the the shower that aren't invited to the actual wedding.  The ceremony is the wedding.  

wcvsb3b5

40 guests,  huh? That must be some treehouse!

ohwhynot

If I were you, and it's apparent people are being upset about being excluded from the ceremony, I'd seriously reconsider my plans.  Having 40% of your wedding guests invited to a "small, intimate wedding" is kind of a smack in the face to the other 60%.  If your wedding ceremony was truly limited to a "small, intimate" gathering, it should be immediate family, and maybe grandparents, only. 

disclaimer:   I am assuming (and I apologize if I'm wrong), that the 40 people who get invited to both are not just immediate family. 

Blueyed228

Well 40 out of 100 is not very private.  If you told me it was just your parents and siblings at the ceremony but everyone else invited to the reception I may have a different view.  But half of your list is not private......

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Can you have the ceremony outside the treehouse and just take pics inside the tree house? That way you can invite everyone.

kristinalily

It's quite clear. I'm not sure what "online" you looked at. It took me about 3 seconds to type in the question and about 5 seconds to find very clear information about what to do.

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-vs-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc2952ad-1a33-45e0-941a-61cd5723c858Post:79dba54f-f03a-466e-9cc2-e848ee8df8c3">Private Ceremony vs the Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]We are getting married in a treehouse and space is limited to 40, total guests 100. I was going over the list with his mother and she said that "some guests declared that if they were not invited to the ceremony that they would not come to the bridal shower." It never crossed my mind and I have looked up etiquette information online, but it is unclear, I could care less of lost gifts, not the issue. I was having some of my family & friends to the shower but then having them only attend the reception. Is it rude of me to have a private ceremony and invite some of uninvited people to my bridal shower? (they are coming to the reception) Thank You
Posted by lbufton[/QUOTE]

I'm also intrigued by this treehouse and would like some more info.

beatlesgirl25

This sounds like one big fire hazard to me. And not because of going over capacity. Just don't have a unity candle!

[Deleted User]

this is waaaaaaay fug:

lbufton

I have other posts about other things, but eveyone keeps focusing on the Treehouse, so I apologize  for repeat information.  My parents both died when I was young, so I have a large immediate family.  So please don't focuse on that ratio, in my immediate family there is 20, I'm sorry but it is the case.  No invites have been sent out.  I keep details about the wedding to the need to know people.  His mother was talking her family.  This is not a problem with my family. 

As for the treehouse:
The universally accessible treehouse at the nature center is to expand opportunities for people with disabilities to enjoy the outdoors. It is the only one is Michigan and very few are throughtout the United States. Within the week they started being able to host weddings, I'm super excited.

http://www.sccresa.org/countyeducation/resaserviceseducation/pinerivernaturecenter/treehouse/

lbufton

Celles

For what it's worth, I wasn't being snarky or judgmental.  I think a treehouse wedding would be all kinds of awesome.

I do agree that anyone invited to the bridal shower needs to be invited to the ceremony.

lbufton

Thank you all for your advice

lbufton

As for inviting only to the ceremony and not the wedding
This is what the Knot says about that:
More and more couples are opting to have intimate family ceremonies with a small guest list and then hosting larger receptions that include all their relatives and friends. You may feel like you're missing out on the most important part by just going to the reception, but at least you'll be there to raise your glass to the bride and groom. It is acceptable to only extend an invite to the reception. But it is never acceptable to only extend an invitation to the ceremony if you're also having a reception.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-ceremony-vs-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc2952ad-1a33-45e0-941a-61cd5723c858Post:e68cd8bc-ca3a-47e4-8b97-94aa0fd10316">Re: Private Ceremony vs the Bridal Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]As for inviting only to the ceremony and not the wedding This is what the Knot says about that: More and more couples are opting to have intimate family ceremonies with a small guest list and then hosting larger receptions that include all their relatives and friends. You may feel like you're missing out on the most important part by just going to the reception, but at least you'll be there to raise your glass to the bride and groom. It is acceptable to only extend an invite to the reception. But it is never acceptable to only extend an invitation to the ceremony if you're also having a reception.
Posted by lbufton[/QUOTE]

<div>That is true.  However, many people are offended at being left out of the ceremony (the important part).  Clearly, as people are making these comments, they will be offended.</div><div>
</div><div>Additionally, the only way you can get away with this is to do a tiny immediate family event.  Immediate family is parents and siblings.  Unless you have 19 brothers and sisters, you do not have an immediate family this large.  You may feel close to this many people, but they are not your immediate family.  Again, you are offending people and you need to change your plans.</div><div>
</div><div>Either cut the whole guest list down to 40, or figure out how to invite 100 to the ceremony.  </div>

Calypso1977

if you insist on the tree house, i'd have it be the two of you, your officiant, and any required by law witnesses.  then just have a big reception.

lbufton

My aunt & uncle
My sister & brother and their spouses
My 9 step brothers & sisters (whom I grew up with)
and my 6 nieces 

That is my family, why is everyone focused on my family size weird.  No one has ever heard of blended familiies?  I never claimed and even stated above that I was raised by my aunt & uncle that is not a typical what you call "immediate family" 

We also have a large wedding party