Wedding Etiquette Forum

My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.

We are getting married in the mountains of Colorado in the town my fiance's parents (and other family) own the family cabins. We are having an extremely small wedding. Based on price quotes, we may only be inviting 13 immediate family members. If the price difference is small, we are looking at inviting 25 guests. The "B" list are close family members outside of immediate family and a couple friends. Most of the friends are his friends except for one. Her name is Sheena, and shes been a very close friend of mine for a very long time.

The problem lies in finances. Sheena doesn't have much extra, this was awfully apparent when she helped me move from WI to CO 18months ago. I paid for her flight home in trade that she would be my company on a 18hr drive. Unfortunately, we also paid all her meals for the 5 days she stayed with us and she also asked me for money for souvenirs. This wouldn't have been such a big deal, but it did rub my fiance a bit raw since she didn't once say thank you for all the extras. I had extra money to pay for her then, so it did not put a burden on us, it just seemed under-appreciated.

Now heres my dilemnia: I want to invite my one friend Sheena. I don't want to pay for her plane ticket, her hotel, her rental car, all the food she eats. We have a budget and aren't into lavish huge events.

How can I invite my friend and know she can afford it without being rude? Shes almost 30 and lives with her folks (and I'm sure her financial welfare hasn't improved). Last time she visited I was blindsided with the amount of things I paid for her. I don't want to burden her either though. I'd feel terrible if I didn't invite her- bleh. I don't know what to do.

advice.... please... :-(

Re: My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.

  • Just invite her?

    She can decline if she can't afford it. (But if she is a must have, then you might have issues as she will probably decline)

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Just invite her and she can decide. 
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  • Invite her and let her decide if she can afford it. If she's that bad off, then she'll likely decline. If you really want her there, can you offer to let her stay in one of the cabins you talked about and ger her in contact with some folks about sharing a rental car, etc? I don't think you need to plan it for her, but offer what you can if its important to you.
  • millkn2millkn2 member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-friend-probably-cant-afford-not-really-destinationy-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bcd6cf94-db50-4183-b176-3c8de5f1a39fPost:6ee9f729-733a-4c0c-ba9e-98cc3b4d63d5">My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are getting married in the mountains of Colorado in the town my fiance's parents (and other family) own the family cabins. We are having an extremely small wedding. Based on price quotes, we may only be inviting 13 immediate family members. If the price difference is small, we are looking at inviting 25 guests. The "B" list are close family members outside of immediate family and a couple friends. Most of the friends are his friends except for one. Her name is Sheena, and shes been a very close friend of mine for a very long time. The problem lies in finances. <strong>Sheena doesn't have much extra, this was awfully apparent when she helped me move from WI to CO 18months ago. I paid for her flight home in trade that she would be my company on a 18hr drive. Unfortunately, we also paid all her meals for the 5 days she stayed with us and she also asked me for money for souvenirs.</strong> This wouldn't have been such a big deal, but it did rub my fiance a bit raw since she didn't once say thank you for all the extras. I had extra money to pay for her then, so it did not put a burden on us, it just seemed under-appreciated. Now heres my dilemnia: I want to invite my one friend Sheena. I don't want to pay for her plane ticket, her hotel, her rental car, all the food she eats. We have a budget and aren't into lavish huge events. How can I invite my friend and know she can afford it without being rude? Shes almost 30 and lives with her folks (and I'm sure her financial welfare hasn't improved). Last time she visited I was blindsided with the amount of things I paid for her. I don't want to burden her either though. I'd feel terrible if I didn't invite her- bleh. I don't know what to do. advice.... please... :-(
    Posted by gregandcass2011[/QUOTE]

    If she is helping you move, then you should have paid for everything. Why would she pay for her meals? Normally, she would probably eat at home which is a lot cheaper than eatting out for 5 days.
  • This real issue is if I invite her and she says "yes", I'm 99.98% sure she's going to become

    1) a financial burden, ie she'll pay for the ticket but then expect me to figure everything else out and pay for it. Example: when I scheduled her flight home, her parents were sooooo inconvenienced to drive 15 minutes to get her from the airport that I had to arrange someone else (my mom!)  to pick her up

    2) a pain in the ass, quite honestly. She's a bit afraid of "different", so I will have to walk her through renting a car, finding something to do in the ski town, etc. I love her to death, and I'd do it any other day, but I'm gonna be a little busy getting married and what-not.
  • @milkduds by helping me move she sat in the passenger side of my car (we had a moving company box, deliver, and unpack our belongings) while I drove all 1200 miles.
  • Who writes things like this about their only friend?  Is this made up?
  • Eh, if I was driving for 18 hours helping my friend move I'd expect her to pay for my meals as well, or at least offer. I'd especially expect her to pay for my flight back home. And I can definitely afford it. 

    Invite her. If you really want her there, and she can't afford the plane ticket, you can decide if it's important enough for you to pay for it for her.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-friend-probably-cant-afford-not-really-destinationy-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bcd6cf94-db50-4183-b176-3c8de5f1a39fPost:84a1720b-1b80-4f0d-ba87-6e0d84f18718">Re: My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]This real issue is if I invite her and she says "yes", I'm 99.98% sure she's going to become 1) a financial burden, ie she'll pay for the ticket but then expect me to figure everything else out and pay for it. Example: when I scheduled her flight home, her parents were sooooo inconvenienced to drive 15 minutes to get her from the airport that I had to arrange someone else (my mom!)  to pick her up 2) a pain in the ass, quite honestly. She's a bit afraid of "different", so I will have to walk her through renting a car, finding something to do in the ski town, etc. I love her to death, and I'd do it any other day, but I'm gonna be a little busy getting married and what-not.
    Posted by gregandcass2011[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like you don't like her...why is she your friend?

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    You said you want to invite her.  So invite her.  Let her know you cannot pay for her ticket or housing and that you will be too busy with last minute wedding stuff to arrange her transportation or meals.  If she wants to get her act together enough to manage her time at your sort-of DW, she'll be there.  If she can't handle that responsibility, at least you'll know that you invited her.
  • @ Emy I understand completely. I was happy to have her with me, and yeah, I paid for everything. I am not upset about what happened at all. We had a good time to boot. It sucked I didn't get a "thanks for everything!", but i didn't want to drive it alone either!

    However, I don't have the money to pay for everything this time. And I don't know how to say that. I've considered the cabin route pretty closely, but we have 13 family members that will be crammed into 2 cabins.

  • @ redhead

    She's been my friend through 15 years. She has made a lot of decisions that have adversely affected her life. She doesn't have extra money to spend on movies and museum tours, but that doesn't affect our friendship, so I pay for her. I will not have the extra money this time though, and part of me feels really terrible saying "you have to pay your way this time" but i really don't have extra now, so its necessary
  • Yeah, I think if your friend is almost 30, she should be responsible for figuring it out on her own.  If she has to decline, that will hurt, but it kind of sounds like you're already expecting it.  If she calls you to "suggest" you pay for something, stand strong.  Weddings generally do make people's finances run tight, and I don't think you should feel guilty for not paying.  Being a CO resident though - good luck with what is bound to be a BEAUTIFUL wedding!  I'm jealous since we're going back to WI for ours... 
    imageAnniversary
  • Sounds like you really dont want her there at all. Unless she has suddenly become:
    1. Finnancially Independent
    2. Emotionally Independent
    3. A grown ass woman

    Save your self the stamp and do not invite her.
  • I can sort of relate.  My BFF of 16 years is shockingly codependant.  We were once in NYC, going separate directions, and I had to hail a cab for her...because she didn't know how.  And she LIVES in NY.

    She's a great friend and a great person, but sometimes I have felt like I've had to hold her hand in a way that's not always healthy.

    But it's not right that you pay for everything for her.  I also am a giver with friends and usually at least offer to pay more than my fair share, but you have to draw boundaries.

    Obviously, you should invite her.  Send her an invite and excitedly giggle about the wedding with her.  If she says she can't afford it, she can't come.  It's not fair to everyone else who may be in financial difficulties that you help HER out and no one else.  Plus, it's not your responsibility to pay for her.  If she needs a little hand-holding as far as booking things, you can offer her advice on what the best rates are, etc., but try and let her do things for herself.  You have enough to worry about with the wedding plans.
  • Just stop enabling her. I know it might be hard b/c she's your friend, but she's an adult and needs to do these things on her own. If she gets out there after RSVP'ing yes and then starts asking for you to pay for things and take her places, just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't. I have to do XYZ today. But why don't you try ____?" I mean, I would give some suggestions for things to do, just as I would if I had OOT friends visiting a place they were unfamiliar with, but I wouldn't pay for them or hold their hand.


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  • It sounds like the trip when you moved she may have expected you to cover all expenses since she was doing you a favor.  I'm not saying it was necessarily right that she had you buy "souveniers" for her though.  
    Invite her.  If she can't afford it, she won't come.  I'm sure she has enough sense to know that it would be very wrong to hit you up for a complimentary plane ticket out to your wedding while you have so many other things to pay for.  If she does ask, be honest with her and she'll have to figure out a way to make it or not be there.  If you haven't already, just let her know the wedding plans (where they are) so she can start saving/planning ahead if necessary.
    Anniversary
  • You sound really negative about her. I just think that if it was someone I loved as much as your saying I wouldnt come online airing her dirty laundry. Money is really tough for some people and some people have to stay with their folks both my younger sibs still live with our folks and their in their 20's.
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  • If you want her, invite her. If she can't afford it, she'll be smart enough to decline.. and if she isn't that smart, she'll figure it out once she gets there and she has to pay for it all on her own. 

    IMO, it sounds like you're both using each other... she's using you for money, and isn't appreciating it... and you're using her for a friend since she's apparently your only one, and you're just buying her friendship. Honestly, I really think you should have a talk with her. 
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-friend-probably-cant-afford-not-really-destinationy-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bcd6cf94-db50-4183-b176-3c8de5f1a39fPost:2b033bbe-23a3-405f-8e93-696c200a7491">Re: My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding. : Just invite her as you would any other guest.  She'll decline if she can't afford it.  If she asks you to cover her costs, just <strong>let her know that is not an option and you'll miss seeing her at the wedding.
    </strong>Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    Agreed!  She can only become a financial burden if you allow her to do so.  Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-friend-probably-cant-afford-not-really-destinationy-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bcd6cf94-db50-4183-b176-3c8de5f1a39fPost:2b033bbe-23a3-405f-8e93-696c200a7491">Re: My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding. : Just invite her as you would any other guest.  She'll decline if she can't afford it.  If she asks you to cover her costs, just let her know that is not an option and you'll miss seeing her at the wedding.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly right.  Stop enabling her and if she can't afford it, she won't go.  She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.  She needs to understand that people paying for her throughout life cannot be an option.

    FWIW, I don't think you're here trashing your friend.  You came here for advice and it was important to give the whole picture.  Obviously, if she is the only friend you are inviting, you care about her.
  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    She can RSVP yes all she wants, but if she can't swing it financially, and you can't help her out, then she won't be able to come. That is what comes with being an adult. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to miss out on things if you don't take the time to plan for them. You're under no obligation to help her pay for anything. Like a PP mentioned, there may be others your inviting that are under financial stress as well and it wouldn't be fair to pay her way and not theirs.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-friend-probably-cant-afford-not-really-destinationy-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bcd6cf94-db50-4183-b176-3c8de5f1a39fPost:84a1720b-1b80-4f0d-ba87-6e0d84f18718">Re: My only friend probably can't afford my not-really-all-that-destinationy destination wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]This real issue is if I invite her and she says "yes", I'm 99.98% sure she's going to become 1) a financial burden, ie she'll pay for the ticket but then expect me to figure everything else out and pay for it. Example: when I scheduled her flight home, her parents were sooooo inconvenienced to drive 15 minutes to get her from the airport that I had to arrange someone else (my mom!)  to pick her up 2) a pain in the ass, quite honestly. She's a bit afraid of "different", so I will have to walk her through renting a car, finding something to do in the ski town, etc. I love her to death, and I'd do it any other day, but I'm gonna be a little busy getting married and what-not.
    Posted by gregandcass2011[/QUOTE]

    I totally get the way she is and I understand your frustration. But frankly, you'll be focused on your wedding. If she has the balls to try to bug you about making sure she has money and a place to eat lunch, simply tell her you can't really deal with that at the moment. Even if you generously help her in some way, like paying part of her plane ticket or whatever, she's 30. She'll figure out a way to deal with things. Only a very self-absorbed person will hassel you about HER needs when you're busy getting ready for your wedding. Which I realize she might be. But she also can't force you to deal with things she should be dealing with herself.
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