Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?

kateguess22

Hi all,
We're planning a small, intimate wedding that will be family only- including aunts, uncles, and cousins on my side and just the immediate family on his side. (This is because I am close to my relatives and want them all included and he is not close at all or in touch with any extended family at all on his side.) Our guest list will be between 40-50 guests altogether invited. Our two families don't know each other yet so we'll be introducing them to each other at the wedding. I'm hoping that goes smoothly and that nobody finds it awkward especially his parents. One idea that I had was to invite everyone to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding so that is another chance to get to know each other before the wedding and make the introductions then. I'm just not sure if we should just invite our immediate families to the rehearsal dinner or extend the invitation to all of the guests- and how to do this in a budget-friendly way. We'll be getting married in the colder season so something like a picnic in the park is out. Also wanted to note that we are not having bridesmaids or groomsmen so I don't think that there will be a rehearsal taking place and that my fiance and I will be paying for the rehearsal dinner. Our location for the wedding will be local for most of the guests but slightly out of town (less than 2-3 hours drive) for some, and we have one couple flying in from the other side of the country as well as his parents flying internationally.

No matter what, we will want to host a dinner the night before the wedding because his parents are flying in internationally as I mentioned, and we'd love to spend the night before the wedding with them and treat them to dinner so that's where we're starting from and building from there. I also want them and everyone to feel comfortable at the wedding. Any thoughts or suggestions for us?

pokepoke27

At least it's easy to read. 

Anyways, I would go ahead and hold dinner for both of your immediate families. If you are not doing a rehersal, then you are not having a rehersal dinner. Have dinner at your home and make it a chance for your families to meet before the wedding. I wouldn't invite any of the other guests. Make it a time to spend with your families. 

ETA: And just so I don't look crazy - the text was HUGE and OP posted that she couldn't fix it. Apparently she did. Then deleted that post. I'm not crazy, I promise. 

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:d723f343-0e58-4535-9358-e2cc4afb49b6">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]At least it's easy to read.  Anyways, I would go ahead and hold dinner for both of your immediate families. If you are not doing a rehersal, then you are not having a rehersal dinner. Have dinner at your home and make it a chance for your families to meet before the wedding. I wouldn't invite any of the other guests. Make it a time to spend with your families. 
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

I fixed it PokePoke! :)

I forgot to add another question: my Mom lives with my Gran and my other Grandma lives with my Aunt. Should I also invite my Gran to the rehearsal dinner and if so should I invite my other Grandma (....and then should I invite my Aunt who lives with my Grandma? And does that mean that I should start inviting all Aunts & Uncles, etc?) You see my dilemma? Any advice?

Having dinner at our place with just immediate families does sound nice. But do you think that would be a lot for us to be cooking and hosting a dinner the night before the wedding instead of going out to a restaurant? Worth the savings? I also worry because we live in a small apartment with a table that seats four, and immediate family would potentially be about 8 people or more, plus two young kids.

This is probably a really dumb question but: should I not call it a rehearsal dinner when I talk to our families about it? Or is it okay to still call it that?

Simply Fated

If there is no rehearsal, then it's not really a rehearsal dinner. It's just dinner, which is more than fine. I'd invite just the immediate family, maybe even just both sets of parents.

Don't worry about when or how or where they'll meet. No one has to be bffs, they just want to meet. So keep it simple and small.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:c1980f42-456e-426d-8fd1-32b3f518a159">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : I fixed it PokePoke! :) I forgot to add another question: my Mom lives with my Gran and my other Grandma lives with my Aunt. Should I also invite my Gran to the rehearsal dinner and if so should I invite my other Grandma (....and then should I invite my Aunt who lives with my Grandma? And does that mean that I should start inviting all Aunts & Uncles, etc?) You see my dilemma? Any advice? Having dinner at our place with just immediate families does sound nice. But do you think that would be a lot for us to be cooking and hosting a dinner the night before the wedding instead of going out to a restaurant? Worth the savings? I also worry because we live in a small apartment with a table that seats four, and immediate family would potentially be about 8 people or more, plus two young kids. This is probably a really dumb question but: should I not call it a rehearsal dinner when I talk to our families about it? Or is it okay to still call it that?
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Don't call it a rehersal dinner. It's just dinner. </div><div>
</div><div>Do you enjoy cooking? Do you have any tried and true recipes you could cook in your sleep? If so, then I don't think having dinner at your place the night before your wedding will be a problem. Remember - you can order take out. Even nice resturaunts have to go options. </div><div>
</div><div>But if you'd rather go out, then by all means go out. I just meant that you should keep it simple with just your immediate families.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that you should keep it JUST your parents/siblings. </div><div>
</div>

Simply Fated

I think you should leave the grandparents out of it. If you keep it just both sets of parents it is more afforable to go out somewhere and less overwhelming for everyone.


On a sidenote: You didn't mention his grandparents in that. Are they still around? I mean, if you invite yours, then I feel you should invite his....

kateguess22

Thanks I'm really appreciating all of this advice!  I was concerned that it would be rude to invite my Mom to come out for the dinner while my Gran stays at home, you know? It's possible that other family members may be down with my Gran the night before the wedding anyway- aunts and uncles- but that hasn't been confirmed. (Which now that I think about it makes me worry that it would be rude not to invite them if they do end up coming down!) I just don't want to be rude or hurtful or make anyone feel like I'm leaving them out so I wanted to check what you guys think is okay.

I think that going out to a restaurant makes the most amount of sense now that I've thought about it. This forum really helps me to clear my head! Not 100% sure if we should invite our siblings or do just parents. I think I'd like to have our siblings there. Maybe worth mentioning that our sisters (1 his and 1 mine) will be our witnesses and will be stepping forward during the ceremony to sign our marriage certificate so they are playing a role in the ceremony and it might be best to include them in this dinner to show appreciation (also obviously I'd love to have them with us.) I also consider my sister to be my "Maid of Honour" (unofficially since I don't have a wedding party but she is there for me in a MOH role) so really I'm thinking I should invite them, right? Is it still okay knowing this to opt to do just parents or should I definitely include siblings? Other than that I've got one brother and FI has one step-sister so with parents and siblings we're looking at 11-12 adults including ourselves plus potentially two young kids- we have two nephews. If we did just parents it would be 5 of us including myself. (my Dad passed away so it's just my Mom on my side.)

@SimplyFated FI's grand-parents are have passed away. Thanks for thinking of that, though. I would appreciate that catch if it applied. He has literally zero relatives on his side other than his immediate family.

ps: I'm so sorry I feel like I am rambling in these posts. lol.

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:31fff8c7-be64-4d53-b0a2-c46be05574e5">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your guys's sisters's have role I can understand wanting to invite them.  But I would probably invite only the parents, still.  Because then the other siblings gets to lead to a lot more people/more money. Maybe you guys can do lunch with your sisters after the wedding?
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Love this! Thank you!!! It will definitely save a lot of money to just do parents and if that seems reasonable to you guys then that's awesome! Maybe I could even do lunch with our sisters before the wedding or go out for high tea or something to thank them. I never thought of that before and I think that's very smart!

My only concern left is that is it awkward to invite only parents when my Dad has passed away? Do you think that would be hard for my Mom to ask her to come to this by herself? Or, is that just really how it is now and I shouldn't worry about that?

Simply Fated

If you want to keep the numbers down, I'd leave out the siblings. I defintiley wouldn't invite some siblings and not the others, especially if they're already playing a bigger role the next day.

As for your grandmother... How is your grandmother doing? Like, can she be left alone for an evening or does she need help with stuff?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:7a028918-f6b0-460c-aea9-b65287067260">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : Love this! Thank you!!! It will definitely save a lot of money to just do parents and if that seems reasonable to you guys then that's awesome! Maybe I could even do lunch with our sisters before the wedding or go out for high tea or something to thank them. I never thought of that before and I think that's very smart! My only concern left is that is it awkward to invite only parents when my Dad has passed away? Do you think that would be hard for my Mom to ask her to come to this by herself? Or, is that just really how it is now and I shouldn't worry about that?
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]
Is she seeing anyone now? If so I'd invite him, too. Otherwise, maybe if you (and FI) drove to the restaurant with her, she's appreciate that. I know I'd be super anxious meeting the Other Family for the first time and walking in alone wouldn't help.

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:ce772a88-f106-4dad-b41f-67fa474d72ff">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want to keep the numbers down, I'd leave out the siblings. I defintiley wouldn't invite some siblings and not the others, especially if they're already playing a bigger role the next day. <strong>As for your grandmother... How is your grandmother doing? Like, can she be left alone for an evening or does she need help with stuff?</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

She could be left alone for an evening (currently) but I think it's possible that this could change before the wedding (potentially). However, I'm not too worried because if she can't be alone for the night then I know my Mom would make sure that one of her siblings would come down for sure that night that my Mom is coming out to the dinner. Again, thanks for thinking of these things!

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:ab7ffac2-2aa1-4bdf-876e-3de696f3a460">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : Is she seeing anyone now? If so I'd invite him, too. Otherwise, maybe if you (and FI) drove to the restaurant with her, she's appreciate that. I know I'd be super anxious meeting the Other Family for the first time and walking in alone wouldn't help.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

My Mom is single- she recently broke up with someone who she was seeing for a long time. If they got back together or if she started dating someone I'd definitely invite him. As of right now though, she's single and seems likely to stay that way for a while. (ETA: I know that she misses my Dad though and I'm sensitive to the fact that it might hit home a little bit during my wedding that he's not with her.) Great suggestion, we will definitely drive her to the restaurant. That's a good thought. I don't want this to make her nervous. I'm hoping that this will be a nice thing for all of us.

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:337f7753-307b-40e3-9ad2-81bd1b1491e8">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is always easier for someone not emotionally involved in the situation to come up with solutions.  Trust. If your mom is comfortable solo, I would think it would be fine for it to be the 5 of you.  If she would feel more comfortable with a guest, you can extend the offer of a guest.  His parents (I wouldn't think) won't get upset if she brought her mom or brother or something.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Exactly!! And solutions is exactly what I need! :) I'm writing everything that I'm thinking, so as you can see when you're emotionally involved every detail seems really important and clouds the whole decision-making process!

If I ask her if she wants to bring a guest she would likely either bring her Mom or I guess maybe her good friend who is like my Aunt (who is not invited to the wedding)? I know his parents wouldn't mind (I wouldn't think either) but if I bring my Mom's Mom then isn't that rude to leave my other Grandma out? (I'm so sorry if I'm driving you crazy!) I'm close with both of my Grandmas and they live close to each other and in the loop with each other's going-ons. lol. Should I just let my Mom know that if she wants to bring my Gran or someone she can if it would make her feel more comfortable and let her make this decision?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:9215a302-55e2-4ab6-9a94-9491b12b43c1">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : Exactly!! And solutions is exactly what I need! :) I'm writing everything that I'm thinking, so as you can see when you're emotionally involved every detail seems really important and clouds the whole decision-making process! If I ask her if she wants to bring a guest she would likely either bring her Mom or I guess maybe her good friend who is like my Aunt (who is not invited to the wedding)? I know his parents wouldn't mind (I wouldn't think either) but if I bring my Mom's Mom then isn't that rude to leave my other Grandma out? (I'm so sorry if I'm driving you crazy!) I'm close with both of my Grandmas and they live close to each other and in the loop with each other's going-ons. lol. Should I just let my Mom know that if she wants to bring my Gran or someone she can if it would make her feel more comfortable and let her make this decision?
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]
I think if I was the other grandmother who wasn't invited I might be a little hurt. I'm just being honest.
However, you mentioned her bringing your uncle. I'd be down with that.

In the end, you want her to be comfortable and relaxed, so if she wants to invite someone, like her mom, I say let her.

Do you want to talk to her about whether or not she wants to invite someone to attend with her?

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:0bf77071-2b08-4877-8659-04721ae5822b">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : I think if I was the other grandmother who wasn't invited I might be a little hurt. I'm just being honest. However, you mentioned her bringing your uncle. I'd be down with that. In the end, you want her to be comfortable and relaxed, so if she wants to invite someone, like her mom, I say let her. Do you want to talk to her about whether or not she wants to invite someone to attend with her?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

My assumption is that it is unlikely for my Mom to bring one of my Uncles. It doesn't seem like something that my Mom would do. (It actually wasn't me who mentioned her bringing my uncle.) So, having said that, other than her bringing her good friend (who is not invited to the wedding so I'm not sure if that's ok) she would likely bring her Mom.

I will definitely talk to her about whether or not she wants to invite someone to attend with her- if she does, and if she wants to bring her Mom- should I just go ahead with that or would it be best to also invite my other Grandma as well?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:61feb2c2-a8d7-4c78-9600-12c7076bfe3f">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : My assumption is that it is unlikely for my Mom to bring one of my Uncles. It doesn't seem like something that my Mom would do.<strong> (It actually wasn't me who mentioned her bringing my uncle.) </strong>So, having said that, other than her bringing her good friend (who is not invited to the wedding so I'm not sure if that's ok) she would likely bring her Mom. I will definitely talk to her about whether or not she wants to invite someone to attend with her- if she does, and if she wants to bring her Mom- should I just go ahead with that or would it be best to also invite my other Grandma as well?
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]
To the bolded part: Whoopsies on my part!

Definitely talk to her and see if she wants to bring someone. I think it would be great to invite both of your grandmothers, if it isn't a problem for you. if it's a hassle with rides or logistics, then skip the other grandmother and make sure you (or someone) do a good introduction the next day before the wedding.
And, no, you don't have to invite the aunt, too. My grandfather lived with me and my parents back in the day and we understood when my uncle picked him up to do stuff with that part of the family, or what ever. We didn't assume we were all invited, too, ya know?

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-guest-list-big-or-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bced7a6c-0182-46cf-8d11-c079aa158189Post:95caeada-5564-4edf-9264-cfc9eac46e7e">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Guest List- Big or small? : To the bolded part: Whoopsies on my part! Definitely talk to her and see if she wants to bring someone. I think it would be great to invite both of your grandmothers, if it isn't a problem for you. if it's a hassle with rides or logistics, then skip the other grandmother and make sure you (or someone) do a good introduction the next day before the wedding. And, no, you don't have to invite the aunt, too. My grandfather lived with me and my parents back in the day and we understood when my uncle picked him up to do stuff with that part of the family, or what ever. We didn't assume we were all invited, too, ya know?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Okay. I'll talk to my Mom and find out how she feels. So if my Mom wants to bring my Gran, I'll invite my other Grandma too. If my Mom says she will come by herself and doesn't need a guest, then I won't invite my grand-mothers! Hope I've got that right!

Thank you for everyone's help!