Wedding Etiquette Forum

Giving a donation instead of favors

I've been tossing around the idea of giving a donation to 1 or 2 charities/organizations instead of giving out favors. Our budget for favors is around $40-$50.  I was thinking about putting it on our programs that we gave a donation instead of favors, and also in frames around the reception.  How should I word this?  Or nix the idea and do a favor?

(I'm not against favors, I'd just prefer not to put something else on my plate, since I will going through a lot of professional and logistical changes the month before the wedding)

Re: Giving a donation instead of favors

  • No.  It's AWish to tell your guests what an awesome thing you're doing for them.   Donate the money you would have spent on favors privately, if you wish.  Favors are completely optional.  Also consider that the chairty you choose might not be one that your guests like.  I'd be annoyed if someone donated in my name to an organization I don't care for.
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  • I'd nix favors. No one will miss them. Doing donations in lieu of favors are generally seen as a bad idea. Your guests won't really appreciate them like you will. If you say, donate to the SPCA because you have a rescue dog, the guests will just see it as "Hey, look at me, I'm so great and charitable, and I just HAVE to tell you about it". I'm sure you're not trying to do that, however I know that when I get the little card on my plate that says "John and Jane donated to the Anti-Seal Hunt Fund in your name" I know that they a) haven't actually done it in my name (if you have a fifty dollar budget and 100+ guests, that's less than a dollar, and most charities won't accept a hundred seperate donations at cents a piece) and b) i feel like they're shoving it in my face that they donated to a charity and I didn't.
  • Just give the 50 bucks to a charity and don't make it about your wedding.
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  • Favors are a gift to your guests. How is donating the money to YOUR favorite charity a gift to your guests? You can just not do favors.
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  • abt87abt87 member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    Interesting thoughts. I love to save the extra money in the first place because I don't want to do favors so I felt some sort of obligation to donate in the place of favors and make it known to guests, just in case they were concerned because they didn't get a "trinket of appreciation" and wanted to know why.  

    I know someone who had little cards at every dinner seat announcing the donation, and another person didn't send out thank yous and then "donated" that money to a charity. (note the quotations marks)


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-donation-instead-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bda9793b-d0e3-4f7e-94ba-05ae4d3dfbe9Post:443d22d3-55c0-4131-a310-95712722d09b">Re: Giving a donation instead of favors</a>:
    [QUOTE]Interesting thoughts. I love to save the extra money in the first place because I don't want to do favors so I felt some sort of obligation to donate in the place of favors and make it known to guests, just in case they were concerned because they didn't get a "trinket of appreciation" and wanted to know why.  <strong> I know someone who had little cards at every dinner seat announcing the donation, and another person didn't send out thank yous and then "donated" that money to a charity. (note the quotations marks)</strong>
    Posted by at842205[/QUOTE]

    <div>Both of those are tacky, the latter extremely so and extremely poor etiquette.</div>
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  • "Interesting thoughts. I love to save the extra money in the first place because I don't want to do favors so I felt some sort of obligation to donate in the place of favors and make it known to guests, just in case they were concerned because they didn't get a "trinket of appreciation" and wanted to know why." I'm confused. Do you want to save the money or donate the money? Letting them know what happened to the "trinket" is the same as telling them, "I was going to buy you something, but decided against it." Is that what YOU'D want hear from a guest? Skip the explanation. It isn't needed and no one really wants to know because they probably won't even notice something is missing, anyway. Pointing it out in cards or what ever WILL make them notice and then it becomes an issue.
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  • You can always nix the favors but don't do a donation. One your guests may not agree with the charity in question and 2 this is AWish.

    Or you can find a cheaper favor option. I think my cousin did something as simple as chocolate fortune cookie.
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  • If you decide to do favors do something edible because everyone trashes or leaves everything else behind.
  • Also, OP, keep in mind that the reception, nice dinner, drinks, and dancing are a great token of thanks to your guests who came to your wedding.  People remember the reception much more than they remember the favors.
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  • The reception is the thank you to the guests, the favors are extra and unnecessary.  Have a good meal, drinks, music, etc., and no one will be wondering where their little tulle bag of m&ms is.  

    If you want to make a donation in relationship to your wedding, that's lovely and generous, but no need to broadcast it.  I don't go around and tell all my friends how I donate to charity.  Put the money you would spend on making the little cards that tell your guests about it toward the donation.  
  • When you donate at other times, do you immediately call your entire social circle and announce how generous you are? Yes? Stop it. No? Then don't do it for your wedding.

    Favors are not necessary. Telling someone you were going to give them a gift, then decided not to, is also not neccessary--pretty lame, in fact.
  • The only time I've seen a donation favor that didn't make me annoyed was when the groom suffered from a (chronic but not life-threatening) illness and the couple donated to a charity that supports research efforts into a cure for his illness.  To me, that made sense, because everyone there obviously loves and supports the groom, so it was a pretty safe pick as far as not offending anyone.

    Randomly donating to your favorite charity just to avoid giving your guests some Jordan almonds?  Lame and AWish.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-donation-instead-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bda9793b-d0e3-4f7e-94ba-05ae4d3dfbe9Post:443d22d3-55c0-4131-a310-95712722d09b">Re: Giving a donation instead of favors</a>:
    [QUOTE]Interesting thoughts. I love to save the extra money in the first place because I don't want to do favors so I felt some sort of obligation to donate in the place of favors and make it known to guests, just in case they were concerned because they didn't get a "trinket of appreciation" and wanted to know why.  <strong> I know someone who had little cards at every dinner seat announcing the donation</strong>, and <strong>another person didn't send out thank yous and then "donated" that money to a charity</strong>. (note the quotations marks)
    Posted by at842205[/QUOTE]

    Skip the favors altogether if you want to save money - nobody will miss them.  Nobody would "want to know why" they didn't get "trinket of appreciation" that most people leave behind in the first place. 

    Bolded part 1: So do I, and I felt it was AWish
    Bolded part 2: This actually pissed me off. WTF is wrong with some people.  Who could be so ungrateful to not even take the time (and extrememly minimal expense) to write out a thank you note?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-donation-instead-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bda9793b-d0e3-4f7e-94ba-05ae4d3dfbe9Post:408adf60-7e6a-4173-8b2d-93b7e54b38bd">Re: Giving a donation instead of favors</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>When you donate at other times, do you immediately call your entire social circle and announce how generous you are? Yes? Stop it. No? Then don't do it for your wedding.</strong> Favors are not necessary. Telling someone you were going to give them a gift, then decided not to, is also not neccessary--pretty lame, in fact.
    Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

    I'm so glad no one else is in the office with me. I don't know why I found that so funny, but I did.

    May I use it for a sig quote?!
  • I think it depends...at Jewish weddings it's customary to give some sort of charity (tzedakah) on your wedding day. My FI is Jewish, and several of his family members and friends have given to charity in lieu of favors for their weddings. They have also written up cards explaining the couple gave to charity in honor of the guest, placed at the guests's seat. I hadn't heard of this tradition but I think it's very nice, and we will be incorporating it into our wedding.
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  • We are going to donate $10 to the Canadian Cancer society for each guest in lieu of favours. We haven't decided yet how we are going to show this, perhaps by having a bookmark that they can provide that says that the donation has been made or otherwise from having a sign near the guest book that explains that.

    I have read on here that a lot of people think that this is a horrifying faux pas so at first I wasn't sure if I should do it.

    BUT then my fiance and I realized- both of our father's had cancer and both are no longer with us. This is a big way that we are honouring them at our wedding. We are also dedicating our ceremony to them and in lieu of wedding gifts, we are registering with the Canadian Cancer Society and asking that if our guests would like to make a donation in lieu of a gift we would be so grateful. We are also forgoing having any gift showers or anything. So the guests are not going to be expected to give us material gifts so hopefully they will understand that as a favour we are not giving them material gifts. (In my experience going to weddings the favours are usually never used anyway.) We are having a small family-only wedding so if anyone attending our wedding thought that we were doing this to make ourselves look good or brag about how charitable we were, then they wouldn't know us very well.

    At the end of the day, we feel this is the right thing to do, we are happy to do it, it honours our dad's and it makes us feel like our wedding is not just about us but also about our families and the greater good. I would encourage anyone thinking of doing this to just do it. Etiquette is great when it helps us to treat each other right but sometimes I feel like it makes us so judgey! If a couple wish to donate to a charity in lieu of favours, how could anyone fault them for that!?!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-donation-instead-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bda9793b-d0e3-4f7e-94ba-05ae4d3dfbe9Post:0f986ca0-c4b6-4dea-a07f-f46270375107">Re: Giving a donation instead of favors</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are going to donate $10 to the Canadian Cancer society for each guest in lieu of favours. We haven't decided yet how we are going to show this, perhaps by having a bookmark that they can provide that says that the donation has been made or otherwise from having a sign near the guest book that explains that. I have read on here that a lot of people think that this is a horrifying faux pas so at first I wasn't sure if I should do it. BUT then my fiance and I realized- both of our father's had cancer and both are no longer with us. This is a big way that we are honouring them at our wedding. We are also dedicating our ceremony to them and<strong> in lieu of wedding gifts</strong>, we are registering with the Canadian Cancer Society and asking that if our guests would like to make a donation in lieu of a gift we would be so grateful. We are also forgoing having any gift showers or anything.<strong> So the guests are not going to be expected to give us material gifts</strong> so hopefully they will understand that as a favour we are not giving them material gifts. (In my experience going to weddings the favours are usually never used anyway.) We are having a small family-only wedding so if anyone attending our wedding thought that we were doing this to make ourselves look good or brag about how charitable we were, then they wouldn't know us very well. At the end of the day, we feel this is the right thing to do, we are happy to do it, it honours our dad's and it makes us feel like our wedding is not just about us but also about our families and the greater good. I would encourage anyone thinking of doing this to just do it. Etiquette is great when it helps us to treat each other right but sometimes I feel like it makes us so judgey! If a couple wish to donate to a charity in lieu of favours, how could anyone fault them for that!?!
    Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

    Why not just take the money you spent and donate it privately? Why the attention-whore move of having to give something to guests showing that you donated? Does it suddenly make your donation more valid or meaningful because you've told other people about it?

    While your intentions are good, you're basically saying to your guests "I was going to get you something, but decided not to - so here's what I did with the money instead."

    Also - material (or other) gifts are NEVER to be expected - that's why they are gifts.
  • Hey Kelly-
    I really want the guests to know that we made the donation on behalf of them. Personally, if I went to a wedding I would be very pleased to learn that a donation had been made on behalf of all of us. If they didn't say anything and just donated privately, it wouldn't be less meaningful or anything like that- but it wouldn't give me the opportunity to feel involved in it.
    You are totally right though- I've read a lot on the boards and the majority of people totally agree with you, so I know that what you are saying is totally in line with etiquette. It made my fiance and I stop and think about if we should not advertise that we were doing that.
    We decided that we would be much happier to let our guests know rather than have them see no favours but not know why there are no favours. As well, because we both lost our dads to cancer and our wedding is immediate family only- our guests will all be pleased by a gesture that they know is in honour of these men that we love.
    It truly isn't because we are trying to impress anyone or show off our charitable side. But it's what we want to do and it's what we feel is right and best for both of us and our guests. So we're doing it! At the end of the day, my fiance said it best. "If any of our guests complained about a donation made in their name then that says more about their rudeness than ours." I totally agree.
    I don't think of it as an attention-whore move. I feel like it says to my guests "This is something that we trust will make us all happy and make this day even more special for all of us."
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