Bachelorette / Showers--- advice please!

furmur12

I'm a 36 year old bride to be.  it's taken me a LONG time to finally meet the right guy and now i'm finally getting married.  with that said, i have been in MANY weddings as bridesmaids and maid of honor 2x, i have flown to hawaii for my best friends wedding, i have driven and flown to many other out of town weddings/bachelorette parties and now that i live away i fly home for each wedding and send gifts to showers i cannot attend... i do all of this b/c i want to and love my friends dearly!  now that it's my turn to be the bride, i feel sort of frustrated. it's been 10 years since some of my friends were married, so as you can imagine, they have children and many other important obligations to their families and careers, etc.  my frustration lies in the idea that alot of my friends are saying no to coming to an out of town bachelorette party. i am 100% grateful for those that will come and i'm so happy to have them, but there are a few key important friends that i will truly miss being there, and it is saddening to me.  these are friends that i have been there for their weddings, flown to, hosted showers for, etc.  and now with their other obligations they are unavailable.  Also, since i live away from my hometown in the same city as my matron of honor she is hosting a shower for me here, so i have a small group of friends that will be invited, but not my hometown friends (due to the distance).  i was hoping a bridesmaid in my hometown would host a shower or girls get together in my hometown for me.... especially since these are most of the girls that will not be coming to the out of town bachelorette weekend.  the problem is, no one has offered.  i have sort of hinted that i will be in town for a family shower on a specific weekend in Feb, but no one picked up on it.  i'm at the point where i am feeling very sad about it!  the last thing i want is for anyone to spend alot of $ or do anything outlandish, i just want a get together at someone's house or out a restaurant... something simple! i'm even willing to contribute paying for food, etc.  does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?  i feel sort of greedy that i even feel this way.... i feel sad and sort of stuck!  please help. thank you!

Winnertag1

I'm sorry if this comes out rude but you are being rather greedy.

I'm sorry that some of your friends arent going to be able to attend your Bachelorette party even though you attended theirs 10 years ago. But like you mentioned they have other commitments - they have jobs, and families & kids and life expenses. They cannot be expected to drop everything and go to your party because you went to theirs. 

No one is required to throw you a shower, someone has already offered to throw you one but you are not happy because other people have not offered. Be happy with what you get, it isnt the role of everyone you know to accomodate you over the course of your engagement. A lot of brides dont even get a shower or party thrown for them. 

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-showers-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc3ca43-db38-4e87-8858-3137c80403edPost:3a05174b-782c-4040-b692-2cfed729073f">Bachelorette / Showers--- advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a 36 year old bride to be.  it's taken me a LONG time to finally meet the right guy and now i'm finally getting married.  with that said, i have been in MANY weddings as bridesmaids and maid of honor 2x, i have flown to hawaii for my best friends wedding, i have driven and flown to many other out of town weddings/bachelorette parties and now that i live away i fly home for each wedding and send gifts to showers i cannot attend... i do all of this b/c i want to and love my friends dearly!  now that it's my turn to be the bride, i feel sort of frustrated. it's been 10 years since some of my friends were married, so as you can imagine, they have children and many other important obligations to their families and careers, etc.  my frustration lies in the idea that alot of my friends are saying no to coming to an out of town bachelorette party. i am 100% grateful for those that will come and i'm so happy to have them, but there are a few key important friends that i will truly miss being there, and it is saddening to me.  these are friends that i have been there for their weddings, flown to, hosted showers for, etc.  and now with their other obligations they are unavailable.  Also, since i live away from my hometown in the same city as my matron of honor she is hosting a shower for me here, so i have a small group of friends that will be invited, but not my hometown friends (due to the distance).  i was hoping a bridesmaid in my hometown would host a shower or girls get together in my hometown for me.... especially since these are most of the girls that will not be coming to the out of town bachelorette weekend.  the problem is, no one has offered.  i have sort of hinted that i will be in town for a family shower on a specific weekend in Feb, but no one picked up on it.  i'm at the point where i am feeling very sad about it!  the last thing i want is for anyone to spend alot of $ or do anything outlandish, i just want a get together at someone's house or out a restaurant... something simple! i'm even willing to contribute paying for food, etc.  does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?  i feel sort of greedy that i even feel this way.... i feel sad and sort of stuck!  please help. thank you!
Posted by furmur12[/QUOTE]

JIC.

emeejeeayen

I will just say that I'm sorry you're bummed. It sucks when you feel like you've put more into a friendship than the other person has. But things change, priorities change, and it sounds like you have a couple of friends who really want to do something extra nice for you, so try to focus on that instead of the negative if you can. 

DramaGeek

If you're going to be home, why not host a get together yourself?  It CANNOT be a shower or bachelorette party, as that would be in very bad taste and against etiquette, but if you truly want to see these friends, plan a tea party or something for when you'll be home.

Winnertag1

I think hosting a tea party or something like that is a good idea. It'll give you a chance to get together with everyone, but there should be no mention of showers or gifts though. 

LuckyGirl1713

I know that you may be upset because your friends are not doing the same things that you did for them.  Now you don't seem that you will hold this against any of them though and you shouldn't.  I know it's hard and its okay to be sad but there is really nothing you can do about it.  Just focus on the good stuff that your friends and family are doing for you.  And you never know someone may still surprise you! 

Summer2011Bride

Get your friends together for a girls night out, grab dinner and drinks, etc. when you are in town in Feb. Be happy and grateful to those who HAVE offered to throw you parties and don't hold it against those who can't and cannot travel for a b-party. Not everyone has a job or financial situation to be able to travel for those types of things like you can.

TheVirginians

It is okay to feel sad and disappointed; you were there for them and now they are not all there for you. I would feel the same. When you were all younger, you had similar lifestyles and their lifestyles and responsibilities have changed. Life isn't fair but you have to go on. You deserve a "poor baby" and a consoling hug. There still may be a party for you at home that is just in early planning stages. February is still a long way off. Perhaps this is why they are not attending the out of town bachelorette. If the hometown party doesn't happen, gather your friends for that girls get together you mentioned .

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-showers-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc3ca43-db38-4e87-8858-3137c80403edPost:3a05174b-782c-4040-b692-2cfed729073f">Bachelorette / Showers--- advice please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a 36 year old bride to be.  it's taken me a LONG time to finally meet the right guy and now i'm finally getting married.  with that said, i have been in MANY weddings as bridesmaids and maid of honor 2x, i have flown to hawaii for my best friends wedding, i have driven and flown to many other out of town weddings/bachelorette parties and now that i live away i fly home for each wedding and send gifts to showers i cannot attend... i do all of this b/c i want to and love my friends dearly!  now that it's my turn to be the bride, i feel sort of frustrated. it's been 10 years since some of my friends were married, so as you can imagine, they have children and many other important obligations to their families and careers, etc.  my frustration lies in the idea that alot of my friends are saying no to coming to an out of town bachelorette party. i am 100% grateful for those that will come and i'm so happy to have them, but there are a few key important friends that i will truly miss being there, and it is saddening to me.  these are friends that i have been there for their weddings, flown to, hosted showers for, etc.  and now with their other obligations they are unavailable.  Also, since i live away from my hometown in the same city as my matron of honor she is hosting a shower for me here, so i have a small group of friends that will be invited, but not my hometown friends (due to the distance).  i was hoping a bridesmaid in my hometown would host a shower or girls get together in my hometown for me.... especially since these are most of the girls that will not be coming to the out of town bachelorette weekend.  the problem is, no one has offered.  i have sort of hinted that i will be in town for a family shower on a specific weekend in Feb, but no one picked up on it.  i'm at the point where i am feeling very sad about it!  the last thing i want is for anyone to spend alot of $ or do anything outlandish, i just want a get together at someone's house or out a restaurant... something simple! i'm even willing to contribute paying for food, etc.  does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?  i feel sort of greedy that i even feel this way.... i feel sad and sort of stuck!  please help. thank you!
Posted by furmur12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I understand your disappointment. It is always frustrating when you feel like you have put something into a friendship and the other person does not reciprocate.  However, please keep in mind that there are many reasons your friends may not be able to attend out of town bachelorette parties or other events.  I would personally not fly to a bachelorette party or shower for anyone other than my sister.  As a teacher, I do have summers off, but during the school year, I only have two personal days.  So taking any time off of work is tough for me.  Some of your friends may have similar restrictions due to commitments with their jobs or families.  It is nice that you have done these things for friends in the past, but please be understanding that not everyone can/will reciprocate.  PPs have some great suggestions.  As long as you don't call it a bachelorette party or make it wedding focused, there is nothing wrong with you hosting  a girls night to get together with these friends.

</div>

Avion22

If it was super-important to you for these friend to be at your bachelorette, then why didn't you run your plans past them before accepting the bach-party your friend was throwing?    "Susan, I really appreciate your offer to plan a party for me in Vegas, but it's really important to me that some friends from back home be able to attend, and they just can't swing this right now.  Can we look at a venue that's closer to home?"

AND...I've been married twice and had 0 wedding showers.  Nobody offered to throw me any, so I didn't have any.  NBD.  I really like the idea of having a non-shower get together with your friends from back home though.  That would be a really nice (and non-wedding-related) way to hang out with them.

MrsGandthebeag

Are these friends attending your wedding?  It's really a lot to ask of your friends to fly out for a bparty/shower and then again for the wedding.  I wouldn't do that for anyone.  I'd much rather attend the actual wedding than a prewedding party if I had to chose.  

Peledreamsofrain

My sister didn't get married until she was 34.  She didn't get any shower, and didn't care because she understood that all her friends and family were out of state.  I was her MOH, but I was cripplingly poor at the time.  It took everything I had to scrape together enough money to go to her wedding and pay for the dress.

You have a right to being down about not getting something you hoped for, but you don't have a right to obsess over it, and let it fester into resentment towards people you love.  That's no good for you or your relationships.  It's just a party.  A party shouldn't have the power to do that to you or your life.

Also, stop making it so hard to be your friend.  Why the out of town bachelorette party?  Those are notorious for being difficult and expensive to attend.  It's like you are setting up some kind of friendship obstacle course and grading your friends.  Stop it.

furmur12

thanks so much for your feedback.  i appreciate hearing it from fellow brides.  honestly, you don't know what it feels like until you are actually the bride. no matter how many weddings i have been in for my family and friends, its totally different in the bride position!  i really appreciate your support. i feel better already!   i am ABSOLUTELY GRATEFUL for anyone who would attend a shower, give me a gift, fly to a bachelorette, all of it.... seeing everyone at the wedding for US will be such an overwheliming feeling of support and gratefulness.  i do not resent any of my friends for not coming and i have NOT told any of them i am disspointed or anything. i totally understand that everyone hsa priorities/life challenges/responsibilitles.. my reason for coming to this board is to just get support from you all since i don't want to talk to my friends about it--- i don't what them to know that i feel sad. i do'nt want them to feel bad about not coming.  so please know that i'm not going around saying how upset, grading my friends or making 'friendship obstacles' i am or anything like that. 

all of the girls i have mentioned are all invited to the wedding... i'm having my wedding in my hometown, so they will be able to attend with no travel costs.  since i live in Boston, i'm having my bachelortte party in NYC which is a destination i thought people would enjoy coming from my hometown or Boston.   i know travelling to bachelorettes are hard to do.  i have done it for some but not all... depends on how close i am with the bride honestly.  i invited girls i have a close friendship with... and again, i will not resent any of them for not coming but i will miss them and hope to see them at a gathering or shower or something when i go home for my family shower.

thanks girls!

furmur12

i meant to add---- does anyone feel like the day of the wedding will FLY BY so fast that it will be too hard to enjoy time with guests? i'm worried that the time will fly by with non wedding party friends that i don't see often in my home town.  it's so hard to get together to spend quality time w/ girls from back home.  i guess maybe i need to think about moving back! i just miss them!  this is the root of my problem here i think
anyway it helps to talk it out on here. thanks.