Usher Issue

LittleMissCutiePie

FI asked a mutual friend of ours to be an usher. Now, he keeps saying he's in the wedding party. He's said this not just to us, but also in front of our other friends. Our WP is family and very close childhood friends.. These friends which he's been bragging (and I mean bragging) to are our college friends, and we didn't ask them to stand up for us because we don't feel as close to them as those we've asked. I've already pulled him aside and told him, very gently, that he's an usher not a groomsman, and he understands, but he keeps referring to himself as being part of the wedding party. I'm sorry, ushers aren't part of the wedding party, right? Am I the confused one?

brilibby4

I think you are worrying WAY too much about his "title".  Who cares what he calls himself?  As long as he understands his role, you have nothing to worry about.

ajdarrell

What's the big deal though? He's just making an ass out of himself and it will be very clear when he's not in the pictures or up at the alter. Let him say it, its obviously for his ego unless its offending anyone. Really he just looks like a douche in the end

HandBanana

I refered to our ushers as WP members. I don't think it is a problem. He will figure it out at the RD if he is confused.

LittleMissCutiePie

My issue is that people have voiced to me that they are hurt/offended that John Doe is in the wedding party, and they're not. I wanted to avoid this from the very start; it's becoming a major headache.

ETA:

SM: I'm not trying to force the issue. The one time I took him aside I literally was as gentle as I could be about it. And he just laughed and said that he understood that he wasn't a groomsman.

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_usher-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bec6761c-c1eb-4145-bbc9-d410dcef263dPost:09469ba8-49aa-4c5e-b82a-f3f3f23a1c1f">Re: Usher Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My issue is that people have voiced to me that they are hurt/offended that John Doe is in the wedding party, and they're not. I wanted to avoid this from the very start; it's becoming a major headache.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

Well...he is in your wedding and they are not.  Right? 

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Usher Issue:[QUOTE]My issue is that people have voiced to me that they are hurt/offended that John Doe is in the wedding party, and they're not. I wanted to avoid this from the very start; it's becoming a major headache. Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

Those people are rude and wrong, not him. Also, he is in the wedding still so I don't think you should be placating them with saying he isn't technically in the WP or he is only an usher, not a GM. Actually, IMO ushers are more important than GM.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Usher Issue:[QUOTE]My issue is that people have voiced to me that they are hurt/offended that John Doe is in the wedding party, and they're not. I wanted to avoid this from the very start; it's becoming a major headache. Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]
They need to get over it. John Doe shouldn't be "bragging," if that's what he's doing. But, really, these people need to get over it. The fact that they're telling you they're offended makes them the offensive ones.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_usher-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bec6761c-c1eb-4145-bbc9-d410dcef263dPost:044fa6ba-a298-4562-8250-46cf0c78ae01">Re: Usher Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Usher Issue : Well...he is in your wedding and they are not.  Right? 
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

He's an usher, though, when I say "in the wedding" I'm referring to GMs. And I look like the asshole when I tell people that he's not a groomsman, he's an usher.

Edit: People are saying they're hurt he's a groomsman. When he's not.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_usher-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bec6761c-c1eb-4145-bbc9-d410dcef263dPost:f3274f32-bb04-4c0f-bf04-5f01aaa1c6cf">Re:Usher Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Usher Issue: Life lesson 7: you cannot control other people or their emotions. Anyone who would come to you and tell you they are hurt you didn't have them in the wedding party is a tool bag anyway and incredibly rude. What would you do if they were saying that because of someone who IS in your WP? Ask those people to lie about being a bM or a gM? When someone says that to you, just say "Well, John's an usher, not a groomsman, but I'm sorry your hurt." and move the fluck on. It's not a big deal, really.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Side note: Fluck is my favorite curse word now since I've been on these boards.

You're all right, I am making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. However, it's just one more thing I don't need, and I'm getting frustrated is all.

HandBanana

I do not see an issue with your usher. I see an issue with all these people telling you they are butt hurt because John was picked and they weren't.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_usher-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bec6761c-c1eb-4145-bbc9-d410dcef263dPost:95dfda09-454e-4c6b-ab12-78017dbce4c8">Re:Usher Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Usher Issue: But that IS forcing the issue. There was no need for you to pull him aside and explain that to him like a child no matter how gently you put it. Honestly, I think it was rude of you to do so and you are lucky he just laughed and didnt get pissed. Yes, it's immature to be going around and bragging, but it is absolutely nowhere near as bad as the people confronting you about it. So, he's excited to be an usher. So what? My advice still stands not to bring it up again and let it go.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

You are wise, SM. It was rude of me; I probably owe him an apology. I'm glad he's excited to be an usher; really you are right that the issue is not with <span style="font-style:italic;">him</span> but with those who are bringing it up. Let it go I shall; at least, I'll try.

secondtimemob

In my opinion, an usher is a member of the wedding part.  He rents a tux just like the groomsmen, takes part in your ceremony by seating your guests, is in your photos, and is listed in your programs. Hopefully, he is also seated at the head table or with other wedding party members and their SO's.  Being told "you are only an usher" is a huge insult.  I would assume he is either your FI's friend or yours.  WOW.

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_usher-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bec6761c-c1eb-4145-bbc9-d410dcef263dPost:9fa9d6b3-041b-4bab-bbb3-11aa4c48c7b3">Re: Usher Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In my opinion, an usher is a member of the wedding part.  He rents a tux just like the groomsmen, takes part in your ceremony by seating your guests, is in your photos, and is listed in your programs. Hopefully, he is also seated at the head table or with other wedding party members and their SO's.  Being told "you are only an usher" is a huge insult.  I would assume he is either your FI's friend or yours.  WOW.
Posted by secondtimemob[/QUOTE]

Our ushers are just wearing nice clothes that they already own.  We did not ask them to rent tuxes. 

runpipparun

"Well, Stephen, the reason we didn't ask you to be an usher is that your sense of direction isn't as keen as Dave's. Remember in college when you couldn't find Jack in the Box after the SAE formal? Well, we just don't trust you to get Great Aunt Edna down the aisle and to her seat without getting lost. Dave, on the other hand, has an uncanny sense of direction. Bummer for you, dude."