Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?

LeahNT

My FI and I can't afford a giant reception, we're both grad students and are trying to keep costs low.  The problem is we can't afford to invite any of our friends because the families are so large.  He and I recently went to a wedding where the bride and groom did something like this (idea is below) and no one seemed to notice and it was a ton of fun.

Idea: 

Invite everyone we would like to be at our wedding to the wedding.  Invite only family to the formal dinner (they will be invited to stay for drinks, dancing, etc). Our friends will also be invited to the ceremony but will get a reception card inviting them at a certain time to drinks (open bar) and dancing.  We would not start any of the traditional festivities until 8:45 so that's when our friends would be invited.  So both groups get save the dates (which will read "save the date for our wedding ceremony - or something similar), both groups will be invited to drinks and dancing, but only family and bridal party will be invited to dinner.  

Our reception place will work with us if we decide to do this and only charge us the bar price per person for the extra guests (which we can swing).   My question is, is this rude? I know it's unconventional and unorthodox but we are literally heartbroken over not being able to invite any friends because our family is so large. 

AdeleDazeem

No.  Tiered receptions are rude.  Just invite who you can afford.

aragx6

That's a tiered reception and they're completely unacceptable from an etiquette standpoint. Invite whomever you can afford to the entirety of the wedding. Your friends will understand if they don't make the cut far more than if you do something this rude. Sorry!

adamar15

That's a tiered reception, and yes, it's incredibly rude.  It's like saying "I like you enough to let you watch me get married, but not enough to feed you dinner." 

midgetthemighty

No. Just because someone else did this, doesn't make it right.

Can you cut out something else to make more room for your friends to attend the entire thing? Videographer? Cheaper caterer/photographer? etc.

midgetthemighty

Make your own bouquets? iPod DJ?

JessAndTrav

Definitely rude. If money is an issue and you don't want to cut back anywhere, then just have a small, intimate ceremony and reception with those that you can afford.

LeahNT

literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... am I alone with this?

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:7d0fa154-b6b8-4737-ac4a-9bf00e5b973f">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... am I alone with this?
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

It's not strange, it's rude. 

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:7d0fa154-b6b8-4737-ac4a-9bf00e5b973f">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... <strong>am I alone with this</strong>?
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

You're probably not entirely alone, but I will tell you right now that I would never forget this. It's a massive slight and it would damage my friendship with you. I gurantee you that some of your friends will feel exactly the same way, even if they wouldn't say it to your face. Either host them properly or not at all. This isn't about tradition; it's about being a gracious host.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:7d0fa154-b6b8-4737-ac4a-9bf00e5b973f">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... am I alone with this?
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

<div>You <em>can</em> do this if you want. But it won't be following proper etiquette. How many friends are you talking about?</div>

baystateapple

Why would you ever think it's okay to tell your friends they can only come to part of the reception?

Also, what do you expect them to do when your "better" guests are eating dinner?  Go out to Arby's?

I see this question all the time, and I just can't fathom how anyone can think it's okay to only invite people to part of the party.

AdeleDazeem

You have some options here, but none of them are having a teired reception.  Please get that idea out of your head now.

1. Cut back on family in circles.  Example: Invite first cousins but not their children.  Don't feel the need to invite every family member EVER.  It's perfectly okay to keep it to family that you do see regularly and mix in some friends.

2. Change up the time of day for your wedding.  Start your ceremony at 8pm so then you'd only have to feed everyone light apps and dessert.  Then you can invite more people and still host them appropriately.

3. Just invite your family.  Your friends will understand.  You are excited about your wedding, but you are making a very clear cut off by saying "family only."  Friends can't be (and most likely won't be) upset by those kind of lines. 

Personally, I'd be far more upset by an invite to half a wedding that overtly says 'I can't pay for you at all, but please still come!  My wedding is so important that I know you are dying to be apart of it!!"  I know you don't see it that way, but outsiders will. 

kimandjosh22

if you want to include everyone cut costs other ways.  less expensive entrees, or maybe lots of more filling hor d'oeuvres instead of a sit down meal (but don't let your guests go hungry)? Just open beer and wine? cupcakes are generally less expensive than cake. 

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:7d0fa154-b6b8-4737-ac4a-9bf00e5b973f">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... am I alone with this?
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

<div>As her friend, I would understand that she had huge families to deal with and not everyone can be invited.</div><div>
</div><div>All or nothing.  There are no special circumstances or passes on this one.  It is one event for everyone invited.</div>

midgetthemighty

Actually, I'm much more understanding of not being invited at all than being invited to only a part of it. Some of your friends will undoubtedly feel the same way. The difference is they'd never say it to your face but you could lose them over it and have "no idea why".

I gave you a lot of ways you can cut down your costs. Have you looked into any of those options? What about kids? Is cutting them an option to make room for your friends?

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:7d0fa154-b6b8-4737-ac4a-9bf00e5b973f">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]literally our entire guest list is family. Zero friends - brides, would your friends be understanding if they knew you enough? Wouldn't they rather celebrate with you over drinks and dancing than not at all? I know it's not traditional and it's a little strange, but if a friend did this to me and I knew her well enough to know her situation, I would be understanding.  I would rather watch her get married and join for drinks and dancing than miss her wedding day all together... am I alone with this?
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

If a dear friend was getting married and couldn't fully host, and it was local, I'd likely just go to the ceremony (provided it was in a church or other public place).  I certainly would not travel or get a hotel if I wasn't going to be served any food.  Yes, it sounds ok in theory, but we won't be the only people to tell you it is rude, and a lot of friends you might do this to will likely feel badly telling you they think it is rude.

PPs have a lot of good ideas to save money in other areas.  FI and I both have large families and large circles of friends, and we still had to make cuts.  I wouldn't DREAM of telling people to come after dinner just for dancing.  I'm not sure a venue would allow you to do this anyway.

adamar15

Wait a minute.  What changed between March and now?  In March, you knew this was rude: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_classic-situation-but-still-need-advice

GypsySoul01

This might be a stupid question but can you cut out some family? FI and I are having a VERY small wedding that we are paying for ourselves. We decided that it was more important to us to have close friends attend than extended family that we only see once a year. Our parents and siblings are invited, or course, along with FI's grandmother and my aunt to whom I am exceptionally close but that's it. We wanted our wedding to be about people who had loved and supported us throughout our relationship, not some obligation to provide a party for people to whom we happen to be related.

You really can't do a tiered reception. I've been to one and I was extremely annoyed about the gap between the wedding and reception. I won't do it again, I'll just skip the whole thing. Try to find other places to cut. We are doing our own flowers, for example and not having a videographer.

LeahNT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:58730e20-e967-4602-b41e-f26a0d5beb43">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait a minute.  What changed between March and now?  In March, you knew this was rude: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_classic-situation-but-still-need-advice">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_classic-situation-but-still-need-advice</a>
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

<div>We went to a wedding that did this and the guests who were invited to the drinks and dancing said they didn't mind at all so we were revisiting the idea. My gut says not to do this... </div>

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:bea5fc4c-6e90-4dd2-b18f-6c758257ba84">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude? : We went to a wedding that did this and the guests who were invited to the drinks and dancing said they didn't mind at all so we were revisiting the idea. My gut says not to do this... 
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

Did you ask the guests if they were ok with it, or just assume since no one complained?  I'd never speak badly about a bride and groom's choices at their wedding, but I'd tell my FI about how pissed I was that we were only invited to the dancing portion before and after the wedding (or other major no-nos, like the wedding where none of the hors d'oeuvres made it over to us during cocktail hour, even though we were right near the kitchen entrance.)

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:bea5fc4c-6e90-4dd2-b18f-6c758257ba84">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude? : We went to a wedding that did this and the guests who were invited to the drinks and dancing said they didn't mind at all so we were revisiting the idea. <strong>My gut says not to do this... 
</strong>Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

Listen to it.

JessAndTrav

<div>You didn't answer my question---how many friends are you talking? If it's like, 10, then you need to cut back somewhere else. If it's like 50, then you just need to realize that if you want to include them all, then you won't be able to have the more lavish wedding you're wanting.</div><div>
</div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:bea5fc4c-6e90-4dd2-b18f-6c758257ba84">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude? : We went to a wedding that did this and the guests who were invited to the drinks and dancing said they didn't mind at all so we were revisiting the idea. <strong>My gut says not to do this...</strong> 
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE] </div><div>
</div><div>Then why after your first zillion repsonses to say no, did you reply, trying to push your idea since you were such an understanding friend when your friend did this?</div><div>
</div><div>Since you're posting on Etiquette, we're telling you what Etiquette says about this...and that's not to do it. Follow your gut or be prepared for people to side-eye you.</div>

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:bea5fc4c-6e90-4dd2-b18f-6c758257ba84">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude? : We went to a wedding that did this and <strong>the guests who were invited to the drinks and dancing said they didn't mind at all</strong> so we were revisiting the idea. My gut says not to do this... 
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

Maybe they didn't mind.  Maybe they have no idea what proper etiquette dictates.  And maybe they lied.

Point is, just because they SAY they don't mind this faux pas, doesn't make it RIGHT.  Go with your gut, don't do this.

runpipparun

Have you considered changing up the day of your wedding? Having it during the off-season, or on a Friday or a Sunday or during the week? It's not ideal, but you can save a ton of money that way.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:58730e20-e967-4602-b41e-f26a0d5beb43">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait a minute.  What changed between March and now?  In March, you knew this was rude: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_classic-situation-but-still-need-advice">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_classic-situation-but-still-need-advice</a>
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
In this OP she said no one noticed. But obviously people did notice because in the link you give, people noticed. :/


If you're this heartbroken over not having your friends there, then either cut out some family or cut down your costs. You don't have to have a big formal fancy meal.

LeahNT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:43a82611-80b4-4e05-8c1f-2d59dbd25cc0">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]You didn't answer my question---how many friends are you talking? If it's like, 10, then you need to cut back somewhere else. If it's like 50, then you just need to realize that if you want to include them all, then you won't be able to have the more lavish wedding you're wanting. In Response to  Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude? : Then why after your first zillion repsonses to say no, did you reply, trying to push your idea since you were such an understanding friend when your friend did this? Since you're posting on Etiquette, we're telling you what Etiquette says about this...and that's not to do it. Follow your gut or be prepared for people to side-eye you.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

<div>Hi there, sorry I must have missed this one. Thanks for all your advice. 

</div>

hoffse

You shouldn't do this.  If you want to invite people and really feed them, maybe look into a morning wedding with a brunch or something afterwards.  It can be dry, since many people don't drink that time of day - or if you find it in your budget you could do mimosas, bloody marys, and call it a day.  Morning weddings are lovely, refined, and frankly really traditional.  The late night thing with dinner is a relatively new development in the history of weddings.  It's perfectly appropriate to do all the wedding-y things that you would do later - first dance, cake cutting, etc. but it's a lot less food and a lot less expensive because people aren't expecting to eat the biggest meal of the day at your wedding.  As I go to more and more weddings, I think about the couple of morning weddings I've been to and they are really my favorites.  They are tasteful, the perfect length of time, and then I have the rest of the evening to myself.

Do NOT do a tiered reception, please.  I would rather not be invited than be invited to what you're talking about.

LeahNT

Thank you for your kind post! I will consider that! 

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:22006290-1cdc-44d8-bea3-c56090838f95">Re: Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]This might be a stupid question but can you cut out some family? FI and I are having a VERY small wedding that we are paying for ourselves. <strong>We decided that it was more important to us to have close friends attend than extended family that we only see once a year.</strong> Our parents and siblings are invited, or course, along with FI's grandmother and my aunt to whom I am exceptionally close but that's it. We wanted our wedding to be about people who had loved and supported us throughout our relationship, not some obligation to provide a party for people to whom we happen to be related.
Posted by GypsySoul01[/QUOTE]

This is not a stupid question -- it's exactly what we did, largely in part because of the bolded. We wanted to keep our wedding <100 guests. We did a quick run-down of immediate family/aunts/uncles/cousins and their kids. For that alone, not even including non-negotiable friends we wanted there, was well over 200. We decided right away not to invite extended family. It would've been nice to have them there, but it would have turned into a really expensive, massive event when we wanted a smaller, more intimate and affordable wedding.

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dinner-drinks-dancing-would-this-be-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bee34760-418d-488b-8d79-697af1c24125Post:6461d559-c6ba-4a29-821d-c0bd870dbc4e">Dinner, Drinks, Dancing - would this be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I can't afford a giant reception, we're both grad students and are trying to keep costs low.  The problem is we can't afford to invite any of our friends because the families are so large.  He and I recently went to a wedding where the bride and groom did something like this (idea is below) and no one seemed to notice and it was a ton of fun. Idea:  Invite everyone we would like to be at our wedding to the wedding.<strong><u>  Invite only family to the formal dinner</u></strong> (they will be invited to stay for drinks, dancing, etc). Our friends will also be invited to the ceremony but will get a reception card inviting them at a certain time to drinks (open bar) and dancing.  We would not start any of the traditional festivities until 8:45 so that's when our friends would be invited.  So both groups get save the dates (which will read "save the date for our wedding ceremony - or something similar), both groups will be invited to drinks and dancing, but only family and bridal party will be invited to dinner.   Our reception place will work with us if we decide to do this and only charge us the bar price per person for the extra guests (which we can swing).   My question is, is this rude? I know it's unconventional and unorthodox but we are literally heartbroken over not being able to invite any friends because our family is so large. 
Posted by LeahNT[/QUOTE]

Why does it have to be a formal dinner? Why cant you do a buffet? or just serve heavy apps? Have you considered not doing a full open bar but only serving beer and wine?

I would rather not be invited than be invited to a tiered reception. I can just imagine my day going something like this... get all dresses up, go to the ceremony, watch you get married, have to find a restaurant to grab some food, feel really awkward at the restaurant because i am over dressed, show up at your reception, your reception is running late, so i am stuck hovering over your great aunt  watching her finish her salmon until the fun can start. NOT fun.  Oh and watching first dances arent usually fun, but people are normally distracted by food.