Wedding Etiquette Forum

Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband

Two years ago, I used my parents tax person. Last year, I used HR Block. They did it wrong and they 'fixed' it. I had paid too much to Federal and not enough to State. I paid up with the state (and HR Block took care of the small fine). They gave me paper work to get a refund from Federal. It was close to $700.00. This was this time last year, one month before the wedding. I totally forgot about it.

Well, I just got that check in the mail. Would it be immoral of me to cash the check and hide the money until our anniversary trip and surprise H with a couple things we wouldn't be able to do otherwise?

On one hand, this is a refund of MY money, money that was mine before we got married. On the other hand, it's coming to us now when we see all money as 'ours' (joint checking and joint everything.

WWYD?
"In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband

  • It's your money, honey. I say do it. 

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  • What a nice surprise, kinda anyway.

    If the things you intend to buy with it benefit your H, then I don't see it being a big deal. When he asks about it, just tell him the truth so he doesn't think you went out and spent money that was in savings or that you didn't have.
  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    I think since you're planning on using the money for something for the 2 of you then it's ok.  I find it really hard to surprise Mr Stack b/c what's mine is yours is how our household is.  Our accounts are linked and we see everything. 

    I think this could be a really great thing you could do for your H. 

    Disclaimer:  Of course if you're broke and struggling and your car is about to get repo'd then NO.  But I know that isn't the case so use it for fun for the both of you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:39b65b8c-d119-41c4-9ef6-8baba196a785">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]What a nice surprise, kinda anyway. If the things you intend to buy with it benefit your H, then I don't see it being a big deal. When he asks about it, just tell him the truth so he doesn't think you went out and spent money that was in savings or that you didn't have.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]
    Very nice surprise! What's that say about the IRS though, a year??

    I was thinking I could let him go crazy at the Nike store and more than one nice dinner :)
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I'd say surprise and go with MissySue's answer.

  • I'd tell my guy about it, but he does all the financial stuff (I've got holes in my pockets!!). If your money is relatively separate, I'd keep it a secret for a nice treat on your honeymoon :D
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:0361992c-eb2f-46a6-adab-a0efb4a3ae1c">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think since you're planning on using the money for something for the 2 of you then it's ok.  I find it really hard to surprise Mr Stack b/c what's mine is yours is how our household is.  Are accounts are linked and we see everything.  I think this could be a really great thing you could do for your H.  Disclaimer:  Of course if you're broke and struggling and your car is about to get repo'd then NO.  But I know that isn't the case so use it for fun for the both of you.
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
    Well we weren't sure we were going to go on the trip. But we just got our taxes back from this year, and it's 3x what we thought it was. We plan on spending half on the trip and half in savings. So this way we could still do both, but be able to do a little more on the trip.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I'm jealous.  I wish I were getting a tax return. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:6227ce29-c6fa-49c4-bb9a-5240cf087b07">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd tell my guy about it, but he does all the financial stuff (I've got holes in my pockets!!). If your money is relatively separate, I'd keep it a secret for a nice treat on your honeymoon :D
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
    Our accounts are totally linked, so I would need to cash the check and hide the money in a drawer or something. So I would actually be hiding it from him and then I would tell him once the trip rolls around.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I think that's ok. I would consider the money "ours," not "mine" even if it technically was mine from before, but that's because we merged everything long before we got married and I always think of all our money as ours. But if you don't "need" it for anything else and you're planning on using it for both of you anyway, I think it's ok to present it as a surprise later instead of right now.
  • Do whatever you want with it, it's your money.  I don't think there's a moral or ethical dilemma here.
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  • I've ALWAYS had to pay. ALWAYS. I'm shocked about how much we're getting. But then again, I've never had a real job before so I didn't know what to expect. I think we're actually witholding too much. We'll probably adjust next year.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • noodle_oonoodle_oo member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    I dont' know, how would you "hide" the money if you guys only have joint accounts?  I agree the money is yours to do with as you like, but I don't feel like hiding money is a healthy thing to do in a relationship.  I'd tell him about it and tell him what you are planning to do with it.  Then safely deposit it somewhere.

    ETA:  jsut saw your post.  yeah, I woudl NOT hide $700 in a drawer!  That's just aksing for trouble.  Some examples:

    Your husband finds it and spends it.
    Your husband finds it and thinks you have a problem (gambling, drinking, etc, etc).
    You get robbed and it gets taken.
    A visitor to your house finds it and steals it.

    I know I'm exaggerating, but $700 is too much cash to hide in your house to me.
  • It might not mean much coming from a newb, but I think you have a great plan for that money.

    Doubtful anyone would be angry at you for surprising them with presents and nice dinners out!


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:77a0da83-b994-49d7-9c8b-15a13a9db16c">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont' know, how would you "hide" the money if you guys only have joint accounts?  I agree the money is yours to do with as you like, but I don't feel like hiding money is a healthy thing to do in a relationship.  I'd tell him about it and tell him what you are planning to do with it.  Then safely deposit it somewhere.
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]
    I was thinking of literally cashing it, getting the bills and putting it in my undewear drawer.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • What's a tax refund?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:3f74de3c-951b-47c1-aaef-55a969cb1303">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband : I was thinking of literally cashing it, getting the bills and putting it in my undewear drawer.
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    see my update, above!  Please don't hide it in your drawer!  That's a bad idea.
  • i dont think its a moral or ethical dilemma, but i personally wouldnt hide money from my spouse nor would i want him to hide money from me.

    what's the harm in saying "oh, i got my income tax refund, i was planning to put it away for a rainy day.  sound good to you?  chances are, he'll say "its yours, do what you want" and then forget about it.

    i guess my point is you dont want him to find out later, and then give him any reason to doubt or think that you are a regular money hider/hoarder.  i always say honesty is the best policy.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:f88826a2-0566-4742-960a-92733de4c359">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband : see my update, above!  Please don't hide it in your drawer!  That's a bad idea.
    Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]
    Hahaha funny examples. My only worry would be getting robbed. H sure as hell won't find it. H never does laundry so he would have no reason to be in there.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I have a lot of cash in my house (well, not like tons, but serveral hundred dollars).  I've never had a problem.  H doesn't go snooping through my drawers, so I think your plan is a good idea.  
    That being said, you're a much better wife than I am.  I would be spending that money on myself :)
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  • and folks, you actually dont want to get a big refund.  it means you are giving uncle sam use of your money, interest free, for an entire year.  that's money that could be in your pocket every week or better yet taken out pre-tax into your deferred comp.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ethical-moral-question-re-money-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf59b004-d183-4730-8e18-6a4e5206f513Post:0361992c-eb2f-46a6-adab-a0efb4a3ae1c">Re: Ethical (moral?) question Re: Money and husband</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think since you're planning on using the money for something for the 2 of you then it's ok.  I find it really hard to surprise Mr Stack b/c what's mine is yours is how our household is.  Our accounts are linked and we see everything.  I think this could be a really great thing you could do for your H.  Disclaimer:  Of course if you're broke and struggling and your car is about to get repo'd then NO.  But I know that isn't the case so use it for fun for the both of you.
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto this exactly.  We have a really hard time hiding anything because we have joint everything.  The only account he doesn't know the online passwords to is our Discover card, so when I surprised him with a TV I had to put it on there.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I would either surprise him with things for and/or on the trip or when it's time to go on the trip, tell him about the money and ask what he wants to splurge on.  </div>
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  • I don't think there's anything really ethically wrong with your plan, but it's not something I would feel comfortable doing.
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  • Well, we're kinda bad with money. If I put it in the bank it will get get piddled away. If it's not in the bank, I can't just swipe it all away.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I'd keep the check as it is and then cash it shortly before your vacation. You've got a while before you have to cash it, and it seems like it'd be easier and safer to hide one check vs. 7 $100 bills.
  • i honestly would not be worried about anything happening to the money if you hid it as you described.

    It's from taxes you paid prior to marriage so it's yours
  • I guess I just don't feel I need to run all my financial decisions past my husband, especially when it is my money.  I don't think it's being dishonest at all.  It's not like you're taking the money, spending it on blow and then telling him you donated it to charity.   
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  • I'm also in the same "its our money" boat- would your husband believe there are "other ideas" for the money?  I understand you just got a tax refund and are putting some of it towards savings, so it appears you guys are squared away in the financial goals arena, but would he be all "I wish you would've told me because maybe that could've gone towards paying off the vet bill..."  or something.  If you guys are squared away in that dept, have fun with the extra money!
  • If you're going to surprise him with stuffs I'd totally not tell him. 

    If you wanted to go buy a new wardrobe, well then I think it should be at least discussed so he knows where the new clothes and funding came from.

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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