BM's Teenage Daughter - Advice Needed

Meagan78

So one of my BMs is recently divorced, not dating anyone, etc.  I invited her alone to the wedding, along with two other very-much-single WP members.  She RSVP'd for 2 and told me she is bringing her 13 year-old daughter.  I acquiesced because she is in my WP and, having been a single mom myself, I know how hard and expensive it can be to get a sitter.  And she's paying for her dress, shoes, etc., so what could I really say?  Don't want to be a jerk.

But... this was before my shower and now I am really regretting saying yes, if only because I am worried she will drive me nuts.  The little girl talks incessantly.  INCESSANTLY.  At my shower, she kept interrupting everyone's conversations and going on, and on, and ON about random stuff.  My friends and family were getting irritated but her mother said nothing and what could I do?  My BM came by my house today and, again, the girl kept interrupting us and talking nonstop.

So it's not that I don't want her to come to the wedding.  There will be PLENTY of people there she can talk to.  It's the before time that worries me.  There is prep, pictures of the bridal party, etc.  I don't really see any way around this but I am so worried she's going to drive me up a wall prior to our ceremony. 

WWYD?  I'm thinking I will find her a task to help out with, such as manning the guest book table or setting something up so she feels special and, bonus, is out of my hair.  Or I will see if someone will hang out with her while we do pictures and stuff.  The thing is that her mother is just oblivious (and I get it - we always see the best in our kids).  And usually I'm sweet and engage her and try to let it roll off but I know this is going to be an issue.  Thoughts?

mysticl

The girl sounds like a fairly typical chatter box teenager to me.  Her mom is probably adopting the "pick your battles" method of parenting.  Or she's just so used to it she tunes it out. 

Giving her some jobs to do before the wedding could help keep her busy.  Are there any other teens coming that maybe you could have her introduced to?  Or portable DVD player for the time prior to the wedding.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bms-teenage-daughter-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf85a5af-4756-4f2c-a69d-cfe34aff2b12Post:6853a2db-0be1-4d2b-9c6e-58a228b5e665">BM's Teenage Daughter - Advice Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]So one of my BMs is recently divorced, not dating anyone, etc. <strong> I invited her alone to the wedding</strong>, along with two other very-much-single WP members.  She RSVP'd for 2 and told me she is bringing her 13 year-old daughter.  I acquiesced because she is in my WP and, having been a single mom myself, I know how hard and expensive it can be to get a sitter.  And she's paying for her dress, shoes, etc., so what could I really say?  Don't want to be a jerk. But... this was before my shower and now <strong>I am really regretting saying yes</strong>, if only because I am worried she will drive me nuts.  The little girl talks incessantly.  INCESSANTLY.  At my shower, she kept interrupting everyone's conversations and going on, and on, and ON about random stuff.  My friends and family were getting irritated but her mother said nothing and what could I do?  My BM came by my house today and, again, the girl kept interrupting us and talking nonstop. So it's not that I don't want her to come to the wedding.  There will be PLENTY of people there she can talk to.  It's the before time that worries me.  There is prep, pictures of the bridal party, etc.  I don't really see any way around this but I am so worried she's going to drive me up a wall prior to our ceremony.  WWYD?  I'm thinking I will find her a task to help out with, such as manning the guest book table or setting something up so she feels special and, bonus, is out of my hair.  Or I will see if someone will hang out with her while we do pictures and stuff.  The thing is that her mother is just oblivious (and I get it - we always see the best in our kids).  And usually I'm sweet and engage her and try to let it roll off but I know this is going to be an issue.  Thoughts?
<p>Posted by Meagan78[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>There's two issues here. The first is that it was rude of you to invite a member of your bridal party without an 'and guest' invite. It's customary that bridal party members get a 'and guest' invitation, so she may have presumed that this was an oversight, but replying for two without checking with you is also on the rude side.</p><p> </p><p>My response to having her daughter as her guest is dependent upon the rest of your plans; are other kids invited? If so, I would say that you should let this one go. If not, I'd have suggested that you responded to her rsvp by letting her know that no kids were invited... </p><p> </p><p>Given that it seems you've already responded and allowed the daughter to come, the whole issue is somewhat redundant. You can't exactly retract that without expecting that you'll cause significant offense to your BM. Wanting to retract your agreement over the kid being on the talkative side is really a little silly- there are far worse things that can happen and you probably won't even notice her on the day. I also agree with the above poster- give her some jobs to keep her occupied. If her motormouth is really THAT bad, well, I'm afraid yours did you no favours either in agreeing to have her there. There's honestly not a lot you can do if you want to retain your BM's friendship.</p>

quotequeen

She RSVP'd for 2 and told me she is bringing her 13 year-old daughter.  I acquiesced because she is in my WP and, having been a single mom myself, I know how hard and expensive it can be to get a sitter.

A 13 year old needs a sitter?  When I was 13 I was the babysitter.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bms-teenage-daughter-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf85a5af-4756-4f2c-a69d-cfe34aff2b12Post:c5d1a5d4-4269-47b9-aa0d-95d29baa947c">Re: BM's Teenage Daughter - Advice Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]She RSVP'd for 2 and told me she is bringing her 13 year-old daughter.  I acquiesced because she is in my WP and, having been a single mom myself, I know how hard and expensive it can be to get a sitter. A 13 year old needs a sitter?  When I was 13 I was the babysitter.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

13 years old is 8th grade, for goodness sake.  No babysitter needed.

I think she sounds like a normal teenager - very chatty with a lot ot say.  I do understand how you feel, but such is life.  Will you have any other teenage girls in attendance at the wedding?  You could maybe invite a few them early to hang out with the adults, but they could mainly keep to themselves?  If she's so talkative, she'll probably chat it up with anyone.  I was scared to talk to adults at that age so... kudos for confidence :)

sarabellam

Hmm, I must be an overprotective helicopter mom, because I think 13 is a bit young to leave for that long unsupervised. If it were just the couple of hours for the wedding, fine. But the way the OP makes it sound, the BM has a full day of wedding shiit to do (preparations, pictures, etc.)

OP, you're pretty much stuck since you opened your mouth and agreed to let her come.

skippylouwho

Depending on what time this wedding reception wraps up and the BM gets home, 13 is too young to be home alone. If it's 2-4 hours in the afternoon, possibly. 10, 11, 12  at night - no way.

Whether I'd leave a 13 year-old at home alone during the day would depend on where I lived and a lot of other information - is there a grandma or someone she could call in an emergency.

jnic0319

I have to agree with PP that at 13 I was the babysitter.  I baby sat late at night and during the day.  She could have had a sleep over at a friends house or stayed home by herself.

If she is the only teenager going I would give her a job to do that keeps her out of your way, it's too late to say no now.

Meagan78

Thanks all.  She is the only teen - no other kids except my 7 year-old son. I did tell her we weren't having kids at the ceremony.  She still wanted to bring her.  I'm going to come up with some fun and creative things for her to do while we are getting ready (in the bridal room) and taking pictures (outside on country club lawn).  I know I said yes and so I'm stuck.  The girl is mentally ill (bipolar) and that doesn't help her chattiness because she's in a manic phase right now.  My Dad's also bipolar so I'm sympathetic.  Maybe I'll have them hang out. 

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bms-teenage-daughter-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf85a5af-4756-4f2c-a69d-cfe34aff2b12Post:23fd802f-a3bb-42be-be73-97e68554faa7">Re: BM's Teenage Daughter - Advice Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks all.  She is the only teen - no other kids except my 7 year-old son. I did tell her we weren't having kids at the ceremony.  She still wanted to bring her.  I'm going to come up with some fun and creative things for her to do while we are getting ready (in the bridal room) and taking pictures (outside on country club lawn).  I know I said yes and so I'm stuck.  The girl is mentally ill (bipolar) and that doesn't help her chattiness because she's in a manic phase right now. <strong> My Dad's also bipolar so I'm sympathetic.  Maybe I'll have them hang out. </strong>
Posted by Meagan78[/QUOTE]


Having a sister who is bi-polar and a FSIL who I think is but won't get diagnosed, this made me LOL because I always threaten to put them in a room together.  It's kind of mean, but funny too.

Meagan78

jnic0319 Thanks - glad someone else gets the humor.  My FI's Aunt is, also.  I wish I had an easy way to sit her and my Dad together.  My Dad, like my BM's daughter, will also talk your ear off.    But I love him!!

mysticl

The bipolar explains why the mother doesn't reprimand her, won't do any good and why she can't be left home alone, that could be a disaster especially if she's not stable.

Birdie1483

Could you possibly ask your BM if there are any activities that her daughter likes to do so you could arrange something to keep her occupied? Like a PP said, DVD or some random wedding related job. Possibly spin it like I know some of these wedding things could be boring for a 13 year old, so if she gets bored after awhile is there anything you think she would like to do? I'm bad with words, but I would try to make it sound like you're trying to be a hospitable host and dont want your guest getting bored so you want to provide something. I'm not sure what 13 year olds like to do, but her mother might know an activity wedding related or not that her daughter would enjoy.

My first thought was that she might have been nervous being around a bunch of grown ups that she didn't know at a bridal shower, so she started talking talking talking. I have a few friends who are bipolar, but I don't talk or hand out with them enough to see how it manifests itself. I just thought the talking might be a nervous impulse.

Meagan78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bms-teenage-daughter-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bf85a5af-4756-4f2c-a69d-cfe34aff2b12Post:e9404292-ffd8-4429-b97d-d418d292300a">Re: BM's Teenage Daughter - Advice Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]The bipolar explains why the mother doesn't reprimand her, won't do any good and why she can't be left home alone, that could be a disaster especially if she's not stable.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

Yep.  She threatened to harm herself a few times last year during a depressive phase.  :(  I get it, I do.  I think I will find a way to ask Mom in a kind, "how can we make this fun for daughter" way about tasks that the girl would enjoy to keep her occupied.