Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rude guest, polite response?

Ok people, you may or may not believe this one.  I'm getting married in 5 days.  A woman, whom I'll call T, sent me a text message this morning.  She wanted to know if this other woman, M, could come to the wedding.  She said she'd bring a gift, but wasn't sure since she didn't get an official invite.  T has brought M to some parties before, so I've met her once or twice.  Also, a few years ago (before my fiance and I were dating) she tried to get him to date M.  Our venue is not all that small, but we did have to cut people that were important in our lives in order to have enough space for people that are really important in our lives.  And it's not an inexpensive venue or something, either.  We are paying a lot of money per plate for dinner.  Plus, 5 days from the wedding we have turned in final numbers for the caterers.  Why would she think it was ok for her to invite an extra person to our wedding? She didn't get an official invite because she was not invited!  My answer to her was this, " We have already turned in our final numbers, and our space is limited.  We even had to make cuts of important people to make room for really important people (like you and your family).  She is welcome to come to the ceremony, but we will not have space for her at the reception."  Was that an appropriate response?  I want to try to be classy, even if she is being rude.

Re: Rude guest, polite response?

  • Eh.  I wouldn't have invited her to the ceremony either.  But yeah, there's not much you can do here, especially with only 5 days to go.
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  • I would've left it at "We have already turned in our final numbers, and our space is limited" but I don't think what you said is wrong.
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  • Ignore the txt
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:cb1794d2-91f7-4078-aa7b-9ab6f49ddf06">Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok people, you may or may not believe this one.  I'm getting married in 5 days.  A woman, whom I'll call T, sent me a text message this morning.  She wanted to know if this other woman, M, could come to the wedding.  She said she'd bring a gift, but wasn't sure since she didn't get an official invite.  T has brought M to some parties before, so I've met her once or twice.  Also, a few years ago (before my fiance and I were dating) she tried to get him to date M.  Our venue is not all that small, but we did have to cut people that were important in our lives in order to have enough space for people that are really important in our lives.  And it's not an inexpensive venue or something, either.  We are paying a lot of money per plate for dinner.  Plus, 5 days from the wedding we have turned in final numbers for the caterers.  Why would she think it was ok for her to invite an extra person to our wedding? She didn't get an official invite because she was not invited!  My answer to her was this, "<strong> We have already turned in our final numbers, </strong>and our space is limited.  We even had to make cuts of important people to make room for really important people (like you and your family).  She is welcome to come to the ceremony, but we will not have space for her at the reception."  Was that an appropriate response?  I want to try to be classy, even if she is being rude.
    Posted by Lalae910[/QUOTE]


    This is where you should have stopped with possibly an "I'm sorry" added.  You should not have invited her to the ceremony.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:4058283e-aaf4-468d-936a-b4eb595f3efb">Re: Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ignore the txt
    Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>Excellent reading comprehension skills.</div>
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  • I wouldn't have even invited her to the ceremony. But what's done is done. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:cb1794d2-91f7-4078-aa7b-9ab6f49ddf06">Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  My answer to her was this, " We have already turned in our final numbers, and our space is limited.  <strong>We even had to make cuts of important people to make room for really important people (like you and your family).</strong>  She is welcome to come to the ceremony, but we will not have space for her at the reception." 
    Posted by Lalae910[/QUOTE]


    This line is weird.  I don't know why you told her you had to cut people in order to accommodate her and her family (even if they are really important).  I think this line might get her upset...so don't be surprised if you get another text.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:60bb1ca4-0994-49b7-a1c3-75c5a82982a6">Re: Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude guest, polite response? : Excellent reading comprehension skills.
    Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

    OMFG....I am human and I made a mistake
    You clearly are perfect and I pity you that you feel the need to use energy to point out someone's mistake
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:0b5cd1fc-9820-48a2-b14c-c2b7592815ee">Re: Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude guest, polite response? : She already answered her...
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    Yes I realized that after posting, my bad

    I have already been reprimanded, but thanks for being nicer about it
  • ems27ems27 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments

    If you wanted to include the having to limit your guest list part, I would have likely phrased it as, "we already had to limit our list," or, "there was even some family we weren't able to accomodate," something like that.  But really I think, "I'm sorry, we've already turned in our final numbers to catering so are really unable to accomodate anyone further.  I am so looking forward to seeing you!" would have been sufficient :-)

    I'd say your response was plenty reasonable.

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  • My mother suggested I let her know she can come to the ceremony, looking back...

    " So, what, because I didn't spend as much on my wedding, I was somehow more obligated to allow univited guests than you are with your $60 per plate price?"
    That's not what I meant to say at all.  I'm sorry if I offended you.  I'm sure your wedding was beautiful, and exactly what you wanted it to be. 

    HockyFan4:  I meant to emphasize the fact that we don't really know this person, as well as her and her family's importance.

    Man, I am accidentally stepping all over myself today! 
    Anyway, the next part is that it turns out she had already invited her and then had to go tell her that she couldn't come.  Good grief!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:6c5da00a-502d-4b76-8f05-3356d5ba9a92">Re: Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude guest, polite response? : Nice overreaction.  
    Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

    Thanks...it's been one of those days and typing that little ditty actually helped
    I'm over it
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-guest-polite-response?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfd5f2d5-9c99-42a8-af5f-6acea52ae842Post:b92f3180-5a54-43ff-8a55-73bcca3b1c7b">Re: Rude guest, polite response?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Why do people always include how expensive their dinner is as if it makes a difference</strong>?  So, what, because I didn't spend as much on my wedding, I was somehow more obligated to allow univited guests than you are with your $60 per plate price? But anyway, you should not have invited her to just the ceremony, but what's done is done.  However, you were not wrong for refusing to accomodate an extra guest. 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I agree !  this makes me nuts.   I chose a cheaper catering option.  We are doing mexican food that is costing us about $9 a person.  With that said, we are on a tight budget, and I invited the people I wanted to invite and could properly host.  If someone calls me asks me to add someone to my guest list, it doesn't matter if its my 9 bucks or someone else's 60 bucks. it's still an extra plate and seat, table setting, table cloth, favor, piece of cake, etc.  

    just because I went with cheap food, doesn't mean my budget suddenly expands for extra guests.
  • I think its ridiculous OP is being criticized for mentioning her meal price. 

    Obviously everyone has their own budget and their own version of reasonably priced.  But if you understand that most brides are on a budget, you should also understand the likelihood of having an extra $9 to spare even if you are tight on budget versus an extra $60 or $120 or $250 to spare to include one more person.  Yes, you would be over budget.  But to come up with an extra $9 over the period of a few days is much more likely than coming up with an extra $60 or more - that's why it is relevant information.
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