Do I have to get them a gift?

TexanTreasure08

Hello ladies! I have a very tacky situation and was wanting to get your opinions.

My fiance's friend is marrying his 20 year old baby momma in a couple of weeks (their baby is 2). We just got our invitation a few weeks ago (under Mr. and Mrs. myFI'slastname, not mine mind you), with no RSVP date noted anywhere on their invitation or wedding website. They did not include an RSVP card either, just a link to their website. The guy was hasslig me last week to get in my RSVP (even though they didn't give a deadline and had sent us the invite just a few weeks prior!) and I finally had to RSVP 'no' because FI has to work. Fi is a police officer so he only has Thursdays and Fridays off, and their wedding is a Sunday and his PTO request got denied. He is still able to go to the guy's bachelor party however, because it's on a Friday. Originally they were asking $200 from each guy for the b-party, but they eventually lowered it to $80 so FI can afford to go now.
She has already changed her name on facebook to Jennifer maiden-married, and they call each other husband/wifey all the time. This is confusing to me, are they already married or what?
The main part that bugs me is that they don't have a registry, just this typed out on the wedding website: (the first paragraph is straight from travelersjoy.com honeymoon fund example FYI)
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Our First Home Registry

Hi Everyone!

First and foremost, we would like to say that your presence at our wedding is the greatest gift we could ever ask for. The time, effort, and expense of traveling to be with us is something we deeply appreciate and we are so thankful to be able to celebrate our happy occasion with you.

We have been lucky enough to have acquired a lot of the “essential” home items a newly married couple needs. (Yet they live with their parents?) Everything to fill our home except the home itself!! Our first goal as a married couple is to buy our first home with lots of room for ourselves and our daughter B ( she needs a lot of room as she has tons of stuff lol)! Therefore, we have chosen not to register anywhere for gifts and would most appreciate monetary gifts to help us achieve our dream home. Large or small - every dollar counts!!!

We hope you find this registry as a way to help us make our dream home come true and of course we hope all of you come visit us often in our new home for barbeques, hanging out, and lots of fun!

Thank you all so much for sharing our day with us and we cannot wait to celebrate with all of you!!

XOXO,
C & J

-----------------------------------------------------------

So, this home registry really pisses me off. Me & FI bought a house on our own last year and we would never have asked anyone to contribute to that. They are a very immature couple, and I feel that if they can't buy a house without other people's help that they shouldn't be buying a house. I also don't really want to just send them money. Are we expected to since we were invited to their wedding and FI is going to his bachelor party?

Thanks for your help!!
Angela

marinabreeze

To be honest, I would be very tempted to give them a toaster with no gift receipt :-). 

But I would say that if you're not so inclined to do something passive-aggressive, that a nice card would be nice, maybe with something that they might enjoy.  But you shouldn't feel obligated to give to their home-buying fund. 

Loopyseven

A gift is never required, so no, you don't HAVE to give them one, whether you attend the wedding or bachelor party or not.  If you want to be nice to your FI's friends and give them a gift to commemorate their marriage but don't want to give them cash, then pick out a physical gift and send it to them.  Since they have no registry you can feel free to just pick something you think they'd like.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You're not required to buy a gift. You're not required to buy a gift off a registry. If you want to send your good wishes and can afford a gift, you can always go buy they something like a blender or some sheets or a decorative bowl or something.

TexanTreasure08

Yes, they are very good friends unfortunately. It's just the whole house registry completely turns me off and makes me not want to get them anything. The girl has always been rude to me when we used to hang out with the guy. Maybe I could get something that the guy would like more? I just really don't like her.
I couldn't believe they were asking for $200 at first!! The guy's brother is planning it and wanted to rent a boat for the day, then reserve a room in a fancy hotel, and get bottle service at a nice club. I was like WTH?

mob2689

My daughter made the HORRID mistake to have address labels with her soon to be married name on them and put them on the invites return address AND the RSVP env. I was MORTIFIED! and needless to say I  ALOT of damage control to do from calls from fam. members. Her reasoning was she had to oder so many that they could use them after the wedding too!  Ugghhhh...since then she has asks for my opinion ALOT, she may take it whole heartedly or with a grain of salt but she then knows at least what direction to go in! AHhhhhh

The money thing if you aren't comfortable with it then don't, no one is obligated to give cash even if it is requested which is WORSE then the address lable thing IMO.

LOVE the toaster idea  or the wrong monogram LOL I actually like that one<smirk />

I may add, who ever asks for money for a BachP if you aren't one of the  groomsmen in the BP?????...... besides these ppl of course.

goobersinlove

I once attended a wedding of a coworker who told me she was requesting cash gifts, and that they were going to use the money they get in gifts to pay off the debt they got into funding the wedding.

Needless to say, I didn't give cash. I got her a gift card to Target. I never received a thank you card. No surprise there.

The MOH who organized her bachelorette party requested monetary donations from the people who were invited (not just the ones in the wedding party) for the limo and stuff. When I told the MOH that I might not be able to attend this bachelorette party, I was told that "etiquette says you still have to contribute even if you don't go because you were invited." I was FLOORED.

Immature weddings like this make me cringe.
If you don't like her, get the couple something that's more groom-oriented. A tool set maybe? I like the toaster/blender ideas too.

quirky75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfee6d5f-0553-457e-9715-5de1ea781467Post:3cdbd943-f53a-4dfa-b621-efd7d8fc711d">Re: Do I have to get them a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Needless to say, I didn't give cash. <strong>I got her a gift card to Target.</strong> I never received a thank you card. No surprise there.
Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]

I was thinking a gift card would work too. You could get them a Visa (or other credit card) one so it's like cash, but they have to spend it at a store and it can't go straight into their bank account ;)

I agree with you though. I don't like their home fund idea at all.

princess0711

LOL I had a friend who got married last summer that had a honey moon registery, I sent her a cheque even though we didn't go to the wedding.  Never got a thank you either!  and I'm not expecting one, since they have since seperated

bonnyandtim

OP, I lived with my parents up until I got married & I did have a lot of items that I needed. I was prepared because (originally) I was going to be moved out before then, & also I had a lot of stuff left over from college. So I don't judge them for that.

I judge for the cash thing, though, so I agree with you on that. Just something to consider/giving them benefit of the doubt.

TexanTreasure08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfee6d5f-0553-457e-9715-5de1ea781467Post:c2b1f97a-627a-4240-8e07-e75a3593bd4c">Re: Do I have to get them a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I lived with my parents up until I got married & I did have a lot of items that I needed. I was prepared because (originally) I was going to be moved out before then, & also I had a lot of stuff left over from college. So I don't judge them for that. I judge for the cash thing, though, so I agree with you on that. Just something to consider/giving them benefit of the doubt.
Posted by bonnyandtim[/QUOTE]

I agree that a lot of people can be prepped before moving out, but I doubt these two are. She got pregnant right out of high school and never went to college. He never went to college either. I don't think you can get everything you need for a new home and a new baby while working a minimum wage job for 2 years. I really think it's just an excuse to get money, but it's their problem.
Anyways, thanks for all of your responses ladies! I think I will try to find something that will be more groom oriented, if I get anything at all. FI is contributing to his expensive bach party so I might just count that as his gift. It's just all so irritating!
Re: the address thing. She had actually put MY name down as my FI's last name, (IE Mr. and Mrs. Daniel FILastname) which I don't really think is cool. I've been engaged over a year, there's a reason I'm waiting this long to get married and to do it the way I see right. I don't appreciate them not taking the time to put down MY name.
Re: HER name, she has her married name on her facebook already, which makes me feel like they are already married, and she's just having a PPD. That would piss me off if that's true, but I don't know if it is or not.
Re: Bach party. I was also under the assumption that just Groomsmen paid for the bachelor party, but oh well. At least it's not $200 anymore!

TexanTreasure08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfee6d5f-0553-457e-9715-5de1ea781467Post:3cdbd943-f53a-4dfa-b621-efd7d8fc711d">Re: Do I have to get them a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]I once attended a wedding of a coworker who told me she was requesting cash gifts, and that they were going to use the money they get in gifts to pay off the debt they got into funding the wedding. Needless to say, I didn't give cash. I got her a gift card to Target. I never received a thank you card. No surprise there. The MOH who organized her bachelorette party requested monetary donations from the people who were invited (not just the ones in the wedding party) for the limo and stuff. When I told the MOH that I might not be able to attend this bachelorette party, <strong>I was told that "etiquette says you still have to contribute even if you don't go because you were invited."</strong> I was FLOORED. Immature weddings like this make me cringe. If you don't like her, get the couple something that's more groom-oriented. A tool set maybe? I like the toaster/blender ideas too.
Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]

OH NO I would've told them to eff off!! That's crazy! I think I am going to go with a groom oriented gift. :)

katieisawesome

The gall of some people...  I encountered the dreaded Honeyfund registry recently and it immediately turned me off of giving a cash gift.  I was originally strongly considering building these really cool Adirondack chairs for their back yard but now I might just go the route of a gift card because it felt so gross to be asked for money.  If I wasn't in the wedding and wasn't so close with this woman, I would consider foregoing a gift altogether.

Srasotasunshine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bfee6d5f-0553-457e-9715-5de1ea781467Post:cdceec27-440d-4150-ac68-3676de8711bc">Re: Do I have to get them a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I would be very tempted to give them a toaster with no gift receipt :-). 


Hehe I LOVE it!

DH and I made two small registries even though we have everything we THOUGHT we needed...turns out my grind and brew coffee maker and food processor were much needed:) PLUS people like to have a guide to help pick out gifts if they don't want to give cash.

Anyway, this situation sounds quite tacky and I would honestly just get them a card and something they may like. I would keep it nice BUT on the lower end of the cost spectrum...if it is something she cannot use or already has that is HER problem for not registering and asking for cash. ACK!