Dates for entire BP?

amatadei

For our wedding, we have a 10-person bridal party. Of those 10, four are married and will obviously be bringing their spouse to the wedding. I am not opposed to allowing the single members of our BP to bring dates as a general rule, but my FSIL, who is a BM, wants to bring a date more than anything, mostly because she just broke up with her BF. In her case, she is talking about bringing her ex-BF's best friend, which we feel would just end up turning into her very own bitch-fest. The other option she has mentioned is to bring a close friend of her's (female), with which we would be fine. Really, she wants to get back together with her (huge ass) ex and hopes that it happens before the wedding. We DEFINITELY don't want that to happen.... Honestly, we'd rather she just go stag and have fun with the other BMs and family and friends and such. We don't want to have our wedding album, especially candids, turn into a commemoration of her bad decisions, if she chooses to bring some random date, ex's BF, or, God-forbid, the ex. So, the question is, can we stipulate who she can bring or suggest to her that she not bring a date? We don't want her to feel like we are forbidding her from doing so and prevent her from having a good time, but we feel like she'd probably enjoy herself more if she isn't worrying about her date, since she'll be tied up with BM duties the whole day.... Do we have to give all the bridal party plus ones?

twinkie757

The general rule a lot of people follow is people in long-term relationships are invited together. People who are single do not have to be invited with a date, but the same rule should apply to everyone, not just the wedding party. Also, you can't tell her who to bring/not bring.

PharmacyBride

I think that your wedding doesn't give you the right to judge her relationship.  Unless there was abuse.. it is not okay to step in with your judgements.  She has to make these decisions herself.

You also can't help if she is dramatic at your wedding.  If that is her personality- you can't do anything about it- so try not to worry or stress about it.  Whatever happens- happens.. if her behavior is stressing you out or is inappropriate.. you can ask your FMIL to say something to her (but not beforehand- only in response to rude behavior).

Since dates are allowed for WP members to make them more comfortable after everything they have done for you- I say allow her to bring who she wants.  I realize you are the host of the event.. but there are some things you can't control.  How people live their lives is one of them.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dates-entire-bp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c015b7c9-8751-4d3d-8670-4a3f1ae75aa1Post:c6b448e1-0a52-473e-b126-88abc4bc23c3">Dates for entire BP?</a>:
[QUOTE]For our wedding, we have a 10-person bridal party. Of those 10, four are married and will obviously be bringing their spouse to the wedding. I am not opposed to allowing the single members of our BP to bring dates as a general rule, but my FSIL, who is a BM, wants to bring a date more than anything, mostly because she just broke up with her BF. In her case, she is talking about bringing her ex-BF's best friend, which we feel would just end up turning into her very own bitch-fest. The other option she has mentioned is to bring a close friend of her's (female), with which we would be fine. Really, she wants to get back together with her (huge ass) ex and hopes that it happens before the wedding. We DEFINITELY don't want that to happen.... Honestly, we'd rather she just go stag and have fun with the other BMs and family and friends and such. We don't want to have our wedding album, especially candids, turn into a commemoration of her bad decisions, if she chooses to bring some random date, ex's BF, or, God-forbid, the ex. So, the question is, can we stipulate who she can bring or suggest to her that she not bring a date? We don't want her to feel like we are forbidding her from doing so and prevent her from having a good time, but we feel like she'd probably enjoy herself more if she isn't worrying about her date, since she'll be tied up with BM duties the whole day.... Do we have to give all the bridal party plus ones?
Posted by amatadei[/QUOTE]
It sounds like you are giving everyone plus ones, except for her because you're being choosy of who she brings. Let her bring whoever she wants and don't worry about it. I highly doubt some BM will take away from the bride and groom.

Calumet

If you are going to let your other single/non-married BMs bring a date, you should certainly let SIL. And you really can't tell her who to bring. I wasn't thrilled (to say the least) with who my MOH wanted to bring, but he was HER choice, not mine. He was in like 3 pictures. It was not a big deal. You're overreacting on this one.

RosenB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dates-entire-bp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c015b7c9-8751-4d3d-8670-4a3f1ae75aa1Post:c6b448e1-0a52-473e-b126-88abc4bc23c3">Dates for entire BP?</a>:
[QUOTE]For our wedding, we have a 10-person bridal party. Of those 10, four are married and will obviously be bringing their spouse to the wedding. I am not opposed to allowing the single members of our BP to bring dates as a general rule, but my FSIL, who is a BM, wants to bring a date more than anything, mostly because she just broke up with her BF. In her case, she is talking about bringing her ex-BF's best friend, which we feel would just end up turning into her very own bitch-fest. The other option she has mentioned is to bring a close friend of her's (female), with which we would be fine. Really, she wants to get back together with her (huge ass) ex and hopes that it happens before the wedding. We DEFINITELY don't want that to happen.... Honestly, we'd rather she just go stag and have fun with the other BMs and family and friends and such. We don't want to have our wedding album, especially candids, turn into a commemoration of her bad decisions, if she chooses to bring some random date, ex's BF, or, God-forbid, the ex. So, the question is, can we stipulate who she can bring or suggest to her that she not bring a date? We don't want her to feel like we are forbidding her from doing so and prevent her from having a good time, but we feel like she'd probably enjoy herself more if she isn't worrying about her date, <strong>since she'll be tied up with BM duties the whole day....</strong> Do we have to give all the bridal party plus ones?
Posted by amatadei[/QUOTE]

WOW. What kind of agenda do you have that will take up the whole day for these ladies? The reception is supposed to be where they can let loose and actually enjoy themselves...with a date nonetheless.

Beachy730

You can't stipulate who your guests bring, including your WP.  One of my good friends brought his neighbor as a guest, who turned out to be one of my former students.  I wasn't very comfortable with it at first, but I gave him an invite with & guest on it, and he got to fill it with whomever he wanted.  We chose to give everyone at our wedding a guest, regardless of if they were in a relationship or not.  Before we decided that, we knew that at the very least, we would be giving everyone in our WP a date.  Most in our WP were married or in a serious relationship, but 3 were single.  1 brought a good friend as a date, and the other 2 didn't bring one. 

As for a random person date being in a picture, don't stress about it.  We only ended up with a few random dates at our wedding, since most of the single people brought mutual friends that we weren't close enough to to invite.  The only pictures that these people ended up in were in the background on the dance floor.  I wouldn't even worry about it for family pictures or anything.  My family has always been very cut and dry about who is included in family pictures since we have such a big family.  If you weren't born into the family, or married into it, then you aren't in the picture.  It sounds harsh, but I can't even tell you how many boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone throughout a huge family.  If you are worried about her trying to get her date into pictures, state that rule.  Anyone should understand.  And I would think her random guest wouldn't want to be in family pics. 

amatadei

Alrighty, so I can't stipulate who she brings... sigh... Btw, obviously I do not plan on owning my BP for the entire day, but she'd be bringing someone from out-of-town, so they'd be hanging out by themselves during the rehearsal and then the entire day of the wedding until the reception, since we'll be primping and photo-taking all day before the ceremony and then the BP, FI, and I are taking a limo to the reception, where we'll have a private cocktail hour and more photos.

We had one other thought... FI's cousin's wife and I were talking and she agrees with us that FSIL shouldn't bring a date to our wedding, partially because she agrees about the possible choice of date she would bring but also because, as someone who has been the date of a groomsman many-a-time, she knows how it feels to be the add-on of someone who is occupied with various responsibilities that day. She lamented about having to sit by herself or with people she barely knew/didn't know while her date did BP things. She said that she would be willing to subtly mention this to FSIL and offer some "big sisterly" advice to her. Would this be an acceptable alternative so that we are not stipulating who she can bring or treat her differently than the rest of BP while still (hopefully) getting it into her head that she would have more fun if she goes stag?

banana468

Why would the date be sitting by himself?

amatadei

While at some receptions, we have both seen/heard of the BP sitting at the head table and dates being elsewhere, we are donig a sweetheart table and sitting our BP with dates/friends/etc. I'm not quite sure where the question came from, banana, about why would the date be sitting alone, but I assume it's from my post about his cousin's wife talking about being alone when the cousin (or other SO's with whom she's been) is in the BP (?).

Basically what cousin's wife and I and FI are all saying is that it is not always too fun going to a wedding as a BP date if you don't know people. Obviously, cousin's wife will be fine at our wedding w/ her husband in our BP b/c she is family and knows all sorts of people, plus is helping to plan bparty and showers and such. However, anyone FSIL brings will not know many, if any, of the people at the wedding, which is usually a bummer anyway. But, on top of just the awkwardness of not knowing any other guests, BP dates sometimes do end up sitting alone while BP is being called for this photo op or chatted up by other guests. It can be quite a long evening for BP dates. I always feel so badly for them when they are sitting in the pew awkwardly while post-ceremony photos are being taken, too. They have no part in the formal festivities but are forced to watch all of them while other guests are schmoozing with each other. In addition, we are taking our BP in a limo to the reception site from the ceremony, so her date would be left to his/her own devises to get to the reception and be forced to schmooze with strangers for the entire cocktail hour, since we are having a private cocktail hour once we arrive.

Basically, there are legitimate reasons why, if you do not have an established SO, you should go stag to the wedding if you are in the BP. But, obviously our reasons for wanting her to go stag are not completely altruistic-- we don't really want the people there whom she would bring, but we also don't want them dragging her down (we honestly want her to have a good time and feel free to boogy the night away with the rest of the BP and guests, many of whom will also be going stag) without worrying about entertaining/babysitting her date. She's had a tough time with her breakup and we all feel that bringing some random person is not going to make her feel any better about being single at our wedding than if she went stag and had a fantastic time.

So, thoughts on the cousin's wife dropping oh-so-subtle hints (or flat out telling FSIL her opinion on the matter, but not linking it to either FI or me and our opinion)?