Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?

Siara8

Okay, so one of my fiance's groomsmen has a girlfriend whom I absolutely detest. Please just believe me when I say that she has been nothing but terrible to me.

When we asked this groomsman to be in the wedding, we told him up front that his girlfriend was not invited; he is more than welcome to bring a guest, so long as it isn't her. He was totally okay with this (he understands why we don't want her there)... but at the time, their relationship was on the rocks (they're a on-again off-again couple). Well, it's now two months before the wedding and they are very much together.

Do I need to invite her? I really don't want to, and because we told him she wasn't invited up front, I don't feel like I should now have to invite her. However, I feel bad, because if I don't allow him to bring her, he's going to be dateless.

Opinions?

Sharpschruter22

Going by what etiquette says, you need to invite her. Now...as important as etiquette is to me, IDK if I personally would invite her. It is all depending on what she has done to you. Examples? I wouldn't be comfortable having someone at my wedding whom I absolutely detest, no matter the circumstances. Many women here have invited those they do not like because they wanted to make the guest they want there comfortable and these women are better than I in being able to do that.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:7aab70b7-a040-4711-82d8-92a97ca231ac">Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so one of my fiance's groomsmen has a girlfriend whom I absolutely detest. Please just believe me when I say that she has been nothing but terrible to me. When we asked this groomsman to be in the wedding, we told him up front that his girlfriend was not invited; he is more than welcome to bring a guest, so long as it isn't her. He was totally okay with this (he understands why we don't want her there)... but at the time, their relationship was on the rocks (they're a on-again off-again couple). Well, it's now two months before the wedding and they are very much together. Do I need to invite her? I really don't want to, and because we told him she wasn't invited up front, I don't feel like I should now have to invite her. However, I feel bad, because if I don't allow him to bring her, he's going to be dateless. Opinions?
Posted by Siara8[/QUOTE]
Yes, you need to invite her.  You were wrong to tell him that she wouldn't be invited in the first place.  It really doesn't matter if you like her or not.  She's his significant other and must be invited, just like all the other significant others.

Simply Fated

It sucks, but you know you should invite her. I'm sure she's heinous, but it's not like you have to spend the whole time with her or anything. A quick "thank you for coming" and that's it.

ScrabbleAndLlamas

Yes, she's the spawn of Satan.  Yes, you would prefer that instead of coming to your wedding, she should do unspeakable acts to herself.  Yes, you have every right not to want terrible people at your wedding.

But now your groomsman is the only person without their significant other at the table.  That's not gonna feel good.  He'll probably feel pretty crappy about it.  And miss her.  And be driven futher into her claw-like grip.

Invite the she-devil.  Allow him to see how terribly she interacts with people he considers important.  Observe and pass snide internal (note: not external!) judgement on his terrible choice in women.  At worst, you will have followed basic rules of etiquette- not making your guests feel bad (see paragraph two).  At best, you will have broken them up.

[Deleted User]

Unless she's tried to kill your or threw herself at your FI you have to suck it up and invite her.

Carson386

You need to invite her.

[Deleted User]

They are a social unit and social units need to be invited.  End of story!

jessicabessica

Of course you should invite her, although I think him with a plus one would be ok.  I guess I just never understand what you're expecting to happen with relationships like these.  If they are seriously dating, do you expect him to choose you and your FI over his GF?  Over his wife?  When people post things like this, I just don't see what they expect to happen to the friendship.  

Summer2011Bride

Yes she should be invited and it was rude of you to tell him he can't bring her. You don't have to hang out with her all night. In fact, you don't have to hang out with her at all. It also sounds like there's a possibility they'll break up before the wedding, I guess hope for that. But if they are still dating, she needs to be invited as they're a social unit.

arendiva

I would give him a plus one, but verbally tell him that he can bring his girlfriend if he wishes. Then I would just pray that they break up and he uses the plus one to bring someone else. if he does bring her than do as PP's have said and just ignore her (after a breif "thanks for coming").

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:510e540e-c657-4d6c-bb6f-e7f4ad5e5829">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Edie, it is a relationship, but many people would not consider this a long-term or committed relationshiip, thus no requirement to invite the GF.  As to the arguement put forth at times, that this will hurt the guys's feelings, he has already been informed no invite for GF.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, FFS. Whether it is long term, married, engaged, or just the girl he has a good time with, it doesn't matter!  He is an adult. He is a member of their wedding party. Unless this girl is dangerous or has hit on the groom, she needs to be invited. Why can't you undertstand this?  Why can't you concede that anyone who is dating someone needs to be allowed to invite that person? Nobody give's a rat's ass what the antiquated etiquette books say on this topic. In numerous threads, people have given you countless examples of how that makes no sense. It hurt the guy's feelings (or at least pissed him off, I assure you) when he was told, no matter what he said at the time, and it will do the same now. It is flat out RUDE not to invite someone's SO, regardless of how "significant" you feel the "other" is!</div><div>
</div><div>OP: We currently have a friend who is no longer hanging out with any of us in our social circle b/c none of us like his girlfriend, and she doesn't like us. Despite promises that there will be no drama, that we can all play nice when together, etc, he still has chosen to avoid all of us altogether. She even caused mild drama at our wedding and I didn't say a word, so he has no reason not to believe that we will play nice. Still no go. Not allowing this guy to invite his girlfriend will cause problems with your friendship. It isn't worth it. </div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:5f41b7c3-30b7-4d6f-a1b9-30206b6696de">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a firm believer in letting all single people getting a plus one.  It's up to the invited person to decide who that plus one is. 
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree. We gave everyone a plus one. </div>

AdeleDazeem

I really need to know what this girl has done to you or others that makes her the spawn of Satan before I give my opinion.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:510e540e-c657-4d6c-bb6f-e7f4ad5e5829">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Edie, it is a relationship, but <strong>many people would not consider this a long-term or committed relationshiip,</strong> thus no requirement to invite the GF.  As to the arguement put forth at times, that this will hurt the guys's feelings, he has already been informed no invite for GF.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

NYU what would you consider a long-term or committed relationship?  Many people consider themselves in a committed relationship a month in.  If people are together and both consider themselves in a relationship then they need to be invited together.  Period.  Doing otherwise is rude and comes off as you judging the seriouness of their relationship.

OP, what has this girl done to you for you to hate her so much?  Unless she has tried to kill you, sleep with your FI, broken in and stolen things from your home, and any other illegal act then yes, you need to invite her.  Remember that there will be tons of other people at your wedding that day.  All you need to do is smile and say "thanks for coming" when you see her and then you can nicely ignore her the rest of the night.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:b4e69e51-a8d1-4b7c-a80e-4088fe51dab2">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Edie, did you choose to ignore the part where it said it is entirely up to the hosts.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep. It is up to the hosts. And any hosts that wouldn't invite are assholes and I would drop them as friends if it happened to me.  </div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:14a58aa8-3e9b-4df8-a7c7-6b39d597350c">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie I'm pretty sure NYU follows the outdated rule of "no ring, no bring".
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

True.  But in other posts it seems like she picks and chooses which couples meet her definition of committed or long-term whether a ring is in the picture or not.  Which is why I would love to hear what she thinks deems a couple worthy of being invited together.

StephJean83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:14a58aa8-3e9b-4df8-a7c7-6b39d597350c">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maggie <strong>I'm pretty sure NYU follows the outdated rule of "no ring, no bring".
</strong>Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

When my FH and I were "officially" dating for only 1 month at Valentine's day and he gave me an "officially friends" ring, does that mean I, in NYU's world, automatically got invited to weddings with my BF(now FH)? He did give me a diamond(actually there are 7 tiny diamonds on it) ring...that's gotta mean something!

OP, As PP's have said, that unless I have info into what makes her evil, it is a very personal slight on the GM's by not including his GF. I would extend him plus one and let him decide if he brings her, his brother or his mom. But you have to realize that if he does bring her that you thank her for coming and go about your business. You will have plenty of other people that will occupy your time, that you won't even notice her there. My FH came with me to a wedding I was in, he was at the RD with me, helped us set up the reception hall and 2 yrs later the groom said to him, "Oh I wish you would have been at our wedding". He had literally forgotten that he was there because he was so focused on getting married, talking to his family and friends and what not that, someone he talked to on Friday, Saturday and ate breakfast with Sunday, AND WHO DROVE HIM from the reception to the hotel he forgot was there.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:5494b2e3-c1c1-41dc-83de-a906c995d5c8">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Many etiquette books limit "must" invites to spouses, fiances, and at most long term relationships.  "Knot World" has expanded this to all BFs/GFs.  If you told him up front she would not be invited, just reiterate it.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

No one here who cares anything about etiquette agrees with you.  Seriously.  Who are you trying to convince?  Because I'm pretty sure it's yourself.

daveANDkristen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-groomsmans-evil-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c01d7eb5-b05b-4c79-9ae4-cc5c0beee995Post:cb465fe5-9c1f-46b6-8d62-a83bcff4ee83">Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...? : Yep. It is up to the hosts. And any hosts that wouldn't invite are assholes and I would drop them as friends if it happened to me.  
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

This, exactly.

Coghoot12

I'm also team "I want to know what she did".

And jumping into the SO debate, etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable.  I have cousins that are in their 20s who both have someone they consider their significant other.  Neither cousin lives with their SO.  I invited them both with their SOs and both made a point to thank me for extending that invite.  They had both attended multiple weddings without their SOs because those hosts followed the crappy "no ring, no bring" rule.  I wanted my cousins to be comfortable and happy and that was more important to me than arguing semantics of who "technically" gets  a plus 1.

aquari0216

She's girlfriend not wife...and you two don't get along...dont pay for someone who can possibly ruin one of the biggest days of your life...etiquette can kick rocks on this one...i don't care what she did, fact is its your day and you don't like her ass

aquari0216

In Response to Re:Inviting Groomsman's Evil Girlfriend...?:[QUOTE]Edie, it is a relationship, but many people would not consider this a longterm or committed relationshiip, thus no requirement to invite the GF.nbsp; As to the arguement put forth at times, that this will hurt the guys's feelings, he has already been informed no invite for GF. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE].
AMEN!

[Deleted User]

Who are you or any of us to judge the seriousness of their relationship?  

One of my friends was with her BF for a little over a month before he began asking her closest friends if she had any dream proposals.  We told him and about 4 months later, he made it a reality.    On the flip side, my uncle has been with his GF for over 25 years and they do not intend to marry.  I invited them to my wedding.  If I used NYU's logic, I should have excluded her.

Telling your groomsman who he was allowed to bring was rude and you owe him an apology.

embreen

i have the same issue and i told my FI groomsmen in a polite manner that she wasnt invited due to space issues cause we need to keep it small so only spouses and engaged couples get the plus one, what did he go out and do? freaking proposed to her, now im stuck inviting her as well, but its one person at a large event i doubt ill even notice shes there

rachelm13

I have a similar situation...

I HATE one of the GMs GFs.  To be fair, HATE isn't strong enough for my feelings about her.  That being said, I invited.  I had to.  I didn't want to and I have VERY good reasons for hating her.  Including but not NEARLY limited to: her grabbing/slapping my then BF now FIs assssss and crawling/draping herself over him.  (He always did the right thing and said no and told her to stop and told his friend).  She's also called my FILs and started some dramz.  I could go on and on... Anyways, the hoarface is invited.  FI was clear with me that we will not be the bad folks.  The correct thing to do is invite.  His friend loves this BSC person.  Fine.   If she let's her crazy and true colors fly... I solved this issue this way:  I have my coordinator on standby (with a photo) along with my close friends who know about this chick at the ready to remove her quietly and quickly should she step a TOE out of line.  FI is on board and has let his friend know that she is welcomed, but, should she act up, she will be escorted out.

If she doesn't grab FI in any manner or act a fool, I am sure I won't even notice her for a hot second.  I will be having a fabulous wedding day despite all she has done to try to prevent it.

SIDE NOTE:  My photog also has a pic of her and has been told to not take any photos of her. 

Good Luck!

felinac1

She shouldnt be invited if you dont like her. A wedding should be about you and your groom and the people you invite should enhance the wedding, not make you stressed. The groomsman can do without hanging out without her for a couple of hours. Its your and your husbands day, not the groomsmans.