FBIL Rant

landra310s

Background: My FBIL and FSIL just had a baby (YAY-he's super cute)  They have 2 girls already.  Both girls are in the wedding party (Flower girl, Jr-BM). No other children are invited to the wedding(new addition is obviously invited).  We've been engaged for 15 months so far, and still have around 6 more to go till the big day.  FBIL and FSIL are in the wedding party also and were asked 15months ago, long before the new addition was created.

Situation: FBIL called my FI yesterday and asked if his wife could bring 2 of her sisters or nieces or something along that line, to watch the new baby.  So my FI says up in the hotel room?  Answer: NOPE he wants them invited to the wedding, ie: ceremony, cocktail hour, reception.. etc!  I couldn't believe it.  He just asked to invite 2 more people to our already swollen 264 guest list (hopefully closer to 200 after rsvp's), and even better people who we don't even know!  I already know of atleast 4 of my friends/family that will have newborns-toddlers at the hotel IN the hotel room being watched by other family/friends while the parents attend the wedding.  Obviously I have no problem with this. I think it's a great idea!  Best of both worlds!   But to ask for your wife's family to come to the actual wedding.  I was floored.  And to make it worse, my FI says "I'll get back to you on that".  I was like why didn't you say no right then, now they are going to think you thought it was ok but knew you had to ask me, then I am saying no, so when you call back and say no, they are going to blame me!  So needless to say I was very upset he didn't just say no right then.  He said he was caught off guard.  BUT agrees with me his brother is out of line and that these randoms shouldn't be invited to the wedding.  Why would we invite strangers AND PAY for STRANGERS to come to our wedding to watch someone's kids.  UGH  Still a little worked up over it! 

Anyone have this come up before?  I expect to see people adding their kids to the rsvps (going out in august) even though they will be addressed to the parents only.  BUT to invite people we don't even know?   Can't believe it!

hlq2011

Um, I think you're being a little ridiculous for being mad at him for not saying no immediately.  He was caught off-guard, and he talked to you about it.  Big deal.

Have you said no?  Have they flipped out on you for saying no?  If not, why are you stressing so much right now?  Say no.  Maybe everything will be fine.

Breathe.  Relax.  Tell them you're sorry but you can't accommodate them.

Good luck.

baystateapple

I agree with PP.  I'm sure your FI was just really caught off guard, and nobody likes to make an immediate "no" that's going to probably upset a family member.

Have him tell FBIL that you can't accommodate their extra guests.

slwager

this is awkward.  and while you're definitely being sensitive to their family situation it might be nice (if financially feasible)  to offer to pay for childcare (in their room and not her family)

they are being a bit unreasonable, but not nasty and i'm sure they're focused on how stressful the day might be with all 3 kids around.  try to see if from their POV.  they aren't trying to irritate you, just trying to make the day easier for them.

landra310s

I'm definitely not mad at FI at all, upset he didn't nip in the bud to begin with but I'm by no means mad at FI!

redheadfsu

Your FI did the right thing. So he could talk to you before giving them an answer. That is what he should do.

Just tell them no. They asked, so give them an answer, but relax first.

Habs2Hart

Don't stress until it becomes an issue.  It's not an issue yet.  Just call him up and politely say that due to budget and space you are unable to accomodate extra guests and you hope they understand.  Perhaps tell them that others who have young children are having friends and family watch them in the hotel room and suggest that as an option to them.

Furthermore, are you really hoping to have 64 people decline?  You are able to accomodate 100% attendance right?  Otherwise, you need to make some drastic cuts.

HockeyFan4

uhmm maybe this is just me...but that is exactly what we are doing at my wedding (and the kids aren't even newborns)

my brother is our officiant...and his wife is my MOH....their two children are FG and RB, but we invited my SIL's parents to the wedding to help with the kids.

FI and I were invited to SIL's mother's wedding to help watch the kids....but then again my family welcomes other families in and it is very common to get to know inlaws families and celebrate with them.

landra310s

I would gladly pay for a babysitter for the kids and get pizza for the room for the kids and babysitter, but that's not what they want.  I dont' know, I guess I couldnt ever imagine asking such a thing.  I just think it's really rude of them to ask that of us.

hlq2011

It is rude, yes.  But don't stress so much unless they throw a fit once your FI tells them no.  They may be reasonable about it, and you'll have worried for nothing.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:6a1730d0-0380-4608-a105-bbfc7d79cd73">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I would gladly pay for a babysitter for the kids and get pizza for the room for the kids and babysitter, but that's not what they want.  I dont' know, I guess I couldnt ever imagine asking such a thing.  I just think it's really rude of them to ask that of us.
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

It's definitely not the most polite thing they could have done but they're probably not thinking completely straight right now, they're mainly concerned with wrangling three kids at the wedding.  If I were you, I'd say that they're welcome to bring sitters to the hotel, but you can't accommodate them for dinner or the reception.  And then leave the ball in their court.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:6a1730d0-0380-4608-a105-bbfc7d79cd73">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I would gladly pay for a babysitter for the kids and get pizza for the room for the kids and babysitter, but that's not what they want.  I dont' know, I guess I couldnt ever imagine asking such a thing.  I just think it's really rude of them to ask that of us.
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

Well, I'm sure they just thought they would ask because if her family is coming to watch the baby the rest of the time, they just wanted to know if you had room for them. Or they wanted to ask before they had to figure out other options.

Yes it is rude for them to ask, but I'm sure they don't realize they are being rude. They want to know if the family can come since the baby just arrived & that is what they are focused on right now. Just explain you don't have any extra room in the guest list. Discuss options with them.

landra310s

FSIL has 18 brothers and sisters, and they all have 3-7 kids each.  They definitely will not be invited to the wedding.

Our place can accomadate 400 people, between A LOT of family from AZ ( ~20, that haven't flown out for any other cousins weddings) and a lot of sick elderly, I think 200 is a very reasonable guess.

FI is calling them today and telling them no.  There was never a question as to what we should say to them, I just couldn't believe they asked.

jessicabessica

If both FBIL and FSIL are in the wedding party, what are they going to do with their 6-month old during the wedding (or at least the ceremony, pictures, and other times where they'll be doing wedding party things)?  Will the baby be with them?  I'm not saying that the perfect solution is to have two of FSIL's family members attend, but it does seem like something to be sensitive to. 

HockeyFan4

i don't know... to me it wasn't that big of a deal that they asked.  You have their entire family minus this infant in the wedding party.  It is assumed that an infant is expected to be with the family.... *shrug*

landra310s

Of course the baby is invited to the wedding, I said that above.  There are other family members that could hold the baby during the ceremony if they didn't want to bring someone to stay in the hotel room with the baby.  I would assume the baby is going to be in all photos.  If she wanted she could carry him down the aisle with her, if she wanted him included in that.  I don't care.  If they don't want to be looking after their children that day then they can have someone watch them at home or in the hotel.  This person who they want to watch their kids does not need to be invited to the wedding.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:97439e64-e8e1-4b20-bc38-b62969345dfe">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course the baby is invited to the wedding, I said that above.  There are other family members that could hold the baby during the ceremony if they didn't want to bring someone to stay in the hotel room with the baby. <strong> I would assume the baby is going to be in all photos.  If she wanted she could carry him down the aisle with her, if she wanted him included in that.  I don't care.</strong>  If they don't want to be looking after their children that day then they can have someone watch them at home or in the hotel.  This person who they want to watch their kids does not need to be invited to the wedding.
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

Have you told them this? If not, how do they know? If so, then I can understand your point a little more.

dannie134

If a friend asked this, I would be insulted.  Immediate family, not so much.  My sister hired a teenager to take care of her 2 year old, since sister is my matron of honor.  That way both sister and BIL can enjoy the wedding, and my nephew can be there.  I am paying for a meal for the babysitter at the reception (even though I don't know her personally) because it's worth it to me so nephew can be present and sis and BIL can relax, plus nephew will be watched and can be taken to the hotel room whenever he gets tired.  To me, not a big deal, to do that for one immediate family member.

landra310s

Of course they know the baby is invited to all the festivities!  They are the ones that don't want to have to worry about taking care of him.  Which is fine!  But that doesn't mean they can invite more people to the wedding, especially people we don't know.  I have sent them an email months ago telling them the day of the rehearsal, times, etc, where we are eating, the itinerary for the wedding day (what time they have to be at the hotel -i'm paying for the girls to get their hair done with the other BM's) When we are going dress shopping- which i am paying for the girls dresses.  They know everything.  They even know when the photographer is showing up before the wedding to start taking pictures of jsut us girls.  She's been involved in all the BM's emails back and forth about bachelorettes and shower details (which i'm obviously not priveleged to) and they told me she has never responded to one of them.  I'm just frustrated.  i understand people have kids.  I am by no means not flexible with them on things, but inviting people we don't know to our wedding is crossing the line.  I feel like I have already taken care of more than I needed to for them.  AND they are asking for 2 guests not just 1, not that I'd be ok with 1 but I mean, we're not having a cheap wedding, you add everything up and you're talking over $100 per person, just to attend the wedding.  It's not like we're talking cheap money here!

HockeyFan4

uhmm did they invite them...or did they ask your FI if that would be an option.....now I am confused

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:bae48028-8bb0-4116-beaa-901da08fa4e7">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course they know the baby is invited to all the festivities!  They are the ones that don't want to have to worry about taking care of him.  Which is fine!  But that doesn't mean they can invite more people to the wedding, especially people we don't know.  I have sent them an email months ago telling them the day of the rehearsal, times, etc, where we are eating, the itinerary for the wedding day (what time they have to be at the hotel -i'm paying for the girls to get their hair done with the other BM's) When we are going dress shopping- which i am paying for the girls dresses.  They know everything.  They even know when the photographer is showing up before the wedding to start taking pictures of jsut us girls.  She's been involved in all the BM's emails back and forth about bachelorettes and shower details (which i'm obviously not priveleged to) and they told me she has never responded to one of them.  I'm just frustrated.  i understand people have kids.  I am by no means not flexible with them on things, but inviting people we don't know to our wedding is crossing the line.  I feel like I have already taken care of more than I needed to for them.  AND they are asking for 2 guests not just 1, not that I'd be ok with 1 but I mean, we're not having a cheap wedding, you add everything up and you're talking over $100 per person, just to attend the wedding.  It's not like we're talking cheap money here!
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]
264 guest wedding x $100 a guest = a budget with which you probably shouldn't be concerned about an extra 200 bucks. 

You're making a huge deal over nothing.  They didn't invite anyone (did they send an RSVP w/ +2 written on it?)  They ASKED you if they could.  They're giving you the option of saying No.

That being said, THE ENTIRE FAMILY is participating IN the wedding.  I'd suck up the $200 and let the extra guests come.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:bae48028-8bb0-4116-beaa-901da08fa4e7">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course they know the baby is invited to all the festivities!  Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

That is not what I asked. Did you tell her that she could hold the baby the entire time during the ceremony? What did she say when you told her this?

landra310s

WOW you know what amazes me, my question was did anyone else have this happen?  In this whole board only 1 person answered my question.  And considering it's an ettiquete board and how hard most of you are on if you should or shouldn't have an open bar or how to word invites I thought i would have someone say wow that's rude and against etiquette and maybe show some compassion.  Say that's never happend before to me or give me a situation where it did happen to them.  Thank you girls  you just made my day that much better.!  I don't care if you think spending $100pp when all is said and done (that doesn't include just dinner, cost of seat at ceremony, favors, the amt of centerpieces needed, drinks, etc) that doesn't mean i have money to blow.  IF you happend to notice we have ALMOST a 2 yr engagement.  TO SAVE MONEY!! TO HAVE THE WEDDING WE have always wanted.  Who are you to judge what we can and cannot afford?  We have been saving for a VERY long time.  And no I am not going to just throw $200 to have 2 people I don't know at the wedding. 

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:a1a2ae59-b700-47b4-a411-83960cfe75f9">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW you know what amazes me, my question was did anyone else have this happen?  In this whole board only 1 person answered my question.  And considering it's an ettiquete board and how hard most of you are on if you should or shouldn't have an open bar or how to word invites I thought i would have someone say wow that's rude and against etiquette and maybe show some compassion.  Say that's never happend before to me or give me a situation where it did happen to them.  Thank you girls  you just made my day that much better.!  I don't care if you think spending $100pp when all is said and done (that doesn't include just dinner, cost of seat at ceremony, favors, the amt of centerpieces needed, drinks, etc) that doesn't mean i have money to blow.  IF you happend to notice we have ALMOST a 2 yr engagement.  TO SAVE MONEY!! TO HAVE THE WEDDING WE have always wanted.  Who are you to judge what we can and cannot afford?  We have been saving for a VERY long time.  And no I am not going to just throw $200 to have 2 people I don't know at the wedding. 
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

Breathe. Several of us told you it was rude, but that they  just asked & just tell them no. I can see you blow most things out of proportion. You need to relax. If you freak out this bad over every little thing, then you will stress yourself out & get gray hairs before your PPD. Good luck.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fbil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c0263f06-7305-428c-b332-3da3df134122Post:a1a2ae59-b700-47b4-a411-83960cfe75f9">Re: FBIL Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW you know what amazes me, my question was did anyone else have this happen?  In this whole board only 1 person answered my question.  And considering it's an ettiquete board and how hard most of you are on if you should or shouldn't have an open bar or how to word invites I thought i would have someone say wow that's rude and against etiquette and maybe show some compassion.  Say that's never happend before to me or give me a situation where it did happen to them.  Thank you girls  you just made my day that much better.!  I don't care if you think spending $100pp when all is said and done (that doesn't include just dinner, cost of seat at ceremony, favors, the amt of centerpieces needed, drinks, etc) that doesn't mean i have money to blow.  IF you happend to notice we have ALMOST a 2 yr engagement.  TO SAVE MONEY!! TO HAVE THE WEDDING WE have always wanted.  Who are you to judge what we can and cannot afford?  We have been saving for a VERY long time.  And no I am not going to just throw $200 to have 2 people I don't know at the wedding. 
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]
Oh, FFS.  Get over yourself.  You asked a question.  People answered.  Most people agreed that they were rude to ask in the first place and that you could tell them "no."  Keep up the drama queen attitude, and you're sure to start off on the right foot with your new in-laws.

opalsky007

Honey, you need to relax. Seriously, take a break and revisit this later. Weddings are stressful, but this is a situation that is really easily solved.

None of us have had this happen before, exactly, which is why no one said, "yes, this happened to me!" Instead, they looked at your situation and tried to find ways to help. No one has been rude to you here, and I think you're reading a lot into what people are saying because you're stressed.

It was rude of them to ask to bring extra guests. It was smart of your FI to wait and ask you instead of giving an answer. All you have to do is calmly say, "I'm sorry, we're unable to invite anyone else. Feel free to bring the baby with you or have a sitter look after it someplace else."

landra310s

I guess it's a good thing I highlight my hair then   I'm sure I would be full of greys!

I have no problem saying that last night I had a break down.  I KNOW I did.   I realize that I need to learn how to calm down quickly, I am easily set off (especially by moron drivers - hope you never cut me off!   But believe it or not FI and I don't fight at all.  I wouldnt' say I'm a drama queen at all, I needed to get things off my chest and came here which I shouldn't have done.  Thought it would be better than calling the in laws last night. 

opalsky007

It was better than name-calling the in-laws. And it wasn't a mistake to post here for sure. You've gotten a lot of helpful advice, and I hope you'll put it to use.

Good luck!