Groom's attire

squirrly

AK's post got me thinkin'. . .

If your FI had told you what you could or couldn't wear for the wedding, wouldn't you be pissed?  Should the bride really have any input on what the groom wears?

And also - if it was a parent wearing something you didn't like, would it be acceptable to tell them they're not allowed to do so? 

I'm curious about how people view the "rules" on this.

Celles

He's choosing his attire, but I'm retaining veto power.  This is the same arrangement we have on a a day-to-day basis, so -- no great leap there.  

temerityjane

We have a rule in our house that basically covers everything from chores to basic repsonibilities to shopping and choosing specific products, and has also covered the wedding.

"If you give a shiit, it's your job."

Whoever cares more does the chore, picks the product, makes the arrangements, etc. For example, I hate to fold laundry and am perfectly happy to leave it in a pile, but he wants folded stuff, so it's his job because eff that.

With the wedding, for MOST things, I care more. I just do. So yes, it's perfectly fine for me to choose his outfit (which I did, without much input from him), since I'm the one who gives a crap.

If he cared, he was welcome to pick it out himself.

As for my dress, again, if he cared, he'd have stated his preferences and I'd have considered them. If he flat out said something like, "I hate strapless, don't wear strapless," then I wouldn't have picked a strapless dress.

It's not dictating, it's just different responsibilities going to the person who gives a shiit the most.

wadingmoose

If Herbert had wanted to wear safety orange or a hardhat, I probably would've asked him really nicely not to, and explained why.

Since he's reasonable and rational, I'm sure he would've understood.

Which is also why it likely wasn't an issue (reasonable and rational and all that)

kellyjellybelly

My FIL asked me 3-4 times if he could wear shorts to our wedding.  I, politely, 3-4 times asked him to wear pants.  Well, he did what he wanted anyway and wore shorts.  I'm not going to lie - I totally noticed and it really bothered me.  Not so much that he wore shorts (he did look ridiculous) but that he ASKED and still did it anyway, knowing that I asked him not to.  Thanks for the respect. 

opalsky007

I think a little input is fine, especially if the guy or the parent really wants that input. No matter how many times I told my MIL to wear whatever she wanted, she kept insisting that I needed to give her guidelines.

The final decision should go to whoever is wearing the clothing in question. But I do roll my eyes at the over-agressive "Why are you telling him what to wear? That's none of your business! Shut your trap, bridezilla!" posts on Attire.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-attire-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c02d2709-e4b1-41bb-86f6-ab84263fdebaPost:cc1e9b42-b36e-478f-92e5-37206bd1428f">Groom's attire</a>:
[QUOTE]AK's post got me thinkin'. . . If your FI had told you what you could or couldn't wear for the wedding, wouldn't you be pissed?  Should the bride really have any input on what the groom wears? <strong>Yup, I'd be pissed if FI tried to tell me what to wear to the wedding. He knows squat about dresses. And no, I don't think the bride needs to have any input. Like everyone tells posters who want to dictate guests' attire: he's a grown man and he can dress himself for this event. He's not dumb. </strong>And also - if it was a parent wearing something you didn't like, would it be acceptable to tell them they're not allowed to do so? <strong>With the exception of wearing white, I don't give a good gosh darn what my mom or FI's mom wears. They both asked me what they should wear and I told them I thought it was silly when moms wore the same colors as BMs and that I'd prefer they didn't wear white. Again, they're both grown women and I trust their ability to dress appropriately.</strong> I'm curious about how people view the "rules" on this.<strong> From hanging out here, I've learned that there really aren't hard and fast "rules." People are free to wear what they choose and it's not going to change how married I am. </strong>
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

temerityjane

Oh, and as far as parents:

I picked my dad's tux because it was easy. For my mom, I have told her over and over to not wear anything matronly, because she works out every day and looks great and I want her to feel great. Since we're close enough, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her if we were shopping and something was unflattering, but I just want her to pick something that makes her feel like she looks good.

In the case of a parent wearing white, I most certainly would tell them "Oh, eff no."

I told one of my mom's friends that if she showed up in a dress with a train (which she was planning to wear to her own daughter's wedding and yes, it's deliberate, and not worth getting into here), I'd cut it off and choke her with it.

In a loving way, of course.

iamjoesgurl

If my DH had an opinion about what I should not wear, I would have taken his opinion into consideration.  I think that both the bride and groom should have input re: attire.  DH wanted to wear white tuxes with black pinstripes.  I was wearing an ivory dress so I said no way.  I think that once he realized my dress was ivory, he was okay with that.

I didn't feel that I had any right to say what ILs would wear.  I made suggestions to my parents, but would have trusted their judgment if they had a different opinion.

(And I wouldn't see these as my "rules", just my opinions.)

georgia_bride09

As far as groom's attire goes, as long as he doesn't want to wear, like Bermuda shorts and a wifebeater, or something that's just inappropriate for the setting, I think he should have full reign. My H didn't want to deal with it and knows I'm particular, so he let me choose all the boys' stuff. 

As for my parents, the same goes- if it's appropriate, it's fine by me.  

If I had wanted to wear a hot pink mini with my good china showing (as Peach from PR says) for the wedding, I'd want someone to smack some sense into me, but as long as everything is in proper taste, then I think everyone can wear what they want.

Having said that, I had to "approve" my MIL's, my GMIL's, my bio-dad's, and all my BM's choices. They wouldn't leave me alone until I told them that what they'd picked was fine.  

danieliza1127

I think many brides get involved in the groom's attire because generally (but not always), the bride is the one planning the wedding and knows the colors and decor and such.  So I think just like the bride chose her own dress and the BM dresses, she's going to want a say or to help choosing the tux vest and tie colors and general style.  To me, it's just part of the wedding planning and to be honest, decor. 

I mean, if I were having a formal wedding and the groom wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt, yep I'd be telling him no and that he needs to suck it up and wear a tux.

I did go with my H to pick out tuxes and I offered opinions, but I let him choose it all himself.  He didn't want to wear the same as the GM, so he wore an ivory vest and tie while they wore black and red to coordinate with the BMs.  That was his choice and totally fine by me!  If he had wanted to match the GM, that would have been fine with me too.

number55

I don't have any idea what FI is wearing. We decided that since he hasn't seen my dress I don't get to see his tux. So he went to pick out all the stuff with his Best Woman and my male Bridesman...I mean really, I know that he didn't pick a brown, navy or ivory tux so really all he had to do was pick a shirt, vest, etc...I trust him to do that.

My dad is going to wear his 'tux' that won't really match anything...meh, he is 71 and stubborn and I can't tell him no. My FMIL is wearing what she wore to her daughter's wedding 6 years ago...I told her to because I thought it would be dumb to spend more money on something she won't wear often. I don't care what my father's wife wears. 

But I think I am just really laid back about that kind of stuff (but anal about other things I know...)

squirrly

See, I don't really think anybody should have veto power over what I wear, not even my H.  Which means I don't get veto power over what he wears.  If he asks me, I'll give him feedback or suggestions, but if he doesn't ask, my opinion wasn't wanted.  And that's ok - it's his clothing. 

I just think it's really absurd that people gave AK crap for "letting" her FI pick his own damn vest for their wedding.  If she'd said "the only thing I wanted was a strapless dress and he said NOOOOOOOOO" everybody would have told her he was being a douche.  Why should she get to treat him worse than we expect him to treat her?

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-attire-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c02d2709-e4b1-41bb-86f6-ab84263fdebaPost:d08a8895-ab5e-4d4f-a795-1305f8a09c1a">Re: Groom's attire</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as groom's attire goes, as long as he doesn't want to wear, like Bermuda shorts and a wifebeater, or something that's just inappropriate for the setting, I think he should have full reign. My H didn't want to deal with it and knows I'm particular, so he let me choose all the boys' stuff.  As for my parents, the same goes- if it's appropriate, it's fine by me.   <strong>If I had wanted to wear a hot pink mini with my good china showing (as Peach from PR says)</strong> for the wedding, I'd want someone to smack some sense into me, but as long as everything is in proper taste, then I think everyone can wear what they want. Having said that, I had to "approve" my MIL's, my GMIL's, my bio-dad's, and all my BM's choices. They wouldn't leave me alone until I told them that what they'd picked was fine.  
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I hadn't ever heard her say this, but I love it. And her. I hope she doesn't fall victim to the usual older-contestant curse.

WildRumpus

Neither of us mind a little input. I think I would be irritated if he were to try to PICK my dress, but if he really didn't like it, or saw something that he thought would be more flattering, I would at least take his feelings into consideration. Rick's been known to try putting a stripped shirt with plaid shorts, so sometimes my input is desperately needed. He wanted gray suits with pocket squares for the wedding, so that's what he's wearing.

*edited to add this:

My parents will be able to dress themselves, no problem. My mom will, I'm sure pick something for my dad, and will want me to go dress shopping with her, but in the end, it's totally up to her. I know she'll look great in whatever she chooses.

I'm honestly a little worried about what Rick's mom, dad, and step mom will wear, but I'm not going to dictate it. They won't be in a ton of pictures, and our marriage won't be invalid if they show up in jeans.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

He wanted to wear a tux. He wants a bow tie and cumberbund and wants to wear a black tux with an ivory shirt to match my dress. That's fine with me. I trust him to dress appropriately. I told him my dress was more formal and it was ivory and he went from there.

I did ask that since he's wearing a regular black tux that we maybe have the GMs wear colored ties or something and I gave him a sample of the fabric in the BMs dresses.

He's actually making his second trip to the tux shop tonight. I asked if he wanted to go alone or if he needed me to go and he said he could take care of it, which is fine.

We did suggest to FFIL that he wear a tie to the wedding. Well, FI did and I agree with him. My mom kept BEGGING me for my opinion of her dress, but again, I really don't care. I trust my parents to be able to dress themselves appropriately for the formality of my wedding.

Edit: our fathers are not wearing tuxes, which is fine.

mandysmear

If your FI had told you what you could or couldn't wear for the wedding, wouldn't you be pissed?  Should the bride really have any input on what the groom wears? if my h asked me to get a specific dress... well no.  but if he said "i think a champagne coloured dress would be nice.." then i would consider it while dress shopping.  i picked what H wore.  he didn't care.  and i suggested going all black with a white tie so he stood out from the groomsmen and he loved the idea. 

And also - if it was a parent wearing something you didn't like, would it be acceptable to tell them they're not allowed to do so?  hell no.  
 

georgia_bride09

opal, I think she said it last week when she was talking about her short, short pencil skirt; it was more like I'm trying not to show off the good china, or something along those lines. The term has been added to my repertoire.

I like her, and I hope she stays around, but she DOES need to step it up and not keep sending the same stuff out. And maybe not pick such... stuffy fabrics.

baystateapple

FI wanted the wedding colors to be red and navy blue (for the Red Sox).  I vetoed that.

But once we had the color scheme picked out, we pretty much didn't have any other issues with clothing.  FI wanted the guys to wear red vests and wanted to wear a black vest; I was in favor of the guys wearing black vests and have FI wear ivory.  He vetoed my idea and did what he wanted.  And I didn't care.  He has to wear it -- why should I really give a damn, so long as he's not wearing a powder blue leisure suit?

And as for him vetoing my clothes -- no.  He won't even look at what my dress looks like, let alone dictate it.  The only request he made was that I not wear a blusher veil -- and I didn't want to, anyway.

baystateapple

Also -- I helped my mom pick out her clothes for the wedding, but only because she asked.  My mom works at a hospital, wears scrubs all the time, and hasn't worn a dress in about fifteen years. 

But I only gave my input.  I didn't tell her what to wear.  I only advised her about what I thought looked good on her.  I would never have presumed to tell her what to wear.

And my FMIL...no way.  She's a grown woman, I trust that she knows how to dress herself.

tenofcups4me

I've been married twice and had input into the groom's attire both times. The first time, the ex- thought he wanted to wear a white tux. I thought it's a rare man who can look good in a white tux and strongly encouraged him to try on both white and black before making a final decision. Once he tried them both on, he agreed he looke better in the traditional black tux.

Dh and I got married in an extremely small ceremony -- just us, parents, siblings and nieces and nephews, a total of 13 people. I wanted to wear a gown (not a wedding gown since it was a 2nd wedding for both of us, but a gown nonetheless) and wanted him to wear a tux. Originally he didn't want to wear a tux. I explained how I felt (basically, when the hell else is he going to wear a tux if not for our own wedding?) and that for me it was important to do certain "special" things for this wedding even if we weren't having a big blow-out. And then I dropped it, which is extremely rare for me. Dropping something is not my forte.

We never discussed it again, but the day of, he showed up in a beautiful morning suit (for all practical purposes, a version of a tux).

I don't think it's unreasonable to have such discussions -- especially if the groom is thinking about wearing something not in keeping with the formality of the rest of the wedding.

parker624

I agree with TJ that whoever cares more picks.

As for our men's wedding attire, H and I have similar tastes, so we went and looked at a few options and agreed on what the men would wear, including fathers.  Simple black tux, no vest or cummerbund, and we bought champagne/gold colored ties for the groomsmen, black ties for the dads and H wore ivory to match my dress.  We had all the ties embroidered with the person's monogram. That was H's idea.  H's idea was also to wear the gold color ties because he loves the Pittsburgh Penguins and wanted to incorporate their colors in some way.  Good thing it wasn't the Steelers gold or I would have had an issue with it.  I also don't think H is ridiculous enough to ask for that.

Calypso1977

i let my H decide what he wanted.  he didnt want to wear a tux, and i was totally fine with that.    i would never tell our parents what to wear either.  i didnt even tell my MOH what to wear, i just told her the preferred length.  otherwise, she had free reign to choose color, style, etc.

xyrius

My FI's attire will be a surprise for me.  I just don't care that much about it, and I trust his judgement.  He said I'll like what he picks, he knows the wedding colours (black white and red, not easy to mess up) and I know he's going to get a tux because he keeps mentionning going "tux" shopping with his groomsmen and dad.

He doesn't get a say in my dress, because, to quote him:  all wedding dresses look the same, they're all white.  Ummm.. no honey but ok.

As for our moms, I don't care what they wear either, but they both want my opinion, and they both want to have something similar to each other so the three of us will go shopping together for their dresses.  I agree that if they don't wear white, I don't really care, but I'll give them my honest opinion on what suits them the best.

Goldlie11

Tux shopping is not his thing.  I'm pretty sure he won't go without me. I've made a few suggestions about what he should wear.  He didn't like some of them, so I said fine.  Unless the guy is going to do something really wild, then there is only so much damage that he can do, right?  We picked the wedding colors together after he vetoed pink.  So, most of our decisions have been made together.  

I actually showed FI some of the dresses that I'm considering to get an idea of what he likes.  So, he will have some input.  He requested that I don't have too much cleavge, so I'll keep that in mind. 

AmoroAgain

I went shopping with H but we were in agreement about what he was wearing. We both felt that renting a tux was just a waste of money, so he bought a really nice suit. I'd never tell him to wear or not to wear something, but I'd strongly hint that I wasn't happy about it.  But reallly, like Mery said, I knew what I was getting when we got together, so it's not like I would have expected him to suddenly want to wear camo.

starla827

I am doing the majority of wedding planning, so I will probably pick the Groom & Groomsmen tux.  I wanted to actually leave that up to him (with a few guidelines about colors and stuff so they would fit in with the rest of the wedding), but when I was telling him that the other day he responded with a "What! You're not going to come with me?  I need your opinions!"  So, I will probably help pick stuff out.

I wouldn't care if Fi gave me some input about what he would/wouldn't like for my wedding dress, but he's not allowed to see it before, so ultimately it's up to me.

As far as parents and guests, I couldn't care less what they wear.  If they ask what type of style/color might be nice, I can maybe give them some information about the wedding, but I don't want to pick for them.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-attire-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c02d2709-e4b1-41bb-86f6-ab84263fdebaPost:50bb484e-c0f8-4979-a271-d76ae36e50cd">Re: Groom's attire</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I don't really think anybody should have veto power over what I wear, not even my H.  Which means I don't get veto power over what he wears.  If he asks me, I'll give him feedback or suggestions, but if he doesn't ask, my opinion wasn't wanted.  And that's ok - it's his clothing.  I just think it's really absurd that people gave AK crap for "letting" her FI pick his own damn vest for their wedding.  If she'd said "the only thing I wanted was a strapless dress and he said NOOOOOOOOO" everybody would have told her he was being a douche.  Why should she get to treat him worse than we expect him to treat her?
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I agree in principle, Squirrly.  But in practice...  well, if I didn't retain veto power, then it's entirely possible he would be running around in a long-sleeved, button down shirt (the kind he wears to work at the bank) and lime green board shorts. 

He's well aware he makes questionable clothing choices and trusts me not to let him out of the house looking like something the lawn furniture swallowed and spit back up.  It's a sacred trust.

MattsPenguin

I have always said that Matt can choose what he wants.  He has good taste, and it's not like there are that many choices.

The only "issue" we have run into is in choosing what flower he will wear.  I will be carrying pink roses, but he refuses to wear pink (rightly so).  This came up when my mom and Grandmother were visiting and they were both AGAHST that he wouldn't wear a pink flower.  "The groom's flower should match the bride's bouquet as if he plucked a flower from it to put on his lapel!" 

Hasn't been resolved yet.  I'm not worrying, but that is the only issue regarding the groom's attire so far.  We haven't actually picked the tux yet.  In my mind, I just want Matt to stand out.  If he wants to wear blue, fine.  Then the other guys will wear black or silver or something.

Beachy730

I went with H when we picked the tuxes, and I helped pick it out because the color we picked was our accent color for the wedding.  We did a black and white wedding with pink accents, and the ties and pocket squares were the first pink thing we picked out.  We gave those colors to the florist for our flowers to be based off of too.  He decided to wear a white vest and tie instead of a black vest and pink tie like the guys, and that was fine by me.  So in a way he picked out his attire.  But when he started saying suggestions like him and the GM all wear top hats and canes, or hats with feathers, I said helllllllll no.  I know he was just kidding (hopefully), but regardless that wasn't happening. 

He had no say over my dress, and wouldn't even know what to tell me.

As for parents, I went with my mom shopping for her dress.  MIL kept saying she wanted us to go with her shopping but never could go when we could, and ended up just picking something out on her own. 

I think people giving AK a hard time about her FI's attire is BS.  Especially after how quick people were to put him down for what he said to her the other day, people would probably be ready to fly to her city and stop her wedding if her FI told her what to wear.  I'm definitely with squirrly on that one. 

beerstaches

T always asks me to pick things out for him if he's dressing in more than jeans and a t-shirt, so I usually decide what he wears. I just lay out his clothes for parties or weddings or whatever, and he irons everything and does the laundry in exchange. He's used to wearing a uniform so he hates bothering with anything else and I love picking out his clothes!