Annoying situation - would you have done what I did? LONG

jkara525

Writing this mostly to get a POV from others but also to bitch a little and get this off my chest so I can get over it and move on.

So here is the situation.  FI and I are having a formal evening wedding.  We are expecting about 90 people.  A lot of these 90 people are my friends/family and have children ranging from newborn to 12.  If we were to include everyones kids, it would mean we are inviting an additonal 30+ people.  We decided since it's an evening wedding and most of these kids are under 6 that with the exception of my nieces/nephews (ages 9-12) who we are very close with and in the wedding no children would be invited to the reception. 

My FI has a very small family - a few siblings, an adult nephew and some first cousins.  None of them are what I would call "tight."  One of his cousins has a 12 year old son and she wrongly assumed he would be invited.  When she found out it was a kid free reception she sent a note asking if it would be alright if he came.  They are driving about 7 hours, had planned to do some sightseeing on the way and told him he was coming.  We sent a polite email back just saying that it is a child free affair - we have a lot of children in my family we can't invite one and not the others due to space, cost, etc...A few days pass and we get a very passive aggressive note back from her saying that they promised him the trip and the stop in NYC on the way so he has to come.  They can't leave him in a hotel alone so they will come to the church and not attend the reception.  It was all capped off with a final dig of "we don't want to go back on what we told him, besides he's family" (FYI - we really don't know this kid well at all!)  After reading this, I was partially infurated that someone can't just go with the flow, tell the kid she made a mistake and either decide to not attend or find a solution for childcare and come without him.  The other part of me felt like a horrible person that my FI has so few family members and if I don't allow this kid to attend I'm ensuring he will have 1 less person there.

After much deliberation, talking to my family and FI we decided to let her bring him.  I don't think I could have felt good on my wedding day seeing them at the church after having driven all that way, and not have them attend the reception.  This of course opens up some of my family to be offended that their kids aren't included but I have a pretty understanding family and I think they will all get the predicament we were in.

I need to move on and get over my annoyance of the situation but what bothers me most is the lack of ettiquite in not respecting the wishes of the hosts, calling us out on the fact we aren't including children and getting her way...In the scheme of things, I know this is pretty insignificant and in a few days I'll be past it.  Just wanted to rant a bit and get some thoughts.  Thanks for listening!

betrothed123

You should have stood your ground, because you're right, how will everyone who followed the rules feel when they find out all they had to do was guilt trip you a bit and their precious would have been able to attend?

lpstl

Ok, I'm actually pissed that I read that whole thing. What exactly was the point?

That woman is an asshole. It happens.

danieliza1127

That sucks, and her response to you sucks, but you shouldn't have caved.  People treat others they way they are allowed to.  By giving in, you just reinforced to her that it's okay to be rude like that and guilt people into getting her own way. 

TheSaltyPeanut

You should have stood your ground.

Stackeye210

I would be really mad if I were the 6 nieces/nephews that are in the wedding and don't even get to attend the reception but this other kid does. 

You caved in, so you just need to get over it.  But to be honest, to save yourself anymore drama I'd let the kids that are actually IN the wedding come to the reception as well. 

jkara525

stackeye210, I think you misread...there are 4 kids in the wedding who are absolutely invited and coming to the reception.

redheadfsu

You should have stood your ground. But you caved in, so personally I would call all  of the other parents & inform them they can bring their children also.

Stackeye210

Oops, sorry, read too fast.  There isn't much you can do since you already gave in.  Just try to forget about it, the more you dwell on it the more you'll think about it on your wedding day.  Unless he sets fire to a bathroom, or looks up your skirt you probably won't even know he was there at the end of the day.

angiebear11

I would have said no. It's not your fault she told her son he was invited when he really wasn't. That's on her, not you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

terbear_86

You caved, but at the same time, you didn't offer a reasonable alternative. What was the kid supposed to do all by himself in a hotel room for hours 7 hours away from home? Did you offer to have an older teenager go play video games with him or something? I mean he is 12, but still...... I wouldn't want my 12 yr old alone in a hotel room for hours either. I guess at that point, I would either expect the whole family to not come at all, or have offered a reasonable alternative. 

danieliza1127

terbear - the parents could have attended the ceremony and skipped the reception if they insisted that they bring their kid.  That was their choice.

I do agree with Stack though that you just have to let it go now.  They are jerks, you caved, what's done is done.  Just let it go and move forward.

jkara525

Ter bear - He is on the older end of the spectrum so there isn't anyone older to watch him.  I do understand about not leaving him in the room, I wouldn't do it either.  I'm not arranging for childcare for my guests because I don't want that responsability if something goes wrong.  Also, the alternative solution would have to been to leave him at home with his father who is NOT making the trip to come to the wedding.  She is just being difficult.

Stackeye210

SOunds like she played you for a fool almost if the dad isn't even coming.  Sounds like she just didn't want to travel to the wedding alone and blamed it on the kid. 

sarabellam

No, I don't think I would have caved in like you did. I'd be a little pissy if I had arranged for a sitter for my child so that I could enjoy your wedding, only to find out it is not in fact a child-free wedding. Parents like this really piss me off.

shellydiane820

I had a cousin who had a fit about this at my shower bc her twins couldn't come.  I let her be ridiculous.

Then my aunt and uncle said she could have their invites so the twins could go, and my mom informed them an invitation isn't a ticket.

We still laugh about the ridiculousness.  Its too bad you caved in, bc now you're going to hear about it from other people.

terbear_86

I guess my point wasn't that you SHOULD provide child-care, just that I wouldn't leave him alone and I wouldn't expect them to make a seven hour journey to have no care available.

I also must have missed the fact that the dad wasn't coming?? I think that the mom has her panties in a bunch and probably promised the kid the trip as a reward for something and then had to backpeddle.  That sucks. I know that I had a wedding I was invited to that was a 7 hour drive and my son wasn't invited. I was going to send him to Grandma's for the weekend but ended up having to work. It never  crossed my mind to say he needed to be there, and I looked forward to my weekend away.


Shelly that is pretty funny -- I might have to remember that with my family, that an invitation is not a ticket. LOL.

jkara525

Appreciate the feedback.  If he were younger, like say 8 I would have said a firm no.  I think now what I can do, since he will be 13 at the time of the wedding is invite only the kids who are over 13.  In a strange stroke of luck, there is only one family invited to the wedding who has kids that are over 13.  It hopefully prevents anyone with the younger kids from being offended.  and it actually makes me feel a bit better because i felt kind of bad for excluding these 3 kids anyway.  I feel like at least they are old enough to enjoy/appreciate it.

tenofcups4me

I was thinking that I *might* have done the same as you did until the part about the father not even coming. So there's childcare for him at home. So hell no, I wouldn't have let him come.

kikipania

Personally (and I know that I'm the only one who feels this way), I don't see why her kid couldn't come. He's 12, he's not a baby, and since they are far away they're using this trip as a wedding AND a vacation for them. By not allowing him to come to the wedding, you're also not allowing them to choose how they want to use their time. But it's your wedding, if you don't want kids that's fine, you just need to either 1) stand your ground or 2) make exceptions and be prepared to have people comment on it. You don't usually do options 1 and 2... which is what you did.

Yes, she was catty when you told her no she couldn't bring her kid. But it sounds like she tried to reason with  you and explain WHY she wanted her kid there (so they could go on a vacation afterwards). Not taking either side... just giving another viewpoint on it since most people here say that she was wrong... I guess I can kind of see her logic behind it.

Anyways, I'd get over it. There's nothing you can do about it now.

Annie_Warbucks

I was just reading an article on Miss Manners about this. As this article said, it is not just the wedding day that is at stake, it is future family relationships. Is it worth starting a major feud by not backing down? Sometimes, you gotta know when to fold em. 

And OP is under no obligation to invite the other children. If others bring it up, just say, "Thank you for respecting our wishes. Not everyone did." and leave it at that. 

But OP should have suggested a baby sitter to watch the kid at the hotel. that seems like a reasonable solution.

Here is a link to that article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=11625550

jkara525

Annie_Warbucks - thanks for posting that article.   Much appreciated.

Crissyo

Hi....Im just reading all the posts and I just want to comment that I think its not right that a lot of people are posting very negatively.  When people post on here, they would like advice, and to "feel better"...

So here is my take...I think that its done now, and that its a great idea to invite those other kids that are over 13...its fair and then you can have a kids table with the kids from the wedding party and the ones that are over 13.

We are having kids that are 13 and up at our wedding plus my FI's two kids who are in the wedding...

Hope this was helpful.  Don't feel bad...she did put you in an awkward situation, and you handled it as best as you could.

jkara525

Thanks for that Chrissyo.  I feel good about where I ended up at the end of the day.

Still annoyed that people don't know that if a kid isn't on an invite, they aren't invited and that some more formal events aren't a place where it's appropriate to have a lot of kids.  There is however, a a line between standing your ground and being a biotch.  I was lucky I could work it out so that it's fair.