Mom Wants Cash Bar at Shower

walgrrl

Hi everybody.  My MOH (who is my sister), my mom, and my fiance's mom are all planning my shower together.  My sister is not hosting it financially, but is just helping them make plans and get invitations out.  My mom and his mom are splitting the cost 50/50, but my mom has been the one making most of the decisions which everyone seems to be fine with.

I know a shower is a gift for you and the bride is not supposed to be involved in the planning.  I don't want to be involved and have tried my best to stay out of it, but my mom is involving me by constantly asking me questions (about the menu, date, location, guest list, etc.) which I am OK with.  The most recent question was whether or not I wanted a cash bar so guests can pay for a drink if they want one(!)

I have been on The Knot long enough to know that cash bars are incredibly rude.  I didn't come right out and tell my mom it was rude because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I tried to steer her away from the idea.  I said we don't really need to have alcohol at the shower.  She seems to think it's a great idea because she can't afford the open bar, but still wants guests to have the option of a drink.

Am I right in assuming they (the hosts) either need to pay for the alcohol or not have any at all?  I know I am not planning this party, so I don't really have a say in anything, but I really wouldn't want to breech any etiquette at my bridal shower and offend my guests.  Should I do something or just stay out of it?  I don't know if this is my call to make or not.

Simply Fated

I would reiterate to her that you would rather no alcohol? Maybe? Has your sister said anything about this?

walgrrl

Yeah, my sister thought the cash bar was a great idea and is actually trying to convince my mom to go for it!  I don't think they're trying to be rude, I think they honestly don't know any better.

mlg78

This is a good question as my mom & MOH (my shower hosts) are encountering a cash bar issue...  Despite the shower being the only thing going on at the time the venue refuses to not have a bartender there...but my hosts don't want to pay for booze (and I don't blame them -- I'm FINE with no alcohol on a Sunday afternoon!).  What to do?

hoffse

Just have a dry shower - Virtually every wedding I've ever been to had alcohol (though I've been to a few dry weddings); on the contrary, I had never heard of a shower with alcohol until TK.  I guess in some circles everybody drinks at any time of the day, but I know my shower was dry and nobody seemed to think anything of it.  It was at 11:30 for a luncheon - that would have been too early for drinks IMO.  They had tea, water, and coffee, to pair with a salad, fruit, and  chicken/mushroom crepes, and nobody missed the alcohol.

EDIT: spelling

walgrrl

I would be totally cool with a dry shower!  I even told my mom that.  My shower is scheduled for 1-4pm on a Saturday.  I don't think most people want to drink at that time of day.  A glass of wine might be nice with lunch, but I'm sure no one would miss it.  I told my mom that I didn't think we needed alcohol, but she seemed like she still wanted to go for the cash bar (as did my sister).  Is this something I should try to change their minds about or should I stay out of it since technically I'm supposed to have nothing to do with the planning of my own shower?

LuckyAloha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-wants-cash-bar-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c1596605-c5a2-461f-8d2d-e9b105e9a336Post:277d5a80-bd51-4363-bd00-8925c368ab5f">Re:Mom Wants Cash Bar at Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you compromise and suggest one or two hosted signature drinks? Mimosas, Bloody Marys and wine are more common than not offered at showers in my circles. You can find bottles of Andre for cheap, and if there's a Trader Joe's in your area, you can't go wrong with my man, Charles Shaw!
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]
2 Buck Chuck!

NYCMercedes

Ask them if they were inviting people to their home, would they ask their guests to bring a gift and pay for their drinks? It is no different if you are hosting at home or away. You never ask your guests to open their wallet. It is just doubly rude as they are asking for the gift for a family member.

walgrrl

The venue is a restaurant and I don't think they let you bring in any drinks.  I talked to my FMIL (who agrees with me that a cash bar is rude) and we did talk about just having one or two hosted drinks.  Should I call the restaurant to get prices on this and then bring the info back to them, or should I leave it up to the people planning the shower and just stay out of it?

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-wants-cash-bar-at-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c1596605-c5a2-461f-8d2d-e9b105e9a336Post:3378a6b0-023a-4002-a6fb-1f039246fba8">Re: Mom Wants Cash Bar at Shower</a>:
[QUOTE]The venue is a restaurant and I don't think they let you bring in any drinks.  I talked to my FMIL (who agrees with me that a cash bar is rude) and we did talk about just having one or two hosted drinks.  Should I call the restaurant to get prices on this and then bring the info back to them, or should I leave it up to the people planning the shower and just stay out of it?
Posted by walgrrl[/QUOTE]

I'd just reiterate that you would really prefer that there be no cash bar as this would be unfair to your guests.  Ordinarily I'd leave it up to the hosts, but the hosts here 1) can't agree among themselves and 2) your mother and sister are pushing for something rude.

Kate61487

ditto PP to be honest with your mom (and sister).  Like stage said you don't have to call HER rude, but let her know that you don't need alcohol and you've learned that it's actually against etiquette to asks guests to pay for anything.

You could also suggest seeing if the venue will do a signature drink - the only alcohol I've ever seen at a shower has been a punch or sangria situation where there's only one choice.  Regardless definitely don't contact the venue - let the hosts know your preference and then stay out of it.

MsYeck

I've only been to one shower with alcohol and it was mimosas. I would ask the restaurant if you can buy 1 or 2 bottles of champaign and a couple gallons of orange juice and put it in a punch bowl...but label it as alcoholic. Buy the bottle even at a restaurant is cheaperr than ordering single drinks.

banana468

FWIW, I've never attended a shower that DIDN'T have alcohol.   The AM showers had mimosas and afternoon ones had wine or punch.    Going dry isn't really an option for us - we factor the booze into the budget just like we factor the food and guest list.

That said, it's not a bad thing to be dry or only offer a few things.    I would tell your mom that you're not comfortable with your guests having to buy drinks.